lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 Hi all, I am so confused right now. Have been asking for advice to many friends, and read 10000 articles but I still have no clue about what this guy wants. 3 weeks ago we had our first date after weeks of sending flirting messages. The problem is... we got SOOOO WASTED that we had sex on the first date! I keep thinking about that night and can only remember that we started off drinking 2 bottles of wine together, and to make things extra special he ordered champaign and we also drank 2 bottles of champaign together. Normally I only drink 1 glass of wine so this was really way too much for me. The night was super fun and the vibe was really good and I ended up at his place. I wasn't planning to have sex but suddenly we were doing it and we both enjoyed it. I'd had too much alcohol that I couldn't even speak a word anymore, and I remember feeling sick and falling asleep. He lied next to me and we slept in each other's arms. The next morning I woke up and wanted to leave early, when he noticed that I had left the bedroom he came searching for me. We hugged and cuddled a bit and I got dressed up, then he walked my way to kiss me goodbye. When I was about to leave he couldn't stop kissing me :-) That same day he messaged me several times to ask how I was doing and how I was feeling, it still felt great and we were texting back and forth. Suddenly after the weekend the whole interaction changed. Our messages are not flirty anymore, but rather short and not really meaningful. He sends me photos often of what he is doing, but without using any words. Sometimes we don't text for 48 hours and then he initiates texts again with many emojis (heart kiss emoji's). But I am sooo confused, like what does this guy want from me? - He hasn't asked me out again, but initiates text messages - He doesn't even ask me anymore about how my day was and how I'm doing. He just shares his day with photos. If he's not interested anymore, why does he still initiate contact? Is he shy and insecure or does he just want sex again? Do guys text girls if they've had sex already and lost interest in them? I am soo very much confused right now and I don't know what to do. I just want to get to know him a bit better without sex, or without starting to think about anything else because we don't know each other that well. I don't have any expectations and I don't think I'm clingy or needy, but how do I give him a clear sign that I want to get to know him better without him running away?\ My friends all say that I need to chill and enjoy the moment, take it slowly and easy, and that there's nothing to worry about. In my previous relationship everything went so fast (after the 1st date I saw the guy literally 5x / week) and maybe I'm just not used to this kind of interaction? Please help!
smackie9 Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 The best thing to do is to initiate another date, but this time keep your pants on and see if his interest is real. BTW I hope you had let him know that you had a great evening with him and would like to see him again. 1
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 The best thing to do is to initiate another date, but this time keep your pants on and see if his interest is real. BTW I hope you had let him know that you had a great evening with him and would like to see him again. I initiated a date yesterday but he was on the plane to France for his work :-( He did text me back within 1,5 hrs and sent me pictures of his dinner. And yes I let him know it was a fantastic evening and that I'd like to get to know him better, his response was that he had an amazing night as well...
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 So in the elapsing three weeks, he hasn't asked you out again? For what it's worth, when I was single, I couldn't stand when guys sent me photos with no conversation around them at all. It struck me as attention-seeking and lazy. Generally, unless the photo was relevant to what we'd been talking about, or there was some interesting comment along with the pic, I didn't respond to those. If you want conversation, use your words - that's my take. Two of my girlfriends once discovered they'd been chatting with the same guy, and he'd been sending them the same photos at more or less the same time. Just looking for a bite, it seemed. They may or may not be the case here, but this is why I prefer actual conversation than photos to communicate. And yes, some guys will text you even if they're not interested in dating you. They might be looking for a hook-up or just some attention. Since you suggested getting to know him better, see if he takes the initiative and asks you out when he's back from his work trip.
CardsFan01 Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 If I were in his shoes, after sex on the first date, I would probably have eliminated the thoughts of a long term relationship, but I’d want to stay in contact for future fwb hookups. Every guy is different, but the chase and challenge of it is a big deal to most.
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 If he's still texting you even if not as often, things are probably still good. Have another date but stay sober. See what happens. I agree with your friends. You need to chill & learn to slow down.
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 If I were in his shoes, after sex on the first date, I would probably have eliminated the thoughts of a long term relationship, but I’d want to stay in contact for future fwb hookups. Every guy is different, but the chase and challenge of it is a big deal to most. OMG I feel so stupid about this and he doesn’t know... Should I let him know? It was sooo mich alcohol and before I was aware of it we were having sex. It went way across my own boundaries and I regret it. Though the sex was really good I just regret that now he’s probably not interested in me anymore
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 If he's still texting you even if not as often, things are probably still good. Have another date but stay sober. See what happens. I agree with your friends. You need to chill & learn to slow down. I’m trying to but I just don’t know what to do. If he doesn’t show interest I’m willing to leave it as it is... At the same time I don’t want to risk a “What If he WAS interested in me?” scenario...
smackie9 Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 Hah maybe you were set up for a ONS....him purchasing so much alcohol is no different that a date rape drug. You even said you were too wasted....maybe to consent by the sounds of it. 1
kendahke Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 I vote with your friends. Since you have no previous frame of reference on going slow, you don't know how to self soothe when things are going slowly. You need to figure out how to do that so you can develop the self discipline to wait something out. Not all guys are going to text you constantly all day--and if you need that, you need to speak up and tell him what you need. If it's too soon to say that to him, then it's also too soon for your unexpressed expectations to be unpacked. I will say this much: one date in 3 weeks of knowing him, despite the previous weeks of texting, speaks to low interest. Just sayin'. He may be one of those who got what he came for and he's done... or he may be just shy or awkward and is trying to not mess up his chance, too. Looks like you're going to have to talk to him to find out what's up. He's the only person who knows.
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 just call him & you set up another date. Then you will know
stillafool Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 How could you drink that much alcohol when you're only use to one glass of wine? Never go pass your limit. I'm surprised that you even remembered that the sex was good. 1
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 Hah maybe you were set up for a ONS....him purchasing so much alcohol is no different that a date rape drug. You even said you were too wasted....maybe to consent by the sounds of it. What is ONS?
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 I vote with your friends. Since you have no previous frame of reference on going slow, you don't know how to self soothe when things are going slowly. You need to figure out how to do that so you can develop the self discipline to wait something out. Not all guys are going to text you constantly all day--and if you need that, you need to speak up and tell him what you need. If it's too soon to say that to him, then it's also too soon for your unexpressed expectations to be unpacked. I will say this much: one date in 3 weeks of knowing him, despite the previous weeks of texting, speaks to low interest. Just sayin'. He may be one of those who got what he came for and he's done... or he may be just shy or awkward and is trying to not mess up his chance, too. Looks like you're going to have to talk to him to find out what's up. He's the only person who knows. Ok you have a point. In his case it’s really hard tonfind out because he travels very often (2 weeks per month outside the country for work)
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 How could you drink that much alcohol when you're only use to one glass of wine? Never go pass your limit. I'm surprised that you even remembered that the sex was good. It was very stupid. We were dancing at the bar and the bar tender was pouring champaign into the glasses the whole time and I had such a good time that I didn’t even noticed that he kept pouring it in my glass. I thought it was only 1 or 2 glasses until I noticed the 2nd bottle
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 Let him know what? That I didn’t realize consciously what we were doing until I felt him inside me. I don’t want to take a victim’s role here or make him feel bad about it, but it’s the truth. It’s hard to explain how it felt... I knew we were having sex but I was definitely not consciously doing it. I remember thinking: Wait a minute, he’s inside me? What’s going on? And that’s the moment when I felt sick and fell asleep in his arms.
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 I vote with your friends. I will say this much: one date in 3 weeks of knowing him, despite the previous weeks of texting, speaks to low interest. Just sayin'. He may be one of those who got what he came for and he's done... or he may be just shy or awkward and is trying to not mess up his chance, too. But why would he initiate text if he’s really done?
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 I vote with your friends. Looks like you're going to have to talk to him to find out what's up. He's the only person who knows. What’s the best way of doing this without scaring him off or sounding too dramatic?
CardsFan01 Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 That I didn’t realize consciously what we were doing until I felt him inside me. I don’t want to take a victim’s role here or make him feel bad about it, but it’s the truth. It’s hard to explain how it felt... I knew we were having sex but I was definitely not consciously doing it. I remember thinking: Wait a minute, he’s inside me? What’s going on? And that’s the moment when I felt sick and fell asleep in his arms. You weren’t consciously doing it, but you still remember how great it was? No, I don’t think you should bring it up. Ask him if he’d like to go out again, and when you’re out, tell him the first night went faster than you had planned but you had fun and you’d really like to get to know him better. Don’t have sex with him. How he acts after that date will probably give you your answers. 1
Author lovelymay Posted October 29, 2018 Author Posted October 29, 2018 You weren’t consciously doing it, but you still remember how great it was? No, I don’t think you should bring it up. Ask him if he’d like to go out again, and when you’re out, tell him the first night went faster than you had planned but you had fun and you’d really like to get to know him better. Don’t have sex with him. How he acts after that date will probably give you your answers. Yes it’s weird I don’t know how to explain this. I realised we were doing it when I felt him inside me. But the moments before that... I really don’t remember how I ended up being naked next to him.
damni Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 (edited) Yes it’s weird I don’t know how to explain this. I realised we were doing it when I felt him inside me. But the moments before that... I really don’t remember how I ended up being naked next to him. This is VERY concerning. This man planned to get you so drunk that you would have sex with him, think about this for a moment...he is a total dick. Why would you even want to see someone like that again? He most likely has done this to other women as well, got them as drunk as possible so he can **** them. He only texted you afterwards so if you cried rape, he had those text messages to show. He is a total CREEP. I also think the reason you are so desperate to contact him now is because you want to feel some sense of control out of what happened. Edited October 29, 2018 by damni 1
CardsFan01 Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 This is VERY concerning. This man planned to get you so drunk that you would have sex with him, think about this for a moment...he is a total dick. Why would you even want to see someone like that again? He most likely has done this to other women as well, got them as drunk as possible so he can **** them. He only texted you afterwards so if you cried rape, he had those text messages to show. He is a total CREEP. Jumping to a lot of conclusions here. That may all be true, but it’s far from a certainty. It’s possible he’s a big drinker and didn’t realize she wasn’t. I have female friends than can go drink for drink with men all night. Having a long night doesn’t mean it was rape which you are suggesting. 2
damni Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 Jumping to a lot of conclusions here. That may all be true, but it’s far from a certainty. It’s possible he’s a big drinker and didn’t realize she wasn’t. I have female friends than can go drink for drink with men all night. Having a long night doesn’t mean it was rape which you are suggesting. He kept thrusting drinks at her, to me he was obviously getting her drunk to get an easy lay. That is pretty common tactic for a lot of low level guys. Sadly OP fell for it. I did not say it was rape, when did I ever say that? but he obviously manipulated the situation to get the end goal. I said, he may have wanted to cover his ass for rape accusations with a very drunk woman by those follow up texts. 1
preraph Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 So he travels a lot, but he could easily say, I am traveling and will be worn out for a couple of weeks, but when I get settled in again, we'll go out. You have champagne, you have sex. That's pretty much how that goes, in my experience. You drank too much is what happened. Look, this guy had sex with you and that is probably what his goal of the night was. Whether he's looking for a forever home, we just don't know. Whether he will be a hypocrite and blow you off for having sex the first date, we don't know. He could be married or have a girlfriend or anything. If he travels, he may have one at every port if he's attractive. I wouldn't ask him out. You told him you had fun. Finito. If he is still interested in you for anything, sex, dating, whatever, he will initiate plans. If he initiates a hookup, a Netflix and Chill, you'll know it's just sex. If he takes you on another date, he is giving you a spin at least, but don't drink more than one glass and watch that glass just in case he loaded it, though if you're a lightweight, even 2-3 glasses of champagne is plenty to knock you off your feet. I know because I was a champagne lush for many years... 2
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