My boyfriend wants to take a break but doesn’t want to break up or date anyone else.

[Shelly000]

I’m new here. My long term term boyfriend of 14 years just recently said he wanted to take a break, but explained it is not a break up. He said he doesn’t want to see anyone else and he doesn’t want me to see anyone else either and that he still loves me but he just needs some time to himself. He works 10 hour days six days a week and he’s just tired and wants to nap everyday after work, and spend less time with me and talk on the phone less.

 

The first 2 weeks we started out just one text message a night saying good night and I love you . The 3rd week we talked on the phone one time a week and hung out one time a week. 4th week we hung out twice a week and talked on the phone two times a week. And same the 5th week, and now it’s the sixth week going on the seventh week on Sunday and we’re still at two phone calls a week and two times hanging out, Addition to the good night and I love you text messages.

 

I was willing to wait for him to come back to me completely but now I feel like I should just break up with him to get him to come back to me completely. Not sure what to do but I’m leaning towards breaking up with him even though I love him very much. And I know he loves me very much too. If I break up with him them I feel like I’m in control of the relationship rather than it being his rules, it would be my rules. I need advice on what to do to get him back to being able to talk on the phone every day. Or at least 6 days a week.

 

I’m OK with two times a week hanging out but I would like more communication, more talking on the phone and more texting. Any advice would be helpful at this point. Do I need to break up with him for him to come back to me completely or should I just be patient and wait for him to come back to me completely? Abd wait for him to call me on the phone more...

 

I thought he would come back to me by 6 weeks, but that just didn’t happen and week 7 is coming up Sunday. What should I do? If I break up with him it would be temporarily just to make him miss me... and want me back.

Edited October 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
title fixed

[ExpatInItaly]

After 14 years, is there a reason you don't live together by now? How old are you both?

 

And no, you don't break up with someone to get them to come back to you. You break up with someone because the relationship isn't working for you anymore. This shouldn't be a power struggle. Breaking up to make someone miss you is a juvenile move, to be honest.

 

It sounds like he is feeling suffocated by the relationship, and wants some breathing room. He might also plain be losing interest. What was your relationship like before this? How often did you spend time together? I would be concerned that he is phasing himself out of the relationship altogether, but some more context about the dynamic between you two would be helpful.

[Shelly000]

The relationship is great right before the break so I think it’s mainly a work thing and he’s too tired to hang out or talk on the phone. We’ve lived together in the past but I’m living with my parents right now because I need to take care of my dad because he’s not in very good health. My boyfriend understands that I need to take care of my family right now, he’s not mad that I moved out. I just don’t know what to do to get him to come back to me completely and talk to me on the phone more...

[Shelly000]

We would spend time 2 to 3 times a week and talk on the phone every single day and text whenever we felt like it which was once or twice a day.

[Shelly000]

I don’t think he’s losing interest because he still kisses me when we hang out, and still cuddled with me. The spark is definitely still there. He always tells me he loves me and I say it back.

[Shelly000]

Another reason why I kind of want to break up with him is I don’t think I could wait any longer . This isn’t working for me anymore even though I love him very much and I want us to be back to normal completely, or maybe nothing at all. I don’t like how I can only call him and Tuesdays and he calls me on Thursday and we can only hang out on Fridays and Sundays. He makes too many rules and I just can’t deal with it anymore. I want to feel free to call him any day or him call me any day, not just those two days. Really unsure what to do...

Wait around for him and in the meantime be happy that we are at least talking and hanging out? On the days that we don’t talk or hang out, do things that make me happy such as my hobbies and going out with my female friends...

 

I’m happy that we’re at least talking and hanging out but on his terms. but I’m still depressed we’re or not completely back together after 7 weeks.

[Shelly000]

Any more advice would be very helpful, thank you very much for taking the time to read all this. I’m so confused on what to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I can understand why you needed to move in with your Dad for a while. That's an extenuating circumstance and it sounds like it's temporary.

 

It seems a little odd to me that he wants even more space now that you aren't living together either, as one would think that would provide the breathing room he apparently desires. It is also a bit peculiar that this space is so structured, in that you have designated days when you call or meet in person and it sounds like you are not "allowed" to call (for lack of a better term) on specific days. Do you two just not communicate at all on "off" days? What happens if you do try to reach out on, say, a Saturday?

 

You say you hung out 2-3 times a week before, and now you're hanging out 2 times a week, so I'm not clear on why he felt the need to limit that if not much was going to change in that department.

 

I agree that it can't reasonably go on forever. You two will have to sit down and talk at some point, in person, about your goals as a couple and how you both intend to reach them - if those goals still match. Perhaps you didn't catch it before, but what are your ages?

[d0nnivain]

A break is a break up with training wheels. The other person is trying to either soften the blow or to make sure they have a new situation lined up but wanting to keep you on the back burner.

 

That is a tad different from what you are describing. If your BF has this new job & is tired all the time, expect for the rigidity of when you can call / reach out, it sounds like he's just looking for less intense. After 14 years that is not great either. Being with you should be easy, not obligatory.

 

Another reason why I kind of want to break up with him is I don’t think I could wait any longer . This isn’t working for me anymore even though I love him very much and I want us to be back to normal completely, or maybe nothing at all.

 

 

I lived with a man for 9 year were together for a little over 10 years He didn't want to deepen our commitment (get married) & I was fed up. I finally had the courage to end things. It was hard because I loved him. In hindsight having met my husband & been married for 10 years I realize that my EX BF didn't love me enough. Our relationship was one of convenience for him, all about what he wanted without a lot of what I wanted / needed. When I finally got sick of being a 2nd class citizen in my own relationship I walked away.

 

 

Don't settle. Tell your guy what you want & if he can't or won't give it to you, make the necessary changes.

[elaine567]

A while ago another poster posted something similar, long tern bf wanting space and a break, but not a break up. I forget the details but it was something like 2 weeks and then 4 weeks and then God knows how many weeks later he eventually ended it.

After weeks of turmoil with him making soothing and reassuring noises to keep her on board all the time, he then just pulled the plug...

[snowcones]

Are you kidding me? Your boyfriend's schedule sounds like the perfect schedule to me. But this is coming from someone who likes having my alone time and space. Personally, I would kill to find a boyfriend like this.

 

 

That said, you have no choice but to breakup with him if this is not what you want.

[FMW]

The break has gone on long enough. Tell him this decreased contact isn't working for you and you don't want to continue this way. I know it's awkward and scary, but I think you have to force the issue and see what he says. You have to either be willing to move on without him if things don't change or resign yourself to being at the mercy of his anxiety and how he chooses to deal with it for the future.

 

14 years is a long time. No matter what's going on in his life he should be able to incorporate your relationship into his life by now, he shouldn't need breaks from it. He should appreciate you as a source of support and comfort and not feel the need for space from you for an extended period.

 

Your needs for togetherness are not a match.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Finding my way

[snowcones]

The 14 years bit is questionable. I guess you're not interested in marriage, OP?

[Shelly000]

No, I’m not interested in getting married. I am 37, he is 47.

[elaine567]

Does this "hanging out" include sex?

[bathtub-row]

I’d break up with him. However if you don’t want to do that, then stop being so available. When he calls, don’t answer. On days you’re allowed to spend with him, say you have other plans. If that doesn’t get his attention, then end it. He’s probably just trying to let you down gently or push you to the point of breaking up with him. Despite how he acts when he is around you, his overall actions don’t speak well for how he feels about this relationship. And if he truly is so stressed out that he can’t deal with a relationship, then he doesn’t need to be in one.

[basil67]

He's working 10 hours a day, 6 days a week and is understandably exhausted. But he chooses to distance himself from you rather than look at his work life balance. This speaks volumes to me.

[elaine567]

47 year old men, exhausted from work, do not take "breaks" from their SO. Something else is going on here.

I guess another woman... either he has another woman, has set his sights on another woman, or he just wants to be free to pursue other women.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I had assumed he was much younger, given his current behaviour. My guess was that he was on the younger side and wanting to go and hang out with his buddies at parties on the weekends or something, live up the single life, was not ready to commit.

 

At 47, he is too old for this sort of thing. It's not a good sign.

[Shelly000]

Yes we still have sex when we hang out, but only if I want to. Sometimes I say no and sometimes I say yes depending on my mood.

This week we talked on the phone three times and hung out three times so the relationship is improving so I decided to not break up with him. I did call him on a day we weren’t supposed to talk and he was OK with it and he texted me a few extra times this week.