Should I let her go?

[Maximiliano]

Hi everyone. I am a 34 year old male from eastern europe. I don't normally share my dating experience but I thought I would, with this one. I met this one woman with 2 kids (2 sons) some 3 months ago. By the way, I am not a desperate person by any means. It just so happened. She is great looking and the sex is great and all that. But I have now run into some issues with her and I would appreciate some guidance.

 

She is from another country. I met her when I was travelling. After a month of texting, I invited her to come and visit me for a week the first time. We had a nice short vacation at the beach for a week. The second time she brought her kids with her for a full month. Then I went to visit her in her country for about a month.

 

But about one month into our relationship some things started bothering me. First of all I caught her telling lies on multiple occasions.

 

It turned out she was seeing other guys when we had just met and while we were texting the 1st month. (Before her 1st visit to my country). It is not my assumption, she told it when she was drunk.

 

Second time I caught her telling a lie was when she had visitted me for a week (I always paid for the flight tickets and all that) she went back and she told me she likes me and that she is not seeing anyone else. And she said she would come back and we would move in together. But when she visitted me the second time for a month, she first told me she was not seing anyone. But when she got drunk she said she was on a few dates since our last meeting. It was frustrating.

 

Another issue was when I saw her texting with one particular guy on a regular basis. She was swearing he was only a friend. And she would get mad at me for even suspecting her for something like that. But just like before, she got drunk one night and told me they had dated for about 4 months some 2 years ago. And she said he was now just a good friend and she would not give up talking to him for nothing in the world.

 

A few similar scenarios followed like this.

 

Then one night she told me she had worked as a prostitute for a few years. And she said she also used to be attracted to women in the past. I think she still is, up to a certain point.

 

One of her sons is a cool kid but the younger one is a perfect example of a mama's boy. And it is really becomming frustrating to say the least. Every time I hug her or plan to have sex this boy becomes jealous, starts offensive talking, gets mad at me and fakes a stomach ache or similar thing to get her attention. And after sex, her son realizes we had sex and becomes mad at me and throws punches at me and all that. He feels extremely protective of his mother and sees me as a threat. He is glued to her 24/7 and will never leave her alone. I am not a type of person to become irritated easily but this kid completely pisses me off.

 

One of the biggest frustrations is that we have little or no privacy and occasionally she will literally ask for his son's permission to have sex with me. And this may sometimes take 10-15 minutes between her and her son.

 

Like: "Oh sonny, do you mind if we have some privacy?" And he will say: "oh mommy, what do you mean?" And this may go on back and forth for some time. This pisses me off. And I eventually end up not feeling up for sex and a bit angry. And then she starts comparing me with other guys and tells me how some other men would have no problem in situations like this. Just a ton crap, basically.

 

I realize dating single moms is a different story. But I think there is a fine line between taking care of your children and ignoring your partner. I feel I am not even her 3rd priority.

 

Unfortunately she has alchohol issues too. She drinks heavily once or twice a week. She is really dependant on it. And when she starts, she can't stop until she is trashed. And she usually has to drink the next day too.

 

Taking all of this into consideration, I don't know if I can trust her anymore. There is trust issues, there is alchohol issues, there is inadequate behavior etc. etc. If the only problem was dealing with children, I could probably handle it somehow. But I feel she has more emotional garbage than an average person can handle.

 

She will occasionally flirt with other guys and then blame me for being jealous. I am thinking about dumping her but I want to do it on my own terms. I am leaving for a month in a few days and I am almost certain I cannot trust her. I am so angry that I want to prove it to her first and then dump her. I have made arrangements to prove it if it happens. I will not provoke anything myself. But if she does it, it will not go unnoticed.

 

What do you think? Any input will be appreciated.

Thanks.

[preraph]

I think you know this isn't the woman for you. She has an alcohol problem, to start with. She has a lying problem. Of course, no surprise she was dating around when you met or even after since you've only known her 3 months, but the thing is she chose to lie about it.

 

She's talking advantage of you financially, as a prostitute will do. She has a prostitute mindset and she probably always will. She probably still works when she needs money if she can. So this seems easy to me: Not someone you want to be with, liar, drunk, prostitute.

[smackie9]

You got me at "caught her lying....." Why are you even posting this thread?...she's playing the field and taking whatever guy that comes her way. Ditch the *%^$#

 

 

God god man....she doesn't need any second chances, stop wasting your time with her.

[Lotsgoingon]

A lie is a red flag, a sign that something is wrong.

 

Actually just one lie is enough to stop a relationship.

 

Let her go. She's not right for you.

 

BTW: lying is a huge red flag on its own. You mention like a half-dozen other red flags.

 

You don't need to doubt yourself. You've got more than enough clear evidence that this woman isn't right for you. Cut her off and move on.

 

Learn from this ... Next time: stop and confront the first lie and go no further. It's challenging to do if we have gotten up hopes up. But we have to do it. Or else we're setting ourselves up for major betrayal and problems.

[Chilli]

Got me when she brought her kids to spend a month with basically a stranger, so soon .

[Marc878]

I hope you realize you are headed for a train wreck.

 

We're just "friends" is the biggest lie told here.

 

You see that **** you know exactly what it means.

 

Better wake up !!!!! Quick

[snowcones]

Yes you should let her go. This is what happens when you date someone that you can not see every day (or even weekly). It takes a lot longer to get to know the real them and by that time you have caught feelings for them, not to mention, wasted precious time, and then you have to deal with surprises. Just chalk it up to you having a fun time for someone for a month or so. Move on.

 

Also, don't date women with children at all (no matter how hot they are), especially young children. It is obvious that you are not a parent.

Edited October 27, 2018 by snowcones

[Maximiliano]

Yes. It is frustrating to be lied to. I always thought people deserved a second chance but I guess it works differently with women. It is a ****ty feeling when you don't know if you can trust her.

 

And yes, no disrespect, but I will never date women with kids. Never again. It is just not worth the trouble. What annoyed me most about the kids is that they are not thankful. You do a lot of good things for them, pay for everything etc., but as soon as their mom is mad at you, so are the kids. Very unfair I think.

 

So, basically it feels like you do all the work but you get a lot less than what you give. I have no problems providing for the woman, but the level of attention that I get makes me feel like a donkey.

 

I forgot to mention. The reason I want to wait 1 month before I tell her, is that I feel she is trying to tell me another bull****.

 

She says (in her own words):

" I have changed the way I see love. I don't get attached to anyone anymore. I love differently." and all that bull****.

 

I want to catch her cheating (or something of the similar nature) and throw it on her face in front of her friends and tell her "I am dumping you". I know I already have the reason to leave her but I feel a very strong urge to do it.

 

I am really sorry to have wasted my time with her.

[snowcones]

Yes. It is frustrating to be lied to. I always thought people deserved a second chance but I guess it works differently with women. It is a ****ty feeling when you don't know if you can trust her.

She lied but liars have an easier time getting away with their lies when you are not there with them everyday to fact check.

 

 

And yes, no disrespect, but I will never date women with kids. Never again. It is just not worth the trouble. What annoyed me most about the kids is that they are not thankful. You do a lot of good things for them, pay for everything etc., but as soon as their mom is mad at you, so are the kids. Very unfair I think.

Her kids being ungrateful is another issue. Even if she had thankful kids, you should not date women with kids. They will be her priority and she will do things with them and talk to them in ways that you will not understand.... and the kids feelings are another layer of complexity too.

 

 

I forgot to mention. The reason I want to wait 1 month before I tell her, is that I feel she is trying to tell me another bull****.

I'm sorry, you are waiting 1 month for what?

 

 

She says (in her own words):

" I have changed the way I see love. I don't get attached to anyone anymore. I love differently." and all that bull****.

 

I want to catch her cheating (or something of the similar nature) and throw it on her face in front of her friends and tell her "I am dumping you". I know I already have the reason to leave her but I feel a very strong urge to do it.

Okay, you're angry with her. You have a right to be angry but you should also be angry at yourself for making the unwise choice to date someone so far away who would have such an easy time deceiving you. You have to acknowledge how much you put yourself in this position and not just blame her.

 

 

I am really sorry to have wasted my time with her.

Well you're young. You will pick up and find someone else.

[Maximiliano]

Okay, you're angry with her. You have a right to be angry but you should also be angry at yourself for making the unwise choice to date someone so far away who would have such an easy time deceiving you. You have to acknowledge how much you put yourself in this position and not just blame her.

I agree 100%. I should know better next time.

[Marc878]

Waiting a month is just life wasted.

 

Quit being indecisive you know what to do

[preraph]

Yes. It is frustrating to be lied to. I always thought people deserved a second chance but I guess it works differently with women. It is a ****ty feeling when you don't know if you can trust her.

 

You can't change people, so "second chances" can't be "given." If they want a second chance, THEY go to a therapist or a rehab clinic or whatever it is and THEY remake themselves and give themselves a second chance. You would only be enabling her. And she's in a very bad pattern.

Edited October 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Calmandfocused]

Oh my goodness!

 

Op have you any idea how inappropriate it is for your gf’s son to know that your having sex with his mother? And the fact she asks his permission? All parents on this forum are going to find this completely unacceptable and nausea inducing. I don’t know where you are but in the uk talking about sexual themes in front of children can be constituted as child sexual abuse.

 

I suggest you think long and hard about this. She clearly has no boundaries with you, alcohol, and especially with her own children.

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree 100%. I should know better next time.

 

OP, it's not as simple as "I should know better."

 

Go deeper: you had about ten loud and flaming opportunities to know better. And it's not enough to know better. You have to have the confidence to act on what you know ... to add up the pieces in a confident and decisive way.

 

Users and liars don't announce to us, "We're dangerous. You will get hurt spending time with us." That doesn't happen.

 

So I would just gently point you in the direction of dropping a dangerous, unreliable person ... even though you may still feel their charms.

 

I say this because I "knew better" in similar situations ... but knowing and acting on that knowledge are two different things. I had to practice this ...

 

Also heads up: if you put up with this level of insanity from this woman, then likely you're putting up with and ignoring insanity in other parts of your life. So start practicing with coworkers, bosses, neighbors ... practicing seeing through their b.s. So see this as a project. It's not as simple as "knowing better."

[Maximiliano]

Waiting a month is just life wasted.

 

Quit being indecisive you know what to do

I understand. But I am leaving in a couple of days anyway. I will get on with my life. I will not tell her anything just yet. I am almost certain she will do something of the same kind and I want to throw it on her face.

 

Because she was telling me I am a jealous person. Which I am not. First of all, being jealous doesn't make sense. I believe that if my partner was an appropriate person and wanted to be with me, there would really be no reason to be jealous. If she wants to cheat, she will cheat anyway. And I would move on.

 

The thing with this woman is that I get the impression that she can have an affair with more than 2-3 people at the same time. And this is what pissed me off. And she called me jealous for this. So I want to prove it to her, call her with the "right" name and tell her that I am dumping her. I know she is not worth it but It is just the way I am. I feel a strong urge to do it this way.

 

Am I being ridiculous or do you guys think it is reasonable to act this way?

[Maximiliano]

Oh my goodness!

 

Op have you any idea how inappropriate it is for your gf’s son to know that your having sex with his mother? And the fact she asks his permission? All parents on this forum are going to find this completely unacceptable and nausea inducing. I don’t know where you are but in the uk talking about sexual themes in front of children can be constituted as child sexual abuse.

 

I suggest you think long and hard about this. She clearly has no boundaries with you, alcohol, and especially with her own children.

 

I absolutely agree. I find it inappropriate too, to say the least. One of the kids is 10, the other one is 7. I spoke to her about this. She told me this is the way she wants to raise her kids, so that they become open minded and all that. So, they don't learn things the wrong way from the street. That is her words.

[Marc878]

I understand. But I am leaving in a couple of days anyway. I will get on with my life. I will not tell her anything just yet. I am almost certain she will do something of the same kind and I want to throw it on her face.

 

Because she was telling me I am a jealous person. Which I am not. First of all, being jealous doesn't make sense. I believe that if my partner was an appropriate person and wanted to be with me, there would really be no reason to be jealous. If she wants to cheat, she will cheat anyway. And I would move on.

 

The thing with this woman is that I get the impression that she can have an affair with more than 2-3 people at the same time. And this is what pissed me off. And she called me jealous for this. So I want to prove it to her, call her with the "right" name and tell her that I am dumping her. I know she is not worth it but It is just the way I am. I feel a strong urge to do it this way.

 

Am I being ridiculous or do you guys think it is reasonable to act this way?

 

People like this don't care. You're just giving her headspace when you should be moving on. Just wasting more time for what?

[snowcones]

OP, it's not as simple as "I should know better."

 

Go deeper: you had about ten loud and flaming opportunities to know better. And it's not enough to know better. You have to have the confidence to act on what you know ... to add up the pieces in a confident and decisive way.

 

Users and liars don't announce to us, "We're dangerous. You will get hurt spending time with us." That doesn't happen.

 

So I would just gently point you in the direction of dropping a dangerous, unreliable person ... even though you may still feel their charms.

 

I say this because I "knew better" in similar situations ... but knowing and acting on that knowledge are two different things. I had to practice this ...

 

Also heads up: if you put up with this level of insanity from this woman, then likely you're putting up with and ignoring insanity in other parts of your life. So start practicing with coworkers, bosses, neighbors ... practicing seeing through their b.s. So see this as a project. It's not as simple as "knowing better."

 

 

Brilliantly said.

[Maximiliano]

Also heads up: if you put up with this level of insanity from this woman, then likely you're putting up with and ignoring insanity in other parts of your life. So start practicing with coworkers, bosses, neighbors ... practicing seeing through their b.s. So see this as a project. It's not as simple as "knowing better."

This statement is not exactly true for me. Although I understand where you are coming from. However, I don't normally put up with crap from coworkers, bosses, friends etc.

 

With women I do have a history of being more accomodating than I should be. But I am working on it.

[sabaton]

Hi everyone. I am a 34 year old male from eastern europe. I don't normally share my dating experience but I thought I would, with this one. I met this one woman with 2 kids (2 sons) some 3 months ago. By the way, I am not a desperate person by any means. It just so happened. She is great looking and the sex is great and all that. But I have now run into some issues with her and I would appreciate some guidance.

 

She is from another country. I met her when I was travelling. After a month of texting, I invited her to come and visit me for a week the first time. We had a nice short vacation at the beach for a week. The second time she brought her kids with her for a full month. Then I went to visit her in her country for about a month.

 

But about one month into our relationship some things started bothering me. First of all I caught her telling lies on multiple occasions.

 

It turned out she was seeing other guys when we had just met and while we were texting the 1st month. (Before her 1st visit to my country). It is not my assumption, she told it when she was drunk.

 

Second time I caught her telling a lie was when she had visitted me for a week (I always paid for the flight tickets and all that) she went back and she told me she likes me and that she is not seeing anyone else. And she said she would come back and we would move in together. But when she visitted me the second time for a month, she first told me she was not seing anyone. But when she got drunk she said she was on a few dates since our last meeting. It was frustrating.

 

Another issue was when I saw her texting with one particular guy on a regular basis. She was swearing he was only a friend. And she would get mad at me for even suspecting her for something like that. But just like before, she got drunk one night and told me they had dated for about 4 months some 2 years ago. And she said he was now just a good friend and she would not give up talking to him for nothing in the world.

 

A few similar scenarios followed like this.

 

Then one night she told me she had worked as a prostitute for a few years. And she said she also used to be attracted to women in the past. I think she still is, up to a certain point.

 

One of her sons is a cool kid but the younger one is a perfect example of a mama's boy. And it is really becomming frustrating to say the least. Every time I hug her or plan to have sex this boy becomes jealous, starts offensive talking, gets mad at me and fakes a stomach ache or similar thing to get her attention. And after sex, her son realizes we had sex and becomes mad at me and throws punches at me and all that. He feels extremely protective of his mother and sees me as a threat. He is glued to her 24/7 and will never leave her alone. I am not a type of person to become irritated easily but this kid completely pisses me off.

 

One of the biggest frustrations is that we have little or no privacy and occasionally she will literally ask for his son's permission to have sex with me. And this may sometimes take 10-15 minutes between her and her son.

 

Like: "Oh sonny, do you mind if we have some privacy?" And he will say: "oh mommy, what do you mean?" And this may go on back and forth for some time. This pisses me off. And I eventually end up not feeling up for sex and a bit angry. And then she starts comparing me with other guys and tells me how some other men would have no problem in situations like this. Just a ton crap, basically.

 

I realize dating single moms is a different story. But I think there is a fine line between taking care of your children and ignoring your partner. I feel I am not even her 3rd priority.

 

Unfortunately she has alchohol issues too. She drinks heavily once or twice a week. She is really dependant on it. And when she starts, she can't stop until she is trashed. And she usually has to drink the next day too.

 

Taking all of this into consideration, I don't know if I can trust her anymore. There is trust issues, there is alchohol issues, there is inadequate behavior etc. etc. If the only problem was dealing with children, I could probably handle it somehow. But I feel she has more emotional garbage than an average person can handle.

 

She will occasionally flirt with other guys and then blame me for being jealous. I am thinking about dumping her but I want to do it on my own terms. I am leaving for a month in a few days and I am almost certain I cannot trust her. I am so angry that I want to prove it to her first and then dump her. I have made arrangements to prove it if it happens. I will not provoke anything myself. But if she does it, it will not go unnoticed.

 

What do you think? Any input will be appreciated.

Thanks.

 

 

She's an alcoholic, she has 2 children and you probably don't want to deal with that, she's also using you emotionally and financially, and she's acting like she's a prostitute and you are her client. If I was you I'd end this ''relationship''.

[Maximiliano]

Today she gave me a lot of crap. Sometimes I wonder if I could make it work if I did things differently. But I reckon it would probably not matter. People just do what they do.

 

I remember a story from my childhood. There was a scorpion that wanted to swim accross the river. The scorpion asked a frog to carry him accross. The frog gets scared and says "I am not sure I would be doing this. What if you bite me?" The scorpion says: "It is impossible. Why would I bite you? If I do that, both of us will drown". The frog says: "Oh ok, makes sense". The frog carries the scorpion about half way accross and the scorpion bites the frog. The frog asks in despair: "Why the hell did you do that? Both of us will die now". The scorpion answers: "I know. I am sorry. It is my nature"..

 

I felt a very strong urge to tell her to f... off this evening. But I did not. Not because I want to stick around. I have already decided to let her go. But I have decided to play it on my own terms. I am almost certain I will catch her cheating and I have a plan. I want to embarass her and call her with the right name and only after that tell her good bye.

Edited October 28, 2018 by Maximiliano

[Marc878]

You are wasting your time trying to prove a point to someone who doesn't care and won't get it anyway.

 

You seem very immature. You should fix that. It isn't going to get you a thing.

[Purrrfect]

This woman is a hot mess. What a train wreck. The fact she used to be a prostitute should have been a deal breaker. I feel sorry for her kids. Are their Dads even around? It’s not the kids fault their Mom is a hot mess.

 

I wouldn’t discount all single moms just because of this. My kids are from 1 guy ( ex Hub) we go patent nicely. Both my kids get almost all A’s and I own my home. I make a decent income, have an 800+ credit score.

 

This woman is a mes but not all single moms are. I don’t blame you for being put off a little.

 

The sooner you end this the better

[Purrrfect]

The below story was in the movie “ The crying game”. It’s fiction, will never actually happen, and not a reality, kind of like your relationship with this woman.

 

 

Today she gave me a lot of crap. Sometimes I wonder if I could make it work if I did things differently. But I reckon it would probably not matter. People just do what they do.

 

I remember a story from my childhood. There was a scorpion that wanted to swim accross the river. The scorpion asked a frog to carry him accross. The frog gets scared and says "I am not sure I would be doing this. What if you bite me?" The scorpion says: "It is impossible. Why would I bite you? If I do that, both of us will drown". The frog says: "Oh ok, makes sense". The frog carries the scorpion about half way accross and the scorpion bites the frog. The frog asks in despair: "Why the hell did you do that? Both of us will die now". The scorpion answers: "I know. I am sorry. It is my nature"..

 

I felt a very strong urge to tell her to f... off this evening. But I did not. Not because I want to stick around. I have already decided to let her go. But I have decided to play it on my own terms. I am almost certain I will catch her cheating and I have a plan. I want to embarass her and call her with the right name and only after that tell her good bye.

[PecanBear]

Apparently booze is her truth serum. And as a single mom myself her behavior /interaction with her son is kinda creepy. She has to ask him for privacy?! As a mom to boys myself I'm their parent first and friend second. Continuing with this sounds like more trouble than its worth.