sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Little background on what happened. Dated this girl when she was just turning 18. I was just turning 22. Took things slow. I was her first serious relationship, her my second. Had an incredible 3 years and 4 months together. Went to disney this summer. Never had an argument or fight, but did have some disagreements along the way through the relationship which never involved raising voices or anything like that. I never raised my voice at this girl, mistreated her, or anything like that. Happiest I've probably ever been and the relationship in my mind was always perfect, but now in hindsight of course you can kinda see the flaws one of which in my opinion was a communication issue. Got back from an incredible Disney Trip this summer together. So come this semester I'm currently unemployed as I went back to grad school full time so I could knock out my MBA program a year early and start my career. She goes to school full time and has a part time internship. Relationship got stale, very routine, sex life went down, etc. This probably went on for a couple months since over the summer everything was going great. So stagnant relationship probably really started to take a toll the last two months of the relationship (I realize now how to recognize these issues). So on her 21st birthday she blindside dumps me with the usual crap about "Im not in love with you anymore, but i still will always love you" "Ive grown without you" "I feel like I can't be happy on my own and that scares me". After 3 hours of talking and no begging or pleading just trying to understand the situation and express wanting to create a dialogue so we can work on the issues she wasn't having it so I walked away and said be safe going home and that I was going no contact to heal. Since that day I sent one text a few days later saying "if you ever do want to talk about anything dont be afraid to reach out and i hope all is well". about 2-3 weeks later still complete radio silence. I figure that she exhibits signs of what she did for me when we started dating which is she got bored with her high school boyfriend after a few months, told her friends, found out i was interested, lined me up and cheated on her old bf for a week then got with me. same exact scenario. blindside. everything basically. I can't prove she was cheating, I can't prove she had another guy lined up, but i am still hurt she never voiced any concerns about me or our relationship to me and only to her friends and mother.I feel like when in a relationship with someone the common courtesy and understood rule is that when something isn't working or something is wrong that you talk to the person you're in the relationship with, not talk to others about that person and the relationship. She had been extremely stressed about school and being uncertain about what she wants to do and her professors are apparently pretty rough, not too happy at work, and had her best friend move away a couple months prior and replaced said best friend with sort of a party girl that goes out constantly and lives with her boyfriend (not a fan of this girl but ive always supported her friends in anyway possible just because im the kind of guy thats very accomodating and supportive of the people i love). So anyway around the 3 week mark I decided I wasn't gonna get any closure so I decided I was going to write a letter, drop it in the mail, and never look back. Which I successfully have done suprisingly very well. Since the breakup I have dropped roughly 20 pounds or so in 30 days. I was never fat but had put weight on throughout the relationship. Jogging everyday and in the best shape ive probaly been in since I was 21 which is awesome. I quit all substances like booze (never was a relationship issue, but I feel like its a me issue sort of just because its not benefecial in anyway), feel more motivated than ever at finding a career path, and feel very optimistic and I believe a large part of that was the letter i wrote and getting everything off my chest and truly feeling regret free about the whole situation. I suppose I just wanted to write on here and let everybody know the first week or two of this experience was a living hell. Worst pain i've ever been through and I lost my father at 20, had a previous long term relationship breakup, etc. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, struggle to get through any given hour without dropping to my hands and knees crying. week 3 i sent the letter and ever since I still have some bad moments throughout the day but overall I'm doing much better and I want to let everyone know that life does move on, things do get better, and while time heals all wounds I truly believe that having the mindset immediately after being dumped of bettering yourself and improving upon anything in your life that you've put off like weight loss, quiting a habit, or even cleaning and doing chores can speed up the recovery process and can help with your overall confidence level which I believe is crucial to getting over a breakup since the ego is destroyed after being dumped. I wish everybody on here the very best through all of your struggles. 30 days later and I'm doing great and I know a bright future is ahead and I am very excited about what it will bring as I'm going to tackle life and anything it throws at me with the same level of drive that I've handled this and I truly believe that if I can successfully sustain that level of effort and motivation that I'll find the best version of myself, my passion (some say career), and I will eventually find the woman I love that will be ride or die. Copy of the letter is below. No response of course. IT DOES GET BETTER GUYS!!!! (Oh and obviously of course more details to everything that I posted if we went more in-depth about the situation but that's a broad overview). Also I wrote the letter in a way that would remain true to who i was throughout the relationship which was always loving, understanding, and supportive. I also wanted to write the letter in a way that even my future wife could read it and be proud of the way I handled things at that point in my relationship. I harbor no ill will, no resentment, no anger, just focusing on the positives of the past and remaining optimistic about the future. Letter I write this letter with a heart full of many different emotions. The one that stands out the most to me though is happiness. For this I want to thank you. Throughout our relationship you have shown me what true happiness and true love looks like and for that I will always be eternally grateful as it has provided me a vision of hope for what the future can be. You have shown me through your love and kindness the simple beauties of life that could be as simple as driving by a car with a dog all the way to the thrills and journeys of traveling. You have given me happiness, love, and strength moving forward and for that I will always thank you. I also want to apologize. I want to apologize for ever acting in a way that disappointed you, hurt our relationship, or most importantly made you ever feel unhappy. I believe one of my biggest flaws is that I don't appreciate the things I love most in life until they’re gone. I am truly sorry that at some point I lost sight of the drive and passion to continue to put work into myself and into our relationship. I also believe that at times I speak too loud and do not give others the opportunity for input. One example of this that stands out to me still to this day is how I would rave about our “perfect” relationship. I feel as though by me saying this in the way that I did, it shunned out the issues and feelings that you had. I am truly sorry for this, but I do want to clarify that it was never the fact we had never fought or screamed at each other that made our relationship perfect for me. The relationship was always perfect for me because it was with you. The main reasons why I write this letter is because I wanted to thank you, I wanted to apologize, and I also want to tell you how I feel about you. I want to let you know you are beautiful, intelligent, kind, and will always be perfect in every way through my eyes. I know that through your work ethic, compassion, and love that your future will be brighter than you can ever imagine. I will never forget your smile, it has the unique ability to illuminate even the darkest of rooms anywhere in the entire world and spreads happiness and light to all of those around. While words may never be able to truly express the way we feel, I want to say I will always love you and I am so very proud of you. Always go after what you want in life with the passion I know you have and never be afraid to speak how you feel, the world will always listen. Attached Sticky note: I hope this letter finds you in a good place, i dont mean to bother and won't again. I trust your discretion. No obligation to respond, I'm not expecting you to do so. I wish you the best!
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Nice post, good job healing and getting your life in order. I was with you all the way. Until I got to the part where you posted the letter you sent her I went from mentally slapping you on the back to wanting to slap you in the face. 1
Author sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 Eh maybe I could take the letter off, but I feel like it shows my style and honestly... I don't think I've had my style and swag in a while, but I'm happy I'm getting it back and going to be better than ever.
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Eh maybe I could take the letter off, but I feel like it shows my style and honestly... Taking the letter off your post doesn't negate the fact that you SENT it.
Author sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 AHHHHH ok that makes sense now what you're saying. I felt as though the letter actually gave me power because I thought of it as more of me writing the last page of this chapter of my life versus her writing that last page in the way she did. Plus I didn't see the letter as begging or anything like that, more so just a solid nice peace out. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm not afraid of a solid chirp about being a romantic every once in a while either.
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Sending a letter like that to the person who dumped you which is full of "romance" as you put it and full of apologies on your part and thanking them for the wonderful things they did, gives the dumper all the power. Not they need it of course, they already had it when they dumped you. I'd be surprised if she even read it, or if she did, if she cared. I can picture her reading it and shaking her head and thinking "That poor SOB just can't get over me". But it's really not about her at all. We'll probably never know if she read it and what her response might have been. What it usually does is leave the dumpee/letter writer thinking to him or herself "why the heck did I just pour my heart out to a person that has no interest whatsoever in my continued existence?". It elevates the person to a level where they are perceived as being a better person than the one they dumped. Going forward, it can be a blow to one's self esteem and a detriment to healing.
Author sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 I'd agree if the letter was begging or something like that. And Idk if she got it or not, don't care. Didn't write it for her, wrote it for me. If you're too much of a coward to send a letter to someone that meant that much to you in a way thats accepting and wishing the best then I feel for ya man. That really sucks. I'm sure you'll find a little courage somewhere down the line. I don't feel like a chump. I'm actually really proud of the letter because despite me having every reason to either beg or plead (which i never did once thank god because like you said its embarrassing), or sending a nice F U message on text, I decided to just send a nice letter. Sorry that bothers you so much bro. If she read it and said what you think she said then thats cool. Doesn't effect the way I feel about everything. Maybe you just let others dictate how you feel based on their reactions to your feelings or statements? Maybe you're scared of being rejected? lots of forums on here to discuss your own insecurities and feelings man if you need any help finding the right ones just let me know.
Author sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 No problem bro. You ever feeling down or scared don't be afraid to hit anybody up on here to talk. Wish you the best brother.
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I don't know about you but this conversation has me feeling much better. 1
Author sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 Haha me too man. And btw I totally do understand where you're coming from and I know you're well intentioned. I'm under the same mindset you are. I run under the assumption that after the night she dumped me she hasn't had a single thought of me which is probably 100% accurate. I'm totally fine with that. I've loved plenty of things in life that never loved me back and plenty of people that have screwed me over in every way and left me. Part of life. But i've seen too many people let those things just eat at them which i've done for too much of my life. Always positivity. Plus I'll just find a better fit and upgrade in every way and I'll be awesome and even when something like this happens I'm gonna handle it the same way everytime. With that sutsie style and swag.
Morello Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 (edited) Normm is entirely correct. You might be feeling ok about the letter now, but once it starts to sink that she didn't even give you the courtesy of a reply, you'll start to feel terrible. It's very bad for one's ego and self-esteem because now you'll be feeling that you are worse than her. Thanking someone who just dumped you is probably the last thing you should've done, no matter if you want her back or not. But life is like that, we need to go through things and experience them so we learn from them. No other way. Deep inside, everyone who writes a letter like that is, at least secretly, hoping the ex will reply and say they also have feelings for you and are always grateful for the time together. When they don't even reply, you'll start questioning if everything you lived together was actually legitimate. Anyway, sooner or later you'll learn from this. PS: Also, from your post in another thread, it looks like she totally blindsided you (maybe even 'ghosted' you?) and broke up two days before an important exam. I mean, this girl showed no consideration for you whatsoever during the break up. Not sure why you're thanking her so much and putting her on a pedestal. Edited October 25, 2018 by Morello 1
just1looking2 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 My 2 cents, often the contrarian, is that you should or should not do things according to whether you think its right, not for the response. Its a classier way to be to do the right thing whether you get anything in return or not
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