dispatchj99 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 My ex laid breadcrumbs for 9 weeks following the breakup and it continues to haunt me after 3.5 months of no contact. Not sure what I’m looking for beyond some support and perspective. Our core relationship issue was that she was separated from her husband, but refused to divorce him or tell her parents. Her father was horribly ill with a rare terminal illness, and she lost a sibling at a young age, so she couldn’t bear to cause more pain to a conservative family who didn’t believe in divorce. After a year together tensions rode high enough that she asked for a month-long break. Understanding that I may be losing her, I immediately decided to give her space—low contact/no initiation while she does all of the reaching out. 2 weeks into it she meets to exchange something and tell me she needs more time. I tell her I’m walking away, and go no contact. 3 weeks later she texts for another exchange, which she parlays into drinks. It’s there that she tells me that she FINALLY told her parents about everything. 1 week later she texts for yet another exchange. When I refuse, she says she “we need to talk”. We spend an entire dinner talking about everything but the relationship, except her asking “are you ok?” Two days later, she texts me to apologize and asks me again to talk. There she asks me “if I’ve moved on”, cries and tells me she’s depressed and sees no future for herself. She asks to come back to my place to see the dog, but decides against it. Another two days later, I give it one last chance and ask her to take a walk with the dog. Afterwards she texts me again to ask if I want to talk. We meet and I tell her I’ve never broken up with a depressed person so I’ll be there for her when she needs it. When I get home she texts me again saying that she wants another drink. This time I don’t take the bait. In her last text she says “bed feels nice”. Sensing games, I go complete no contact. A week later I run into her while walking the dog. I hastily say hello and goodbye. She texts me to say that she’s sorry for upsetting me…that I looked angry. I ignore the text. A week later, she threatens me: “if you’re going to ignore me like, then let’s never talk again”. Sounds like double-secret probation. I tell her that I need time and space but I’ll be there for her if it’s something important. She says, “I’m trying to end this properly”. 9 weeks of false hope and selfishness, but in her mind it’s the proper way to end things. What hurts the most is that she spent a year hiding me from her parents, but decided to tell them a few weeks after the breakup. Why even tell me in the first place? Does she have any incling of how this behavior hurt me?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Are you sure that she actually told her parents? I wouldn't be so quick to believe that, to be honest. I think in the future, remember that you have more power than you realize. Never allow yourself to be kept a secret, and certainly not for a whole year. You can't force someone to be honest about having you in her life, obviously, but you can walk away when you're treated like this.
Author dispatchj99 Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 (edited) [Are you sure that she actually told her parents? I wouldn't be so quick to believe that, to be honest. /QUOTE] ExpatInItaly: I would have no idea of knowing for sure, but why would she lie? Frankly, I'm not sure why she would tell me in the first place. So I know that she's moving forward with her life? A week later she's crying depressed telling me she has no future. Agreed that I should have ended it myself months ago. I kept telling myself to not to push her to get a divorce because of what she was going through at home. She even confronted me about it a week before we broke up and said it made her feel like I wasn't serious enough about the relationship. Hard to make any sense of that either since she spoke out of both sides of her mouth throughout the breakup process. Edited October 24, 2018 by dispatchj99
loststarsx Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 I'm still trying to learn how to forgive. What I do know is that you will feel better when you come to terms with reality and that the relationship and person you mourn for are no longer in your life. I would not trust her. Before confirming my suspicion of being cheated on, I thought breadcrumbs meant I had a tiny chance at reconciliation. Not the case. Breadcrumbs are given to us love starved people by heartless bastards in order to keep us as benchwarmers. Even if it does not feel like it, this was somehow for the best. Only you know your relationship and your ex, and only you can decide where you go from here.
bathtub-row Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 I don’t think her behavior was intentional. I think she was just really screwed up and afraid of letting you go completely. She definitely was on a roller coaster ride and she took you with her. Still, if anything, I doubt her intentions all along were to end things with you. Maybe that’ll help you when you think about trying to forgive her.
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