ElKay Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Hi everyone! I'm 27 years old and I've been dating this amazing guy that has been treating me really great (38, but looks younger than that). The only hiccup in our almost over 3 months of dating was that he mentioned that he smoked cannabis 2-3 times a year, which I feel like I wish I had known earlier so that it wouldn't have been a surprise as I'm against any sort of smoking in general. He said that he wouldn't do it in front of me and it's something he's gone for without years before, so it's not an addiction. Ever since, I've felt the old me coming back. The insecure me who remembers that I've not once been loved back and that I'm afraid that my mom's bad irritable attitude has rubbed off on me. So far, I've kept it well under wraps as I've only shown one moment of being impatient when we had to wait at 2 restaurants that were way too busy, meaning we ate 3 hours later than planned. I don't want to self-sabotage what we have, because what we have is really great right now. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with this? I think I just need to change my train of thoughts and keep repeating good thoughts in my mind until it sticks, but I would love more advice from anyone dealing with this.
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I don't understand any of the correlations you are trying to get across. What does his occasional pot smoking have to do with a). your mother; b). over crowded restaurants or c). your perceived failure to experience love? To me pot smoking or any illegal drugs is a straight up deal breaker. I just don't like the stuff & it's a bright line. If it's legal where you are, that doesn't change my opinion about the issue because I can't handle the smell. If it's something he did in the past, but doesn't do now, OK. You need to draw those lines where you think is appropriate but don't make exceptions for people who cross your boundaries. If you don't like to wait for a table down load a reservation app or just call ahead. If there is a 3 hour wait, go somewhere else. That seems a no brainer but if your past pattern is to throw a hissy fit, you are right to get a handle on that. Work on your own self esteem. You are a unique person with lovable traits. Take batter care of yourself, emotionally, & the rest will follow. 1
SerPundnes Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Ooooor he could just stop smoking weed 2 - 3 times a year. It's not even a habit he got. I'd talk to him, and ask him if you matters enough to him to stop smoking weed 2 - 3 times a year. Tell him you two can go get s*itfaced or do something fun these 2 - 3 days a year instead. Think about it, if he chooses weed 2 - 3 days a year over 365 days a year with you, you got your answer to how serious he is. 1
Author ElKay Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 I don't understand any of the correlations you are trying to get across. What does his occasional pot smoking have to do with a). your mother; b). over crowded restaurants or c). your perceived failure to experience love? To me pot smoking or any illegal drugs is a straight up deal breaker. I just don't like the stuff & it's a bright line. If it's legal where you are, that doesn't change my opinion about the issue because I can't handle the smell. If it's something he did in the past, but doesn't do now, OK. You need to draw those lines where you think is appropriate but don't make exceptions for people who cross your boundaries. If you don't like to wait for a table down load a reservation app or just call ahead. If there is a 3 hour wait, go somewhere else. That seems a no brainer but if your past pattern is to throw a hissy fit, you are right to get a handle on that. Work on your own self esteem. You are a unique person with lovable traits. Take batter care of yourself, emotionally, & the rest will follow. Haha, sorry, I must admit that wasn't super clear. Him smoking even those 2-3 times a year kind of broke me out of my "honeymoon period" thoughts, I guess. He lost a lot of points in my eyes and that threw me for a spin. Since my mom is super irritable, I have noticed that I've been prone to get irritable for things that I should just brush off, like the restaurant issue. Which, by the way, happened only because my guy is a vegetarian and these were the only 2 vegetarian restaurants in a very sleepy neighborhood area. I didn't bring my car so it was either those two restaurants or I would just go hungry until dinnertime. This never happened to me before, so it was a new experience that I didn't deal well with unfortunately. I definitely need to work on my self-esteem though, it's always been my weak point...
Author ElKay Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 Ooooor he could just stop smoking weed 2 - 3 times a year. It's not even a habit he got. I'd talk to him, and ask him if you matters enough to him to stop smoking weed 2 - 3 times a year. Tell him you two can go get s*itfaced or do something fun these 2 - 3 days a year instead. Think about it, if he chooses weed 2 - 3 days a year over 365 days a year with you, you got your answer to how serious he is. I think that, since we're in a relatively new relationship, I don't feel like he would stop that for me at this point... He doesn't know me enough and I have no idea how attached he is to me yet. Now that I think about it, this is probably the cause of some insecurity in me. I don't think we're at the same level yet, so I am almost anxious about bringing up that question at this point (me or the 2-3 time per year smoking)... :/
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Try keeping some type of granola bar in your purse so you can avoid being hangry (see Snickers commercial --) Familiarize yourself with local menus. Even though those may have been the only 2 vegetarian restaurants, every place will make somebody a vegetarian meal in this day & age, even a steak house. A 3 hour wait for lunch is ridiculous. You would have been better off at a grocery store at that point. Also by the time you ate, it was dinner time. 3 months in you are right you can't start dictating how he lives his life. When you find yourself getting anxious over things that would trigger you about your mom, take a deep breath & remind yourself that he's not your mom. Learn about mindfulness & deep breathing
Rockett Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I see two ways you might deal with the worry that you'll get irritated at something in the future and risk overreacting. The first is to have a conversation with him (during a calm time) where you explain that you are concerned that since your mother sometimes gets easily irritated, that you might occasionally overreact to something. But let him know that it's something you're aware of and that you are working on it. I think this kind of honesty could go a long way towards making you feel more relaxed about it (you know you'll deal with it if it comes up), and he knows that it's something that may happen, and that it doesn't mean anything beyond that moment. I think this kind of clarity in early dating/Rs is helpful for both people, even though it's a little uncomfortable to start a conversation about a topic like this. The other way to build self-esteem and cope with anxiety is of course to work with a therapist. I wonder also if you might broach the pot subject in a slightly different way than him quitting. Like ask him if it's something he would ever consider quitting. That way you are not saying "quit for me or I'm out!" 3 months in, but just getting information for yourself. I don't know for sure of course, but my sense is that if he's a vegetarian, then he may be making conscientious choices in line with his values (vegetarianism, pot is ok, etc) and might be unwilling to give it up. In which case him knowing that it is a concern for you, is also fair game because he should know what matters to someone he is building a relationship with. On the other hand, he might not care about the pot at all (since he uses it so infrequently), and it wouldn't be a big deal to quit. Only way to find out is to have another convo about it.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I think that, since we're in a relatively new relationship, I don't feel like he would stop that for me at this point... He doesn't know me enough and I have no idea how attached he is to me yet. Now that I think about it, this is probably the cause of some insecurity in me. I don't think we're at the same level yet, so I am almost anxious about bringing up that question at this point (me or the 2-3 time per year smoking)... :/ You're having a strong reaction that has perhaps surprised you ... has thrown you out of the honeymoon phase ... and yet you're afraid to own up to and share that reaction with him. A way to deal with reactions like yours (against his pot smoking) is to share it with the other person ... and share your ambivalence as well. Hey, I need to tell you. I'm not having a good reaction to your pot smoking. Smoking freaks me out ... and I really like so ... so I'm torn right now. You can even share. I wish you had told me earlier on that you smoke pot. It's not a crime, but I just really can't stand smoking. Then you let him respond ... see if his response reassures you. In fact, I think you HAVE to share this ... because we can't hide visceral reactions like that ... It'll be all over your body language and in odd reactions like your impatience at the restaurant (clear case of transferred anger). That impatience isn't a sign of insecurity. It's a sign that you're feeling a strong, visceral emotion ... and then ignoring it. Just the effort involved in trying to hide a strong reaction like this is exhausting ... and it's a waste of time ... You have the right to have strong reactions, and your strong reaction doesn't mean the end of the relationship. Some context here that is probably affecting you. It's time to get clarity about the relationship. Three months in and you're as invested as you appear to be, you need some "security" on his level of commitment to the relationship. Moving forward without that commitment (knowledge of his attachment) is what will create insecurity ... The reaction you're having now is fine ... just own it. Doesn't matter that you don't necessary "want" the reaction you have. It's strong and signaling something profound.
Author ElKay Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 @Rockett: That's really good advice about giving a heads up. I feel like he would be pretty receptive of it. As for the rare smoking habit, I'll bring it up sometime casually and try to feel it out a bit more. He does know it was a shock for me already, so it's not going to be a surprise if I broach it again.
kendahke Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I don't want to self-sabotage what we have, because what we have is really great right now. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with this? Find a therapist and get a handle on your anger/rage problem you seem to have copped from your mother. That's not your burden to lug around in this life, so you need to find out how to dispose of it once and for all so it doesn't ruin another relationship for you.
RedHead5 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Telling you he smokes a few times a year may be a way to start the convo that he actually smokes a bit more often. Feeling it out if you will. He may be telling the truth but i have ran into people who started feeling me out that way. If its a dealbreaker, you need to tell him and let him make a choice. There are plenty of fish in the sea and if this one is not the right one for you, there are more. Appreciate yourself and what you have to offer, love yourself first. I quit smoking for years for my ex. I didnt resent him for it but i did miss it. Im not a daily or even weekly smoker sometimes but it does help with my anxiety. I probably wouldnt date someone who took issue with it now because i just want to be myself. My current BF doesnt really smoke but he knows i do sometimes and doesnt care. He is probably the once or twice a year kinda of guy. I have never smoked with or in front of him. Or seen him after i did. 1
Author ElKay Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 You're having a strong reaction that has perhaps surprised you ... has thrown you out of the honeymoon phase ... and yet you're afraid to own up to and share that reaction with him. [...] I haven't thought about having felt irritated because of my thoughts about him smoking, but it would make a ton of sense! In our 3 months of dating, I haven't felt this way so far. Heck, even today I thought about it during the day. I did already speak with him about it and teared up because it was quite a shock, but we didn't stay on it too long. He seemed to be of the opinion that it's not bad for the health to do it so rarely. I'll have to bring it up again next weekend... Find a therapist and get a handle on your anger/rage problem you seem to have copped from your mother. That's not your burden to lug around in this life, so you need to find out how to dispose of it once and for all so it doesn't ruin another relationship for you. Luckily, it's really not that bad, as in it doesn't often affect my other areas in life (work or friends). I just need to keep my cool with guys. Since this is just the third guy I'm dating seriously, I still need practice on keeping my emotions in check. This is definitely something I might consider since my insurance at work covers it! Telling you he smokes a few times a year may be a way to start the convo that he actually smokes a bit more often. Feeling it out if you will. He may be telling the truth but i have ran into people who started feeling me out that way. [...] Oh, I didn't even think about him possibly trying to check my reaction with it. He saw that it was pretty bad though, so if it was it, he got his answer. During the conversation, I actually said that I felt somewhat catfished since he never mentioned this during our 3 months and wrote "doesn't smoke / doesn't do drugs" on his profile. If I knew from the very start, I might have put some space between us and broke it off, but now I'm already emotionally attached to all of his other sides... :/ Thank you for your input! It's nice to see the other flip side of the coin. To be honest, I feel bad if this would be the only reason we'd break up when we're pretty compatible in other ways. Of course, it depends if he has more curve balls to throw my way!
Gretchen12 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 How did your father react when your mother was irritated? Sometimes a person gets irritated when she feels she has no control of things happening around her and feels her wishes are not heard or taken seriously. Imagine if you were queen, someone powerful, then you don't need to be irritated, because you get to decide. When you get tired of waiting for lunch, you walk, you say to the guy, I don't want to wait. Of course you should not and need not always have things your way. You just need to believe you can have it your way if you really wanted to.
Author ElKay Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 How did your father react when your mother was irritated? Sometimes a person gets irritated when she feels she has no control of things happening around her and feels her wishes are not heard or taken seriously. Imagine if you were queen, someone powerful, then you don't need to be irritated, because you get to decide. When you get tired of waiting for lunch, you walk, you say to the guy, I don't want to wait. Of course you should not and need not always have things your way. You just need to believe you can have it your way if you really wanted to. My father would tell her to calm down, that it's okay and, if she continued simply tried to ignore her... He tends to try to avoid conflict when possible. I actually waited outside the restaurant for some time because I had a very hot coat on so it helped me cool down. I feel silly about that though, looking back at myself, it was stupid to react impatient like that.
grays Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Why does his smoking pot two or three times a year so upsetting? Are you worried that he’ll die of lung cancer? Or since he’s breaking the law in that way, maybe he’ll also turn out to be an axe murderer? Do you think it’s immoral? I’m partly just curious, but for the most part my question is rhetorical. If it nearly brought you to tears and is a big enough deal to you that it makes you feel like you wish you’d never met him, I think it’s worth examining. Maybe you feel this way partly because you’re a bit sheltered? I personally don’t like to smoke pot and I wouldn’t want to be with a guy that smoked it regularly. But I can’t imagine holding very infrequent use against someone. Recently a guy I was on a date with mentioned his once in a great while cigar smoking. Gross! Made me think I hope he’s out with the boys that night because I don’t want to be there. But it didn’t chance my feelings about him or get me all emotional. I think you have every right to draw a line in the sand, but maybe it would’ve good to have a conversation with one of your more open-minded friends about it.
Author ElKay Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 Why does his smoking pot two or three times a year so upsetting? Are you worried that he’ll die of lung cancer? Or since he’s breaking the law in that way, maybe he’ll also turn out to be an axe murderer? Do you think it’s immoral? I’m partly just curious, but for the most part my question is rhetorical. If it nearly brought you to tears and is a big enough deal to you that it makes you feel like you wish you’d never met him, I think it’s worth examining. Maybe you feel this way partly because you’re a bit sheltered? I personally don’t like to smoke pot and I wouldn’t want to be with a guy that smoked it regularly. But I can’t imagine holding very infrequent use against someone. Recently a guy I was on a date with mentioned his once in a great while cigar smoking. Gross! Made me think I hope he’s out with the boys that night because I don’t want to be there. But it didn’t chance my feelings about him or get me all emotional. I think you have every right to draw a line in the sand, but maybe it would’ve good to have a conversation with one of your more open-minded friends about it. I guess I've always associated pot smoking with bad people in my life, including my last ex boyfriend. When we talked about him smoking it, he had asked me why I didn't like it and tried to make me get into the deep of it. I personally don't even like drinking and just believe that anything that changes your state of mind isn't right. Is it a simplistic way of thinking? Possibly. Now that it's legal in Canada, it's not the illegal aspect of it that disgusts me. It's mainly the whole "it's a drug", "it smells awful in my opinion" and "no smoke is good for anyone". Heck, I don't even like smoked meat/turkey. I know it would help me calm my stress if I'd at least not judge it as harshly. I don't have to accept it, but feeling that strongly isn't good for me.
Chilli Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Or , you could just lighten up who cares if he smokes 3 times a year that's nothing and it's not even around you. l dunno , your worried about sabotaging , well you've finally found a great relationship so far, to carry on over something as minor as that , that'd be sabotaging in my book. You probably do 10 things "he" doesn't like, being so uptight would be one of them and l bet it's a lot more than 3 times a year and around him. 3
kendahke Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 (edited) I guess I've always associated pot smoking with bad people in my life, including my last ex boyfriend. Your boyfriend also worked a job, I'm guessing, so do you also have something against people who work? Because understand this: you're whole orientation is finding out if it's ok for you to hold this grudge against your boyfriend because doing that is familiar to you--more familiar than leaving him if he's doing something that bothers you that much. Which is more important: him as your boyfriend or him not smoking week 2-3x/year? If you can't accept him as he is, then you've got bigger issues going on that's beyond our scope here. He is who he is just like you are who you are and it's no more right for you to have to change than it is for you to think he has to change---this just might not be the right relationship for you if you're getting stuck on this. Is this really the hill to die on? If it is, then cut him loose and you go find someone who does exactly what you expect. Edited October 25, 2018 by kendahke 2
Author ElKay Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 My ex actually didn't have a job. He was basically a bum, so he's helped add upon the smoking stereotype for me. I didn't come here for people to support my view. I wanted, and received some good advice that I can take tp heart to attempt and keep this relationship. I know I'm uptight against drug use, but it's not something I can change in one day either.
Kellens Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 If I were him and you brought this up again, I would take this as a red flag. Him smoking 2-3 times a year has nothing at all to do with you. If he was smoking 2-3 times a week fine, I would get it, but this isn't an addict.. Am I the only one who thinks this is a little crazy? I grew up around drug addicts, one of which was my mother. She quit everything when I was still young, except pot, then she quit that 8 years ago. I understand your feelings. I no longer associate pot with other illegal drugs though, I got over that as I got older. At least you're not a hypocrite and you don't like drinking either so I can respect you for that. I won't tell you to lighten up, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you like this guy a lot so far, maybe try to look past this. My only other thought is that he might have been trying to feel you out and see how accepting you were, and there is a chance he smokes more often than he said. Hopefully I'm wrong. 1
Noproblem Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 So a guy smokes weed 3 times a year and you feel insecure? I don't get that. Seems like someone wants to get out of this relationship for the heck of it! 2
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 it's something he's gone for without years before, so it's not an addiction. ... okay.... BTW.. he smokes more than 2-3 times a year.. otherwise it would have never come up Patience is the only way to not self sabotage... Cut yourself some slack and don't react, instead you act on things, even have a plan for your action... Remember, Act not React and patience...
kendahke Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 My ex actually didn't have a job. Ok, so he breathes air---do you have something against people who breathe air? No one is saying you need to get over it in one day---but you are going to have to get over this if you insist upon staying in a relationship with him... because more than likely, he's not going to give up his 2-3x/year puffs. He will just not tell you about it or lie to you that he's not doing it and that's going to open up its own set of problems when this arises. So, between now and then, find a therapist who can help you through all of the issues you're attempting to unpack with him--they should have all been sorted before you started up with this guy. 1
Author ElKay Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 You guys make me sound like I have intense issues. I have some for sure, nothing more than I've heard from friends or this forum, and I will work on them, nothing some time and hardwork can't fix. I'm good to go and will check back in to this if there are any big updates. I definitely am not feeling very sad or shocked about it like I did at first. Heck, I love chocolate and that technically affects one's mood so I can't be selfish and pick and choose. Using this mindset, I'm feeling more accepting and understanding. 1
Author ElKay Posted October 26, 2018 Author Posted October 26, 2018 Mini update, butl those that were guessing he might smoke more than 2-3 times per year, you were right! Oh well, up to me now to think this through. Surprisingly, it's not as much of a shocker to me anymore. (Pun not intended!)
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