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Dating for three years and unsure if he's "the one"

geangean887

By geangean887
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geangean887 New Member

geangean887

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I am 28 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for three years. The first 1.5 years of our relationship were flawless and we decided to move in together. The last year has been difficult. He is one of the greatest people that I have ever met and I love him so much but I keep getting so upset with him and question our relationship.

 

When I think about marrying him, I am very excited about that idea at times and at other times I panic and worry that I'm not with "the right" person. He immigrated to the US when he was 18 and we have cultural differences, where I grew up in a small suburb and have always been surrounded by people just like me. Many of the issues that I have are very shallow and what many would think are "not important" but they are triggers that set me off into panic mode. For example, I wish he took better care of his personal hygiene and sense of style while this is something that I value.

 

I feel that we are on different pages socially (I have an extremely large social life and he is content without too much social interaction) and worry that his true passions reside in his home country, not America. I worry about some of the family obligations and financial goals that has to his family. Our sex life is content but I have a much stronger drive than he does. At the same time, I don't think I'll ever find someone that is as loving, genuine, trusting, and compatible with me.

 

I can't seem to get myself out of this cycle of confusion where I am happy but then I panic every now and then and worry over these minor things which leads to me worrying if we are right for each other. We tried a break this summer but I was devastated and convinced myself that he was right for me and I had to look past these issues but months later I fell back into the same cycle.

 

I will be moving for a job in the next year and he is willing to move with me but I feel that before this move I have to be certain that he is the one for me if he joins me.

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Simple Logic Established Member

Simple Logic

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Why am I reading this as we been together 3 years, you are 28, the biological clock is ticking and you are about to make a mistake instead of taking the relocation to cut him loose.

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geangean887 New Member

geangean887

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Why am I reading this as we been together 3 years, you are 28, the biological clock is ticking and you are about to make a mistake instead of taking the relocation to cut him loose.

why do you say a mistake?

TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted (edited)
I am 28 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for three years. The first 1.5 years of our relationship were flawless and we decided to move in together. The last year has been difficult. <SNIP>

 

 

You should see about couples therapy, or marriage counseling. I don't think any of us can give you a straight answer because you seem half uncertain yourself.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)

Welcome.

 

While there is "perfect" partner of guarantee in marriage or in life... What you are describing are some incompatibilities related to some pretty important things in a marriage - cultural differences, family values, financial compatability, sexual compatability, concerns related to personal hygiene, and compatability related to lifestyle (ie. you are more of an extrovert, while he is clearly an introvert).

 

Put it that way, and your incompatibility looks significant. It's up to you decide how significant - how much do these things matter to you and how much do you differ related to each thing. I would think that pre-marital counselling is a wise decision, if you plan to marry. You can at least talk about these things and come to some agreement before you make the big decision.

 

Good luck.

 

Edited to add: Don't ignore that little voice of doubt. Your intuition is speaking to you, telling you that there is reason to be concerned. Get some counselling to make a good decision. But, don't ignore your intuition.

Edited by BaileyB
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snowboy91 Established Member

snowboy91

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I totally get that kind of indecision OP. I know it feels like the issues you have are unimportant and minor, but given they are impacting on how you feel about him and the relationship, they are a much bigger deal than you may first think (especially when they occur together).

 

As good as he is to you, it doesn't help the fact that you enjoy different things in life. You seem extroverted, you keep yourself looking neat, you have a high sex drive. He doesn't, seems introverted, and from what I can tell in your post, family is very important to him and he feels he has a lot of obligations to them. That's fine for each of you, but it doesn't align all that well for the relationship.

 

Ultimately this is up to you, but consider that you've been feeling unsure for some time and even tried having a break. You are going to continue feeling the same way unless something changes. Whether that change is a shift in the relationship or a breakup is up to you.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
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You appear to be trying to downplay huge issues in this relationship that will impact on your future life and marriage going forward.

The panic is your gut telling you something isn't right here.

 

What you are describing are some incompatibilities related to some pretty important things in a marriage - cultural differences, family values, financial compatability, sexual compatability, concerns related to personal hygiene, and compatability related to lifestyle (ie. you are more of an extrovert, while he is clearly an introvert).

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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Your concerns are definitely not minor or shallow.

 

Who told you hygiene was minor?

 

I can't imagine dating someone with poor hygiene--and I'm not a hygiene not by any stretch of the imagination. I also can't imagine dating someone and showing up with poor hygiene.

 

How is that minor?

 

A marriage partner--heck a dating partner--has to be someone you WANT to be around ... and you feel great being around ... not someone you have to say "he's a good person and so I should want to be around him"

 

Lots of loving and kind people are not compatible for marriage. And his family stuff, God that only gets to be a BIGGER problem in marriage.

 

Sounds like you are scared to be alone ... and that fear ... that there's no one out there in the universe of 7 billion people who could possibly be kind and love you ... that seems to be the issue ...

 

If you can work on your own confidence and self-security ... you can let this guy go ... tears and all ... but OMG, NEVER even think of marrying someone whose hygiene you don't respect. That's like marrying someone you think is unattractive, which is totally self-destructive.

 

Key point: the hygiene issue will come out ... even if you try to fake it. Human beings have a limited ability to overlook certain things ... and so he will bear the brunt of your unhappiness if you stay with him ... You won't be able to suppress.

 

Now let go that fear of being alone for a while and you're good to go.

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