indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Hey all, Its been 6 weeks of NC with my ex bf. He broke up with me because he was going through depression and wanted to sort himself out and focus on finding his own happiness. We havent really spoken and although I am over the pain and heartbreak and emotions that are attached to a break up - I still want to reach out to him. I really had no idea how he was doing until I ran into his mum and she told me all hes doing is working and staying home - thats not like him, he is usually very social and hangs out with his friends when he gets home from work. ANYWAY I feel like I want to reach out - one last time before I stop trying. This is a draft message I've written up, but I need advice on whether to send it or how this may be perceived by him. If anyone here has been depressed and broken up with their partner because of this reason - your opinion would be greatly appreciated. "I’m sorry for another message. I want you to know that I will always be here for you. If you one day decide that you want to catch up, I’m only a call or text away. No pressure about ‘us’ or talking about anything that’s happened, just to catch up –I have my emotions in check now lol. If you have no desire and want me to leave you alone completely, just let me know – I can handle it. But if you just need time, I can give you that too. Also just wanted to say congratulations on being part of the official crane crew, your mum told me. I’m really proud of you, you work so hard and I’m so happy for you x
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Here's a much better message to send him that I just drafted for you: 2
Author indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 Thats a little rude and unnecessary
sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 If you feel comfortable with the message then send it. I believe and applaud the no contact rule for healing and everything like that, but at the same time after YOU FEEL ready to initiate contact and after YOU have decided what is best for YOU and you're ready to handle whatever ramifications come as a result of that then at that point I feel like you've reached a new level of emotional maturity. Just make sure you truly are ready to risk opening new wounds and don't do anything you feel uncertain of because it could set you back. Best wishes and always do what you feel is right and will make you happy! I'm sorry about the break up. 1
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Thats a little rude and unnecessary I was trying to help. Sending that letter will not help you heal. In all likelihood it will do the opposite.
GinON Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I am no expert but there is a lot of sincerity there but a lot of between the lines too. Starting apology makes me wonder how much you have been texting him. I also wonder why you said you had your emotions in check. Without those red flags making me wonder how you were acting I thought of how a person that wasn’t showing signs of anxiety might ask to visit. I would just keep it simple and say you’d like to see him. How about, “I’d like to see you, have coffee with me.” For example.
Author indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 Thank you for your advice. I feel as though I have healed, not completely of course, but enough. I just want him to know I havent given up on him.
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I just want him to know I havent given up on him. Doesn't matter. He gave up on YOU. 1
Million.to.1 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 As the txt starts by saying... "sorry for another txt" .. and that you are saying you can "handle it" etc... I think that maybe there was previous contact from you where you wanted answers or hope or something? Is that the case? Personally, I think that you aren't ready to accept the relationship is over and this message reeks of that. Even though it says the opposite, it's clear you are hoping for reconciliation. He has asked for space. You need to give him what he has asked for. This message is pressure and won't get you the response you want. He needs to reach out to you, IF and when he is ready. You need to give yourself more time to accept the relationship is over. Time and NC will do that, sending this will set you back. Just my opinion. 1
Author indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 I guess a little more information regarding the break up might help. I started the message off by saying 'sorry for another message' because a message I had sent him 2 weeks ago, went unanswered. All the message said was, I thought of you today and I hope you're doing well and that work is helping you' In regards to 'my emotions are in check now' - like so many others, when a relationship ends, my emotions were all over the place. I did the begging and pleading and crying and of course, thats not something anyone wants to deal with so I mentioned that in the text so he doesn't have to be worried that if we were to catch up, I would be the same. I know it seems like I haven't moved on and I'm still holding on to hope, reconciliation isn't my entire purpose right now. I've moved on from the pain, but there's something in me that isnt able to let go completely until I reach out one last time. I understand that the best way forward from a regular break up is to have the mindset of 'he left me, i shouldnt want him' and 'let him come to you' - but I feel that the circumstances are different because of his depression and insecurities.
Author indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 I've written up a few different messages to send, and the first one was a lot more straight forward - "I’d love to catch up if you have time in the next few weeks. Nothing emotional or talking about what’s happened, I want to move on from that. It would be nice to just see how you are and know what you’ve been up to over a beer"
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 there's something in me that isnt able to let go completely until I reach out one last time. Why is it "one more time"? Why isn't it 3 more times, or better yet ZERO times? It's over. It's pointless to continue to contact him, you are beating a dead horse and only perpetuating your own misery. I feel that the circumstances are different because of his depression and insecurities. Of course you do. But you're wrong. It doesn't matter why he left you- it was his own decision and he's gotta live or die with it. He is no longer your problem, your business or your concern. The sooner you accept this the better off you will be.
Author indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 I appreciate all your opinions, thank you ! I just dont want to lose him and not have him in my life in any way - a relationship with him is not what Im after right now, but a friendship is.
Normm Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I just dont want to lose him and not have him in my life in any way - a relationship with him is not what Im after right now, but a friendship is. He is clearly not interested.
Author indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 He is clearly not interested. Okay, thank you Normm.
Gretchen12 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Ok yeah I was also dumped once by a man with depression. I did send him one last text. Actually I wasn't texting him after he broke up with me. He sent me texts that I either ignored or replied chewing him out. So in my LAST text I simply apologized for the harshness. I believe that's all that's needed, and mostly for my own peace of mind. (And yes, it really was my last text). No text will get rid of a man's depression nor will it drive him over the edge. Let's not overestimate our influence! So send whatever text you feel like. But it really has to be the last one. If it's really the last one, I won't comment on what you've decided to say, since it really doesn't matter. But I suspect it won't really be the last text you'll send? 1
Million.to.1 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 With the additional BU info you just posted... you begged and pleaded at first, and that fact that you said it was 6 weeks NC but you txted him 2 weeks ago which he did not respond to, Even MORE reason to NOT send that txt. (so 2 weeks NC not 6) Sorry to come off as harsh, but you have not moved on from the pain, and you are fooling yourself that you intentions are not for reconciliation. No person that is accepting and moving on is contemplating what a txt to their ex will say. He has dumped you and you need to ACCEPT it. You chasing him will push him further away. Seriously. If you found out he was seeing someone else, would you be totally OK with that? If not, you are not over this. If any friendship, or whatever, is possible, it needs to be on his terms and when he is ready. I don't think you will listen to any of the advice here though, so just send the txt. 2
Author indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 Ok yeah I was also dumped once by a man with depression. I did send him one last text. Actually I wasn't texting him after he broke up with me. He sent me texts that I either ignored or replied chewing him out. So in my LAST text I simply apologized for the harshness. I believe that's all that's needed, and mostly for my own peace of mind. (And yes, it really was my last text). No text will get rid of a man's depression nor will it drive him over the edge. Let's not overestimate our influence! So send whatever text you feel like. But it really has to be the last one. If it's really the last one, I won't comment on what you've decided to say, since it really doesn't matter. But I suspect it won't really be the last text you'll send? I guess I mean it will be one last attempt to reach out and if i got no reply or a negative reply, then yes it would really be my last txt. If he was to reply and say something positive or start a conversation, then no, there would be follow up texts on my end
Gretchen12 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I guess I mean it will be one last attempt to reach out and if i got no reply or a negative reply, then yes it would really be my last txt. If he was to reply and say something positive or start a conversation, then no, there would be follow up texts on my end I understand. So say whatever you need to say, make sure nothing left unsaid, and let that be the last time you reach out.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I just dont want to lose him and not have him in my life in any way - a relationship with him is not what Im after right now, but a friendship is. If he has not been in contact with you, and ignored your last message just two weeks ago, then I think it's better that you accept that he doesn't want to be in your life at this time. I know it hurts, but a desire to remain friends needs to be mutual in order to actually happen. And right now, it appears you're the only one with that desire. We can't push someone to stay friends if they just don't want to. And given what you written, now is not the time for friendship anyway. You are clearly not healed, which is understandable and normal. Friendship between exes is usually only truly possible when both parties have reached the point of relative indifference about each other's romantic lives. How would you feel if you discovered he's been talking to another girl, or has someone else in mind? If that would hurt like hell, don't try to be friends yet. Personally, I think it would be wiser not to send him anything. His silence has already spoken for him. 1
just1looking2 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 "I’m sorry for another message. I want you to know that I will always be here for you. If you one day decide that you want to catch up, I’m only a call or text away. No pressure about ‘us’ or talking about anything that’s happened, just to catch up –I have my emotions in check now lol. If you have no desire and want me to leave you alone completely, just let me know – I can handle it. But if you just need time, I can give you that too. Also just wanted to say congratulations on being part of the official crane crew, your mum told me. I’m really proud of you, you work so hard and I’m so happy for you x I think its fine to reach out....but possibly in a different way. Shorter, dont start with an apology......make the contact positive only. The last line only "congratulations on being part of the official crane crew, your mum told me. I’m really proud of you, you work so hard and I’m so happy for you" All the stuff before is a one way discussion, keep it in your head....a text like this needs to show 1 - you care, 2 you are OK on your own. good luck
stillafool Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I wouldn't send it because I agree with Million-2-1's statements regarding this and it seems like you don't get the message. When you sent the last text he didn't respond with so much as a "thank you'' which says he wants to remain strict NC. Sending another one would piss me off if I was him because it would be obvious you are not respecting my wishes and you are trying to open up communication in hopes of getting back together. Just don't be hurt when you send that text and hear nothing back from him because you refuse to accept his wishes.
Author indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 Quick update: I did end up texting him but it was something a lot shorter and simple. Basically said 'I'd love to catch up in the next few weeks if you're free. Let me know' And he ended up replying saying hey yeah next week some time Thank you to those who gave me constructive criticism - that initial message that I drafted was a little heavy and I see that and i think that's why I was doubting it - I felt a lot more comfortable sending something more straight forward. Wish me luck with the meet up
snowcones Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I think you should send it because I think you need learn through experience not to ever send messages like this again. Experience is the absolute best teacher.
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