WTF? Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 I just read a thread where woogle meets a girl, 41, who he thinks is great, and who has never married. he thinks she is too good to be true. he gets advice that she might be, but a BIG RED FLAG is that she is 41 and never married. Why is this a red flag? Does non-conformity to the norm set by society, your mother, or some pop psychobabble mean that you should be suspect when it comes to relationship? I have heard this on many occasions. For women, if you marry late in life, ther has to be something wrong that you cant sustain a lasting relationship. For guys, either you are a commitment phobe or a confirmed bachelor, etc., and will never marry. What evidence is there that someone who marries late is a sure source of red flags? I think that people are pursuing a career more these days, and have to wait until later. also, because of the failure of marriages, a case can be made that people who wait are really looking until they find the right one, instead of marrying to satisfy some "norm" out there. They had rather be single and happy, than married and miserable. If kids are no concern, I really dont see any problem with waiting until later in life. I know of one woman in her late 30's who hasnt married, and there seems to be more pressure on women than men in this area. She gets so upset when an aunt or old family friend innocently asks her, "why arent you married yet?" well, maybe she hasnt found the right guy. I dont get whats the big deal withthis age thing. thanks for your opinions on what are these "RED FLAGS" are that mark older unmarried people.
Outcast Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 I think the biggest issue with people who have had no long-term relationships (doesn't have to be marriage) is that they may have grown too set in their ways to be able to live comfortably with another person. This can lead to endless conflicts unless the other person is terribly accommodating - and that's often not very fair to that person.
alphamale Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 how old are you WTF? you;re probably young cause older folks already have figured out the answers to your questions.
d'Arthez Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 The institution of marriage does not mean the same to everyone. For some it is just a financial institution, for others it is something completely different, more romantic. And for other groups of people it is an oppressing institution, who therefore refuse to get married - but that is by no means a red flag then (if you can bear that thought, that is). I don't believe that it is a red flag if a person has not married before a certain age. It could point to shortcomings or issues a person might have with intimacy or whatever ... but so could failed marriages or failed relationships point to exactly the same issue. In that sense past relationships are important to know about - especially if there are disturbing patterns in there. (eg. if a man blames all failed relationships on the women, it is definitely a red flag as he shifts all the blame to them, instead of accepting his part in the demise of the relationships). Outcast is definitely right, that a person may form too much of the 'single' habits, which make it hard for him / her to adjust to a life in which there is a SO.
Gold Pile Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 For once, I tend to agree with outcast. If 2 people are in love, I don't think this red flag issue should be enough to them from trying.
smile95 Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 maybe the older non married person never found the right one? SOmethng does not have to be wrong with them? If he was divorced and had 2 kids that would be considered too much baggage to society. So who can win these days? Love is love. regardless of past history. Do not judge someone based on that kind of thing.
Woggle Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 It depends. My girlfriend has traveled all over the world and couldn't find a man that wanted to travel with her. I love to travel with her as well so we are a good match. I honestly would rather date somebody who waited longer for the one than somebody who has been through multiple divorces. Some of myfriends think it is a red flag though.
WTF? Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 so let me see if i understand this--- FOR SOME PEOPLE, at a certain age, if you are not married, then you have walked off the plank to drown at sea, never finding anyone, because someone, somewhere, 'THEY" say that there are red flags. People look at you and think that you are so set in your ways and cant change. say you find your true love, a tobacco chewing biker babe who's 40+ who has had more pricks in her than a porcupine........and you hope she DOESNT change. so that would be a plus right?? (just an example, not a preference!!) What is this magical age that one must reach to be considered stuck in their ways? 35? 30? My brother is a a**h*** and he's so stubborn and set in his ways, and he's 21. I guess there is no hope for him!! Now if the biker babe wasnt your cup of tea, i wouldnt expect her to change, and would move on. Isnt that the purppose of dating , and figuring this out beforehand? dating uncovers similarities and differences, and one must decide if the differences are worth the compromise. I fail to see where age makes a difference in this pursuit. For myself, I see and hear that one of the basic failures of relationships is that the SO " has changed" from when they first met. "We were so happy but he/she just changed." maybe this is their true self, and they were just reverting to their norm and departing from their dating charade. i guess this is why it pays to date for a while, and really find out what people are like. I figured that anyone who would enter into a serious relationship has to change a little, regardless of age. And i also figured that an older more mature person would know this, either from experience or common knowledge. could it be that society is changing, people are waiting longer to marry, and this institution is slowly evolving. I tend to agree with the idea that some people take longer to find someone, based on various factors such as work, travel, need, etc. i myself travel a lot, and its difficult to find someone that can hang with my lifestyle. Plus , it seems to me to be a waste of time to try to cultivate a LTR and not be around very much. thats not fair to either party and will ultimately fail. I guess that if my fear of lonliness overcomes my fear of bondage, then i will settle down!! woogle, i'm with you on the retreads. i think its more of a red flag for someone to have 4 divorces under their belts at 40, than someone who has never married. the 4 divorcee seems to me to have to be a space cadet, or the unluckiest loser there is to consistently pick the wrong ones. And a 40? with kids.....a lot of baggage, an EX to deal with, friction with the kids, uugh. i dont think that the 5th time is the charm, unlike mickey rooney. I am youngish , Alpha, 24. I take it you have already figured this out? So i guess you are at least 40 with a wife and 2 kids, a dog and a white picket fence?? or are you 40 and unmarried? So if you are 40 and unmarried, i gues you have resigned yourself to a dog and TV dinners, and maybe friday night bingo at the home in your retirement. I guess you will be seen at 40 to be too over the hill. My perception is that things happen in their own time, and age is just a number. social security retirement was fixed at 65 in the 1940's, because the average male had a lifespan of 63. (just another govt screw job). so age was a bigger concern than it is today when everyone lives so much longer.
smile95 Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 WTF- great post! I agree with you about things happening in their own time. Society is always asking who are you dating....when are you getting married.....when are you having kids.......I feel so much pressure! I would much rather date and find the right one and get married late then meet the wrong ones and be divorced. I guess since I am almost 30 and not married, people will be asking "what is wrong with her"
WTF? Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 Beth, i think this sort of pressure is VERY much more on women than men, and I bet its applied more by other women than by men. maybe misery loves company, who knows. They are married, and maybe envy your happiness!! years ago, women were considered old maids if not married in their early 20's. It probably has something to do with a woman's prime child bearing years, and the complications and risks of getting pregnant at older ages. the bottom line is, IMHO, is that a lot of this age stuff is mother, grandma, shrink, magizine, and old society tradition driven. "THEY" set these arbitrary criteria that are used to prejudge someone on their relationship potential based entirely on age. So sometimes you just have to tell grandma to shove her red flags, proclaim yourself to be an old maid or old bachelor, and have a nice day. things will usually work out in their own time.
shamen Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 I personally have never chosen to get married. Been asked a few times and I really don't find it all that interesting. What's the point really? An antiquated institution, in my eyes. I could've been married and divorced four times. I much prefer serial monogamy. At least that way I can leave them when they start to act like huge jerks and take me for granted. Ok, sorry, seriously, I do find marriage to be kind of a waste of time as I don't plan on having children. My personal opinion and preference. A partner I can do. Fair enough. But why mess it up with a piece of paper if I'm not sure that people can be with the same person for the rest of their lives?
RainyDayWoman Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 not everyone finds the person they want to marry by the time they are 25. pretty simple. that's all.
Woggle Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 The reason my girlfriend gives makes perfect sense to me and that is why it is not a red flag. However if she were on some marriage bashing kick and talking about how it is an antiquated institution I would run because it would probably mean that she has some radical feminist leanings and that would be a major turnoff. Also single women and married women both assume that the other is unhappy. How do people know that every married women is unhappy or that every single woman is happy? Every person is an individual. If my girlfrine was one of those independent I don't need a man types I would run fast.
shamen Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 However if she were on some marriage bashing kick and talking about how it is an antiquated institution I would run because it would probably mean that she has some radical feminist leanings and that would be a major turnoff. If my girlfrine was one of those independent I don't need a man types I would run fast. Hey Woggle. I do have a bit of the radical feminist in me... I think part of the reason that some men are afraid of women like me is because we are so independent. I don't need a man in my life all the time, seriously. Why is this so frightening? In fact, the last short term ex bf that I had was too needy! Calling me all the time, texting, wanting me to come over all the time, or him to come over here. I wasn't ready for all that. Being alone is perfectly OK sometimes, and to be honest, I'm glad that I know how to do it. After 6 1/2 years of 2 long relationships, I'm happy to be out. I think that it's important to know how to be alone and to comfortable with oneself. Not everyone can do that. For a lot of people, marriage is cool. That's fine. Lots of people in my family are married and I'm happy for them. I, personally, am just not interested. I feel, for me, that it is antiquated. I'm happy to celebrate weddings and such and be happy for my friends that are married. I'm not out there telling them that it is antiquated and bashing them for getting married. Just to set the record straight... Peace.
Woggle Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Hey Woggle. I do have a bit of the radical feminist in me... I think part of the reason that some men are afraid of women like me is because we are so independent. I don't need a man in my life all the time, seriously. Why is this so frightening? In fact, the last short term ex bf that I had was too needy! Calling me all the time, texting, wanting me to come over all the time, or him to come over here. I wasn't ready for all that. Being alone is perfectly OK sometimes, and to be honest, I'm glad that I know how to do it. After 6 1/2 years of 2 long relationships, I'm happy to be out. I think that it's important to know how to be alone and to comfortable with oneself. Not everyone can do that. For a lot of people, marriage is cool. That's fine. Lots of people in my family are married and I'm happy for them. I, personally, am just not interested. I feel, for me, that it is antiquated. I'm happy to celebrate weddings and such and be happy for my friends that are married. I'm not out there telling them that it is antiquated and bashing them for getting married. Just to set the record straight... Peace. It doesn't frighten me at all. It's your life so live it the way you want but you don't sound like the type of woman I would get involved with. Not trying to disrespect you but you don't sound like my type. Some indepednence is good in a woman but that I don't need a man attitude is an instant turnoff to me. I don't like overly dependent women either. I like a good balance which is are with woman these days. It is either one extreme or the other. You either have the aspriring housewives or the too indepedent for love types. I think I have finally a woman with a happy medium and I hope it works out. Then again we have become a divided society where people choose on extreme or the other. Look at the political divide. Many people are either far left or far right when my views are all over the map. I could be in a room with half conservatives and half liberals and the only they would agree on is that they would both be mad at me by the end of the night. Anyway getting back to the point I just want a normal healthy relationship and that is what I think I have found.
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