Navybluegal Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 I am seeing someone I met online, been on two dates so far. In our text conversation we’re making plans for third date. He said that if I didn’t want to see him two nights in a row I’m dumb because he’s really into me. Now, I understand that it was meant to be a joke (or so I would think), but somehow it’s still rubs me the wrong way. What do you think? Red flag?
ElKay Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 He might just have a more immature way of joking or he may be just pompous, or both. Hard to say with that comment alone. How are his jokes like usually?
Author Navybluegal Posted October 27, 2018 Author Posted October 27, 2018 He is pretty confident at the very least, it’s hard to tell from two dates though. It’s easy to put on a face for a short time. Another joke I did not appreciate is when we were talking about prostitution and strip clubs philosophically, I asked him if he’s ever done it. He said that he is not paying for something that he can get for free. I don’t know how I feel about that comment...
BaileyB Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 (edited) Both are definitely in poor taste, but I'm not sure that I would end it because of a few bad jokes. It's hard to say for sure - you know him better than we do... I once called my boyfriend an idiot (I was joking, it just slipped out of my mouth and I regretted it the moment I said it). He didn't appreciate it, but he didn't make a big deal of it. I apologized and I've never done it again. He would probably make a joke like the prositute joke... he likes to be outrageous sometimes and believes himself to be hilarious. I find it to be immature and inappropriate, which I tell him. Now he does it with a smile and a nice comment... about how I know I am his one and only. Whatever, you can't fight every battle... Next time he says something that offends you, tell him. See what his reaction is - if he apologizes and he becomes more considerate, that is a good thing. Edited October 27, 2018 by BaileyB
guest569 Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 I see straight through it. He sounds needy and clingy and wanting to hear (read) words of reassurance. Very immature. You can't be sitting there available to him,you have a life.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 Using "dumb" as he used it ... to apply to the thinking of a woman he's interested in ... is ... absolutely-you-know-what quality ____! His humor and the way he used the word ... that's a middle-school or junior high line! ... Maybe ... maybe this lame line can be used playfully in nervous high-school adolescent dating by the class clown ... But this is a grown guy now ... completely immature. This guy may simply not be as sophisticated and as thoughtful as someone you're looking for ... So perhaps it would be ____ to spend a lot of time with him.
Malin889 Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 “Next time he says something that offends you, tell him”? They’ve been out on two dates, he should not be offending her at all. Why should he be given another shot? If he offends you or makes you uncomfortable , don’t see him anymore. How does prostitution or strip clubs even come up on a second date? 1
Million.to.1 Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 Hmm.. Not that you should be hasty and not see him again over this or anything, but do proceed with care. Humour is a interesting thing.. and subjective....and as many posters have mentioned, often the type of "jokes" people make are a reflection of their maturity - or lack of it. If he takes a lot of pride in his humour and defines himself as a funny person.. then it can become a big issue if you arent responding how he expects. When he doesn't receive laughter or a positive reaction from his "audience" it's a hit to the ego and can be redirected back at them in a "lighten up" or "geez, I'm just joking" ... as if the audience is the one with the issue for not finding the joke funny. Just try not reacting to any jokes you find unfunny and see how he responds if you just ignore it. If he turns it around and makes it your issue - that is a red flag. Also, personal attacks or little digs disguised as "jokes" is a narcissistic behavior so be weary of those if any teasing seems a bit inappropriate or has intention to embarrass you in front of others.
TunaCat Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 I would never call someone I recently met, dumb. Even if I meant it as a joke, it's too soon to make jokes like that. You don't know how the other person will take it. The other night I called a guy I'm casually seeing, an idiot. I was totally joking and he knew that. Mostly because we've known each other for almost 20 years. We have that kind of relationship/friendship were we can do that stuff and no one gets offended.
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 I'm gonna go with red flag....too soon to be talking that way.
ChatroomHero Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 I think you are making something out of nothing. It's like if you were to say, "Oh, you like sky diving? You're crazy!"...and him taking it as an insult like you are literally saying he is mentally ill. If you really wanted to, you could find offense at the word "the". Forget about it and stop overanalyzing.
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 I think you are making something out of nothing. It's like if you were to say, "Oh, you like sky diving? You're crazy!"...and him taking it as an insult like you are literally saying he is mentally ill. If you really wanted to, you could find offense at the word "the". Forget about it and stop overanalyzing. Now change that to "You like skydiving?! Now that's dumb!" seems insulting don't it? 1
Normm Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 Insensitive and in bad taste, yes. A bit odd, yes. In isolation not a dealbreaker. Tell him you don’t like it and if he persists then it’s time for the curb kick.
Author Navybluegal Posted October 27, 2018 Author Posted October 27, 2018 I'm very cautious whenever someone is trying to manipulate me into doing something, and his "joke" sounded like that. Don't get me wrong, my friends take jabs at each other all the time.. But I'd much rather be called jokingly "crazy" than jokingly "dumb"
guest569 Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 Doesn't anyone else think it is a thinly veiled attempt at fishing for reassurance? "Aww I feel rejected cause she won't see me 2 nights in a row, so she is dumb coz I lyk her n stuff. So it's her being dumb, I'm totes good enough" I agree that "dumb" is NOT something to call a woman you want to impress. 1
kendahke Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 (edited) I am seeing someone I met online, been on two dates so far. In our text conversation we’re making plans for third date. He said that if I didn’t want to see him two nights in a row I’m dumb because he’s really into me. Now, I understand that it was meant to be a joke (or so I would think), but somehow it’s still rubs me the wrong way. What do you think? Red flag? How old is this guy? I think it depends upon how old he is and what is a normal mature response for that age bracket compared to what he said. I would say if he's upwards of 30, his filters should be in place. For me, it's a red flag--it would have doused any interest I had in him, especially if he wasn't making it clear in his behavior that he was that into me. Clearly, he wasn't if that came out of his mouth. Perhaps he needs to work on his communication skills instead of his really bad comic routine. Edited October 27, 2018 by kendahke
shesabeauty Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/668004-girl-calls-guy-serial-killer-just-joke Look at my thread. Insults are usually a very bad sign IMO. Treating them as trivial opens the door to more abuse. 1
Author Navybluegal Posted October 28, 2018 Author Posted October 28, 2018 How old is this guy? I think it depends upon how old he is and what is a normal mature response for that age bracket compared to what he said. I would say if he's upwards of 30, his filters should be in place. For me, it's a red flag--it would have doused any interest I had in him, especially if he wasn't making it clear in his behavior that he was that into me. Clearly, he wasn't if that came out of his mouth. Perhaps he needs to work on his communication skills instead of his really bad comic routine. He is 32...
I'veseenbetterlol Posted October 28, 2018 Posted October 28, 2018 I think he may be tooting his own horn and that is not a good thing. Joking around is fine, but I would never want that from a guy I barely know. Plus I see that statement as a manipulative thing as I dated a guy who was very manipulative and used veiled attempts to show how great he was. He might be trying to get you to think that if you don't spend the time w/him that you are really dumb. Be very careful.
shesabeauty Posted October 28, 2018 Posted October 28, 2018 As you probably understand, it's a sign of disrespect and most likely will snowball in the future. You have been warned.
Author Navybluegal Posted October 28, 2018 Author Posted October 28, 2018 Yeah, there were signs of that too. He and I parted ways. 1
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