Do I tell my best friend I love him?

[stellyb]

Hi LS, first post!

 

Long story short, I'm in love with my best friend. He and I have always been good pals, nothing physical has ever happened between us. The respect and 'friendship' foundation is there which is what I believe is the best way to start a relationship. We are both single. I have been holding these feelings for him back for about 6 months now and it's starting to weigh on me emotionally.

He has been flirting frequently, which apart from confusing me (since we're friends) its made it so much harder to deal with the feelings I have. He'll joke about us getting married and having kids, he 'jokingly' suggested he be my +1 to an engagement party I have coming up soon, etc.

 

I'm in a dilemma and currently fighting with my head and my heart.

My heart is telling me to send him a message this week so we can catch up and I confess the feelings to him face to face. My head is telling me to be cautious because there's a risk of changing the friendship if I do - especially if it isn't the right time.

 

Even though I love him, I'd almost convinced myself that having him in my life even as a friend was worth holding the feelings back. Because not having him in my life would hurt even more.

 

He doesn't tell me about other girls anymore, but I do see interactions via social media that I just have to endure watching if I don't confess feelings. I'm not sure if he's talking to any girls - as his close friend who he shares a lot with I should know but I don't. A lot of girls seem to like him anyhow.

 

What should I do? Put it all on the line? Is it worth the risk of potentially sacrificing our friendship?

Edited October 26, 2018 by stellyb
more detail

[Lotsgoingon]

This seems like a huge dilemma.

 

Actually it's not ... because the fact that he's flirting and the fact that you have feelings means the friendship has already changed.

 

In other words, you have "lost" the old friendship ... Pretending to be someone's friend (with no interest) is not the same as really being someone's friend.

 

Faking and denying and sticking your head in the sand (pretending you don't have feelings and ignoring his flirting) ... is not a good prescription for closeness and friendship.

 

Here's a friend ... a friend ... I'm not jealous when they date and marry someone else. Are you there?

 

Translation: quit hiding and making excuses and go for it with this guy!

 

You will never regret going for it ... You will later regret hiding.

[PRW]

What age group is this? When someone wonders "if he is talking to other girls",...I have to ask to have a frame of reference.

 

friends) its made it so much harder to deal with the feelings I have. He'll joke about us getting married and having kids,

 

Then tell him, "Unless you get the guts to at least kiss me first that is going to have a tough time happening".

 

he 'jokingly' suggested he be my +1 to an engagement party I have coming up soon, etc.

He "jokingly suggested" because he doesn't have the guts to actually ask you to. Tell him, "Well if you get the guts to actually ask me to go with you, then I might."

 

He doesn't tell me about other girls anymore, but I do see interactions via social media that I just have to endure watching if I don't confess feelings. I'm not sure if he's talking to any girls

This is why I asked what age group we are dealing with. Adults don't worry about this. We are smart enough to know that everyone is talking to everyone.

 

What should I do? Put it all on the line? Is it worth the risk of potentially sacrificing our friendship?

What should you do? Make up your mind what you want and then do it.

[PRW]

You don't go saying "I love you" like in some movie. That will make any guy uncomfortable when they aren't even "technically" in a real relationship with you.

 

You just start dating and acting like a couple. You "I love you's" will come later when the situation evolves into that.

[smackie9]

Why not hint at hint to start taking you out on dates...I'm sure you can be creative enough to get the message across. More flirting, more touching, more one on one. It will happen.

[kendahke]

He has been flirting frequently, which apart from confusing me (since we're friends) its made it so much harder to deal with the feelings I have. He'll joke about us getting married and having kids, he 'jokingly' suggested he be my +1 to an engagement party I have coming up soon, etc.

 

Have you formally invited him to be your +1 at this party? If not, since he's being all Flirty McJokey about it, I would bring this up to his face and say "You want to go with me to this? Well, I consider my +1 to be my boyfriend." Observe his reaction--you'll know everything you need to know.

 

Even though I love him, I'd almost convinced myself that having him in my life even as a friend was worth holding the feelings back. Because not having him in my life would hurt even more.

 

He doesn't tell me about other girls anymore, but I do see interactions via social media that I just have to endure watching if I don't confess feelings. I'm not sure if he's talking to any girls - as his close friend who he shares a lot with I should know but I don't. A lot of girls seem to like him anyhow.

 

What should I do? Put it all on the line? Is it worth the risk of potentially sacrificing our friendship?

 

You need to figure out how long you can hold your peace, stomach his increasing interactions with other women while staying quiet. Are you made of that kind of mettle? Would you be able to stand it if he finds someone who has an insane problem with your friendship with him and he cuts if off to keep her happy? Would he go as far as to sacrifice your relationship to keep someone else happy?

 

I'd tell him how I felt and gauge his reaction. The issue for you is that you've developed romantic feelings for a platonic friend and getting those feelings back to strictly platonic while still in his presence, seeing him on a regular basis, is going to be a long, hard road. It'd be easier not seeing him and getting over them, but that's most likely not going to happen here, so you have a choice to make. You could wind up either way without his friendship---I'd make the reason because I let him know how I felt about him rather than it be him coming to me with "my new girlfriend is really insecure and has a problem with our friendship, so I'm cutting back on seeing you so she's not hurt".

[preraph]

I don't know why he can date other women but he can't seem to have enough nerve to make a move on you. You better hope he's not just kidding with the marriage talk because he enjoys seeing if you think he's all that for his ego.

 

I think you should call him out every time he flirts with you with things like, When are you going to put some of those words into actions? I mean, he's had ample time to just kiss you. So what's wrong with him? Is he scared and fearful and just not very confident, or is he just not really into you that way but enjoys the ego boost of having an adoring fan? I wouldn't confess your feelings because don't they at least hinge a little on if he is man enough to make a move on you? Or if you don't mind having to make all the moves, why don't you just kiss him? If he's fearful, that's what he's hoping for because he's too cowardly to stick his own neck out and get rejected. But you better be okay with it going forward, because once you're the aggressor, it's not going to be just a one-time thing.

[stellyb]

What age group is this? When someone wonders "if he is talking to other girls",...I have to ask to have a frame of reference.

 

 

 

Then tell him, "Unless you get the guts to at least kiss me first that is going to have a tough time happening".

 

He "jokingly suggested" because he doesn't have the guts to actually ask you to. Tell him, "Well if you get the guts to actually ask me to go with you, then I might."

 

This is why I asked what age group we are dealing with. Adults don't worry about this. We are smart enough to know that everyone is talking to everyone.

 

What should you do? Make up your mind what you want and then do it.

 

We’re in our mid 20’s. Single people of all ages talk to other people, therefore it’s a valid consideration when putting everything on the line and telling someone how you feel. Doing that doesn’t make someone a 12 year old.

[stellyb]

This seems like a huge dilemma.

 

Actually it's not ... because the fact that he's flirting and the fact that you have feelings means the friendship has already changed.

 

In other words, you have "lost" the old friendship ... Pretending to be someone's friend (with no interest) is not the same as really being someone's friend.

 

Faking and denying and sticking your head in the sand (pretending you don't have feelings and ignoring his flirting) ... is not a good prescription for closeness and friendship.

 

Here's a friend ... a friend ... I'm not jealous when they date and marry someone else. Are you there?

 

Translation: quit hiding and making excuses and go for it with this guy!

 

You will never regret going for it ... You will later regret hiding.

 

I agree with you. I had the same thoughts the other day about picturing a scenario where he introduces me to a new girlfriend on the provision I never told him how I felt, I couldn’t be genuinely happy for him while this is bottled up so that in itself is self explainatory.

I think deep down I’ve always been on board with telling him, it’s just the thought of not having him in my life at all is scary. It’s been the only thing holding me back - I think I just need to let that fear go since it’s inhibiting a lot, mainly my emotional well-being and just let nature take its course.

Edited October 26, 2018 by stellyb
Detail

[PRW]

We’re in our mid 20’s. Single people of all ages talk to other people, therefore it’s a valid consideration when putting everything on the line and telling someone how you feel. Doing that doesn’t make someone a 12 year old.

 

 

Young ones "worry" about it more. They can ruin opportunities by worrying too much about the one they are interested in talking to someone. Yes, some older ones do the same, and they also cause themselves problems in the process of doing so. But generally the older one gets the thicker skin they get and the more secure they feel, so they don't have as much trouble with that. I wanted to know the age group involved so I know the context I am working in better.

[Sarah_Smiles]

Bet he already knows you have romantic feelings about him, if that close how couldn't he see it feel it, who knows maybe he does feel it and by saying that flirty stuff he is testing the water on his part and also trying to get you to come clean. Would it be so awful to sit down and tell him, my feelings have changed for you and I feel more than solely friendship regarding you? and then see what he says or how he reacts, if he knows and feels the same awesome..but if he only feels friendship they you will either have to squash those "other" feelings and just be friends, can you squash the " I love him?" feelings if he doesn't want to date you?

[stellyb]

I don't know why he can date other women but he can't seem to have enough nerve to make a move on you. You better hope he's not just kidding with the marriage talk because he enjoys seeing if you think he's all that for his ego.

 

I think you should call him out every time he flirts with you with things like, When are you going to put some of those words into actions? I mean, he's had ample time to just kiss you. So what's wrong with him? Is he scared and fearful and just not very confident, or is he just not really into you that way but enjoys the ego boost of having an adoring fan? I wouldn't confess your feelings because don't they at least hinge a little on if he is man enough to make a move on you? Or if you don't mind having to make all the moves, why don't you just kiss him? If he's fearful, that's what he's hoping for because he's too cowardly to stick his own neck out and get rejected. But you better be okay with it going forward, because once you're the aggressor, it's not going to be just a one-time thing.

 

Could be, but personally I don’t think it’s an ego thing. He’s more of a shy introverted type so with those kinds of guys they’re not going to be as upfront as other types. We genuinely have a friendship there and it’s not always flirting. As for being the aggressor, it’s not something I’m ok with and certainly won’t make a habit of being. When I tell him how I feel I’m going to subtly say that this is a one off bombshell, if feelings are mutual then I expect him to take the lead at the beginning. This on my end is just to get the ball rolling and relieve myself of this mental burden so my future self has no regrets.

[stellyb]

Bet he already knows you have romantic feelings about him, if that close how couldn't he see it feel it, who knows maybe he does feel it and by saying that flirty stuff he is testing the water on his part and also trying to get you to come clean. Would it be so awful to sit down and tell him, my feelings have changed for you and I feel more than solely friendship regarding you? and then see what he says or how he reacts, if he knows and feels the same awesome..but if he only feels friendship they you will either have to squash those "other" feelings and just be friends, can you squash the " I love him?" feelings if he doesn't want to date you?

 

I really don’t think he knows about how I feel because I keep it coy on that front. Testing the waters is probably what’s going on with him. I can definitely squash the romantic feelings if it turns out he doesn’t feel the same and the flirting was just banter because even though it will sting short term I know later on in life it will not impact me re regrets.

My concern has always mainly been potentially not having him in my life anymore. But after seeing some posts here the thing still worse than that is still being ‘friends’ and seeing him with another person because I gave him no indications.

[stellyb]

Young ones "worry" about it more. They can ruin opportunities by worrying too much about the one they are interested in talking to someone. Yes, some older ones do the same, and they also cause themselves problems in the process of doing so. But generally the older one gets the thicker skin they get and the more secure they feel, so they don't have as much trouble with that. I wanted to know the age group involved so I know the context I am working in better.

 

Fair enough. I just thought the fact he doesn’t talk to me about his love life (or lack thereof, I don’t know) was worth noting in context of our friendship.

[PRW]

Could be, but personally I don’t think it’s an ego thing. He’s more of a shy introverted type so with those kinds of guys they’re not going to be as upfront as other types.

 

True. That is the way I grew up myself. A good portion of my friends back then were women. I probably have a lot in common with him. That is why I suggested you approach by giving him the little friendly tongue in cheek jabs such as "If you ever get the guts to ask me out then we can <blah blah>".

 

It is important that you get him to "do it" himself (by your little prods). So you are kind of taking the initiative but making it seem like he is in the end.

 

Don't hit him with dumping your feelings on him. That is a nuclear weapon,...it will mess things up. The proper place for the "I love you" is after you are in a well established exclusive relationship.

[PRW]

Fair enough. I just thought the fact he doesn’t talk to me about his love life (or lack thereof, I don’t know) was worth noting in context of our friendship.

 

 

You just have to have a different view of the competition,...instead of worrying about them,...you just be better than they are,...be the better choice. One dating coach I know is fond of saying to the guys, "When a guy knows what he is doing, he has no completion" because he can just stand back and watch them crash and burn. But women can follow that concept as well. As long as you are being the best choice, then it is the other person's gain or lost with the choice they make,...it is not on you. See yourself as "a catch".

[No_Go]

Don't do anything. Let him step it up. Otherwise you risk emasculating him and starting a relationship on a sad ground, knowing you had to ask for it...

 

From all you said, he will step it up soon anyway. Just create situations where he can get physical contact with you (even if it is just sitting close by), and be receptive and available. That's all you have to do.

 

Hi LS, first post!

 

Long story short, I'm in love with my best friend. He and I have always been good pals, nothing physical has ever happened between us. The respect and 'friendship' foundation is there which is what I believe is the best way to start a relationship. We are both single. I have been holding these feelings for him back for about 6 months now and it's starting to weigh on me emotionally.

He has been flirting frequently, which apart from confusing me (since we're friends) its made it so much harder to deal with the feelings I have. He'll joke about us getting married and having kids, he 'jokingly' suggested he be my +1 to an engagement party I have coming up soon, etc.

 

I'm in a dilemma and currently fighting with my head and my heart.

My heart is telling me to send him a message this week so we can catch up and I confess the feelings to him face to face. My head is telling me to be cautious because there's a risk of changing the friendship if I do - especially if it isn't the right time.

 

Even though I love him, I'd almost convinced myself that having him in my life even as a friend was worth holding the feelings back. Because not having him in my life would hurt even more.

 

He doesn't tell me about other girls anymore, but I do see interactions via social media that I just have to endure watching if I don't confess feelings. I'm not sure if he's talking to any girls - as his close friend who he shares a lot with I should know but I don't. A lot of girls seem to like him anyhow.

 

What should I do? Put it all on the line? Is it worth the risk of potentially sacrificing our friendship?