ffw Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Hi LS folks, I am puzzled about a situation with a coworker. A little backstory. She got divorced few months back. I always liked her, but never made a move since she was married. She is funny, sweet, charming and an alpha female. We have a healthy friendship and flirt from time to time. Last month, she left a card on my time and in return I left a card on her table thanking her and asked for a drink. She never replied. After few days, during our light conversation I told her "my offer still stands". She said "Yes, she knows and that's why she still has that note on her table", which she can see everyday. My puzzled question is why she is not taking any action? Nor accepting nor rejecting? I can view a point stating that she doesn't want a straight reply and damage coworker relationship. But then why she pointed me towards that note, which I didn't notice before? Why she is keeping there so that she can see it everyday? She could accepted the invitation just as a coworker/friend as well. Thanking you for thoughtful suggestions. Cheers...
PRW Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 (edited) It is simple. You have already been in the FriendZone for a long time. She only thinks of you as a "buddy". She does not think of you sexually, she "doesn't want to have your babies" as the common saying goes. The fact that she got divorced doesn't make that change. She knows that this note exchange means you want more than friends. She knows it isn't about just "having a drink". She knows how the timing of it ties in with the divorce. She has not acted on it because of what I just said. However she did not throw it away because she views you as a non-sexual friend and honestly doesn't want to hurt your feelings. If you push it she may go out for a drink, but then either on the date or shortly thereafter you will get the speech that goes something like this: I think we should just be friends. I don't know what I want to do. I'm still getting over this divorce. I have a lot on my mind. It is just too much to process right now. Eventually she will meet some guy that she did not previously know (a stranger) and start a dating relationship with him. He will lean a little somewhat toward the "bad boy" side of things compared to you. You will then wonder how that could possibly have happened and why she passed you by when you were such a good friend. Edited October 24, 2018 by PRW 4
ar1489 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Hi LS folks, I am puzzled about a situation with a coworker. A little backstory. She got divorced few months back. I always liked her, but never made a move since she was married. She is funny, sweet, charming and an alpha female. We have a healthy friendship and flirt from time to time. Last month, she left a card on my time and in return I left a card on her table thanking her and asked for a drink. She never replied. After few days, during our light conversation I told her "my offer still stands". She said "Yes, she knows and that's why she still has that note on her table", which she can see everyday. My puzzled question is why she is not taking any action? Nor accepting nor rejecting? I can view a point stating that she doesn't want a straight reply and damage coworker relationship. But then why she pointed me towards that note, which I didn't notice before? Why she is keeping there so that she can see it everyday? She could accepted the invitation just as a coworker/friend as well. Thanking you for thoughtful suggestions. Cheers... she is probably not ready and is looking for a little more time to ponder 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 she is probably not ready and is looking for a little more time to ponder That would be my assumption, too. She's just come out of a marriage, and she knows you're interested. The temptation to accept your invite is there but perhaps she's just not ready to even think about going on a date quite yet. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 She is not ready to have a drink with anybody or she doesn't fancy you. Leave it be. You tried in a respectful way but it's a non-starter. 2
snowcones Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 she is probably not ready and is looking for a little more time to ponder Yes, this. Some people, women in particular, need time to process their breakup and may not feel ready to move on so soon afterwards. The fact that she said that she still has the note means that you are on her radar and are still a consideration. With someone who is so fresh out of a breakup, I would just continue to make light conversation, like I think you are, just to keep the lines of communication open and keep me in front of their face, but tread lightly and above all, be patient. 1
PRW Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Folks this isn't about her "not being ready". People get in a new relationship before they even get out of the old one when they want to (sometimes we call that cheating). Most women will very often be "seeing" someone before the ink on the divorce papers is even dry,...it may not be deep & serious, but they would be seeing someone none-the-less. The OP did not propose to her, he just asked for a simple date "for drinks" and there is nothing wrong with that, nothing smothering or over-commital about that. But her resulting action says it is going to play out exactly as I said it would. Her actions are completely clear and I have seen this a billion times. It is a classic situation of the FriendZone Guy trying to get the girl as soon as she separates from whoever see was with. Most of the time this is seen with an Orbiter trying to get the girl as soon as she breaks up with her boyfriend. In this case it was a husband rather than a boyfriend, but it is still the same process. This is going to play out exactly like I said in my first post above. Sorry to be the messenger with the bad news to the OP, but I have been there myself a time or two in the past. It is just the way it is. Now if it turns out I am wrong, then fine, great news for the OP, congrats. But I don't think it will happen any other way. 2
smackie9 Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 PRW nailed it. If she was really into you would have jumped at the chance to go out with you. OP you have done enough, the ball is in her court but don't hold your breath. 2
alphamale Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 PRW nailed it. If she was really into you would have jumped at the chance to go out with you. OP you have done enough, the ball is in her court but don't hold your breath. you mean HIS ball are in HER court 1
Author ffw Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 Thank you all for your input. I could see this situation in diff ways and try to justify her actions. But the bottom line is she is not taking action. I think I did my part and now it’s her turn. I am not holding my breath, Keeping conversations short & moving on. If sheÂ’s not interested, thatÂ’s her loss. 3
PRW Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 you mean HIS ball are in HER court Sometimes it is bad when the woman has his balls in her court, particularly if she has a good lawyer. 1
Gaeta Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 She is flattered by the attention you gave her, all women like attention especially when coming out of a relationship, it confirms we still got it and it feels good. That being said she is unsure if she feels attracted or not. If she didn't feel attracted at all she would have thrown away the invite. I think she keeps it only because she's flattered and likes to think someone would take her out. When we work with people we often have a certain image of them and when they pursue us for something personal it may take a while to undo this platonic image we had of them. One thing for sure she doesn't secretly wants you otherwise she would have jumped on the occasion. Your best option is to move on and it might stir something in her to see you date others...or maybe not. You've lost nothing. 1
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