Cali1978 Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 Hi all, I had a second date with a very nice man last night. However I wasn’t really feeling it at the time or today. The first date went well and I fancied him which makes a change! But last night the conversation didn’t really go beyond our day before we had to go to the show we had booked. He also has a habit of saying hah a lot. It got annoying. He’s very nice and decent but I felt really disappointed about how last night went. I’m getting so disheartened with dating. I don’t have a lot of experience due to self esteem issues when I was younger. I’m worried that I am self sabotaging. Or is it a case of just not meeting the right person? I feel I can meet and have a chat with someone who I’m not dating so I’m not incapable of conversation. Maybe I just haven’t met anyone who I click with even though I go on a couple of dates to make sure I’m not self sabotaging. I don’t really know what advice I’m looking for.... I’m just worried I don’t know, maybe trust my own mind
smackie9 Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 Don't sweat it, you haven't met the right one. 1
PRW Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 I don't normally recommend a book written to men for a woman to read,...but get Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man" and then start looking for a guy that is the type of guy the book is trying to teach men to be. Just don't start doing the things the book tells the guys to do,...the roles are specific to the gender,...don't flip the roles.
kendahke Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 Hi all, I had a second date with a very nice man last night. However I wasn’t really feeling it at the time or today. The first date went well and I fancied him which makes a change! But last night the conversation didn’t really go beyond our day before we had to go to the show we had booked. He also has a habit of saying hah a lot. It got annoying. He’s very nice and decent but I felt really disappointed about how last night went. I’m getting so disheartened with dating. I don’t have a lot of experience due to self esteem issues when I was younger. I’m worried that I am self sabotaging. Or is it a case of just not meeting the right person? I feel I can meet and have a chat with someone who I’m not dating so I’m not incapable of conversation. Maybe I just haven’t met anyone who I click with even though I go on a couple of dates to make sure I’m not self sabotaging. I don’t really know what advice I’m looking for.... I’m just worried I don’t know, maybe trust my own mind You've mentioned "self sabotage" twice. What things do you do to sabotage relationships and why do you do it? I'm curious as to what unexpressed expectations you brought with you to this second date that you wanted him to meet without having told him? Expectations, especially the unexpressed variety, are future resentments under construction. Don't let them get in the way of connecting with someone. What is your motivation for going out with someone? Is it to find your husband or to find connection with someone? Is your biological clock ticking loudly and any relationship that leads to marriage/children will suffice or are you into meeting and getting to know who the man really is? What is "the right person" for you? From what I've gleaned from above, it sounds more like this guy was probably really nervous because you got to the second date level and that's a feat these days with dating. He was probably picking up on your rapidly waxing disinterest. Once you figure out why you're out here dating, your path towards what you want will get clearer.
alphamale Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 you'll find your man when you actively stop looking
Lotsgoingon Posted October 27, 2018 Posted October 27, 2018 Often a disconnect with someone becomes clear only after a second meeting or a third or fourth meeting. There's nothing strange about that. Self-sabotage would be you pretending all is well and like falling in love with this guy ... You could give him another chance, but honestly, things are likely to be the same as the second date. Pretty much always assume that if you're not feeling really good with someone and feeling really good about someone--and having a fantastic time with them (not just a good time, but a fantastic time!) then the person isn't for you. Sabotage occurs more when people fake it and force themselves to keep going with someone. That's self-sabotage because you are disconnecting from clear signs of a disconnect and you're ignoring your feelings. Side note: just by the way you write this post, I can tell that you are hesitant to be critical. That's fine. But ... here's what you want to know. Given that you're hesitant to be critical of this guy and given that you're feeling uncomfortable saying the second date was totally boring ... then if you have a flat feeling about that second date, TRUST THAT!!!!!!
Author Cali1978 Posted October 27, 2018 Author Posted October 27, 2018 Thank you lotsgoingon-very. Insightful and helpful post. You’re right that I nearly feel bad when I don’t enjoy the dates...I guess I just feel bad when the guys aren’t into it and I’m not. I’m also getting disheartened as I recently turned 40 and I’m convinced my chances of meeting anyone “normal” are so reduced. Guys don’t necessarily want to be with women who may not be able to give them children. Or they can pick up a 30 year old just as easy so why wouldn’t they??
Author Cali1978 Posted October 27, 2018 Author Posted October 27, 2018 You've mentioned "self sabotage" twice. What things do you do to sabotage relationships and why do you do it? I'm curious as to what unexpressed expectations you brought with you to this second date that you wanted him to meet without having told him? Expectations, especially the unexpressed variety, are future resentments under construction. Don't let them get in the way of connecting with someone. What is your motivation for going out with someone? Is it to find your husband or to find connection with someone? Is your biological clock ticking loudly and any relationship that leads to marriage/children will suffice or are you into meeting and getting to know who the man really is? What is "the right person" for you? From what I've gleaned from above, it sounds more like this guy was probably really nervous because you got to the second date level and that's a feat these days with dating. He was probably picking up on your rapidly waxing disinterest. Once you figure out why you're out here dating, your path towards what you want will get clearer. I was an avoidant type when it came to relationships all my life. So when I started taking dating seriously in the last few years it was hard to let that go. Poor self esteem due to a lack of relationships and worry over the fact I didn’t have a lot of sexual experience leads me to think maybe I am pushing people away. But in saying that I feel I’m ready for the right person-I’m just not meeting anyone who’s floating my boat. Maybe you’re right about expectations but I think the only one I really have is that we can chat about loads ina fun way and that he’s curious about me and what’s going on in the world. I’m not in a rush to have children-I’m not sure they’re for me at all. I just want someone to watch tv with, be nice to me and share the bills! And I know I would be a good girlfriend too.
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