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Reconnected with a past lover of 14 years ago, but he only talks about having sex

pandagirl2018

By pandagirl2018
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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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About 14 years ago I've had a casual thing with a guy where we would meet from time to time to spend some time together and have sex.

 

At the beginning I was interested in him for more than just sex, but he was very closed off emotionally and the dynamic between us ended up being just casual, so I eventually gave up on having something more with him.

 

At that time I met my ex-husband and we started dating, so I stopped contacting that guy but never told him why.

 

Now I am divorced and I went on a dating app and we found each other by chance. We started talking and then realized who we were.

 

I told him why I stopped contact 14 years ago and also that I thought that what we had wasn't serious, to which he responded saying it wasn't serious but it could have been if we have had more time together, or if he had show me more of how he felt about me at the time.

 

This was a big surprise to me, because I never thought he could like me in any other way besides sex.

 

So, now we live in different countries and cannot meet at the moment, we'll have to wait until Christmas when I go and visit my family that lives in the same country as he is.

 

We have been texting everyday, but he still feels very closed off. He basically just asks how I am, but doesn't say much about his life, what is he doing, etc.

 

And he started talking about how sex was great between us (it really was, I'll give him that), and that he would like to kiss me and have sex with me again.

 

I mean, that's all fine, and with the long distance between us now, I don't see anything serious that could happen between us.

 

But, his lack of depth just kills me. We do have a good connection and I would love to talk more to him, about how his life is, what does he like, what is he doing, etc. I do try and tell him about me, but his messaging is always short sentences and not much info.

 

I'm just not sure if it's worth it, besides having a guy to have sex abroad. :rolleyes:

 

I mean, I've had the whole casual sex thing after I got divorced, but I think at this point in my life I would like to have the whole package (sex and a nice deep emotional connection).

 

What do you think about this?

TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted (edited)
About 14 years ago I've had a casual thing with a guy where we would meet from time to time to spend some time together and have sex.

<SNIP>

 

 

He knows you have a thing for him and can sell you on a false hope to get easy sex.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

He never had any depth when you were dealing with him 14 years ago. I'm failing to see why you'd think he's grown some? I mean, you did disappear with no warning previously, so perhaps he's just keeping things really shallow for now, considering.

 

I wouldn't be trying to build something with someone who can't muster any more interest than this, unless you just want to smash for old times sake and leave it at that.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Doesn't sound like he's changed at all except just having more trouble getting sex these days. You should just tell him outright, You know, I am not interested in a casual sexual relationship.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

2004

about 14 years ago i've had a casual thing with a guy where we would meet from time to time to spend some time together and have sex.

 

At the beginning i was interested in him for more than just sex, but he was very closed off emotionally and the dynamic between us ended up being just casual, so i eventually gave up on having something more with him.

 

2018

and he started talking about how sex was great between us (it really was, i'll give him that), and that he would like to kiss me and have sex with me again.

 

We have been texting everyday, but he still feels very closed off. He basically just asks how i am, but doesn't say much about his life, what is he doing, etc.

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted

Tell him that you've grown virtuous and sophisticated in your old age and need him to wax eloquent... then use him for sex and ghost him again.

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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Tell him that you've grown virtuous and sophisticated in your old age and need him to wax eloquent... then use him for sex and ghost him again.

 

I'm sorry, my old age? :(:eek:

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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He never had any depth when you were dealing with him 14 years ago. I'm failing to see why you'd think he's grown some? I mean, you did disappear with no warning previously, so perhaps he's just keeping things really shallow for now, considering.

 

I wouldn't be trying to build something with someone who can't muster any more interest than this, unless you just want to smash for old times sake and leave it at that.

 

Yes I did disappear at that time, but the main reason was because I never thought ther was anything serious between us. I mean, we only contacted each other as in like booty calls, no contact in between them, so I didn't really disappear!? There was never a conversation about what that was between us, or anything else.

 

Yes I agree. Especially with the distance now, it would be just for smash for old times sake and that's it. The thing is, I'm not the same person I was at that time and find that really boring now.

  • Like 1
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Posted

Lol, you had a casual sexual relationship 14 years ago and now... He wants to have casual sex with you again.

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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Lol, you had a casual sexual relationship 14 years ago and now... He wants to have casual sex with you again.

 

Thanks guys. Yes I think this situation is quite straight forward. It was just sex 14 years ago and now it will be the same thing with him.

 

He might not have changed (not that he has too), but I did change over the years. I want the sex obviously, but I want the intimate connection too. The bang bang thank you mam of years ago is boring to me now.

  • Like 1
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

I don't quite understand how you have a great connection if you find him so closed-off and uninterested in talking about anything other than sex. You're seeing something that isn't there, I wager.

 

I wouldn't bother with this. He's not interested in anything more than a hook-up when you're home.

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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I don't quite understand how you have a great connection if you find him so closed-off and uninterested in talking about anything other than sex. You're seeing something that isn't there, I wager.

 

I wouldn't bother with this. He's not interested in anything more than a hook-up when you're home.

 

Sorry, I meant to say a great "physical chemistry", or attraction, not a deep intimate connection.

SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted
Tell him that you've grown virtuous and sophisticated in your old age and need him to wax eloquent... then use him for sex and ghost him again.

 

Good point Sal. The OP ghosted this dude after casual sex and she’s confused as to why he’s not running to get into a serious relationship with her.

Mrs._December Established Member

Mrs._December

Posted
Posted (edited)
Yes I did disappear at that time, but the main reason was because I never thought ther was anything serious between us. I mean, we only contacted each other as in like booty calls, no contact in between them, so I didn't really disappear!? There was never a conversation about what that was between us, or anything else.

 

How EASY it is for this guy to schmooze you with his baloney about shoulda, woulda, coulda - making you think you left him too soon before you won the big prize. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

So EASY for him to make this claim when he doesn't have to back it up or prove any part of it. Therefore, I can say that had I not married my husband years ago, I probably would have become a runway model and you'd have to believe it because you can't prove something that never happened. :rolleyes:

 

See how easy that is?

 

If you're looking for meaningless sex and think this guy is worth wasting your time on, then go for it. He has to make very little effort - all you have to do is show up when you're in his country and it's win/win for him.

 

Don't be surprised when he starts wanting to connect via Skype or send naked pictures back and forth. This guy is a complete tool.

Edited by Mrs._December
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Start things fresh with someone new, and kick buddy back into the past.

  • Like 1
patricia8585 New Member

patricia8585

Posted
Posted

Being hyper horny doesn't mean he is not ready for a serious relationship in my opinion because it would be wrong for you to base your judgment on that alone.. You should rather ask him if he is seriously looking to have serious relationship at this stage of his life, and his answer would determine what he is truly after.

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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How EASY it is for this guy to schmooze you with his baloney about shoulda, woulda, coulda - making you think you left him too soon before you won the big prize. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

So EASY for him to make this claim when he doesn't have to back it up or prove any part of it. Therefore, I can say that had I not married my husband years ago, I probably would have become a runway model and you'd have to believe it because you can't prove something that never happened. :rolleyes:

 

See how easy that is?

 

If you're looking for meaningless sex and think this guy is worth wasting your time on, then go for it. He has to make very little effort - all you have to do is show up when you're in his country and it's win/win for him.

 

Don't be surprised when he starts wanting to connect via Skype or send naked pictures back and forth. This guy is a complete tool.

 

Well not THAT easy because I smelled the bulls*** :p

 

But yes you are totally right. The only thing with these f*** boys is that their actions then don't backup their words. Especially when they think they'll get what they want. lol

 

There's no need to fake romance or to make me believe it could have been this or that. At the time 14 years ago I knew very well what we had and what it was. He never made any effort to be something else, so when I met my ex-husband and we started dating properly, I didn't think twice about leaving this guy.

 

Anyway, there will no Skype or exchange of naked photos, because I'm not interested.

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

Posted
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Being hyper horny doesn't mean he is not ready for a serious relationship in my opinion because it would be wrong for you to base your judgment on that alone.. You should rather ask him if he is seriously looking to have serious relationship at this stage of his life, and his answer would determine what he is truly after.

 

You know what, funny you said that.

 

When we now found each other again after 14 years, it was on an online dating app and we didn't recognize each other at first.

 

So we started chatting and he said he divorced 2 years ago. I asked what is he looking for, and his response was that he is not looking, whatever happens, happens...

 

And that response basically says absolutely nothing. :p

 

You are right, "Being hyper horny doesn't mean he is not ready for a serious relationship". In this case it could be because we now live in different countries.

 

That in itself is sufficient reason not to want anything serious.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

You decided in 2004 he was not relationship material, not sure why you are searching hard for some sign he may have changed?

He already indicated he was still a kinda casual guy by his first response

"I asked what is he looking for, and his response was that he is not looking, whatever happens, happens..."

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

Posted
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You decided in 2004 he was not relationship material, not sure why you are searching hard for some sign he may have changed?

He already indicated he was still a kinda casual guy by his first response

"I asked what is he looking for, and his response was that he is not looking, whatever happens, happens..."

 

Well I have changed a LOT in 14 years and am not the same person I was at that time at all. I don't want the same things and wouldn't have casual sex with him the way I did at that time.

 

So of course there was the possibility he could be different now as well.

 

But what he shows is that he didn't change at all. It would be nice for example if he asked me on a date, as in go out, have dinner, etc. But the only thing he mentions is for us to get together again to have sex, nothing else.

 

So, no more searching for anything from him.

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