Author lovelymay Posted November 3, 2018 Author Posted November 3, 2018 OP, I thought you had planned to leave this guy alone and not chase him. After what happened the last time you were with him I'd let it be if I were you. It seems he was turned off by the excessive drinking. I have left him alone and haven’t chased him... But the last message just keeps me thinking on what to do. Maybe he is waiting for me to initiate as I haven’t respond to his message of congratulating my brother...
olivetree Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 I don't think he is that interested, at least not in anything serious. I think he is wanting to keep it casual. He's from out of town and currently travelling, probably meeting up with and sleeping with other women. I wouldn't focus on this guy. Date and meet other guys. He's not the ellibigle bachelor in the US. 1
smackie9 Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 If the sex was that amazing he would see you again.....next him. 1
Mrs._December Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 So I’ve had a date with a guy and after that we still texted back and forth. The last message he sent me was when he was on his way to Paris, last Sunday. I initiated that contact but the last message was from him (sending from the air plane). He said: Happy Birthday with your brother!!! I was at my brother’s dinner party and didn’t reply anything to his message. The reason why I didn’t reply anything is because I initiate 60% of the texts and his messages seem very less engaged compared the messages he sent before we had sex. Yes we had sex on the first date and it made me a bit insecure. Although I liked it and we also told each other we had an amazing evening, and we still keptntexting back and forth I could just sense that something had changed. I don’t want to be clingy and needy so I took a bit distance because I felt he was pulling away. Now I just assume he’s not interested because we haven’t talked in a week. But as the last message was his saying congrats to my brother and I did not reply to that, what should I do? I want to message him but I’m just afraid he has already lost interest and if he will ignore my new message that would hurt me a lot! Just 3 days ago you posted you were done with this guy and weren't going to pursue contacting him and asking him out - yet here you are, still obsessed with him and trying to use a canned response he sent you a bout your brother's birthday as a 'reason' to contact him now. Ugh. In your other thread, it's pretty clear you're refusing to see that situation for what it really was. He clearly did his best to get you liquored up in the hopes of getting lucky. Even a 12 year old can see that. SOMEONE had to be giving that bartender permission to continually fill your glass when you weren't looking and that someone is HIM. If it wasn't you, it was HIM. Bartenders are not authorized to just fill people's glasses without their consent. You keep trying to play it off in your other thread that the bartender was responsible for filling your glass over and over all on his own, and he wasn't - not unless your 'date' had instructed him to keep your glass full which is likely EXACTLY what happened. Make no mistake, you're an adult and chose to continually drink those full glasses and get yourself to a state of being black-out drunk, but the point is that this guy knew exactly what he was doing and it worked. Because later in the evening, all you can remember is suddenly waking up at his place to find him having intercourse with you and you say you liked it but suddenly got sick, so he had to stop. What a gentleman. I'll assume you were passed out when he started. Again - what a gentleman. That was over 3 weeks ago. You also stated in your last thread that he's acted differently ever since that one drunken night. His texts are no longer flirty or romantic, he hardly contacts you and when he does, it's usually to send some picture of himself doing something or some other crap that requires little to no effort at all. How much clearer does he have to make it? He got what he wanted (at least partially) and the thrill of the chase is now over for him. Time to move on and start seducing some other poor woman who may nor may NOT be conscious when he gets on top of her. Such a prince. Stop scraping the bottom of the barrel, desperately trying to create a reason to contact him. He's not interested and has only been showing minimal interest in you in order to keep his foot in the door with you should he need you as an option or a backup plan one lonely Friday or Saturday night. I also wouldn't be shocked at all if you got a booty call from this clown one night out of the blue when he's run out of options. Stop wasting your time on someone who CLEARLY sees you as only a distant option. 1
zoe82 Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 He clearly did his best to get you liquored up in the hopes of getting lucky. (....) SOMEONE had to be giving that bartender permission to continually fill your glass when you weren't looking and that someone is HIM (....) Because later in the evening, all you can remember is suddenly waking up at his place to find him having intercourse with you and you say you liked it but suddenly got sick, so he had to stop. What a gentleman. I'll assume you were passed out when he started. Again - what a gentleman. (...)You also stated in your last thread that he's acted differently ever since that one drunken night. (...) Time to move on and start seducing some other poor woman who may nor may NOT be conscious when he gets on top of her. Wow! OP is that all true? If so...what exactly are you seeing in him?? If i'd be you, i'd run the hills and never look back.
hippychick3 Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 I don't think he is that interested, at least not in anything serious. I think he is wanting to keep it casual. He's from out of town and currently travelling, probably meeting up with and sleeping with other women. I wouldn't focus on this guy. Date and meet other guys. He's not the ellibigle bachelor in the US. This. He doesn’t sound very interested at all. You not responding to his text makes no difference one way or the other. A nonanswer to any one text is not going to deter an interested guy from pursuing you. Just leave it. 1
Redhead14 Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 (edited) LovelyMay, I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, especially if it's very early, they should assume it will be a one-night stand until the man shows her otherwise. To me, this guy reached out to you while on a trip and most women would see that as a sign of interest especially after a first date. Lot's of women get anxious because they know a guy is traveling and they don't hear from them. This guy did. I don’t want to be clingy and needy so I took a bit distance because I felt he was pulling away. - If you are going to apply this line of thinking, what you should do in a case like this is stay centered, don't pull back yourself. You think he's pulling away and then you pull away too, the "rubber band" is going to break. I'm not saying keep initiating at 60% rate, but respond in kind if he texts. If you're initiating a lot, there really isn't a need for him to initiate anyway. And, if you're reaching out a lot because you're anxious that he isn't going to, that's not going to help either. Try to keep it balanced so you can observe his habits better for a bit. if he will ignore my new message that would hurt me a lot! -- Sweetie, you ignored his message. He may be feeling the same way. And, being hurt "a lot" by being ignored by a guy you only had one date with, is a little too thin-skinned. My gut right now actually says you should just leave this alone and move on but I'm also thinking you should just push through this and send him a message to ask how his trip went. If he responds, great, if not, oh well. Sending one more message isn't going to make or break this. It will be what it will be. Edited November 3, 2018 by Redhead14
stillafool Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 I have left him alone and haven’t chased him... But the last message just keeps me thinking on what to do. Maybe he is waiting for me to initiate as I haven’t respond to his message of congratulating my brother... But he didn't initiate a message he was basically just replying to yours. You were the one who reached out first. His reply back doesn't warrant a response and I doubt he expected one. Stop chasing him and let him be. 1
stillafool Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 Wow! OP is that all true? If so...what exactly are you seeing in him?? If i'd be you, i'd run the hills and never look back. Most would but she wants another date with him.
Author lovelymay Posted November 3, 2018 Author Posted November 3, 2018 LovelyMay, I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, especially if it's very early, they should assume it will be a one-night stand until the man shows her otherwise. To me, this guy reached out to you while on a trip and most women would see that as a sign of interest especially after a first date. Lot's of women get anxious because they know a guy is traveling and they don't hear from them. This guy did. I don’t want to be clingy and needy so I took a bit distance because I felt he was pulling away. - If you are going to apply this line of thinking, what you should do in a case like this is stay centered, don't pull back yourself. You think he's pulling away and then you pull away too, the "rubber band" is going to break. I'm not saying keep initiating at 60% rate, but respond in kind if he texts. If you're initiating a lot, there really isn't a need for him to initiate anyway. And, if you're reaching out a lot because you're anxious that he isn't going to, that's not going to help either. Try to keep it balanced so you can observe his habits better for a bit. if he will ignore my new message that would hurt me a lot! -- Sweetie, you ignored his message. He may be feeling the same way. And, being hurt "a lot" by being ignored by a guy you only had one date with, is a little too thin-skinned. My gut right now actually says you should just leave this alone and move on but I'm also thinking you should just push through this and send him a message to ask how his trip went. If he responds, great, if not, oh well. Sending one more message isn't going to make or break this. It will be what it will be. Yes you’re so true about this. I’m just so confused by the whole situation, shoud’ve never have sex with him so early. I think I should just feel more confident first before I reach out to him and take a good time thinking whether I should do it or not...
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 (edited) Yes you’re so true about this. I’m just so confused by the whole situation, shoud’ve never have sex with him so early. I think I should just feel more confident first before I reach out to him and take a good time thinking whether I should do it or not... Lovely, the longer you wait the more anxious and less confident you will feel. Just do it and be prepared to accept whatever comes of it. You have to start somewhere to develop that thicker skin. You can only do that if you try and expose yourself so that you develop a "tolerance" for disappointment. I understand you'd feel better if he reached out first but don't forget that you ignored his text and that he might be rowing the same boat you are in terms of all the wondering and mind f'ing you're doing Lots of women find themselves in this situation (except most of them haven't been contacted soon after first time sex). You've learned something so rest on that. Again, it's only been one date with this guy, it shouldn't be affecting you so much. The guy did reach out to you again after a sexual encounter, you ignored him because of you were trying to be in his head. I bet, though, that if you'd been more in your head and honest with yourself, you were a little happy that he reached out to you, yes? Time's a wastin'. Even if he doesn't respond, you'll know one way or the other. The fear of the unknown is usually worse than the known If he responds and asks you out again soon, just hit the reset button -- have a nice date, no sex for a bit and start the evaluation process again. If not, go bravely onto the next guy and apply what you've learned from this experience. Edited November 4, 2018 by Redhead14 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 You didn't reply to him, OP. Of course he hasn't written again. Whether or not he has any serious intentions with you, I don't see why you're distressed that he hasn't contacted you since you ignored his last message. 1
LoverOfDance Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Lovelymay, i love your username by the way. I read your previous thread. I don't trust men who have sex with drunk women. You may have agreed to the sex BUT YOU WERE DRUNK. Drunk people should not drive or even make any decisions. Why did this man think it was ok to have sex with someone who clearly wasn't thinking straight? He DOES NOT sound like a gentleman at all. May, he hasn't reached out in a week. I was in the dating scene for 4 years and i can tell you that this man if he wants anything at all, only wants something casual. Even if you wanted something casual as well, i would still tell you to find someone else for the mere fact that he had sex with you while you were inebriated. I'm not sure i understand why you are ignoring this fact?
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 He essentially dosed you up with alcohol and date raped you, and you are desperate to see him again...
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 (edited) Frankly, they never got to the point where they had offered what each of their dating goals were. They contaminated the scenario before it got to a point where there was even a little bit of clarity about intentions for either of them. That's the holy grail of an early dating scenario -- ensuring that both parties on on the same page about overall goals to start with. That kind of general conversation should happen fairly early -- 2nd, 3rd date. Even if the guy says he's looking to explore the possibility of a long-term relationship with anyone, the woman still needs to sit back a little and observe whether he dates her that way. As for being inebriated, in her previous post, she said they were both wasted. She had the same "responsibility" for not sleeping with someone who is inebriated. There were two people in the scenario. How can we hold him solely responsible and have more control over judgement capability while drunk than the woman who has compromised her own ability to do that? Women need to evaluate and accept their own role in certain situations. Edited November 4, 2018 by Redhead14
Author lovelymay Posted November 4, 2018 Author Posted November 4, 2018 Lovelymay, i love your username by the way. I read your previous thread. I don't trust men who have sex with drunk women. You may have agreed to the sex BUT YOU WERE DRUNK. Drunk people should not drive or even make any decisions. Why did this man think it was ok to have sex with someone who clearly wasn't thinking straight? He DOES NOT sound like a gentleman at all. May, he hasn't reached out in a week. I was in the dating scene for 4 years and i can tell you that this man if he wants anything at all, only wants something casual. Even if you wanted something casual as well, i would still tell you to find someone else for the mere fact that he had sex with you while you were inebriated. I'm not sure i understand why you are ignoring this fact? I think that's the reason why I'm so distressed about the whole matter. I was F*cked up drunk and so was he because we drank together... Also all my friends say he is a good guy and he is very kind, so I don't think he did it on purpose. I just don't know how to start the conversation on that as it can be easily perceived as accusing one of making use of the situation. 1
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 I think that's the reason why I'm so distressed about the whole matter. I was F*cked up drunk and so was he because we drank together... Also all my friends say he is a good guy and he is very kind, so I don't think he did it on purpose. I just don't know how to start the conversation on that as it can be easily perceived as accusing one of making use of the situation. Right. You both share responsibility. Assuming he did all this on purpose is about being his head. That's not fair. Hit the reset button. You don't say or do anything that even implies accusation. Don't start a conversation about that situation. Start the conversation on a more positive note. "Hey, how was your trip"? and go from there. It's gonna be awkward now because so much time has passed anyway. Swallow the awkwardness. He reached out, you didn't respond. The ball is in your court.
LoverOfDance Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Redhead, because he is a man. I will place more speculation on him because the woman is 99% of the time, the vulnerable one in dating scenarios. PS, @redhead14, the ball is NOT in May's court. She initiated the last conversation, asked him out to lunch and he ignored that request. He instead chose to send a birthday wish. Op, this whole situation is fishy. How do you know he was drunk?? You were drunk so how on earth can you really be sure of his real state of mind. Op, step away. If a man is making you unsure, just find someone else. Why is this so hard for women to do? smh.
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Redhead, because he is a man. I will place more speculation on him because the woman is 99% of the time, the vulnerable one in dating scenarios. PS, @redhead14, the ball is NOT in May's court. She initiated the last conversation, asked him out to lunch and he ignored that request. He instead chose to send a birthday wish. Op, this whole situation is fishy. How do you know he was drunk?? You were drunk so how on earth can you really be sure of his real state of mind. Op, step away. If a man is making you unsure, just find someone else. Why is this so hard for women to do? smh. because he is a man. -- That is very unfair and filled with bitterness. Women need to own their role in dating scenarios. Adult, secure, independent women are not vulnerable. And, if a woman is "vulnerable", it doesn't hurt to get burnt so that she can gain experience and understanding. She is interested in him - still. Whether she should be or not really doesn't matter because she's still stressing and wondering and one more text isn't going to make or break this. It will at least give her more clarity. The situation is mucked up. Why should she play the "vulnerable" woman in such a disheveled situation that she helped create? Grow a set, Lovely and text him and just get it over with so you can move forward without all the wondering. I hope he doesn't respond, frankly, because you'll need that "closure" to move forward anyway.
olivetree Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Right. You both share responsibility. Assuming he did all this on purpose is about being his head. That's not fair. Hit the reset button. You don't say or do anything that even implies accusation. Don't start a conversation about that situation. Start the conversation on a more positive note. "Hey, how was your trip"? and go from there. It's gonna be awkward now because so much time has passed anyway. Swallow the awkwardness. He reached out, you didn't respond. The ball is in your court. She clearly wants something more serious than this guy has to offer if you've read her other thread. OP, you two are clearly not on the same page. Interested people act interested. If he was really into you, one unanswered text would not dissuade him. Focus your efforts elsewhere. You will see the majority of posters here think you should move on. 1
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 I am not sure that encouraging the OP to keep in contact with this guy is the correct thing to do. The huge gap in her memory from leaving the bar to finding herself at his place with him inside her is worrying to say the least.
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 She clearly wants something more serious than this guy has to offer if you've read her other thread. OP, you two are clearly not on the same page. Interested people act interested. If he was really into you, one unanswered text would not dissuade him. Focus your efforts elsewhere. You will see the majority of posters here think you should move on. you two are clearly not on the same page. - She doesn't know that. They've never that conversation. I only read the post before this one where she said they were both trashed and had sex on the first date. Interested people act interested. - She is interested but she didn't communicate that clearly either. I do think she should move on, however, I think she would benefit by just exposing herself to that potential disappointment to help her develop a thicker skin going forward. She's been stressing for over a week. She's not letting it go. Time for her to take some control for herself. That is a first step to becoming stronger and more secure.
LoverOfDance Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 @Redhead14 - MY God, you are missing the point. Women are usually the vulnerable sex in dating scenarios BECAUSE men are physically stronger. Ask a woman - what is the worst thing that could happen to her on a date? She'll tell you she could get raped or murdered. Ask a man the same question, he'll tell you his date might be crazy, unstable or unattractive.
Redhead14 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 As for being physically vulnerable, that is one reason a woman should not be allowing herself to be alone with a man on a first, second, maybe even 3rd date. It's not a good idea to allow yourself to be alone with a strange man ever. Bottom line, don't get drunk on dates and don't get into their car and don't go to their home until you've gotten to know them at least a little bit better, that's for sure.
Author lovelymay Posted November 5, 2018 Author Posted November 5, 2018 I agree it's my own fault as well. We both got drunk and I do think he got drunk as well because I saw him drinking a lot. He's still in France ( 9 hrs difference) and yesterday he liked my Instagram post. Gosh I just can't believe why I am sooo afraid for a rejection from his side. I mean, I've been asked out by other men the past week (5x) and cancelled on all of them last minute because I'm just too stuck on this one. When other guys would behave like this, I wouldn't even care and in his case I do. I do want to send him a message, just don't want to seem very desperate and give him a change to reject me.
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