My break ended in a breakup

[Taby]

I just recently asked my live in boyfriend for a break, and he gave me a breakup. Here's the whole story of us: (He is 32 yrs old and I am 27 yrs old)

We started going out 3 yrs ago and moved in together within the first month. I still kept the lease on my appartment, just in case. I got pregnant within the first 4 mths of being together and had an abortion. (I was on birth control) That put an enormeous amount of stress on our relationship. I didn't want to have an abortion. I love children, and I want to have children of my own one day... But at the same time, I wasn't sure if we were ready to start a family together. He certainly was not ready and told me so various times... He loved me, but children weren't for him just now... There was still lots he wanted to do before he had kids, he had said... This was the worst month of my life. I was so edgy, partly due to my pregancy hormone, and also because I knew I had to make a decision... A decision that would change the rest of my life regardless of what I chose... In the end I gave in to our love... and had the abortion. The very same day of the abortion, my girl friend was driving me home and I called him from my cell phone to tell him everything went fine and I was coming home. He proceeds to tell me that since the pregnancy I'd been acting very different and he didn't want to deal with that anymore, and he'd moved me out of his place into my old appartment. My heart stopped. Here I am coming out of the abortion, that I did for him, for our love, and he's breaking up with me. I would never wish on anyone the feeling I had at the very moment. What I did next I would regret up to this day. Over the next few days, I pleaded, begged for him to take me back and promised him that things would be different now because I was no longer pregnant, and that I would'nt be so edgy anymore, and I'd be the girl he fell in love with.. Finally after 1 week of persuation, he took me back... It wasn't until later, when the feelings of being rejected and being abandonned, that I realised what he had done to me after the abortion was the most selfish thing I have ever known another person to do. About a year into our relationship, he lost his job, and took a 50% pay cut with taking his next job. Things started to go downhill from there I think. He started to change lots... He stopped seing his friends, stopped calling them even.. He wouldn't go out on his own anymore... Basicaly, he would do nothing unless I asked him to. That goes down to making dinner or doing the daily cleaning. Our sex life was pretty much non existant. Our life started being this mundane routine. Everyday we'd do the same thing. Everyday for the next 2 years!!! We didnt' do anything seperate anymore, we were always, always together... and at first I kept trying to make things better. I'd try and talk to him and have us do activities together, or seperate... There were so many things he wasn't doing in the relationship... I constantly had the feeling like he was just "THERE" waiting for things to happen.. If I didn't initiate anything, nothing would ever happen... In a way, I took over the relationship. What other choice did I have? I loved him and wanted us to be together. I wanted things to be the same way as when we first fell in love... After 1 year and half, I gave up... My needs weren't being fullfilled, I felt like I was with a Ken Barbie Doll. Very pretty on the outside, but empty inside... I thought again if I stopped doing everything and reeling him in all the time, that maybe he'd take over and start being an active partner in this relationship... I guess I was wrong... The next 6 mths were not as I expected... We just started fighting more because he noticed how I didn't care anymore, and how I didn't pay any attention to him... which brings us to today... As you can imagine, our relationship started on the rocky side of things... No matter what happened over the next 2 and half years, I always liked to beleive that our love brought us here, or so I thought... Because I still love him, and I beleived that he still loved me... I suggested that we take a break. We have 2 bedrooms in the appartment, so I thought it would be a good idea... He would get to go out by himself more often, and we'd try and regain our friendship... We'd learn not to take each other for granted.... I had so many hopes... I wanted things to be like before... He didn't take well to this whole break thing, and told me he wanted to break up... He said we'd both tried so often over the last 3 years and this "break" isn't going to make any diffence... That was on Tuesday (we're now Saturday). He doesn't speak to me, and when he does, the expression on his face and the way he speaks to me honestly makes me feel like he totally hates me. I have never had anyone spoke to me this way in my life. I can't explain to you any better then to say he makes me feel like I am a bug he wants to crush. He hates me. The worst is, right now I need him more then I ever did in the past... just like he left me when I had the abortion, he's left me now when I've been diagnosed with a serious medical problem... I had a procedure to have done on Thursday in relations to it, and he offered no support.. You see right now, I can accept that he wants to end our relationship. I think it's really fair to say that we've both done our share of trying to make it work... Throwing in the towel is not what is hurting me.. But the fact that he knows how much this medical thing is worrrying me, and he's not there. Fine I can understand that the relationship didn't work, but we still spent 3 years of our life together. 3 years!! How can he not care about me as a person? I still have feelings... Am I being selfish that I'd expect him to be here for me? We are still living together until he has enough money to leave.... so I ask him in the mean time to try and be nice with me at least... I have never ever been spoken to the way he speaks to me now... My girl friend tells me to ignore him, and he'll come around.... YOu know, if he was to come around, I'm not even sure I'd want to try and make things work again... When he first left me after the abortion, I didn't realise how much it spoke for his personality... Often during our relationship he would do things that were so selfish.. It's like sometimes he would only think of himself, and scr*w the world and every body in it. He's giving me the same feeling right now.... He can't look past our relationship and be there for me as a person.... Am I wrong??? Please someone make sense of this for me. I am so confused.

[Maria46]

He moved you out after an abortion that he wanted you to have?? And now a medical condition that he isn't concerned about?? What kind of man is he?

 

I have some questions for you... Do you enjoy being in that type of relationship? Do you think he treats you like he would like to be treated?

 

IMO, you would be much better off without him. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

 

You are right about his selfish behavior. Sounds like he is trying to make you feel guilty for even suggesting the break. He needs to make an effort to make the relationship work as well as you. A relationship is not one sided.

 

I know you have been together three years and change is hard, but you deserve to be happy and he is certainly showing that he doesn't believe you should be.

 

Think about yourself first. Be happy. And if you aren't happy with him....then make a decision about your life.

 

Remember...you are a very important person and have many friends who love you. Love yourself as well!!

 

Best of luck

[Taby]

In answer to Maria46's questions:

" Do you enjoy being in that type of relationship? Do you think he treats you like he would like to be treated?"

 

First thank you for reading my post. I know it was very long... In response to your question... No, I don't enjoy being in a relationship like this, but at the same time I feel I've invested so much time and efforts that I feel I cannot give up now...

The thing is that for the last 6 mths I had given up trying to make things better. I had tried for so long and things hadn't changed.... When I asked for a break, it was easy for him to blame me for how the relationship turned sour. But he seems to forget how long I tried to make things work, and that I didn't give up on him! He tells me today that he tried over the last 6 mths... My answer to him was that he tried to put up with me and my behavior... But he didn't try to make the relationship better. I guess I have to come to the realisation that this will never work... I asked him tonight why he is acting this way, and he answered to me because this will never work... It might work for the next week or month, but eventually it will not work. I feel he is so negative. Rightfully so I guess after trying for so long... But still I can't shake off the feeling that he really did not try other then trying to put with me over the last 6 mths.... Also, I am thinking maybe he is treating me this way right now because he is trying to cope with the break up... Maybe he is invisible to my feelings because he is hurting too?

[RecordProducer]

It doesn't sound to me like he is going to come around and I don't think you need him in your life. It's time for you to move on and find the right person and start a family (because that's what you want).

 

He acts like an a**h*** because he decided to break up with you. My ex-husband did the same thing to me. He left me with two small children and because of his guilt (or excuses or whatever) he acted like an ass overall. I was thinking 'okay if you don't love me, but be there for me, we have two kids together.' He didn't help me and my mom when we moved into another apartment (he only took the kids), although my mom was pushed by a car a month earlier. When we would need a ride to take the kids to the doctor (if they are sick), he'd say "Take a taxi!" I had a feeling that he would let me bleed in the street and not take me to the emergency, maybe just call a cab for me (if I am missing both arms).

 

Don't be hurt by his actions, you don't deserve it. And he doesn't deserve your attention! If people who were close to us until a minute ago leave us "alone in the rain" then they were never close to us. He did a favor to you - now you know who he is. You don't need his crumbs. There are so many nice guys out there. And he is not one of them.

 

If he acts like he hates you, kick him out or leave. Why would you be compassionate to someone who is not compassionate to you and wait for him to have more money? He can find a room mate or whatever; it shouldn't be your problem given the circumstances. Just tell him to leave now and you'll see that he will start crawling like that very bug he wants to crash.