Why did he lie so much? Very upset

[Slapsh0t]

It’s been two months since the break up and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I don’t have strong feelings for him anymore, but they’re still there, considering that I’m also lonely and depressed. But those feelings of love and confusion have slowly turned to bitterness and hate. I realized that he just lied to me so much over the course of it and I’m really confused about the relationship and hold a lot of anger towards him for his cowardice and immaturity.

 

We were only together nine months, five officially. I just don’t understand why he’d get together with me if he knew he didn’t want a relationship in college. I remember him texting his friend when we were just getting to know each other, saying “he didn’t want a girlfriend in college”. But then he tells me he just “wants a girlfriend” and then a couple months later he asked me. He was telling me about how he wanted to be in my future and junk like that. But months into the relationship, he was pulling away and even told me I “deserved someone closer” and we should just “go with the flow”, coincidentally a month before he went to college for his freshman year. But, to add to my confusion, he also says he’s “all for” a long distance relationship and seemed enthusiastic about making plans over vacations. He broke up with me two weeks into his freshman week.

 

So understandably I’m confused and feel very used. His breakup was filled with the typical lies and excuses- telling me this relationship was unhealthy, that we’ve been “drifting apart” (only because he texted me less and less), that I "deserve better" and that its toxic. Rather than just upfront saying he didn’t love my anymore, had no interest and wanted to be single, like he originally texted his friend in the beginning. I was a wreck and couldn’t wring the truth from him during the breakup call, but I’m assuming that’s closer to the truth than the bull**** he spewed at me over the phone from what I've read up about "break up excuses".

 

I’m just wondering why the hell he’d lie to me like that. I feel like this relationship was just one big sham, a way to spend his time and have some companionship in his lonely life before he went off to college. I don’t think he realizes what he did, and that’s what makes me even angrier. I’m upset that I wasted time, money (so much damn money to see him long distance) and opportunities with other (and admittedly hotter) men over the summer all because he lied to me and led me to believe this would be more. I'm upset that I was blind to this and sent him the nicest goodbye message, when all he deserved was a slap in the face. I'm upset that this relationship was my first and meant so much to me and it wasn't even real. I opened my heart to him and it was all a lie. Does this sound irrational? Why the hell would he say all these lies and get himself into a committed relationship only to break it off in the end without directly telling me anything? Should I send him a message, as I want my damn money back and I want him to know what a terrible person he is?

Edited October 26, 2018 by Slapsh0t

[loststarsx]

I think we all go through the phase where we question everything and realize that we had a skewed view of what the relationship truly was. This guy sounds emotionally unavailable and maybe you have an attachment injury. It's funny how you can give other people advice, but when it comes to your own situation, you are paralyzed. At least that happens to me. Anyways, you have to pay attention to actions. I know it hurts, but at this point, you have to move on for your own well being. You deserve better. You have to distract yourself, grow, and find your own happiness. He showed you and told you where he stands. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Slapsh0t]

I think we all go through the phase where we question everything and realize that we had a skewed view of what the relationship truly was. This guy sounds emotionally unavailable and maybe you have an attachment injury. It's funny how you can give other people advice, but when it comes to your own situation, you are paralyzed. At least that happens to me. Anyways, you have to pay attention to actions. I know it hurts, but at this point, you have to move on for your own well being. You deserve better. You have to distract yourself, grow, and find your own happiness. He showed you and told you where he stands. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

Now that I think about it he was emotionally unavailable to some extent. That explains a lot of things. And yes I have a pretty bad anxious attachment style that I am working on. I guess I'm just trying to see if the reason he left me was because of me, as I have pretty bad self esteem. The relationship gave me a lot of anxiety just because he wasn't upfront with his feelings. I deserve so much better than him. But I really can't stop thinking about the relationship, analyzing it. It was special to me, and I hate that it's tainted like this and really do despise him for ruining my first "official" relationship.

[manifestsunshine]

I can really empathize with you and relate to your anger and frustrations. You are in a lot of pain right now and venting is a good way to make sense of things. I'm going through something very similar...overanalyzing everything as well. I was also used but in the form of revenge. Very emotionally unavailable. He just didn't give a damn.

 

It sounds like your ex was stringing you along. He was filling the void of feeling lonely and if you’re giving more than you’re getting, and it’s all one-sided- then that's a big red flag.

 

He either has little regard for your feelings or none at all because he's probably not thinking about how you feel.

 

Our exes are similar in that they get you to trust them enough by toying with your emotions and expending you as if you were nothing.

 

I'm also struggling to move on but know the best revenge is silence and no contact. You have to give yourself enough time to heal. You deserve much better and there will be someone out there that will love you, respect you and want to be with you.

 

It's OK to feel all the emotions bc it's not good to hold it in. It will help you recover. The best thing is to focus on improving yourself. If you think therapy will help- go for it. I am planning to even go to a batting cage to expend some of my anger. Just have to let it out.. to let it go.

 

You will be alright

Edited October 26, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he necessarily lied about the whole relationship, but he is very young and naturally more fickle. He does what feels right in the moment, so what felt good last month no longer feels good this month. People can and do change their minds but it does mean they never felt something genuine, OP. Just because you don't accept the reasons he outlined does not mean they are not true for him.

 

He might have also initially wanted something more committed but realized as time went on that he just didn't feel that strongly about you. That is what dating is about - we get to know someone more, assess our feelings, and we exit stage left when we know our hearts are not in it. He wasn't the right boy for you, and really, he did the right thing breaking up with you rather than forcing something that he just didn't feel anymore.

 

I don't think convincing yourself that the whole relationship was a sham is productive or even very accurate. It hurts a lot, I know. I sympathize. Your anger is palpable. But telling him off or demanding your money back won't ultimately help you heal.

[d0nnivain]

Your relationship was real & he didn't lie to you, at least not in a mean way.

 

He probably wanted to be single in college but then met you, liked you & thought he'd give having a relationship a try. Especially because there was distance, you not being on the same campus, he came to realize sustaining a relationship is tough. As part of college the allure of being single & fancy free won out. he had no idea until he got there how much of a change college would be. The girl back home just couldn't compare.

 

All that stuff he spouted at you as part of the break up was an attempt to soften the blow. It reads like he is a nice guy who didn't want to be the source of your pain, even though by breaking up with you he is.

 

Think of this as a fresh start for you too.

[stillafool]

And, people lie sometimes because the truth would hurt you and they want to break up as smoothly as possible because they feel guilty for wasting your time.