Did he knowingly give me a STD?

[xforeverlove24]

So I was sexually active with this guy for a couple of weeks (the last person before him was my ex 5 MONTHS ago and I did not experience anything like this before and that guy was all clear after STD testing). Two weeks after getting intimate with the new guy I noticed mouth ulcers accompanied by flu-like symptoms prior to it. My family doctor said it was indeed HSV and it transmitted through lesions either on my partner's mouth or penis.

 

After my talk with my family doctor I spoke to my (now former, we called it quits a week ago) partner. He was like “omg I had no idea” and he asked if we could meet up and discuss it, i obviously declined.

APPARENTLY he went to the doctors (immediately after I informed him) and he told me he got a blood test. Then he says how it’s not a big deal because 67% of the population have it and how I should continue seeing people (should not let it impact my love life) and don’t have to mention it blah blah...

 

Awhile back, he told me that he only banged 4 people this year and the last time was in May, “as well” (based on what I told him about myself). But last night he says the last person he was with was his ex aka the one he broke up with in the start of the year... which does not add up.

Anyways when I proceeded to talk to him about it he began to give me the cold shoulder and fully ignored everything I said. Instead of reassuring me anything.

 

Based on the symptoms I was scared that it maybe something far worse and confronted him about it and he told me and I quote "this is not hiv, its hsv, which is not dangerous, and it was not intentional and what you have is hsv and it is not even confirmed that it is me who has it".

 

I recall him telling me to kiss more gently even tho I was not rough, I'm assuming his lips must have been extra sensitive due to lesions (recall: family doctor said it was indeed HSV and it transmitted through lesions either on my partner's mouth or penis.)

Edited October 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Simple Logic]

Based solely your account it is possible he knew he was a infected and didn’t give a damn.

 

It is equally possible that he never knew, never had a blood test because someone explained the disease to him and he figures it won’t kill him - no big deal.

 

If you truly believe he intentionally did not advise you, get a lawyer, sue him and subpoena his medical records. Pretty certain a jury would award dog.

[BaileyB]

So, he had a cold sore, and he gave you a cold sore.

 

I'm not an expert, but most people are exposed to hsv by the time they reach adulthood and a large percentage of the population will have the virus - some may have symptoms and for some the disease may be dormant or asymptomatic. Many people with hsv do not even know that they have it!

 

My parents both got cold sores. They probably gave it to me as a child from sharing a drink or a kiss. My boyfriend gets cold sores regularly. Many people get cold sores.You could have become infected by a glass, or some other contact in which you shared saliva with your boyfriend - or anyone else for that matter.

 

Really, I don't think there was malicious intent here. If you read about hsv1, it's very common and not anything to worry about. It causes some discomfort when you have a lesion and you should limit kissing and oral sex when you have an active lesion. But, as I said, it can be spread even when asymptomatic or "shedding."

 

I think you need to educate yourself. Here you go... https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm

Edited October 26, 2018 by BaileyB

[grays]

You’re over-reacting in the extreme. I have probably kissed well over 200 people in my lifetime. Exactly one of them told me they had hsv-1, so odds are 140 of them were “lying.” I had a huge disgusting outbreak on my face after my ex-husband had a cold sore. Did he tell me? No. Did I think he was despicable? No. Do I wish I had never kissed him? No. It’s just the price of doing business.

 

Since it’s true that every person out there is more likely than not infected with hsv-1, it wouldn’t make any sense for you to be kissing anyone if you cared so much about it.

[BaileyB]

You’re over-reacting in the extreme.

 

Since it’s true that every person out there is more likely than not infected with hsv-1, it wouldn’t make any sense for you to be kissing anyone if you cared so much about it.

 

Agree. I may even say, you probably owe him an apology OP for being so accusatory.

 

I love the cdc site. It says the only want to avoid a sexually transmitted disease is to avoid oral, vaginal, or anal sex. Duh! Except, that is not true with herpes because it is transmitted by saliva. That means, no kissing, no sharing of drinks, or any other close personal contact in which saliva may be transferred or exchanged. Good luck with that OP.

 

It is what it is. It's not "harmful." You will just have to live with it - just like everyone else.

Edited October 26, 2018 by BaileyB

[lana-banana]

HSV-1 is so common we don't even know how common it is. 67% is our best guess but it could be closer to 80% since many people have it but have never experienced an outbreak.

 

It's also not an STD unless you contract it in the genital region. I got it when I was a child from some kissy relative or from sharing straws and was used to having an outbreak about twice a year when I was in elementary school. The outbreaks decrease in freuency and severity over time. Now I only get about two a year, almost always after I visit the dentist, and they're barely noticeable. They don't even last more than two days.

 

You really need to apologize. This is not a big deal in the slightest. Going forward, it's not going to affect your life unless you're having an outbreak while with a new guy and he asks for oral (in all my years before getting married, I brought this up a couple times and not only did no one care, but I don't think I infected anyone else either). Cold sores may be embarrassing but they're also practically universal.

[xforeverlove24]

Agree. I may even say, you probably owe him an apology OP for being so accusatory.

 

I love the cdc site. It says the only want to avoid a sexually transmitted disease is to avoid oral, vaginal, or anal sex. Duh! Except, that is not true with herpes because it is transmitted by saliva. That means, no kissing, no sharing of drinks, or any other close personal contact in which saliva may be transferred or exchanged. Good luck with that OP.

 

It is what it is. It's not "harmful." You will just have to live with it - just like everyone else.

 

 

I remember someone got herpes after using sample lipsticks at Sephora (the ones they had on display), sued them and won

 

Yeah I should apologize to him for knowingly passing on a std which he must have had lesions.

First episode ever (which is medically backed by the symptoms i experienced) it’s obvious he gave it to me. I kiss him and perform unprotected oral (he ejaculates in my mouth), then 2-12 days after (incubation period), it shows up. Ironic? **** no

 

Hell, his reaction and words and avoiding behavior is ALL evidence of its own.

 

"This is not hiv, its hsv, which is not dangerous, and it was not intentional and what you have is hsv and it is not even confirmed that it is me who has it".He’s now confident of what disease it is (despite claiming he had no idea, the night before when I confronted)

[crismero]

For sure - do not go suing him for cold sores. I mean: cold sores! Think about it!

Try to put into perspective by imagining if someone came suing you in the flu season for coming down with the flu after you sneezed close to him...

[guest569]

I thought you could only pass it on while you have a cold sore/herpes outbreak. Not when it is "dormant". I agree with you OP, this really sucks.

 

Apparently they can be spread when blisters are not present.. Ugh whatever this is gross.

[elaine567]

This sounds more like genital herpes HSV 2 rather than cold sores HSV 1. Both can cause genital and oral sores.

Did your doctor do blood tests for HSV1, HSV2?

[lana-banana]

This sounds more like genital herpes HSV 2 rather than cold sores HSV 1. Both can cause genital and oral sores.

Did your doctor do blood tests for HSV1, HSV2?

 

HSV2 in the mouth area is technically possible but extremely rare. The first outbreaks of HSV1 can be very ugly, but they improve a lot over time.

[BaileyB]

I remember someone got herpes after using sample lipsticks at Sephora (the ones they had on display), sued them and won.

 

First episode ever (which is medically backed by the symptoms i experienced) it’s obvious he gave it to me.

 

Hell, his reaction and words and avoiding behavior is ALL evidence of its own.

 

Sure, and a woman sued McDonald when she spilled coffee on herself and claimed that she didn’t know it was “hot” - and that’s why the lids say “warning, coffee may be hot.” It doesn’t mean it was a good suit. File a lawsuit and the judge will laugh you out of court...

 

With all due respect, it’s not obvious he gave you anything.

 

Look, if you want to be ignorant, you are welcome to be ignorant about this. We are just offering information to try and help you to educate yourself.

Edited October 26, 2018 by BaileyB

[GoreSP]

So I was sexually active with this guy for a couple of weeks (the last person before him was my ex 5 MONTHS ago and I did not experience anything like this before and that guy was all clear after STD testing). Two weeks after getting intimate with the new guy I noticed mouth ulcers accompanied by flu-like symptoms prior to it. My family doctor said it was indeed HSV and it transmitted through lesions either on my partner's mouth or penis.

After my talk with my family doctor I spoke to my (now former, we called it quits a week ago) partner. He was like “omg I had no idea” and he asked if we could meet up and discuss it, i obviously declined.

APPARENTLY he went to the doctors (immediately after I informed him) and he told me he got a blood test. Then he says how it’s not a big deal because 67% of the population have it and how I should continue seeing people (should not let it impact my love life) and don’t have to mention it blah blah...

Awhile back, he told me that he only banged 4 people this year and the last time was in May, “as well” (based on what I told him about myself). But last night he says the last person he was with was his ex aka the one he broke up with in the start of the year... which does not add up.

Anyways when I proceeded to talk to him about it he began to give me the cold shoulder and fully ignored everything I said. Instead of reassuring me anything.

Based on the symptoms I was scared that it maybe something far worse and confronted him about it and he told me and I quote "this is not hiv, its hsv, which is not dangerous, and it was not intentional and what you have is hsv and it is not even confirmed that it is me who has it".

I recall him telling me to kiss more gently even tho I was not rough, I'm assuming his lips must have been extra sensitive due to lesions (recall: family doctor said it was indeed HSV and it transmitted through lesions either on my partner's mouth or penis.)

 

The thing with HSV is that someone can have it for years and not know it: it's usually only diagnosed after a break out. I get tested between every partner and for HSV I'm always asked if I got symptoms and lesions and since I never have, they just assume I don't have it.

 

Maybe he had it and didn't know or maybe he did. Maybe you had it and didn't know.

[GoreSP]

I remember someone got herpes after using sample lipsticks at Sephora (the ones they had on display), sued them and won

 

Yeah I should apologize to him for knowingly passing on a std which he must have had lesions.

First episode ever (which is medically backed by the symptoms i experienced) it’s obvious he gave it to me. I kiss him and perform unprotected oral (he ejaculates in my mouth), then 2-12 days after (incubation period), it shows up. Ironic? **** no

 

 

From the moment you don't use all the protection you can, you become responsible for what happens to you.

 

So go get the treatment required, and leave him alone. Throwing a tantrum over who had it all along will not make it go away.

[No_Go]

I kiss him and perform unprotected oral (he ejaculates in my mouth), then 2-12 days after (incubation period), it shows up. Ironic? **** no

 

You barely knew a guy and let him blow his load in your mouth, and then you think he's responsible?! If I were you, I'd get extensive testing done, god knows what else you have contracted ..... we're also talking here multiple partners in the same year and him having ***only 4*** partners this year (I had than many in my lifetime and thought it is a lot...).

 

Take home is - if you don't mind exchanging bodily fluids (saliva counts btw) with near strangers, you shouldn't mind contracting various infections...

[lurker74]

You barely knew a guy and let him blow his load in your mouth, and then you think he's responsible?! If I were you, I'd get extensive testing done, god knows what else you have contracted ..... we're also talking here multiple partners in the same year and him having ***only 4*** partners this year (I had than many in my lifetime and thought it is a lot...).

 

Take home is - if you don't mind exchanging bodily fluids (saliva counts btw) with near strangers, you shouldn't mind contracting various infections...

 

Seems unnecessarily harsh. Him having 4 partners in a year does not make him immoral anymore than you having that many in your life makes you moral. And the term "barely knew" is subjective as well.

 

Bottom line, OP, is that he may or may not have known. From his reactions, I suspect he didn't know. And to be honest, HSV-1 is actually not that big of a deal. But I also understand why you're freaking out. Where No_Go is decidedly right is that having relations with someone ALWAYS introduces risk. We accept the risk with the potential reward or we don't do the deed. It still sucks that you have it but it is most certainly not the end of your life, dating or otherwise.

 

I'm betting that in a couple of weeks you'll feel more even keeled about this. Just hang in there until then.

[Gaeta]

We are really panicking over a cold sore here eh!? (ask the girl with hsv-2)

 

I remember when my std check up came back and I was negative for hsv-1. I didn't believe it. I said but doctor something like 80% of the population has hsv-1, my mom has it, majority of my siblings have it, my ex-H had it and we were together 15 years! I should have it!!! He thought I was funny. Me not having this at age 53 is very out of the norm.

 

Most of people get hsv-1 while a child and getting their cheeks bitten up by aunties. Most people with hsv-1 had their first sore so young they can't remember and it doesn't come back afterward so when adult they assume they don't have it. Then something comes up like a car accident, a death in the family, a divorce and the sore pops out! and we have panic threads.

 

Get to the pharmacy, get some antiviral and it will go away and chances are you will never get a sore again.

 

By the way, I've learn yesterday that antivirals against hsv are protecting me from getting alzheimer, aren't I lucky!

 

 

 

 

.

[JuneL]

Since the guy said it’s no big deal, it’s very likely he knew all along.

 

Seems unnecessarily harsh. Him having 4 partners in a year does not make him immoral anymore than you having that many in your life makes you moral. And the term "barely knew" is subjective as well.

 

Bottom line, OP, is that he may or may not have known. From his reactions, I suspect he didn't know. And to be honest, HSV-1 is actually not that big of a deal. But I also understand why you're freaking out. Where No_Go is decidedly right is that having relations with someone ALWAYS introduces risk. We accept the risk with the potential reward or we don't do the deed. It still sucks that you have it but it is most certainly not the end of your life, dating or otherwise.

 

I'm betting that in a couple of weeks you'll feel more even keeled about this. Just hang in there until then.

[kendahke]

He knew he had it. That didn't just spring up on him last week. For him to say

"this is not hiv, its hsv, which is not dangerous, and it was not intentional and what you have is hsv ".

 

In such declarative, definitive sentences means he knows he's got it, he knows he was contagious when you two had sexual relations. He didn't say "I think it was" or "It might be..." Saying "It is" and "It is not" means you're not speculating: you're spitting facts.

 

it is not even confirmed that it is me who has it

 

He outted himself with his declarative statements.

 

No, he's nasty and irresponsible in the extreme. Knowingly giving someone and STD is actionable in a court of law.

[kendahke]

and he told me he got a blood test. Then he says how it’s not a big deal because 67% of the population have it and how I should continue seeing people (should not let it impact my love life)

 

The numbers of people who have this isn't the point: OP DIDN'T HAVE IT BEFORE SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM and he didn't tell her before hand what was up so she could make the decision of whether or not she wanted to deal with herpes for the rest of her bloody life. She is not wrong for not wanting to deal with herpes for the rest of her life. I dont' know what's up with that number of nasty, messy herpes sufferers who think it's OK to spread that mess around and not say anything to anyone.

 

and don’t have to mention it blah blah...

 

"Lie by omission right out of the gate", is what he's saying. This should tell you everything you need to know about this guy.

 

This is the route to being held legally liable for spreading it--yes, you do have to mention it.

Edited October 26, 2018 by kendahke

[BaileyB]

He knew he had it. That didn't just spring up on him last week. For him to say

 

 

In such declarative, definitive sentences means he knows he's got it, he knows he was contagious when you two had sexual relations. He didn't say "I think it was" or "It might be..." Saying "It is" and "It is not" means you're not speculating: you're spitting facts.

 

 

 

He outted himself with his declarative statements.

 

No, he's nasty and irresponsible in the extreme. Knowingly giving someone and STD is actionable in a court of law.

 

I don’t usually disagree with you, but he went to the doctor and got some information. Thius, the declarative statements.

 

There is abaoalutely no way to say definitively whether he knew, or didn’t know. This may well have been his first outbreak. And yes, she may have had it for years since her auntie kissed her cheek when she was 10 - and this could have been her first outbreak too.

[BaileyB]

I dont' know what's up with that number of nasty, messy herpes sufferers who think it's OK to spread that mess around and not say anything to anyone.

 

Again, you may have HSV1 and not know it because it has been dormant and you have not had an outbreak.

 

I go years without having a cold sore. And some people may never have an outbreak.

[JuneL]

The numbers of people who have this isn't the point: OP DIDN'T HAVE IT BEFORE SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM and he didn't tell her before hand what was up so she could make the decision of whether or not she wanted to deal with herpes for the rest of her bloody life. She is not wrong for not wanting to deal with herpes for the rest of her life. I dont' know what's up with that number of nasty, messy herpes sufferers who think it's OK to spread that mess around and not say anything to anyone.

 

 

 

"Lie by omission right out of the gate", is what he's saying. This should tell you everything you need to know about this guy.

 

This is the route to being held legally liable for spreading it--yes, you do have to mention it.

 

Well said. His telling the OP “you don’t have to say it” said it all.

[Gaeta]

Again, you may have HSV1 and not know it because it has been dormant and you have not had an outbreak.

 

I go years without having a cold sore. And some people may never have an outbreak.

And you may go years without a sore and forget you're carrying this till it gets on the subject.

 

 

 

Like when I told my BF I carried hsv-2 so it came on the subject and he said ok and nothing further. Three years later he gets a cold sore...I asked if he knew he gets cold sores? he says yes but very rarely, I asked why he didn't tell me and he was puzzled as to why this was important cause it's just a cold sore not an std.

 

 

In my case it was not important, as a hsv-2 carrier I am immune to hsv-1 but it's just to tell you still lots of people don't see it as an std. Same happened with my ex-bf and the one before, they all knew I had hsv-2 so there were not gonna be any judgement on my part if they had hsv-1, still none of them thought this was something important to tell. Not cause they're nasty, not cause they're liars, just cause they don't know it's an std.

[GoreSP]

He knew he had it. That didn't just spring up on him last week. For him to say

 

 

In such declarative, definitive sentences means he knows he's got it, he knows he was contagious when you two had sexual relations. He didn't say "I think it was" or "It might be..." Saying "It is" and "It is not" means you're not speculating: you're spitting facts.

 

 

 

He outted himself with his declarative statements.

 

No, he's nasty and irresponsible in the extreme. Knowingly giving someone and STD is actionable in a court of law.

 

Until they find out she blew him without a condom...and she would have to prove he knew so if there is no test results in his medical file prior to the tests he took after she got symptoms, there is no proof.

Edited October 26, 2018 by GoreSP