Notsurewhat83 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 (edited) I've found it weird that ive been with this woman for 7 months now and she never tells me her plans. I dont mean for permission or anything like that, i mean everyday things. For example ill go out to a friends or even day to day things like food shopping if she texts me ill reply 'just shopping at... ill be home soon though so might ring you' Where as ill text to see if shes free tonight to meet up and she'll reply something like 'ive got plans tonight so cant, can meet Saturday though?' I like that she makes another day for us but it bothers me that i have to ask what shes been up to. It makes me feel like im constantly asking her what shes doing and makes me feel like im pestering. Ive started not asking anything and for the past fortnight i havent a clue what shes doing as she never just randomly tells me. I care about her a lot but it kind of stops me telling her about my day because its a 1 sided conversation. I trust her and know its nothing shady but its also kind of sad when we dont share our days events or talk about it together. Im used to a woman ringing me to chat about their day and ask about mine. Edited October 25, 2018 by Notsurewhat83
FMW Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 That is odd. So what are your conversations like if she never talks about what she's doing?
Author Notsurewhat83 Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 That is odd. So what are your conversations like if she never talks about what she's doing? We usually talk about what we can do when we next meet. I never actually ask her anymore, like today for example shes got 'plans' but ill not ask her what. Its really bugging me but you have to pick your battles so i dont want to bring anything small up when all else is good.
clia Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I guess maybe some people are just private, but it seems really odd that after 7 months of dating she isn't telling you more about her life, even the day to day stuff. Does she talk about it when you are together in person? (Like "Oh, I had dinner with Susie on Tuesday at X," or stuff like that?) How often do you see each other? Have you met her friends and family yet?
Author Notsurewhat83 Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 (edited) Thats the odd thing, ive met her friends, family and she's always happy when im there. We meet probably twice a week. But these little conversations seem like a weird game. Its even odd that she put how she couldnt come as had an appointment.. i worried thinking it might be doctors so asked whether she was ok or not... she replied 'no its not the doctors' so i sat there thinking 'well what is it then ��... but i didnt ask as just assumed it might be a private matter. Anyway, we met the following day and she asked whether i liked her new nails shed had done the day before... again i felt like why not just say that so i didnt worry she was at the doctors? I didnt understand the thought process of texting 'its nlt the doctors' rather than 'its just a nail appointment' i was wondering whether she'd had a controlling bf beforehand so shes quiet with it. But it does also get to me when its like that as ill just say what im doing. It sometimes feels like some weird game to see whether ill get annoyed haha Edited October 25, 2018 by Notsurewhat83
FMW Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Discussing what you do, your activities, tells a lot about who you are - your values, your interests, your goals, etc. Do you feel like you really know her beyond just a casual relationship that focuses on the in-the-moment experiences? I don't think I would be able to feel very invested in a relationship with someone who didn't share their experiences, no matter how mundane. It's an intrical part of sharing your life in general with someone. Maybe she thinks it makes her seem more mysterious and therefore will keep you interested in her. Is she young? No way to ask this without sounding rude, is she just shallow? I don't know, like I said, that's odd. 1
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 IMO she doesn't ask about your day because she doesn't care about your day or care to hear about it and that won't change with time... I'm speaking with experience here, you have to get used to being ignored and your text messages never getting replied to except when it entails something they are interested in. BTW... I have never gotten used to that type of selfish behavior but have learned to take certain things in stride like one way conversations...I just say what I want since I'm being ignored anyhow... 7 months is long enough for her to come your way.. she is showing you who she is, self absorbed and selfish... It's up to you to accept it or find someone more compatible but you won't and can't change her... 1
damni Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 It is strange, thats one of the things I enjoy about being in an relationship...being able to talk about your day to someone who gives a **** Maybe when you next meet ask her about it? ask her if it bothers her telling you about what she is up to.
Occitanie Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 This is kind of insecure, if you ask me... I don’t need to know what my GF is up to. I trust her and I would like her to have her own space and time with her GFs, family, etc... I think you’re far too invested in this girl of yours. If you keep at it she’ll feel smothered and pull away.
smackie9 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. This seems to me this is a casual relationship and in her mind doesn't require to talk about or share too many details. I agree you are far too invested in someone that doesn't reciprocate. If your asking how to change this, that will be done with a conversation about where you stand with her, and your expectations. If you fear of scaring her away, that should tell you she ain't all that into you. If this where you are at at 7 months...consider kicking her to the curb.
clia Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Its even odd that she put how she couldnt come as had an appointment.. i worried thinking it might be doctors so asked whether she was ok or not... she replied 'no its not the doctors' so i sat there thinking 'well what is it then ��... but i didnt ask as just assumed it might be a private matter. Anyway, we met the following day and she asked whether i liked her new nails shed had done the day before... again i felt like why not just say that so i didnt worry she was at the doctors? I didnt understand the thought process of texting 'its nlt the doctors' rather than 'its just a nail appointment' i was wondering whether she'd had a controlling bf beforehand so shes quiet with it. But it does also get to me when its like that as ill just say what im doing. It sometimes feels like some weird game to see whether ill get annoyed haha It does seem really weird to not just say she has a nail appointment, rather than being secretive about what type of appointment it is. I don't know what's up with her, but it doesn't seem like normal behavior. You may be onto something that there is something underlying it, like a formerly controlling boyfriend. I think if it were me, the next time something like the above came up, I would raise the issue. Maybe something along the lines of "Why were you being so secretive about what kind of appointment it was" or "Why does it seem like you don't want to share your plans with me?" Or I'm sure someone else will come along with a better way to word it.
Saracena Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 You may find this is part of her personality. I know and have known individual's like this who are secretive by nature. Things the rest of us would have no problem mentioning in normal conversation eg a nail appointment they, for some reason appear to prefer to keep these details private. At uni I lived with someone like this and although we got along very well and in some respects were on friendly terms, she was nonetheless, very secretive about some aspects of her life. Ironically, though she was one of the nosiest people I've ever met where others were concerned!
Simple Logic Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 So one has to plan on when to go grocery shopping and let you know vs just going grocery shopping when they have the time to do it?
TunaCat Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I'm not the type of woman to share everything with the person I'm seeing. I'm not gonna tell them "Hey, I'm going here, here and there today" because that's mundane and boring. No one really wants to hear a rundown of your day plans. Now if it affected the person I was seeing, that would be different. Like if I was going to be running late to meet up with them because something came up, I'd say something "Just leaving here and then I'll be there. Might be a few minutes late" and then when I met up with the person, I'd apologize for running late.
Gretchen12 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 It's really just incompatibility. I have been accused of being secretive or not caring. But I did manage to learn to give reports that people call "sharing", which I don't actually think of as sharing. There are two types of people. Those like me, know where we're coming from, but we can also learn what you guys need to hear, and simply play along if necessary. But you guys don't understand why we are by nature this way. For me, reporting activities are so mundane it's not worth mentioning. Growing up my whole family does not report to each other. But we share a lot of thoughts and feelings that go a lot deeper than a list of activities. For example, I would not say to someone I'm dating "I am going to go to the stores." just to say it. But I might later say, "They had these nectarines on sale they are so delicious, do you want me to get you some?". Or I might say, "I saw a dog left in the car in the store parking lot and I felt so sorry for him." It's not a report. It has a purpose. The incompatibility I see here is that some people focus on acts: doing, going. And it stops there. While other people focus on the mind: feeling, thinking. I have definitely noticed that the men who need to know the what and where, usually have nothing to say to me on the how and why.
basil67 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Her behaviour would do my head in. Instead of saying "I've got plans tonight", say "I'm going out with some workmates tonight"? Or instead of "I've got an appointment" to say "I booked in to get my nails done" To be honest, this type of behaviour would leave me with little trust in them. No matter how nice they were, I would have bailed long ago.
FMW Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I may be wrong, but I think OP is saying she doesn't talk about anything she does, he's not asking for a minute by minute report. One of my earlier thoughts was she might just be immature and shallow. His later post that she asked what he thought about her nails just kind of supported that. If THAT is the type of thing she finds worth talking to him about but not how she spends her time, well then..... Maybe I'm being unfair. OP, does she talk about actual thoughts and feelings with you? Or just what movie or restaurant you're going to to?
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