Msgnz Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 (edited) I hope to make this as non long-winded as possible, but basically I'm in a bit of an emotional dilemma at the moment. I'm currently a young gay student at University and I've fallen for this guy that I know in my year. It may also be pertinent to mention that I am recently out of a four year long term relationship so this is undoubtedly affecting my feelings. Basically I've met this guy who isn't 'out and proud' but me (and my friend) think that he is gay and I've started to develop feeling towards him. However he's sending me quite a lot of mixed signals and I'm struggling to understand what's going on here... I'd appreciate some outside insight & wisdom I think he's into me because whenever we chat there is a kind of unspoken synergy which I feel with him. There is a lot of eye contact and he laughs at pretty much everything I say (even when no one else does!) He's also a snappy dresser and has commented positively on stuff that I wear. Moreover, he initiates conversations with me first if we're in a big room... in fact, the other day we were at a party and he saw me chatting to two other random guys and came over and interrupted our conversation (which was totally weird because it wasn't anything urgent, but I think he wanted my attention ) He has also mentioned his ex in a conversation, but didn't really say anything about her... which makes me think he might want me to know he's single. I run a poker night every week at Uni and he turns up every single time we have a game... even though he doesn't play poker or take part (he just 'likes to watch') However, I have chatted to him briefly on instagram/facebook and he doesn't do much to keep our conversations going. When I like someone I actively make an effort to sustain the conversation by asking questions etc., but he doesn't do this. Sometimes he actually reads my messages and doesn't even reply. I also find that sometimes he will seem comfortable not speaking with me if we're in the same room as each other. I don't know whether he's just being cool, or trying to maintain a straight persona. Perhaps I'm just reading too deep into things... is he just a really friendly straight guy who I have completely misinterpreted, or do you think there's something going on here? Ultimately I'd love to just straight-up ask him... but I don't want to make things awkward because we have a lot of mutual friends and University is quite a tight-knit community. I'd really appreciate any advice you guys have (and thanks for taking the time to read this huge essay haha...) M xx Edited October 27, 2018 by Msgnz
FMW Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 Maybe ask a casual question about his relationship with his ex and see if you can be comfortable working in something like "so have you only dated women?" and see not only what he says but how he reacts.
Author Msgnz Posted October 27, 2018 Author Posted October 27, 2018 Maybe ask a casual question about his relationship with his ex and see if you can be comfortable working in something like "so have you only dated women?" and see not only what he says but how he reacts. Thanks! I'll definitely try this... I know his relationship was quite short. I went out with a few girls before I came out (each for a couple of years) so I'm well aware that previous relationships aren't always the best indicator of sexuality! I'm also quite emotionally intelligent although I'm not always the best at reading body language. I was at a bar last week and apparently my friends said a girl was interested in me but I didn't get that vibe at all haha! I'm wondering whether I've got it completely wrong here...
maxi105 Posted October 28, 2018 Posted October 28, 2018 hmmmm...hello msgnz. the first thing here is that although you may suspect, the fact is that you don't fully know for sure! so you need to be careful here. you say you've fallen for a closeted guy, but unless you know for sure then it may be that he's not in the closet at all. you could make yourself one hell of a fool if he is not gay! some people seem one way but are actually not!!!!!! so don't assume for sure as you may anger him if you play this badly! secondly, if he is in the closet you ought to respect that or at least be careful in your approach. there is nothing to say that all gay people need to be out and proud. some folks are and im sure that's ok for them and why not, others are not and that's ok for them because thats what they need and that's ok for them too. whatever the situation, im sure its a private matter that is probably different for different people and that probably changes too or is affected by personal circumstances (good or bad)... maybe he likes to watch the excitement of poker but cant afford to risk losing his own money if he has a limited funds for college. id question whether you are as out and proud as you say otherwise you would have just asked him out by now, even asking him out quietly by now surely? look, if he is in closet and you know he is gay 100% or interested in you as a sexual relationship then you need to speak up. (don't get involved in this just because you think he's gay and certainly stop involving other people in guessing about his sexuality!!!! ) I don't agree with that, someones' sexuality is a private thing and if he's actually in the closet its going to be very personal to him, but if you do like him then write him a note and give it to him quietly.if he likes you he will be happy you asked. if he's not gay then at least you will know, if he is gay and in the closet, don't disclose things any further with your friend about what you find about him, however happy you are about this. you need to respect people's privacy in this area and you could cause real problems for him just by digging into his personal life or having others invade his privacy like this.yo9u could cause problems and not even know about the problems you have caused him....and that is also not fair for him. so, try a letter saying how you feel and at least you can give him some space to think about whether he wants to go further to initiate things if he likes you in that way. or decline you in that way. if you want a proper insight, then you need to ask him; as only he can answer what you really want to know! just be careful that you are not rebounding on him!!!!! that wouldn't be fair either, and maybe he'd be better off in the closet if he is actually in one, than being used by a nice and well meaning guy that has been too much affected emotionally and mentally by a recent break up. ps, regarding ways to talk to him on this....I don't think you ought to be delving into who he's dated or playing games to try to find out about him and who he is attracted too usually or in the past, that's not fair, it'll make him feel vunerable, maybe angry or at least personally grilled by you (whether he turns out to be gay or not) and it smacks of insecurity on your part in not being able to just talk to someone openly but with offering maturity and discretion. just tell him you like him and leave it for him to think about. if he likes you he'll get back to you... Good luck. maxi.
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