Different views on parenting and drinking

[mopar crazy]

I love my mil very much but there is one thing that I don't agree w/ what she did when raising H. She let H and his friends drink in their home,when they were minors. The parents of the other minors said it was ok if they drank there since they weren't out running around doing it. Now, H thinks that we should let our kids drink b4 their 21 as long as they do it at home. I told him there is no way in he!! that is going to happen. He said it's better than having them do it outside of the home and getting caught. I did drink b4 I was 21 and when my parents found out I did get grounded. And w/ the laws on purcurring. There is no way I am going to allow our kid's friends to come to our house, drink and get busted for percurring. I know my kids will probably drink when they get older, just like we did, but I just don't agree w/ allowing them to do it. When I got caught drinking and got MIP I had to pay my own fine w/ no help from my parents.

My H and I were raised w/ totally different views on drinking and I don't know how to compromise w/ him about this. Any ideas?

[d'Arthez]

It is a very hard one. But what are you exactly afraid of? That they will do something illegal, or that they will behave irresponsible?

 

If the first is the fear, it will happen as drinking is beyond your control, if they want it to happen. If it is the second one, it will for most part depend on your parenting skills whether or not it happens, and if it does happen if they will be responsible people about the whole thing.

 

Just by disallowing something you don't necessarily teach your children the right lesson. By not giving information, you make certain that they will find their information elsewhere (which is a huge problem with sex and sexuality), and make decisions on basis of that information. The same can happen with alcohol of course .

 

You need to find a compromise. But to be able to do so, you will have to take a look at the pro's and cons of both your preferences. Perhaps allowing your kids to drink a bit when they are supervised by at least one parent, but not have friends come over to drink?

[mopar crazy]

It is a very hard one. But what are you exactly afraid of? That they will do something illegal, or that they will behave irresponsible?

 

 

 

If the first is the fear, it will happen as drinking is beyond your control, if they want it to happen. If it is the second one, it will for most part depend on your parenting skills whether or not it happens, and if it does happen if they will be responsible people about the whole thing.

 

Just by disallowing something you don't necessarily teach your children the right lesson. By not giving information, you make certain that they will find their information elsewhere (which is a huge problem with sex and sexuality), and make decisions on basis of that information. The same can happen with alcohol of course .

 

You need to find a compromise. But to be able to do so, you will have to take a look at the pro's and cons of both your preferences. Perhaps allowing your kids to drink a bit when they are supervised by at least one parent, but not have friends come over to drink?

 

Thanks. If I do decide to let my children drink at home, w/ my supervision, there will not be allowed to have friends over unless they are 21. It's stupid to put myself at the risk of percurring. My kids are 12 and 10, so I hopefully I still have a few years b4 this is something we really have to deal w/.

[gigilani]

You are teaching your children that is ok to break the law by allowing them and/or their friends to drink when they are underage. This is distorting boundaries for them. Yes, they may drink anyway, but, like you said you were punished when you were caught doing so and that's as it should be. Educating your children about the effects of drinking and the consequences of doing it illegally is key. However, to contribute to the deliquincy of a minor is not showing them how to be a good citizen & you would not be a good parental figure. This would not be any different then you allowing your minor to have consensual sex in your home.

[Outcast]

Such a stupid planet. There are no drinking age laws in chunks of Europe. Kids once in a while get a sip (operative word: SIP) of wine. Less alcoholism and all-round stupidity.

 

My mother used to give my friends and I small glasses of wine once we hit our teens but before we were 'legal'. Nobody got drunk and nobody turned into alcohollics.

 

I wish people would get their panties in a twist over allowing kids to watch blood, gore and violence which are proven harms.

[d'Arthez]

Such a stupid planet. There are no drinking age laws in chunks of Europe. Kids once in a while get a sip (operative word: SIP) of wine. Less alcoholism and all-round stupidity.

Yep.

 

I wish people would get their panties in a twist over allowing kids to watch blood, gore and violence which are proven harms.

Nah. That would make sense.

 

You are teaching your children that is ok to break the law

I see another campaign against anal sex, jaywalking, and and under age sex under its way. Statistics would show that 99 % of the Americans should be fined and locked away ...

Just because it is a law, does not mean that it is necessarily sensible. If you are not considered nude if you are wearing your shoes, does not mean, that you should go into the shopping mall with only your shoes on, because it is not illegal. That does not make sense - and people need to be sensible about the laws, customs, and effects of their decisions to abide or not abide the law.

 

In the case of drinking, it is the parents who must decide what is the most sensible approach to that matter. Just outright prohibiting it does not solve the issue. If children are interested in booze, they can get it elsewhere. Or let an older brother, or whomever buy some. Or do you believe that most people wait until they are 21?

[mopar crazy]

You are teaching your children that is ok to break the law by allowing them and/or their friends to drink when they are underage. This is distorting boundaries for them. Yes, they may drink anyway, but, like you said you were punished when you were caught doing so and that's as it should be. Educating your children about the effects of drinking and the consequences of doing it illegally is key. However, to contribute to the deliquincy of a minor is not showing them how to be a good citizen & you would not be a good parental figure. This would not be any different then you allowing your minor to have consensual sex in your home.

 

 

I agree, gigilani. It's against the law to drink under 21 and what kind of parent would I be to allow my children to break the law, even if it's in my home? If I let them break the law w/ underage drinking they are going to think it's ok to break any law b/c their parents allow them to break the drinking age law.

 

I can't do anything about the laws in the state I live in about drinking. It's a law, and I must abide by them just as my child should. If I allow them to drink under 21 what kind of example am I setting?

 

I don't want my child going out and getting drunk and doing stupid things, especially illegal things or just plain stupid. When I drank under age I did a lot of stupid things. I even did stupid things when I was old enough to drink legally.

 

I just don't agree w/ this rule w/ my H.

[Art_Critic]

You are teaching your children that is ok to break the law by allowing them and/or their friends to drink when they are underage. This is distorting boundaries for them. Yes, they may drink anyway, but, like you said you were punished when you were caught doing so and that's as it should be. Educating your children about the effects of drinking and the consequences of doing it illegally is key. However, to contribute to the deliquincy of a minor is not showing them how to be a good citizen & you would not be a good parental figure. This would not be any different then you allowing your minor to have consensual sex in your home.

 

I agree ..

 

When I was 18 ( along time ago ) the drinking age in Ga was 18 and I started to drink then.

 

By 19 or 20 I was a full blown drunk that took me years to overcome and sober up.

Had I grown up in a different time I might not have taking my drinking as far I did.. Yes I still would be an alcoholic but the circumstances of the beginings of my drinking career would've been different. More subdued

 

What was the drinking age when your husband was raised ?

[gigilani]

.

 

 

people need to be sensible about the laws, customs, and effects of their decisions to abide or not abide the law?

.

 

What's the sense in having laws if we get to "choose" which ones we want to follow, good or bad, they are put in place for our protection and if we are caught breaking those laws, then we suffer the consequences.

 

.

In the case of drinking, it is the parents who must decide what is the most sensible approach to that matter. Just outright prohibiting it does not solve the issue. If children are interested in booze, they can get it elsewhere. Or let an older brother, or whomever buy some. Or do you believe that most people wait until they are 21?

.

 

 

So, if it's against the law for a minor to consume alcohol, then it is not up to the parent, if that parent chose to break the law by allowing their minor to drink & were caught, the parent(s) would face possible fines & jail time & could possibly have their parental rights taken away as well. We all agree that underage drinking occurs, but that's a sad excuse to contribute to it. So, what's your answer to teenage sex & drug use?

 

Also, someone I went to school w/ was allowed to drink at home. He was a alkie by 17 & last time I heard he's still struggling w/his addiction several years later.

 

Mopar, good luck. I hope you succeed in bringing your H around.

[Outcast]

Drinking at home will no more lead to early addiction than will drinking out behind the school.

 

If you're silly enough to think your kids won't or can't drink if you don't give it to them, you're probably silly enough to think kids don't have sex until they're allowed to, either.

 

Home is the exact place for them to learn responsible drinking - just the way they do in much of Europe.

[d'Arthez]

.

 

What's the sense in having laws if we get to "choose" which ones we want to follow, good or bad, they are put in place for our protection and if we are caught breaking those laws, then we suffer the consequences.

 

And what is the sense of an insensible law? Kindly explain that to me. Or is the only way of thinking, i.e. because it is a law it is neccesarily a most reasonable law?

 

So, if it's against the law for a minor to consume alcohol, then it is not up to the parent, if that parent chose to break the law by allowing their minor to drink & were caught, the parent(s) would face possible fines & jail time & could possibly have their parental rights taken away as well. We all agree that underage drinking occurs, but that's a sad excuse to contribute to it. So, what's your answer to teenage sex & drug use?

 

My answer is indeed not believing that there all children don't have sex before they are of legal age, just because it is the law. In the case of drinking the law is clearly outdated, and ineffective. Compare the US to other countries, in the Western world and you will see that.

As for drug use, a lot of parents do cocaine nowadays for recreational purposes; including politicians of course. Musicians. Which profession is not represented in those stats? It does not make it the most reasonable decision, I agree. It shows however that the laws on matters like these need revisioning, and improvement.

 

Also, someone I went to school w/ was allowed to drink at home. He was a alkie by 17 & last time I heard he's still struggling w/his addiction several years later.

And? I know a lot of people who were not allowed to drink at home, before acquiring legal age. Did that make these people genetically immune to alcoholism? No. Did the lack of supervision by parents help? No. When they were finally allowed to drink (in case that they did not do so secretly), they did when they were alone and on their own - and then you don't even think of the possibility that you may become an addict.

[gigilani]

Drinking at home will no more lead to early addiction than will drinking out behind the school.

 

 

Yes it can lead to early addiction, as you have alcohol right there at your disposal and the rules are relaxed, whereas you are more inclined to be cautious so as not to get caught when you are drinking outside the home.

 

 

We are not in Europe, so we culturally don't have the same views on drinking. BTW there are just as many alkies in Europe as there are here, so how responsible are they?.

[erika2610]

Drinking at home will no more lead to early addiction than will drinking out behind the school.

 

 

Yes it can lead to early addiction, as you have alcohol right there at your disposal and the rules are relaxed, whereas you are more inclined to be cautious so as not to get caught when you are drinking outside the home.

 

 

 

We are not in Europe, so we culturally don't have the same views on drinking. BTW there are just as many alkies in Europe as there are here, so how responsible are they?.

 

Not all alcoholics are alocholics because they were allowed to drink at home before the legal age. I would rather have my kid drink at home where I KNOW he is safe, than have him out on the streets getting smashed with his friends, where I don't know what he's doing..

[RecordProducer]

You should teach them not to drink at all! It's not a matter of sooner or later, it's a matter of NEVER. Just like drugs. They should learn that adults (over 18) can have a drink or two when they go out or on special occasions. Drinking is very much a matter of culture and personal example, but also congenital predisposition. It is an indirect deadly weapon and a factor that ruins families.

 

By allowing them to drink with their friends when they come over you're teaching them that it's an acceptible way of living their lives. I will check my sons' breathe (and bahavior) for alcohol until 18 or 20 and I will try to teach them not to associate with kids who drink, as well as engage them in sports and other activities instead.

[erika2610]

You should teach them not to drink at all! It's not a matter of sooner or later, it's a matter of NEVER. Just like drugs. They should learn that adults (over 18) can have a drink or two when they go out or on special occasions. Drinking is very much a matter of culture and personal example, but also congenital predisposition. It is an indirect deadly weapon and a factor that ruins families.

 

By allowing them to drink with their friends when they come over you're teaching them that it's an acceptible way of living their lives. I will check my sons' breathe (and bahavior) for alcohol until 18 or 20 and I will try to teach them not to associate with kids who drink, as well as engage them in sports and other activities instead.

 

Most kids are gonna drink at least a few times. When they go out partying with their friends and such. And teach them not to assocaite with kids who drink? Why? They're bad? I just think most kids are gonna drink, and as I said, I'd rather have them safe in my house than wandering around on the streets. Good luck if teaching them not to drink works.. but what're you gonna do when they do? When they're curious or there friends talk them into it?

[Outcast]

Sadly, too many people associate 'drink' with 'drunk'. When my mother allowed my friends and I some alcohol, it was a little bit, not to drink until we were blotto. There's nothing at all wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner from time to time so to fear all alcohol is far too extreme.

 

Again I say it is best for a person to learn RESPONSIBLE use of alcohol at home. That means a drink occasionally not many drinks often.

[LauraBancroft]

This is indeed a tough topic to talk about. I have very different views, since as a part of my culture ( I was born and raised in Ireland), we drank a lot. But my parents would always tell us that we had to wait until we were sixteen to have a full drink and we were cut off at two drinks. Our friends came over and well it was just an acceptable way of life. When I was younger though my mom always gave me a sip of her wine if she was having some and I didn't turn out to be an alcoholic or into drugs. I think once you mature and come of age that you do your own rational thinking.

 

My children though, I think I will have to agree with someone that said that if you choose to let your children drink in your home you should not have any of their friends over and offering them drinks. I do not think it is socially acceptable in the US to do any of this, however I think if my sons came to me when they were about sixteen or seventeen and said "Mom I'm going to try a few drinks while out with my friends" (I know thats probably never done but still) I would suggest they do it at home and under my supervision, not with their friends. It all boils down to what you want to do with YOUR children. No one else need butt in and say, but opinions are good to gather.

 

As for drugs, hell my mom smoked my first joint with me, I was sixteen and I knew right after smoking it that it wasn't for me and I never touched it again. I have never done hardcore drugs. That was the first and last time, but not everyone is the same. I guess it boils down to rational, mature, clear cut thinking.

[guestagain]

I would advise you to never serve drinks to your kids' underage friends. Check the law in your state. Where we live, a parent can be thrown in jail if they serve alcohol to a minor and that child happens to drive and gets in an accident and injures or kills someone or even damages property. The parent that served the kid alcohol can be sued and lose everything. It has happened in our community.

 

Also in our state, a minor can be arrested whether drinking or not if the child is with other minors who are drinking in a home and are caught. Being arrested for drinking means the loss of scholarships or being kicked off team sports or even out of school. The laws are much stricer than when I was a kid.