Should I leave a good marriage?

[MassiveAtom]

Should you leave a good Marriage?!? What kind of question is that? If it was good then you wouldn't be leaving it!

 

ah loveshack....... what will you come up with next?

 

No, you shouldn't leave a good marriage.

 

can you tell I didn't read the whole post?

[Metermaid]

 

can you tell I didn't read the whole post?

 

yes, I can tell

[guest]

Should you leave a good Marriage?!? What kind of question is that? If it was good then you wouldn't be leaving it!

 

ah loveshack....... what will you come up with next?

 

No, you shouldn't leave a good marriage.

 

can you tell I didn't read the whole post?

 

 

aren't we supposed to be supporting eachother here?

[scobro]

You had an emotional affair with OM.This can be as bad as a physical affair.

[Scott S]

[sNIP] Please tell me what you think this means - When we're together, I feel connected with him; its comfortable, easy, and familiar. We enjoy each others company, we laugh together. Not 100% yet, but I feel better after counseling. As soon as I'm away from him, my mind changes and I think of being alone, or of my ex, or just feel lonely and depressed. Then when we return from work and spend the evening together, my warm feelings for our relationship return.

Whats going on? Do I want this or not? I feel so ambivelent, so confused. I do not want to become too familiar with feelings of ambivilency and end up stuck for years. any thoughts?

 

Ideally, in a marriage it should be "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," but what I'm reading into this is more like "Out of sight, out of mind." I hope that's not really the case.

 

I'm happy for you that the counseling is progressing well, & I hope you both continue to do so.

 

The fact that you're both in counseling speaks clearly to the fact that, somewhere inside, you really do love your H, & that you want him to be the source of the emotional fulfillment you seek. Remember, he now has quite a few changes of his own to make in order to get there. I hope you're giving him a reasonable chance to do so.

[Metermaid]

Well, we've been in counseling for a month now. Things are much better, I've definitely seen changes and progress from my husband. He understands that his lack of emotional availability has been hard for me. We've had very loving discussions of our expectations of eachother and our marriage. We've been spending a lot of time together and I've felt good. Started to feel like the dust is settling and I know what I want.

But then tonight, I was listening to music on the subway home and heard a song that reminded me of my ex and I immediately felt such a strong longing for him. I just sat there and cried. How can I miss someone so much that I'm sure I am not supposed to be with?

[cranium]

Please tell me what you think this means - When we're together, I feel connected with him; its comfortable, easy, and familiar. We enjoy eachothers company, we laugh together. Not 100% yet, but I feel better after counseling. As soon as I'm away from him, my mind changes and I think of being alone, or of my ex, or just feel lonely and depressed. Then when we return from work and spend the evening together, my warm feelings for our relationship return.

Whats going on? Do I want this or not? I feel so ambivelent, so confused. I do not want to become too familiar with feelings of ambivilency and end up stuck for years. any thoughts?

 

But then tonight, I was listening to music on the subway home and heard a song that reminded me of my ex and I immediately felt such a strong longing for him. I just sat there and cried. How can I miss someone so much that I'm sure I am not supposed to be with?

 

Have you brought up in MC your feelings for OM? We are all human and attractions to others are inevitable. I know you told your H your saw your ex, but did you tell him that this guy from your past is really wigging you out?

 

My story is similar to Trimmer's. MW came to me and asked for a separation. Being that we were in the same marriage, I knew we had issues and neither of us was particularly happy at the time. She told me was no one else.

 

I immediately got us into MC. It was a few months later, while we were actively in MC, that her EA became a PA and I caught them. I would have preferred she had told me she was having feelings for this OM before she acted upon them. While I would have been upset that there was an interloper pursuing MW, we could have worked from there. Instead, we've had to deal with much worse.

 

Now, we've come a long way, and I feel really connected when we're together, but I still having these nagging thoughts that she spends time thinking about him; that she is having thoughts similar to what you describe, longing for her OM. I'm not saying she is, but how would I know for certain.

Given her past with him, I don't think it's out of the ordinary for me to have these concerns. And when I do have these thoughts, I get pissed off. I feel she should be expending zero time or energy entertaining any thoughts of OM. Her entire focus should be on us and our M.

 

The difference between my situation and yours is, you are having these thoughts. Your quotes above and...

 

I'm not planning on running back to my ex. I know the problems we had would still be there, I've thought about that.........and thought about it.........and thought about it

That's a lot of thinking...If you are not sharing these feelings with your H, then you are robbing him and your M of vital energy and intimacy.

 

Regarding MC..

I've bared a lot of my disenchantment with my husband and marriage in the sessions. My husband has been pretty good about it.

I've definitely seen changes and progress from my husband. He understands that his lack of emotional availability has been hard for me.

 

Sounds as if your husband is on board and committed to enriching your relationship. Again, your H needs to know what he is up against. Right now there is a big blind spot in his vision. Also, if you can find a way to discuss your OM feelings with your H, those feelings may not have as tight a grip on you.

[quankanne]

We could talk for 3 hours about politics, but not about our feelings, thoughts, fears, etc.

 

is this something you're willing to work on, communicating with your husband on a deeper emotional level? DH and I have been married awhile, but it's only been the past couple of years that I have started to open up about things like my beliefs and thoughts simply because I wasn't sure HOW to do that.

 

So here is my question: What do I do if after counselling I feel we just aren't compatible in that way? Is it unreasonable, naive, or immature of me to sacrafice everything else we do have for the search of all that plus emotional chemistry?

 

hate to say it, but you're the only one who can judge that. You are able to tell us what you feel, but we can't feel it with you or why you suspect it's lacking ... a lame answer, I know, but you've got to go through it to figure the answer out. Sometimes it's a mark of maturity to stay, and other times, it's a mark of maturity to move on.

[quankanne]

But then tonight, I was listening to music on the subway home and heard a song that reminded me of my ex and I immediately felt such a strong longing for him. I just sat there and cried. How can I miss someone so much that I'm sure I am not supposed to be with?

 

for many of us, I think there will always be a longing for what never was, just a very human response. At some point, though, we figure out how to put away the past and focus on what's ahead.

 

too slow in responding with previous post, but I'm very glad to hear that the counselling is bearing fruit!

[Metermaid]

Have you brought up in MC your feelings for OM? We are all human and attractions to others are inevitable. I know you told your H your saw your ex, but did you tell him that this guy from your past is really wigging you out?

 

I told him we spent time together and sorted out old issues and it was a very emotional experience for me. But I have not told him of my feelings for him. I am scared of the outcome - hurting him, mistrusting him. And I am hoping to work through this and forget about my ex; if my husband knew I'm not sure he'd ever forget about it. I know that's not the correct answer but I don't want to sabatage whats already struggling. However, your quite right about:

...If you are not sharing these feelings with your H, then you are robbing him and your M of vital energy and intimacy.

 

Cranium - I'm sorry you've been on the other side of this. I see what my husband is going through and I certainly have never wanted this.

 

Now, we've come a long way, and I feel really connected when we're together, but I still having these nagging thoughts that she spends time thinking about him; that she is having thoughts similar to what you describe, longing for her OM. I'm not saying she is, but how would I know for certain.

 

I'll try and speak for your wife if its similar to what I've experienced. I'm sure you have come a long way and you'll continue to do so. I'd assume she is still occasionally thinking of him but she probably can't help it. If she has these feelings, she has these feelings. But since you two are working it out she's most likely dealing with these feelings and trying to get over them. Thats something she has to do. She can't ignore them, she needs to face them in order to know what to do with them. She's made the commitment to stay in the marriage and will work towards that.

 

 

Given her past with him, I don't think it's out of the ordinary for me to have these concerns. And when I do have these thoughts, I get pissed off. I feel she should be expending zero time or energy entertaining any thoughts of OM. Her entire focus should be on us and our M.

 

You can't assume - if you really want to know, ask her. She might be very open given the "damage control" mode you're in. Its not fair to her or to your marriage to get pissed off about something you've assumed.

 

I wish you so much happiness.

 

is this something you're willing to work on, communicating with your husband on a deeper emotional level? DH and I have been married awhile, but it's only been the past couple of years that I have started to open up about things like my beliefs and thoughts simply because I wasn't sure HOW to do that.

Ready to work on? Thats all I want! I've tried opening up many times and it just doesn't lead into the really bonding conversations I want. Not sure whether its him, or us as a couple. However, since he's been in individual therapy and is acknowleding his emotional issues, I can see his effort. He asks me more personal questions, emotional questions. I can tell its more of an effort rather than a genuine behavior, but its a start.

 

but you've got to go through it to figure the answer out. Sometimes it's a mark of maturity to stay, and other times, it's a mark of maturity to move on.

 

So profound and ironic that I'm reading this on my 30th birthday - a different mark of maturity.

I actually feel that going through this test, I am growing. I have moved myself up a notch on my priority list, which I am not used to. I am learning I am human. I am learning this is life.

 

will keep updating...

[quankanne]

Whats going on? Do I want this or not? I feel so ambivelent, so confused. I do not want to become too familiar with feelings of ambivilency and end up stuck for years. any thoughts?

 

yep: you're not sure about this change in your relationship with your husband, even though you want and appreciate it. Somewhere in the back of your head, you're probably thinking "this is too good to be true, he's going to lapse back into Mr. Emotionally Unattainable, and I'll be screwed," so you're not putting your trust into the change. Been there, trying hard to struggle through it at times, but keep in mind that because he loves you, he's quite capable of surprising you by trying harder to give the marriage what it needs. I think you reach a point where you stop fretting about him not being this or that, or reverting back to his former behavior and start focusing on the fact that he is interested, and tries to make the marriage better.

 

as for thinking of the old flame, I think that's pretty much our safety net, thinking that there was someone in our past who understood us so well ... who loved us so much ... who screwed so good (okay, I'm being smart-assy here, but you get my drift) ... that we tend to go back to that ideal situation or moment to get us through the disappointment of not having our needs met at present. Not sure how to move past that one, I'm guilty of it, especially when I get peeved with DH. Boyfriends I ended up not liking by the end of those particular relationships take on a new shine, it gets that dumb for me.

 

remember what Willie said: you've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative ..

[rachelcarney]

Metermaid, I am right there with you.

 

I am in a "good" marriage, in that we don't fight much, we have divided household chores in a way that makes us both satisfied, we agree on not having children, we occasionally have sex and it is good when we do.

 

But I want to leave him a dozen times a day! Partly because I think I'm still in love with the guy I was with before him, but of course I also think that's just a symptom of me being unhappy with my marriage. We have been through counseling twice, with two different counselors, the first more successfully than the second. But that counseling I think helped us stay together an extra two years, but I don't know yet whether we'll stay together much longer. Recently I started individual marriage counseling because my husband doesn't want to do couples counseling anymore. Individual marriage counseling is pretty great, I recommend you try it, because the counselor doesn't worry so much about being "balanced" and so you get to get down to how you're feeling quicker, I think.

 

I told my husband a few weeks ago that I was thinking about leaving him. I know that sounds like a mean thing to do, I didn't say it as a threat, or as a manipulation, I just wanted him to know that I was thinking about it. And for about two weeks, I was surprised by how hard he worked at our marriage. Now it's back to how it was, but it's understandable to not be able to put in effort all the time, and now I'm left here to decide if the fact that he tried to work on it is enough for me to stay? I was truly touched by how supportive he tried to be, and it reminded me of how my marriage is really not so bad. But is "not so bad" worth staying for?

 

When I think about leaving him, I also have a lot of guilty feelings because a lot of my friends are still single, and are desperately searching for a guy. Here I have a guy, he's committed himself to me, I even like him, and yet I'm thinking of throwing it all away. I imagine you have some of those same feelings. I feel naive and selfish to consider ending a marriage just because it's not THERE, when so many other pieces fit. A lot of days I just want to slap myself across the face and say, "Grow up! It doesn't have to be super." And other days I say to myself, "Why don't I deserve a full heart?"

 

On the advice of my psychologist, I am filling some of the emotional holes my marriage should be filling with animals. Have you considered a pet to fill your maternal longings until you decide whether or not to have a child with your husband?

 

Please keep us updated on how things go! In a way, I think I will be sad for you either way, because I see so much of myself in your situation, but hopefully you'll find a way that doesn't make you feel sad.

[Metermaid]

Here I have a guy, he's committed himself to me, I even like him, and yet I'm thinking of throwing it all away. I imagine you have some of those same feelings. I feel naive and selfish to consider ending a marriage just because it's not THERE, when so many other pieces fit. A lot of days I just want to slap myself across the face and say, "Grow up! It doesn't have to be super." And other days I say to myself, "Why don't I deserve a full heart?"

We are having the same thoughts. This goes back and forth numerous times a day in my head. It keeps me mentally so busy that sometimes I forget what I'm doing or where I am just from these heavy thoughts. I have some friends that LOVE their inconsiderate, rude husbands and are constantly trying to keep them happy and I can't keep continuous, positive about my husband who is a genuine good person. I wish I could answer your question regarding whether to grow up or get out. How and when do we know what we have is actually the best life has to offer?

rachelcarney-have you made up your mind? how has your husband reacted? how long have you been married?

 

as for thinking of the old flame, I think that's pretty much our safety net, thinking that there was someone in our past who understood us so well ... who loved us so much ... who screwed so good (okay, I'm being smart-assy here, but you get my drift) ... that we tend to go back to that ideal situation or moment to get us through the disappointment of not having our needs met at present. Not sure how to move past that one, I'm guilty of it, especially when I get peeved with DH. Boyfriends I ended up not liking by the end of those particular relationships take on a new shine, it gets that dumb for me.

I've realized that my feelings for my ex are really the impetus for a lot of my marriage problems. Being around him made me feel so good. He made me feel better about myself than my husband does. Not that my husband is mean or cruel, he just doesn't speak my "complimentary language" that goes straight to my heart. I've also realized that maybe the interlude with my ex was more of an ego stroke to me rather than a genuine reconnection........well, maybe it was a bit of both. Either way, on Saturday I'm flying back home to see my family and am sweating it. What if I call him? What if I don't and regret it? What if, what if, thats all I've been doing lately. part of me thinks I should leave it alone and focus on my marriage. Another part thinks I should see him again to confirm my feelings are just old ones that will eventually die out. Another part of me wants to see him for selfish reasons because I miss him. Really not sure what to do.

[RecordProducer]

Please tell me what you think this means - When we're together, I feel connected with him; its comfortable, easy, and familiar. We enjoy eachothers company, we laugh together. Not 100% yet, but I feel better after counseling. As soon as I'm away from him, my mind changes and I think of being alone, or of my ex, or just feel lonely and depressed.

I would talk to the counselor about this. In any case, if you feel good with him, that's what counts. It would've been bad if it were the other way round. Perhaps you have emotional or pshychological problems that are not related to your marriage - that's why you feel bad when you're alone.

 

Maybe you just need to have your own life and not depend on men so much (emotionally). If you love your husband (and only you kno whether you do or not) and if you feel good around him then you should stay with him. Just my two cents..

[rachelcarney]

How and when do we know what we have is actually the best life has to offer?

rachelcarney-have you made up your mind? how has your husband reacted? how long have you been married?

 

I don't know the answer to the first question. And I haven't made up my mind about my marriage yet, though I have decided to stay with him for the time being. The path of least resistance is to stay; apart from any other reason, getting divorced or moving out would be a huge and painful undertaking that I'm not ready for. My husband has reacted better than I would have. He seems to be able to forget about it and not let it affect how we interact, which is quite frankly a little bizarre, I would have been hurt and it would have made me very insecure. I think he realizes that being hurt or negative about it won't help the situation. He has always been less upset about problems in our marriage, it seems like water off a duck's back to him. I have been married for six years. Which is I think enough to know roughly what I'm in for in the next ten. There are things about him that will never change, and that's something that's hard for me to accept. And I don't think I can ask him to change some things, so maybe it would be better for him if he found someone who can be happy with him the way he is, because it doesn't seem that I am one of those people. If we did break up, I think he would find a good relationship again more quickly than me.

 

How was your weekend in your hometown? Did you speak to your ex? Did you think about him a lot?

[Metermaid]

Just returned from trip back home. I don't know where to start...............and I don't know where to end. It took less than 24 hours to call him and similar to my very 1st post here, my life will never be the same. I am fully convinced that this is the man I will be with, not sure when, but convinced it will happen. I usually live my life by my head and heart and do not look towards "signs", or fully hold faith in fate or destiny. However, with this man there are signs everywhere, occurances of fate and destiny each day, and I feel and understand the emotion of soulmates. We've both grown, lived, and learned in the 7 years apart and neither of us have found an equal that we find in eachother. Same as our last interlude, I did not have a physical affair. But this time I definitely had an emotional one. I decided that if I am contemplating leaving my husband, I need to figure out what my feelings are for my ex. So I held my breath and jumped in; and he was right there with me. I'll save the pages and pages of emotion I am feeling for my journal and my therapist, but I will say this: this past week with him has been exactly what I feel my life has been missing and I'm realizing that its been missing since we parted 7 years ago. I was too young and immature to appreciate it then, thought I could find that connection with anyone, but I was wrong. My husband is a great man and we've developed a nice life, but we will never have that kind of intimacy. I've also realized that if I could leave this marriage without having to deal with my family, friends, his friends and family, all our wedding guests, basically everyone in my life - I would have done it already. Thats pretty heavy to admit and obviously have huge guilt issues surrounding all this. I think I'll go call my therapist now and make an appointment.................

[Ditherer]

I've also realized that if I could leave this marriage without having to deal with my family, friends, his friends and family, all our wedding guests, basically everyone in my life - I would have done it already. Thats pretty heavy to admit and obviously have huge guilt issues surrounding all this.

 

When you find yourself saying this sort of things you KNOW what the answer is. Me, I find myself saying "if it wasn't for the kids and the house and the wedding vows.. if it was JUST about me and the wife.. I'd go home TONIGHT and tell her it's over and I'm outta there" ... but things get in the way, don't they? Other people get in the way. The question is, do you want to put YOUR needs first for once in your life, and let everyone else deal with how it affects them? You are not responsible for how THEY pick up the pieces and rebuild their lives. Are you going to carry on living an unfulfilled life just to keep other people 'happy' (they can't be!) or to avoid what others might say? That's what I'm still asking myself.

 

I hope you find the answer.. and let us know!!

[Metermaid]

I just talked to my mother for an hour, who happens to be a therapist and knows most of my situation. She does not know about this 2nd emotional affair though. She was telling me somewhere in the bible it says we should love even when we are not loved in return and eventually it will come full circle. (I am loved by my husband, just not in the way I'd like) I'm not a religious person, but this does speak to me. If I just stick through this will I be happy for it later? It might not be for 15 years, but will I wipe my brow and thank myself for being strong? Will I have such an amazing relationship that can only develop after years of hard work? Or will I wish I had done what I feel like doing now? I'm young enough to start again and work really hard with this other person that feels like it would be easier to do that with. Such a naive thing to say, I know, but my husband and I are so different that EVERYthing takes work. I've told myself that just because we don't have the same tastes, or opinions, or philosophies means we are one of those quirky "opposites attract" couples. But really, it just feels like opposites.

Ditherer: Thanks so much for your perspective. Now if you could just tag along with me for the next year and keep reminding me of that, maybe I could get through this! I do tell myself those things - and it gives me courage for a few minutes, then I start doubting myself. What if I reget it? What if I make an even bigger mess? What if I make a fool of myself? What if life doesn't get any better than what we make of it? I guess the last question is advice to myself.

[FreeMe]

my husband and I are so different that EVERYthing takes work. I've told myself that just because we don't have the same tastes, or opinions, or philosophies means we are one of those quirky "opposites attract" couples. But really, it just feels like opposites.

 

Oh my god, I have said almost these exact words, especially the first sentence, about my boyfriend. I'm struggling with whether to move forward into a further committment with him or end it. I feel bad because there's not really any other reason to end it - he's a good man. He wants us to stay together. Part of me does and gets sick when we've almost ended it, but part of me really feels that we should both find people more compatible.

 

I can really feel what you're going through and it's worse since you're already married. Keep us updated!

[Metermaid]

I was laying in bed 2 nights ago, paining over what to do with my life when my husband came home. I listened to his footsteps walk in, past the bedroom door, into the kitchen; just as usual and having no idea his wife was in the other room agonizing over life. I suddenly had a moment of clarity, a "this is life" moment, that this will never make sense until I am perfectly honest with him, with everyone. How else can anyone understand? How can he understand? I got out of bed, put on my robe, and walked into the kitchen. I sat him down and told him what was really going on - that the past 6 months I have not just been questioning his emotional feelings and our marriage, but that I have also been questioning my feelings for my ex and that I did see him when I was home last week. I cried the entire time and forced myself to look at him so I was sure to know and see what I was doing to him. He cried like I've never seen him, this from the man that can't show emotion. We sat there for hours in silence, when I got up the next day he was still in the same spot on the sofa, sleeping. The whole day at work I didn't know how to feel, numb and tired. I figured I'd come home and we would talk - opposite of what happened. He's never been colder, he's completely shut down. He asked 2 questions - who else knows, and when am I leaving. Thats it. I'm gone, I got one chance. I'm not even sure if I want a 2nd chance, but still, he didn't even want an explanation. I've only said about 3 sentances worth of hours of talking. He's reacting to what he's assuming happened and to what he's assuming I'm feeling. He doesn't want to hear from me, just wants me out. This is the unemotional man he can be and doesn't want to try. I understand he's hurting so I'm giving him his space. I held back tears all day at work, thinking that even though I'm not 100% in, I'm also not 100% out. All these months I've been hoping that I'd snap out of it and return back to my normal life before I ran into my ex, which was in love. We've always had our problems as all couples do, but I was in love. Now I'll never know and I suppose I deserve this, but after 5 years of work all it took was 3 sentances and its over.

[lilmoma1973]

 

If it is so good why leave it maybe you are lacking from your marriage what you don't have with your s/o and the ex is fulfilling it and you think you two are meant to be .. Work on this current relationship before you decide to call it quits get into some counseling for you and your h to see how come you don't have that connection that you are longing for then and only then if counseling don't work than divorce your current h and pursue this other man but don't give up for this ex how do you know it will last if you leave your h !!!

[rachelcarney]

I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you, such an abrupt ending. You said you know he assumes something happened, do you mean that he thinks you slept with your ex? If so, do you think telling him otherwise would make a difference? It might show him you still had some respect for him, which might convince him to speak to you again. Even if you the two of you split up, it would be so much better for both of you if you could do it on better terms. I know you can't expect anyone to be chipper about it, but I hope that the situation warms up a little for you, just thinking of living in a house under these conditions sounds awful. I hope you get the opportunity to at least discuss it with your husband soon. Keep us posted.

[Metermaid]

Everything I said in the last post still stands true; but one thing stands out to me: I haven't fought back. I hate to admit this but its easier letting him ask me to leave than me telling him I want to leave. Maybe I've been waiting for this all along, for him to tell ME its over rather than me tell him.

He has softened though. I came home today and we talked about the cats, and a few other insignificant things. I walked into the kitchen and he followed me, started crying, and told me how scared he was; scared to be alone, scared to be without me. My insticts were to hold him, to cuddle him, to tell him everything would be ok. But really, that would only make me feel better and make him think there was a chance. I saw my therapist tonight and she really puts things in perspective. There is NO time better than now to be myself, to take control, to tell myself what to do rather than let someone else, to lead my own life even if it means hurting someones feelings. So easy to hear and agree to in the office, but once I'm home and see my husband crying and paining - I don't feel as strong.

How did I put myself in a situation that ends up hurting someone so much?