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Could I have done more? Guys advice needed pls

ChaiLatte36

By ChaiLatte36
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ChaiLatte36 New Member

ChaiLatte36

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hey guys,

I've been a lurker on here for ages, finally needed some advice so please help :)

 

So I went on a date with a great guy who apparently wants to settle down & have kids. He was married for 5 years but divorced due to lack of physical connection, but on good terms with ex as still great friends. No kids.

Date was amazing, clicked right away & great chemistry. Asked me for dinner again & saw him the next weekend, lots of flirting & wine & ended up back at his apartment & then to the bedroom. Sex was great. Was worried he might think badly of me so told him immediately that I usually wait A LOT longer, he just said he'd take it as a compliment! Anyway, daily texting etc, all going well , Had a couple more dinner dates & stayed over, got very cosy very quickly.

 

Hes a super alpha high flyer type, high achieving in his field. 4th date he said lets just eat in as he'd had meetings out of state & got a late flight back, he was tired. So I went round & we had dinner & Netflix. Went to bed & attempted sex but didnt happen as he was tired & had just eaten a big dinner. I understood & said sure no worries, we went to sleep. Next morning we had a couple hours before he had to leave so I thought we might have some fun but he wanted to watch business news & didn't initiate anything. Neither did as I as I kind of felt like I didnt want to pressure him, due to the night before. I felt distance from him, for the first time but I didnt say or do anything as I didnt want to seem clingy/needy. We left to go to into the city to work together & were chatting & joking around, things were cool.

 

The next couple days we were texting & talking on the phone, getting on well. Then he calls me the next weekend & says hes not sure why but hes not feeling it anymore. He said hes super busy at work & has no time for anything & doesnt want to lead me on. Also mentioned his ex & said hes still dealing with the logistics of divorce- lawyers etc etc & hes got so much on his mind. He said at work hes got to make quick decisions & this is what he does in his private life too, he hasnt dated anyone longer than me since he split from his ex. Im gutted as tbh I really like the guy, hes everything I look for personality, values, religion etc & also I cant help thinking I could have done more to stop this happening. Hes said it wasnt me but he just felt something was missing. I was nice on the phone & he said lets keep in touch occasionally.

 

Questions- Should I have seduced him in the morning after the failed sex to try to reconnect & make up for the night before? I really felt like that whole episode was a turning point, it was like the vibe of a comfortable long term relationship not the 4th date!

- What could I have done differently?

-I am keen to get another chance with him , is this realistic?

- As he is a high achieving alpha type does this mean he needs more input to keep his attention? Maybe I should have played harder to get, not agreed to netflix & dinner , which was fine with me as Im not a high maintenance girl but maybe I came across too easy going?

 

Any advice appreciated, I really want to try to understand as I just dont get whats happened here & how much I am responsible for! TIA :o

Edited by ChaiLatte36
Chilli Established Member

Chilli

Posted
Posted

Well , probably not.

All that would've done is given him a nice goodbye, if he was even interested.

Why do women think jumping in the cot asap means it's something real.

 

l know many will run this down , but you need him to earn it , he needs to wanna stick around because of who you are and who you both are together, especially with his ex thing.

And if something was to happen after that later, it's then extra special , because whatever is between you is special , not just sex sex sex on the internet.

He's a smart guy , all too easy l'm afraid.

  • Like 1
SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted

Did you:

 

- Offer to pay for some of the dinners?

- Cook for him when you were at his place?

- Did you make the sex as good for him as it was for you?

 

Being alpha, we do not need to be seduced, we are the ones initiating 95% of the time. We lead in sex.

 

Assuming you didn’t let him bare all the financial costs, it could have been he wasn’t that interested in you other than sex. Guys often will be interested until they have sex.

 

A highly interested guy will wait a reasonable amount of time for it. I won’t and never have waited more than 4 weeks no matter how interested I am. Past couple of years it’s been 2-3 weeks (ie: 2-3 dates) on average. If I’m interested in a girl, I don’t hold it against her for sleeping with me sooner rather than later (assuming she hasn’t done that with anyone else).

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted

There is nothing you can do or should have done ... and you can feel grateful that this guy ran away so fast.

 

This guy most likely has had erection problems before. He just got lucky in that initial encounter with you. Add in a bit of a stressful day and no, he couldn't do it. Might have to do with his health, medication or most likely in this case ... his own psychological issues.

 

What strikes me and raises a red flag is that the morning after, he couldn't even just relax and touch and make out without going all the way to sex. His failure to be able to relax and make out is a HUGE red flag problem--he emotionally withdrew and shut down. That pattern would repeat itself.

 

Resist the impulse to take on that responsibility of changing his reactions. A guy over 40 has to have enough inner confidence to either say, "I'm too tired to make out" or brush off when he can't get an erection.

 

Let him go.

  • Like 1
littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted
Then he calls me the next weekend & says hes not sure why but hes not feeling it anymore. He said hes super busy at work & has no time for anything & doesnt want to lead me on. Also mentioned his ex & said hes still dealing with the logistics of divorce- lawyers etc etc & hes got so much on his mind. He said at work hes got to make quick decisions & this is what he does in his private life too, he hasnt dated anyone longer than me since he split from his ex.

 

It sounds like he gave you a straightforward, comprehensive and honest explanation as to why he wants out - by the looks of it, it has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. He's not yet divorced, he seems all over the place and clearly told you he doesn't want to lead you on.

 

Don't beat yourself up - there's nothing else to do but accept his decision.

  • Like 4
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
Posted

The answer to your question is yes,

 

Wait on sex for awhile longer if you want a better chance at something lasting

 

Lot's of people here will tell you it's your right to have sex early on and men shouldn't judge because they do it too..yada, yada, yada

 

But that's not the reality

 

Some men do judge women who do that (whether it's fair or not) and some men only want sex despite all the pretty talk and dates they come up with so it's best to wait with the next guy you date

  • Like 1
alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted

the more a woman has to offer the longer she will make the man wait for sex

  • Like 2
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

He gave you a fair run and to him, you are not it, plain and simple. No there was nothing you could have done to make it happen. It is what it is. Better luck next time.

  • Like 4
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I don't think there is anything you could have done differently. Dating is a long try out. On balance he decided that you weren't the person he wanted to spend forever with. Doesn't make you bad or him wrong. You just have to find the person who does think the sun rises & sets on you. Happy hunting, but never fundamentally change yourself to please someone else.

  • Like 2
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted

He is not ready for a relationship.

 

He probably has his choice of women. He is playing the field right now, ending his marriage, and not ready for a relationship.

 

I’m sure it was nothing you did. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

  • Like 1
nospam99 Established Member

nospam99

Posted
Posted

LOL because you asked for opinions from guys and several of the female 'regulars' 'chimed in'. No foul because, as usual, their hearts are in the right place.

 

I'm a guy. IMO you did nothing wrong, including the sex on the second (?) date. I have no clue why he lost interest. Only he knows and I doubt he'd share that with you though I also doubt you'd lose much by asking him. You sound like you were really interested in him. I'm sorry and sad for you that it didn't work out. Better luck next time.

  • Like 1
snowboy91 Established Member

snowboy91

Posted
Posted

As far as I can tell you did nothing wrong. Whether it's just him, or his divorce, or a lot of pressure at work, or a combination of the three, he just wasn't feeling it with you. It's an unfortunate problem as it's no-one's fault, but it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Even in the first few dates, just behave as you feel is natural. Sex can happen when you want it to happen (or not if you don't). Put in as much effort as you feel is appropriate for your date. If what you're doing isn't working, then he's not the right guy for you.

  • Like 1
Andy_K Established Member

Andy_K

Posted
Posted

You've done nothing wrong, you're just not the one he's looking for. He's told you as much.

 

He decided to give things a shot, but after a couple weeks he's not feeling it. He's just not as keen on you as he needs to be, and he doesn't want to lead you on any further when he knows the end result will just be you getting hurt more. It does not matter if you'd acted more sexual, less sexual, hard to get, more attentive, or anything else. The end result would have been exactly the same, except you'd be wondering if something else you'd done (or not done) was the reason instead.

 

Have you ever dated someone who seemed perfectly nice in every way that mattered, but you just couldn't ever see yourself falling for them, and you didn't get excited about spending time with them? That's exactly how he feels about you.

  • Like 2
soyou Established Member

soyou

Posted
Posted

I dont think there was nothing you could have done more. So please dont beat yourself up!

 

Sometimes the chemistry or connection is there for one but is not there for the other.

 

I've dated a couple of wonderful people who tick all of my boxes. They were all over me but I just didnt feel it. I felt that something was missing and I knew that I would never fall head over heels for them.

 

Be thankful that he was honest and didnt string you along.

 

Now, please close this chapter down and NEXT!

  • Like 1
Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted
He gave you a fair run and to him, you are not it, plain and simple. No there was nothing you could have done to make it happen. It is what it is. Better luck next time.

 

 

I think smackie is right....

lurker74 Established Member

lurker74

Posted
Posted

As a guy, this happens. We sometimes get the adrenaline rush of the first date and the first sex. And then when the adrenaline rush ends, there's nothing left. Many times it doesn't mean that you slept with him too soon since without that, it wouldn't have progressed anyway. Most like, he told you the truth and he just wasn't feeling it. Feel good that he respected you enough to tell you.

 

Now, having said that, you should try to match the escalation of a relationship's physical and non-physical sides together. When you get emotionally attached without the physical, it kills it. And it often kills it when you get physical without the emotional attachment. The goal for a LTR should be to escalate the two together at the same pace.

 

I should also mention that it is entirely likely that he is seeing someone else about whom he is more excited and dating is a zero sum game. If he's thinking about someone else, there's less available for you.

 

And no...you cannot salvage it. If you chase him, he will pull further away. Trust me...I have several blocked people on Facebook for that very reason.

  • Like 2
Chai.Latte New Member

Chai.Latte

Posted
Posted
Did you:

 

- Offer to pay for some of the dinners?

- Cook for him when you were at his place?

- Did you make the sex as good for him as it was for you?

 

Being alpha, we do not need to be seduced, we are the ones initiating 95% of the time. We lead in sex.

 

Assuming you didn’t let him bare all the financial costs, it could have been he wasn’t that interested in you other than sex. Guys often will be interested until they have sex.

 

A highly interested guy will wait a reasonable amount of time for it. I won’t and never have waited more than 4 weeks no matter how interested I am. Past couple of years it’s been 2-3 weeks (ie: 2-3 dates) on average. If I’m interested in a girl, I don’t hold it against her for sleeping with me sooner rather than later (assuming she hasn’t done that with anyone else).

 

 

I offered to pay every time we went out but he always said no. Hes a CFO & I'm a care worker, he chose high end places to eat that would be a little out of my budget.

We only went back to his place after dinner, so no one was cooking. The last night I saw him he picked up takout on his way home & I didnt even know until I got there.

Yes, he enjoyed the sex. And the night he wasnt up for it I made sure he enjoyed himself by doing something else for him without asking for anything back in return.

Chai.Latte New Member

Chai.Latte

Posted
Posted
There is nothing you can do or should have done ... and you can feel grateful that this guy ran away so fast.

 

This guy most likely has had erection problems before. He just got lucky in that initial encounter with you. Add in a bit of a stressful day and no, he couldn't do it. Might have to do with his health, medication or most likely in this case ... his own psychological issues.

 

What strikes me and raises a red flag is that the morning after, he couldn't even just relax and touch and make out without going all the way to sex. His failure to be able to relax and make out is a HUGE red flag problem--he emotionally withdrew and shut down. That pattern would repeat itself.

 

Resist the impulse to take on that responsibility of changing his reactions. A guy over 40 has to have enough inner confidence to either say, "I'm too tired to make out" or brush off when he can't get an erection.

 

Let him go.

 

Yeah thats a good point. I didnt even consider the next morning to be a shut down but now you've said it I see it. Maybe I should have asked him if he was ok, tried to reconnect instead of just being nice & acting like nothing was wrong?

Chai.Latte New Member

Chai.Latte

Posted
Posted

Thanks for the input everyone, definitely helpful

 

One thing I dont really get is that if he was just after sex why didnt he want to have sex that last morning? Id spent the night & we woke up naked in bed together, surely if a guy just wants sex they would have taken that opportunity?!

Do you think the bedroom failure the night before has got anything to do with breaking things off? or was that just a totally seperate issue?

 

Kind of feels like everything was good up until that night & then something changed :(

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