Did he knowingly give me a STD?

[Gaeta]

I recall him telling me to kiss more gently even tho I was not rough, I'm assuming his lips must have been extra sensitive due to lesions (recall: family doctor said it was indeed HSV and it transmitted through lesions either on my partner's mouth or penis.)

 

 

When I learn I had hsv-2 I asked my bf at the time to go get tested I thought I had gotten it from him. He turned out to be negative. I was puzzled because before him I didn't have sex for years. I told my doctor and he told me to not even try to figure it out! I could have contracted this 20 years ago. You could have had this years before today and for some reasons like change of seasons, more tired then usual, stress at work, it decided to pop out today.

[Tristian]

We've gotten a bit far from the topic here so I'm going to clean things up and return this thread to the OP.

 

 

Those wishing to discuss STDs and the statistics that go with them are more then welcome to do so in an appropriate thread. If you can't find one, you are welcome to start one of your own. No Charge!

[guest569]

Whether or not this guy was aware will probably always be unknown but I think it's up to us as individuals to take care of our own sexual health and not go around infecting others and saying "oh well, everyone has it". They don't. But they will if you keep this dismissive attitude. If the guy had a checkup prior to dating OP, he would have known, right?

 

It's not fair to blame OP at all. However it highlights the need to be extra careful and that even a kiss or oral sex can be risky regardless of whether the person has lesions or not.

[lana-banana]

If the guy had a checkup prior to dating OP, he would have known, right?

 

No. HSV is not included in most STD workups unless you ask for it. If he was mostly asymptomatic or didn't have any outbreaks, he probably wouldn't have known. HSV1 in particular is not included in many STD tests because it's not consideted an STD. It's only in the past two decades or so that it's been a part of some STD screenings because oral sex was not that common in the general (i.e. not sex workers) population.

 

Nobody is saying it's dumb to be upset; the OP has every right, but it's very possible to have HSV and have no idea you're carrying it. That's also true of the HPV which causes cervical cancer (men have no symptoms and there are no standard tests for men, so they spread it without ever realizing they have it----that is why HPV can be so dangerous).

 

OP, it sounds like he wasn't really mature in general and you are much better off without him. In the meantime, be consistent about having the STD talk before getting sexual with a partner and make sure you get tested regularly. Two to six weeks after each new partner is fine, or if it's a relationship situation, get tested at six weeks, three or six months.

Edited October 26, 2018 by lana-banana

[BaileyB]

No. HSV is not included in most STD workups unless you ask for it. If he was mostly asymptomatic or didn't have any outbreaks, he probably wouldn't have known. HSV1 in particular is not included in many STD tests because it's not consideted an STD. It's only in the past two decades or so that it's been a part of some STD screenings because oral sex was not that common in the general population.

 

OP, be consistent about having the STD talk before getting sexual with a partner and make sure you get tested regularly.

 

And use a condom.

 

The other reason why HSV is not included in STD workups is because... it is so common. Most doctors will probably able to make the diagnosis based on symptoms and treat the symptoms, without doing the blood test. There are over the counter products and antivirals that can be prescribed by the doctor. They probably do it every day.

[No_Go]

OP got an untreatable infection, albeit 'common' and 'not serious'. But I'm cringing thinking what else she or others may have received from him . "Only" 4 partners per year suggest he was sleeping around with a new person every 10 weeks . No testing will detect all the dormant diseases he has contracted or spread over such short periods of time.

 

Bottom line - promiscuity is fun, consequences are not. Choice is all ours

 

And use a condom.

 

The other reason why HSV is not included in STD workups is because... it is so common. Most doctors will probably able to make the diagnosis based on symptoms and treat the symptoms, without doing the blood test. There are over the counter products and antivirals that can be prescribed by the doctor. They probably do it every day.

Edited October 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

OP got an untreatable infection, albeit 'common' and 'not serious'. But I'm cringing thinking what else she or others may have received from him . "Only" 4 partners per year suggest he was sleeping around with a new person every 10 weeks . No testing will detect all the dormant diseases he has contracted or spread over such short periods of time.

 

Bottom line - promiscuity is fun, consequences are not. Choice is all ours

 

Yeah, as much as I have been saying that HSV1 is "common" and "not serious," I would not be having sex with this guy. I don't have unprotected sex, or protected sex for that matter, with men who go from one sexual partner to another in such a short period of time. This is risky behavior, to be sure.

[grays]

So, OP, are you planning to tell every person you want to kiss that you have herpes?

[GoreSP]

Good point grays

Edited October 27, 2018 by GoreSP

[Kelliousme]

So, OP, are you planning to tell every person you want to kiss that you have herpes?

 

This.

 

OP you have to understand that A LOT of people have HSV1 and even HSV2. It's weird to just say "Hey.. I have herpes.." to every potential partner. I understand why you're freaked out if you've never been exposed to the virus and it's your first time getting cold sores. But honestly, I think you overreacted and you shouldn't be blaming him because he might actually not know that he has HSV1 or he didn't think it'd cause you to get cold sores.

 

FYI, there are many people who has HSV1 but will never get cold sores. Meaning even if you date someone who never gets cold sores.. he can still give you HSV1. And if you have HSV1.. and you're more prone to cold sores.. then you'd get them. Take some lysine to prevent if that is the case.

[JuneL]

OP:

I hope you come back to respond to our feedback. I think it’s a good idea to accept his offer to talk. Who knows, maybe if you talk calmly, he’ll admit that he has known he’s a carrier all along and you’ll at least have your closure.

[grays]

As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I had a horrible outbreak when in the first couple of months after my ex-h and I first started kissing and he had a cold sore at the time so I almost definitely got it from him. My outbreak was so bad that it covered most of my face below my nose. I went to a doctor and they took a culture and it came back hsv-1. But it NEVER crossed my mind to be angry at my ex for giving it to me. And I never had a cold sore again. And I don’t care. Herpes has not had any negative impact on my life whatsoever.

 

I think I have told four or five people before kissing them, and I have kissed many more people than that. If a guy asks, I tell. Otherwise, I assume that he knows there’s a good chance that anyone he kisses will have it and I don’t worry about it. Of those guys that I’ve told, none have cared. Kissing still happened.

 

And exactly one guy has ever told me he had it.

 

This thread keeps making me think of sneetches. I guess I’m a star-bellied sneetch. And I’m fine with that.

[XForeverstardust]

I don’t usually disagree with you, but he went to the doctor and got some information. Thius, the declarative statements.

 

There is abaoalutely no way to say definitively whether he knew, or didn’t know. This may well have been his first outbreak. And yes, she may have had it for years since her auntie kissed her cheek when she was 10 - and this could have been her first outbreak too.

 

 

My parents never let my family members kiss or touch me and raised me with careful caution and over protection. Whenever their was a flu outbreak, they wouldn't let me step into a private pool.

 

 

Also may I add: The first time oral herpes appears the person can have symptoms such as a fever, sore throat, or headaches. I had a horrible headache, sore throat, night sweats, chills, nausea and dry cough right before the mouth ulcers appeared. I went to the ER with these symptoms cause it was unbearable and the doctor told me it was not the flu and more likely a cold and to just take Tyenol/Advil for the pain. So this was medically in fact my first time (I don't ever recall experiencing it before nor does my mother). First outbreak is always the most severe one too.

[XForeverstardust]

You barely knew a guy and let him blow his load in your mouth, and then you think he's responsible?! If I were you, I'd get extensive testing done, god knows what else you have contracted ..... we're also talking here multiple partners in the same year and him having ***only 4*** partners this year (I had than many in my lifetime and thought it is a lot...).

 

Take home is - if you don't mind exchanging bodily fluids (saliva counts btw) with near strangers, you shouldn't mind contracting various infections...

 

 

Well look at the person on this thread who kissed more then 200 people. And a lot of people say 3 partners a week is normal. He claims it's 4 but who really knows the real amount? Could easily be 20-40 especially when I learnt that this guy is a womanizer and asks out multiple women at the same time especially online.

[XForeverstardust]

He knew he had it. That didn't just spring up on him last week. For him to say

 

 

In such declarative, definitive sentences means he knows he's got it, he knows he was contagious when you two had sexual relations. He didn't say "I think it was" or "It might be..." Saying "It is" and "It is not" means you're not speculating: you're spitting facts.

 

 

 

He outted himself with his declarative statements.

 

No, he's nasty and irresponsible in the extreme. Knowingly giving someone and STD is actionable in a court of law.

 

 

Thank you!!

 

 

I found it very suspicious how he told me he went to the doctors the night before (immediately after I told him about it) and did a blood test and how I should do one too before we can 100% conclude. I googled up symptoms and started freaking out cause I recalled a day or 2 before I saw the mouth ulcers I was really sick like high fever, night sweats (never had this before), chills, nausea, body aches... so I went to the ER and she said it ain’t the flu and probably a cold to take tyneol/Advil for the pain. Anyways all those symptoms is early stages of HIV so I ofc was paranoid and I messaged him that asking if he has HIV or not.

 

 

 

But then this morning he was adamant that it was HSV and "not intentional" only to deny it was not him despite him being the only one I was sexually active with during the incubation period of my first episode. That is when he said that statement which is funny cause I thought he said he didn’t know he had it. He’s confirming what it is and says it’s not intentional only to say it wasn’t him... which is contradiction.

[XForeverstardust]

This.

 

OP you have to understand that A LOT of people have HSV1 and even HSV2. It's weird to just say "Hey.. I have herpes.." to every potential partner. I understand why you're freaked out if you've never been exposed to the virus and it's your first time getting cold sores. But honestly, I think you overreacted and you shouldn't be blaming him because he might actually not know that he has HSV1 or he didn't think it'd cause you to get cold sores.

 

FYI, there are many people who has HSV1 but will never get cold sores. Meaning even if you date someone who never gets cold sores.. he can still give you HSV1. And if you have HSV1.. and you're more prone to cold sores.. then you'd get them. Take some lysine to prevent if that is the case.

 

 

It may not be a big deal to you and people like Grays. However I am not going to conceal I have herpes which is in fact an incurable lifelong affliction because that is an ******* move. You're putting someone at risk because it is highly contagious.

[XForeverstardust]

Yeah, as much as I have been saying that HSV1 is "common" and "not serious," I would not be having sex with this guy. I don't have unprotected sex, or protected sex for that matter, with men who go from one sexual partner to another in such a short period of time. This is risky behavior, to be sure.

 

 

Herpes viruses never really go away, they live in the nerve cells and can become dormant, meaning you can go years without having another outbreak. But the virus can be reactivated when you're going through a period of stress, have another infection taxing your immune system, or are simply going through the aging process, she explains. So, after your first outbreak, you are at a risk for recurrent outbreaks for basically the rest of your life. It all depends on the individual and their immune system, environment, mental health... it may not be serious for those who do not get an outbreak ever again (has happened a lot) but it is a big deal for those who get a lot of outbreaks.

Edited October 27, 2018 by XForeverstardust

[XForeverstardust]

OP got an untreatable infection, albeit 'common' and 'not serious'. But I'm cringing thinking what else she or others may have received from him . "Only" 4 partners per year suggest he was sleeping around with a new person every 10 weeks . No testing will detect all the dormant diseases he has contracted or spread over such short periods of time.

 

Bottom line - promiscuity is fun, consequences are not. Choice is all ours

 

 

I had 4 sexual partners this year as well (that includes the HSV guy). But the first time I did it was in 2017 and had a horrible pregnancy scare so I was thrown off sex for a whole year and in 2018 wanted to "make up for missed time". Before anyone berates me I know what I did was really stupid but when it all happened I started taking medicine which increases your sex drive and I wanted to move on quickly from the previous guy so I would find another, it was my way to fill the void. After this HIV scare (not even confirmed whether I have it to not) I am not going to be partaking in anymore "casual" sexual behavior and will not be having sex until I find a very decent partner, know them well for a long period of time, taking a STD test together and then engaging in any sexual activity. This experience, has taught me a lot. I am hoping that it turns out it was only HSV1 and nothing worse.

[grays]

Hold up!!!! You don’t mean to say you might have HIV, do you?

[XForeverstardust]

Hold up!!!! You don’t mean to say you might have HIV, do you?

 

 

I am not 100% sure as blood test results is pending. When I made this post I was told by my doctor that it was HSV but I failed to mention (because it did not occur to me at the time) about the flu-like symptoms endured before.

 

 

I was very sick and went to the ER because I thought I came down with a nasty flu and wanted antibiotics

The flu like symptoms I had was:

- Unbearable headache (could not keep my head up)

- Fever and I think she said my temp was low

- Night sweats (hot flashes during sleep): This one was unusual since I never had it before and it was so bad my whole shirt was drenched in sweat and I had to take it off

- Body aches (my whole body was in pain)

- Nausea

- Dry cough (some what of a sore throat but no where near as bad when I have a flu), came at the later days

The Nurse who checked me immediately sent me into urgent care (usually they take a long time or send me to another room that's not in the urgent care wing). Anyways they told me to wear a mask and change into a hospital gown. The doctor wore a mask and gloves, so I'm assuming symptoms were severe. The doctor assessed me and told me it is not a flu and therefore I would not need antibiotics and however it is most likely a cold and I should just take both Advil & Tylenol for the pain.

A day or 2 after my hospital visit, I was experiencing a lot of pain in my mouth, I couldn’t eat or drink or anything. I noticed my lips were swelling up so I applied ice on it. As time progressed I looked in the mirror cause it was burning so I pulled my lips down and saw lesions (open ulcers) on the bottom lip and I pulled the top and saw some there too and I freaked out cause it looked just like herpes. I went to my family doctor and explained the whole mouth situation (forgot to mention the flu symptoms) and showed her pictures and she insisted it is definitely HSV and I probably got it from lesions my partner had on his mouth or penis.

 

 

 

 

 

From the website:https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/overview/about-hiv-and-aids/symptoms-of-hiv

 

 

Early Stage of HIV

 

About 40% to 90% of people have flu-like symptoms within 2-4 weeks after HIV infection. Other people do not feel sick at all during this stage, which is also known as acute HIV infection. Early infection is defined as HIV infection in the past six months (recent) and includes acute (very recent) infections. Flu-like symptoms can include:

 

1. Fever
   
2. Chills
   
3. Rash
   
4. Night sweats
   
5. Muscle aches
   
6. Sore throat
   
7. Fatigue
   
8. Swollen lymph nodes
   
9. Mouth ulcers
   

These symptoms can last anywhere from a few days to several weeks. During this time, HIV infection may not show up on some types of HIV tests, but people who have it are highly infectious and can spread the infection to others.

 

 

 

 

ALL these flu-like symptoms including the mouth ulcers are early symptoms of HIV hence why I am scared especially when I was told it is not the flu.I feel like this guy is just with-holding so much more then I originally thought. It is now apparent to me how much of a liar he is (everything he said did not add up) but at the time I was very vulnerable because he made me feel special. My friends even thought he was a good guy because that's how well he plays it. Might I add our relations came to an end when he told me he fell for someone else and wanted to pursue a relationship with her. He told me a week ago (when I noticed he was acting off) that I was the only girl he spoke to and he's not the type to cheat. According to him, the girl is the one who made the moves on him and all this happened in 2-3 days. NOTHING ever gets serious in a few days and he is obviously lying.

[No_Go]

Yikes that's terrifying... When was your last encounter with him? No point to try testing unless it was few months ago, you'd never now is it negative or false negative...

 

You learned your lesson hopefully not on too high price. From here on keeping clothes on until sure the guy is not sleeping around type is your best bet... Much better than pacifyng with tests (not saying tests are ad, but I wrote above why they are telling you part of the truth at best)..

[grays]

I’m sorry you’re feeling scared of HIV. That’s a crappy feeling. As a mom-aged person, I wanna put my arm around you and tell you everything is gonna be okay. It really is. Im100% sure this is not HIV.

[lana-banana]

You are paranoid because of the HSV. Once I was terrified I had HIV (what triggered it I can't exactly remember, I just thought I so because I had very severe anxiety) and I was a total mess until I took a test confirming I didn't have it. You can buy very reliable HIV tests in pharmacies and larger stores like Target. Go ahead and get one today; you can have results in under an hour.

Edited October 28, 2018 by lana-banana

[guest569]

It may not be a big deal to you and people like Grays. However I am not going to conceal I have herpes which is in fact an incurable lifelong affliction because that is an ******* move. You're putting someone at risk because it is highly contagious.

 

My mother has cold sores from a relative kissing her as a child and she has always been super careful not to pass it on. Certainly never kissed anyone while she had a cold sore. I'm sorry you're going through this and waiting for the results must be a very stressful time.

[greymatter]

xforeverstardust, I understand why you are worried. I just wanted to say that I have worked with infectious diseases specialists closely for the past 8 years and have learned a few things (a lot actually). Rest assured that if you were found to be HIV positive, it is not a death sentence like it was 30 years ago. It is now very treatable and managed like any other chronic illness such as diabetes that can be well treated and managed with medication. Does it still carry a stigma? Absolutely. But from a health standpoint, if you ended up with the diagnosis, there is excellent care to be had in terms of keeping you well.

 

To grays and others who don't reveal your known STD to new partners, I'm really stunned and disappointed to hear that. You should be disclosing HSV 1 to every new partner. Not everyone has HSV 1 or 2. I've been tested for it many times (before/after relationships) and do not have it and don't want it. I'm pissed off to think you are knowingly keeping that information from sexual partners. My ex-husband has it (and obviously I never got it from him) but he absolutely disclosed it when we first got together many years ago. It didn't keep me from being with him but I certainly appreciated his honesty. Can't say the same for those here who don't disclose it.