scallop Posted October 28, 2018 Posted October 28, 2018 Two months ago, my boyfriend of 1 year and I were having issues but decided to stick it out and renew our apartment for a shorter lease (in case things didn't work out). While I adored his playful and warm spirit, he always shut down when I tried to discuss any problems, leaving me frustrated and unsure about our future. A few days after renewing our lease, his father (who he is estranged from) called at dawn to say that his mother (who he was very close with) had died suddenly. I felt intense pain for him and like he was suddenly alone in the world, having no immediate close family or friends. She was supposed to come visit us the following week. Our problems were forgotten and for the next two weeks, we were very close as he made funeral arrangements. I flew across the country with him for the service and to visit his extended family, a trip that I perhaps should not have gone on as we ended up fighting at one point. Once we returned home and the dust began to settle, the pain of the loss seemed to sink in for him. He withdrew from me, barely saying I love you until I asked if he still did, to which he responded that he did not know. He then went through a laundry list of my faults, instances where I had overreacted or gotten jealous, etc. over the course of our relationship, and reasons why we perhaps are not suited for each other (not all of which I can disagree with). After a couple more weeks of him being distant, I asked whether I should move out, to which he responded that he was unable to take on the lease himself, didn't mind having me around, and that maybe we could be roommates with occasional one-night stands (a joke, but it hurt). He later suggested being roommates who cuddle, which didn't sound so bad as I felt like he really needed physical contact. It's been two months since she died and I don't know where we stand or what to do. I know he needs support and have reached out to his extended family to keep in touch with him during this hard time. He is in therapy now through work, which is good. Despite all this we have been able to have some fun times. The other day he brought up the idea of couples therapy, which I supported and welcomed. I guess I am just confused about the best path forward. It seemed like we were both really happy with each other at one point, but he no longer feels that way, and I am struggling with my own feelings given how distant and cold he's been. I've read a lot of threads from others in a similar position as me, and while people often point out how disillusioning grief can be, I also feel like there's a numbness that takes over as your entire world view shifts and you no longer want the same things. I guess I wonder if that's part of what's happening now, and seeking advice on what to do. It seems like if we could work through our problems we'd have a happy relationship, but I guess that's true for most people, and I'm not sure what he wants.
vla1120 Posted October 28, 2018 Posted October 28, 2018 You hit the nail on the head when you said this is a time when he is probably feeling complete numbness and is not in a good place to think about, let alone make decisions about, the future. The best advice I can give is to just be there for him right now while he works through this grief. I am not sure how long you have left on your lease, but I would just let it ride for now. Don't ask him questions about whether he loves you or wants you to move out. If you love him, just be his unconditional rock for now and knowing he can depend on you may strengthen your relationship even further - enough so that those unanswered questions in your mind resolve themselves. Oh, and ABSOLUTELY YES to the couples therapy. 1
Million.to.1 Posted October 28, 2018 Posted October 28, 2018 This is a really sad story. I really feel for you Scallop. I don't really have any advice other than to pursue the couple therapy if your BF suggested it, then definitely use that. The relationship seemed strained already but I admit, the timing for breaking up with the logistics of the apartment etc are sticky. Pretty hard situation. Maybe the therapy will helps you guys work out a plan if nothing else. Grief is really tough. I lost my dad 1.5 years ago and it affected my relationship for a long time. Not intentionally, but it affects every area of your life when it happens....and it doesn't really go away, you just slowly grow a new life around the grief. This must be really tough for you. Be kind to yourself first. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2018 Posted October 28, 2018 The death of my EX's mom was a contributing factor in the demise of our relationship. He shut me out for over a year. My parents' deaths took a huge toll on me. I shut down for almost 4 years. I couldn't function. My husband stuck around but I know it was hard. You are asking for normalcy in 2 months. Not gonna happen. It's your choice how long you give the relationship but his healing is going to take years not months & for a long time he won't be able to move forward. Even if he had been inclined toward marriage he won't be able to fathom it at present because traditional things like the groom mother dance can no longer happen. His whole vision of his future of life without her has been destroyed. He has to come to terms with the fact that his kids will never know their grandmother. Understand none of this has anything to do with you. 1
Author scallop Posted October 28, 2018 Author Posted October 28, 2018 Thank you vla112. I think for now I am going to let it ride and see what happens. You're probably right that asking questions about things or putting pressure on him just makes it worse. The lease is for another 4 months but it's possible we could get out of it sooner. Hopefully I'll get some more clarity from the therapy.
Author scallop Posted October 28, 2018 Author Posted October 28, 2018 Thank you for your sympathy Million.to.1. Yes, I am hoping that if nothing else, the therapy can give us a plan for the living situation. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. It sounds like your relationship was able to survive, though?
Author scallop Posted October 28, 2018 Author Posted October 28, 2018 Thanks for the reply D0nnivain. I'm very sorry for the loss of your parents. I think you make a good point when you say his healing will take years. We have only been together for a year so it all just seems a little hopeless. I appreciate your saying that this doesn't have anything to do with me, it's easy to forget that a lot of it is not because of anything I did.
Million.to.1 Posted October 28, 2018 Posted October 28, 2018 I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. It sounds like your relationship was able to survive, though? No, it didn't. We seperated about 3 months ago. 5.5 years together. He tried to be as supportive as he could with my grieving process and subsequent depression, but there were other factors involved in the relationships demise. He was always threatening to break-up when we had conflict. He had anger issues he blamed me for, and I was always the problem to him. He did say to me once "how can I break-up with you while your Dad is dying" Guess he wanted to "appear" to be a nice guy, to others or something because I can't understand why anyone would ever say those words out loud to someone that supposingly cared about. I really loved him. But it was an (verbally) abusive relationship I have realised.
Author scallop Posted October 30, 2018 Author Posted October 30, 2018 I'm sorry for your loss and your relationship, too. It's strange but I actually went through something similar - the guy was a verbally abusive wreck and when my dad got stage IV cancer, he thought I was going home to meet up with an ex and freaked out... I definitely don't want to be like him in this situation. At the same time, I can't help but have a little bit of newfound sympathy for the position he was put in, despite my now very negative feelings towards him overall. Anyone who can say something like what your ex said doesn't sound healthy. If you're looking for some reading material, a book called "Why Does He Do That?" shed a lot of light on the subject for me. As for my current situation, I guess we'll see. Things have been okay the past few days, mostly because we've been on more of a friend plane.
bathtub-row Posted October 30, 2018 Posted October 30, 2018 Pressuring him about whether he loves you or not on the heels of the death of his mom wasn’t a good thing to do. Despite that, it doesn’t sound like the two of you are compatible and should probably split up once the lease is up. His reserved personality doesn’t jive with yours, but he is who he is. My parents died within 8 days of one another. My then husband was a complete nightmare to me while they were both hospitalized for 2 weeks. He was already verbally abusive and hated my attention to be diverted for anything - even my dying parents. I left him shortly after that and told him I’d never forgive him for the way he acted when I needed his support and was going through a horrible time. I could cry every time I think about it. It took about 3 mos for me to snap out of my mourning fog enough to leave him but it took much longer than that to get past the pain of losing my parents. Don’t pressure him right now. He’s going through a lot of emotions.
preraph Posted October 30, 2018 Posted October 30, 2018 He's in therapy now, so I would give it a little more time. If he was close to his mom, you need to give him time to adjust to that, as well. As long as he isn't outright abusing you, that is. Just be patient and see how the dust settles. Hang in there. 2
Author scallop Posted October 30, 2018 Author Posted October 30, 2018 Thank you. It's not easy when he says mean things but I am trying not to let it bother me. I guess I have become a little detached myself, out of necessity, while still trying to be there for him as a friend. We went on a hike Saturday which was good.
Author scallop Posted October 30, 2018 Author Posted October 30, 2018 I'm really sorry about your parents, I can't even imagine what that was like. I am not pressuring him now, except to occasionally ask about the general plans for therapy.
bathtub-row Posted October 30, 2018 Posted October 30, 2018 Thank you. It's not easy when he says mean things but I am trying not to let it bother me. I guess I have become a little detached myself, out of necessity, while still trying to be there for him as a friend. We went on a hike Saturday which was good. I missed the part about him saying mean things. Why would you put up with that? This relationship isn’t serving you in the important ways, as far as I can tell.
Author scallop Posted October 30, 2018 Author Posted October 30, 2018 Thanks. The mean things he says are more snide and a little bit cutting. I guess I am putting up with it for now because we live together and also, as he said when I brought up moving out, "I don't have anyone." It's really true in his case as he's understandably estranged from his dad and he and his brother aren't close at all. He was VERY close with his mom.
preraph Posted October 30, 2018 Posted October 30, 2018 Get him on as many active activities as possible because physical exercise will cut the stress a lot. But it needs to be regular. Getting out in nature, if he's anything like me, is the best thing to calm me down.
Author scallop Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 Yeah, that's about the only thing that's keeping him sane right now... sports, hiking, running. He does seem happier after... he also got an oculus rift headset after we went to a virtual reality place so he's literally in another world... I guess I can't blame him.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Yeah, I'm not sure about his saying mean things being related to grief. You know, grief really taxes your interpersonal skills. People who have things really together can stay close to a partner, because they know how to let the partner into their intimate space ... and they know how to let their partner nurture them. Most of us don't have that skill, so we have to withdraw ... because we can't quite let out guard down and stay close to someone. One of the great riddles of life: how to deal with people who are shut down! Truly a spectacular and maddening challenge. 1
Author scallop Posted November 2, 2018 Author Posted November 2, 2018 Thank you, I really appreciate your response. I think it's safe to say that his interpersonal skills were a struggle before this happened, and they've definitely taken a huge hit. He is not the most emotionally intelligent person, despite being very smart in other ways. I'm not sure why this is, but it's something I feel that others notice too. He wasn't being outright mean so much as callous and teasing, his humor a little less charming and more negative. After reading the replies about this I finally stood up for myself though, and since then it has been dying down. We talked a couple nights ago and he broke down and really cried for the first time in front of me since she died two months ago. He told me he doesn't have much to say to his therapist, so they just sit there in silence sometimes. I urged him to try and talk to her more. He seems to like her, at least. Still waiting on the couples therapy... he has a stressful project coming up at work so that is taking priority. For now things are calmer and I feel like we are slightly more connected.
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