Stripperiffic Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I’ve been NC with my ex for about 18 days now. At first, I felt rejuvenated and relieved, even as the dumpee. But now I’m starting to miss him more and wish he would text me or show interest. He dumped me back in late July (together for a year and two months) then we reconnected as friends with benefits (although we were very relationshipy-acting together during it) until early October, where he told me he wanted a long term relationship and I’m not long term relationship material to him. He wanted to start dating as early as the following week. He said he still wanted to be friends though, but for the sake of my health, I deleted him off everywhere but my phone and went NC so I can move on. He pretty much used me for sex knowing I still had more feelings than he did for me and dumped me like a hot potato. Now after 2 weeks and almost at 3 weeks, I’m feeling the burn. Just... when does it get easier and I stop missing the guy who isn’t worth my time?
Normm Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 Just... when does it get easier and I stop missing the guy who isn’t worth my time? Based on the information provided I predict that you will start feeling better a week from next Tuesday.
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 Based on the information provided I predict that you will start feeling better a week from next Tuesday. I really hope so. I’m now at a stage where I keep reminiscing about him and missing what we had. Don’t get me wrong, I know I deserve better and what he did was terrible because he took advantage of me. But my heart keeps hoping he’ll text me and rub my ego by missing me and I really despise this torn feeling. ):
Endnote Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 First of all, I'm glad to see that you're willing to admit that this guy is not worth your time. It can be tough when your feelings for someone are very strong just to even consider that they shouldn't be a part of your life. In my experience being with someone for a year is something I consider long-term. There's obviously no formula to be able to get over someone in terms of time. But when you consider the length of time you spent together, along with the degree of the intensity of your relationship, it will take at the very least months. I was with my ex-wife for three and a half years and after we split it took me about a year to get over it. The severe anxiety and depression that accompanied split stuck around for about 3 to 4 months. But even after that it still took another 8 months before I felt some sense of normalcy in my emotions. I found that the time I spent mourning the relationship and accepting some of the terrible things that happened to me (and also some of the things I did that clearly were foolish) was both unpredictable and difficult. By the time the holidays come around it have been 6 months and while I felt better overall I still had moments of loneliness and pain. When you're at this point so early in the process the pain is at its worst.it seems the only thing you can really do to alleviate it is to just stay busy with stuff that can occupy your mind in the meantime. Finding what works for you can be challenging enough but just doing something even if it's just taking a walk can help you feel it less. I'm only 2 months into my break up and everyday still is very difficult despite all the work I've done to make this process as smooth as possible. Remember nothing worth having in life comes easy. Good days and bad will come and go. You will think about them way more than you want to. Remember, it's just part of the process of moving forward to better times. 1
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 (edited) First of all, I'm glad to see that you're willing to admit that this guy is not worth your time. It can be tough when your feelings for someone are very strong just to even consider that they shouldn't be a part of your life.<SNIP> Thank you for the support. I consider it long-term too. We were very close and spoke almost every day for hours. I was his first real relationship and his first for sex and pretty much anything love and long term. I’m not sure if he just doesn’t feel the same way anymore or he has a case of GIGS. Either way, I’m not somebody’s training wheels. I’m sorry for your loss. It always seems harder around the holiday season too... I’ve been reading relationship books and information on no contact, hanging with friends on a daily basis, trying to date (but I think I rather be single for a while). I just get these weak moments I didn’t really have at the beginning of NC and I’m feeling petty and upset about it - especially since I can’t tell if he’s feeling the same. Edited October 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 It's probably going to take you at least a couple months to start consistently feeling better again. But do stick to it. If he mentioned that he wanted to start dating as early as the following week, it was probably because he actually had a date already lined up and was giving you an indirect heads-up in case you found out. It is hard when it's your first real relationship, but know that the first ones are very rarely the best ones. When you've healed and are ready for it, you will likely date a guy who blows this one out of the water.
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 (edited) It's probably going to take you at least a couple months to start consistently feeling better again. But do stick to it. If he mentioned that he wanted to start dating as early as the following week, it was probably because he actually had a date already lined up and was giving you an indirect heads-up in case you found out. It is hard when it's your first real relationship, but know that the first ones are very rarely the best ones. When you've healed and are ready for it, you will likely date a guy who blows this one out of the water. Oh, I'm his first real relationship. He's not mine. I think he's just the worst breakup I've had as I was very emotionally invested in him. I did ask him if he already had someone in mind and why he didn't just let me know earlier... He said he didn't have anybody lined up, but that "it wouldn't be hard on a college campus", lol. You're probably right, though. He probably lied to try to soften the blow. Edited October 23, 2018 by Stripperiffic
PRW Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 First of all, I'm glad to see that you're willing to admit that this guy is not worth your time. I'm just going to use that to leverage off of. If he was worth her time or not, is just opinion. From the situation's description it looks like she was not worth his time so he dropped her to find someone who wanted the same thing he wanted and who he thought would be more suitable to reach his goal. So it sounds like he is thoughtful about his future and made the hard decision that it would take to move him in that direction. Rejection breeds obsession. How to get over the Ex? You get out there and find someone else. Keep the dating light/casual so that there is enough time to think things through before going deeper. Once a new one is found the old will be forgotten about. It is no more complicated than that. One should try to understand what went wrong with the past situation so that the same mistakes don't screw up the new situation. But we don't really know enough about what went on back then.
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 (edited) I'm just going to use that to leverage off of. If he was worth her time or not, is just opinion. From the situation's description it looks like she was not worth his time so he dropped her to find someone who wanted the same thing he wanted and who he thought would be more suitable to reach his goal. So it sounds like he is thoughtful about his future and made the hard decision that it would take to move him in that direction. I wouldn't say that. No cheating or abuse occurred in the relationship - especially not on my part. His main issues with me were my anxiety and he didn't think we had similar enough "values" (the only real example he could give me was our political differences - he's libertarian, I'm liberal. But personally, that wasn't a big deal to me since we didn't talk politics much anyways since it led no where positively). Also, the way he broke up with me was through typing on Discord, hanging up on me, and telling me to "**** off" because he found me irritating... Which he acknowledged was wrong and apologized for after he decided it would be okay to have sex with me without commitment - knowing I had more feelings on my end and all his friends and family were telling him what he was doing to me was wrong and giving me false hope. So yeah. Maybe from his perspective I wasn't worth the time, but it's very clear from my end, he definitely was not worth mine - and that's why I went NC. Granted, I'm not perfect and I acknowledge my anxiety is a real issue that I am working on for myself. Edited October 23, 2018 by Stripperiffic
PRW Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 His main issues with me were my anxiety That is a big one. Guys don't want to be anyone's therapist,...not the kind of guys you want to built a permanent life with anyway. and he didn't think we had similar enough "values" (the only real example he could give me was our political differences - he's libertarian, I'm liberal. But personally, that wasn't a big deal to me since we didn't talk politics much anyways since it led no where positively)That is even a bigger one. Politics and religion are top importance. That is what governs our lives. If you aren't on the same page it will never work. You will eventually fight over everything including how to raise the kids. Liberal and Libertarian are absolute opposites, Conservative is between the two. It may be bad that he lost his temper at one point, but emotions fade, and in the end he made the smart decision for both of you. You should thank him for that. The political divide was uncrossable unless one of the two was willing to give up their position and accept the other's position, otherwise it is just completely incompatible. The two sides will want two completely different kind of countries.
Redhead14 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 (edited) I’ve been NC with my ex for about 18 days now. At first, I felt rejuvenated and relieved, even as the dumpee. But now I’m starting to miss him more and wish he would text me or show interest. <snip> Just... when does it get easier and I stop missing the guy who isn’t worth my time? This can get a little easier if you own your role in this situation -- you accepted getting back together with him in an FWB situation knowing that you, yourself, had stronger feelings for him. He didn't use you. You allowed yourself to be in the situation too. He didn't drop you like a hot potato, he got really honest with himself and you. You should forgive him and forgive yourself and start being the "single", independent woman you can be. Get really busy with fun things, friends, family. That relationship doesn't deserve this kind of power over you. Edited October 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 That is a big one. Guys don't want to be anyone's therapist,...not the kind of guys you want to built a permanent life with anyway. That is even a bigger one. Politics and religion are top importance. That is what governs our lives. If you aren't on the same page it will never work. You will eventually fight over everything including how to raise the kids. Liberal and Libertarian are absolute opposites, Conservative is between the two. It may be bad that he lost his temper at one point, but emotions fade, and in the end he made the smart decision for both of you. You should thank him for that. The political divide was uncrossable unless one of the two was willing to give up their position and accept the other's position, otherwise it is just completely incompatible. The two sides will want two completely different kind of countries. He wasn't my therapist and I didn't treat him as such. He just didn't like reassuring me. Which is fine, he's not that type of person which I know now. Something as simple as "Why don't you like calling me baby?" triggered him to tell me to "stfu". I mean, I have tons of screenshots I saved as reminders of these bad times so I wouldn't be tempted to contact him. I can get my anxiety can make me insecure, but never did I attempt to use him as a therapist. I find it kind of odd you're quick to make snap judgments of my behavior. He's already told me himself why we didn't work and that's all I need. We agreed on religion. Politics is only a problem if somebody is HEAVILY passionate in it - which he was and he didn't like how we didn't speak about it. Fair enough. I personally found that to be a lame excuse, because I've been in relationships with people who didn't agree with me politically before and it never affected us. But that's just how we're incompatible because in his case, it was different. But for the same guy who complained about how insanely liberal everybody at his university is, he was definitely eager to date those girls who have a 99% chance of being liberal too, lol. They were just little reasons hiding the real, big reason. The real big reason being behind all the things he mentioned is he wasn't in love with me and probably had GIGS. It's really that simple and not that deep. He did do me a favor by dumping me and stopping our FWB relationship though - he helped me realize my worth. There were many times he told me he knew he was wasting my time, asked what did I see in him, and confessed he was only "messing with my heart" by doing this to me. He had guilt for a reason, but I was too blind to accept it. I'm not looking to get back together with him and I don't need help figuring out what went wrong between us. I just want to know when on average the feelings of missing an ex start to fade during the NC process since I'm already 18 days in and the missing your ex stage is only hitting me now. You mentioned finding somebody else, but I'm not really looking for that right now. I've been on dates, but I kind of want to remain single for the time being.
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 This can get a little easier if you own your role in this situation -- you accepted getting back together with him in an FWB situation knowing that you, yourself, had stronger feelings for him. He didn't use you. You allowed yourself to be in the situation too. He didn't drop you like a hot potato, he got really honest with himself and you. You should forgive him and forgive yourself and start being the "single", independent woman you can be. Get really busy with fun things, friends, family. That relationship doesn't deserve this kind of power over you. It's true... I did allow myself to be in that situation out of weakness on my part. I wanted to keep him by my side longer and used his interest in sex with me for that. We acted really relationshipy as FWB. Not just sex, but behavior wise. Deep down, I always knew it wasn't healthy. I would sometimes ask him, "Would you really come down and see me even if we didn't have sex?" He would say "Yes, ofc", but I knew. Yet, I still feel used and I don't think it's wrong of me to feel that way. He knew I had more feelings and he admitted to wasting my time. He should have said no a long time ago, not until he decided he was ready to start dating. That's why I feel taken advantage of. I was in severe denial at the time, but now it's easier to analyze how I felt and what I was doing now that I'm no longer looking at it through rose-colored glasses. Ending us being FWB was ultimately the best thing for the both of us. You're right though, it doesn't deserve to have that power of me. Thank you. 1
kpv619 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I’ve been NC with my ex for about 18 days now. At first, I felt rejuvenated and relieved, even as the dumpee. But now I’m starting to miss him more and wish he would text me or show interest. He dumped me back in late July (together for a year and two months) then we reconnected as friends with benefits (although we were very relationshipy-acting together during it) until early October, where he told me he wanted a long term relationship and I’m not long term relationship material to him. He wanted to start dating as early as the following week. He said he still wanted to be friends though, but for the sake of my health, I deleted him off everywhere but my phone and went NC so I can move on. He pretty much used me for sex knowing I still had more feelings than he did for me and dumped me like a hot potato. Now after 2 weeks and almost at 3 weeks, I’m feeling the burn. Just... when does it get easier and I stop missing the guy who isn’t worth my time? From my experience, there isn't a day where you magically wake up feeling better. It seems to be a continuous healing process. Just remember that although some days are more difficult than others, things will get easier each and every week. Stay strong.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 What helps people--and definitely has helped me--is to head in the direction a previous poster pointed you in: take responsibility for getting involved with someone who wasn't good for you, couldn't give you what you want ... and then who ... despite your compromises ... dumped you. Now, by taking responsibility, I don't mean blame yourself. I mean it a lot more analytically than that ... Literally, this is a great time to go back in time ... and identify where you ignored red flags, when you put up with rude behavior ... and think about those moments .... And what you want to do is then imagine taking a clear stand, or saying no, or "running" at those moments when red flags appeared. Think about ... and I mean non-judgmentally ... what changes you can make or need to make in yourself and in your life such that you wouldn't fall prey to someone like this. Sometimes the problem is you might be applying a forgiving standard to people BEFORE they have earned a forgiving standard ... before they have shown that they are worthy of a forgiving standard. A friend of mine would get burned by guys repeatedly and just could not figure out why ... until she realized ... she was trusting guys BEFORE they had earned her trust. She got into some habit of giving trust early on ... before the guy had shown himself to be a really trustworthy person. She learned to see trust-giving as a gift ... not someone you randomly hand out to anyone on the street. Anyway, this is a process that has helped me speed up letting go people and has helped some of my friends speed up the process.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 OP, the more you write, the more I have to wonder what kind of immature person you were dealing with even before the break-up. Was he in the habit of cussing you out?
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 OP, the more you write, the more I have to wonder what kind of immature person you were dealing with even before the break-up. Was he in the habit of cussing you out? Only when annoyed at me and when we weren’t face to face. He started doing it mostly near the end of our relationship and throughout our FWB situation when bothered. He never insulted me personally besides saying I’m annoying or irritating. He would also threaten to not visit me some weekends and not speak to me for a couple of days if he was bothered. And he constantly reminded me how he didn’t want to cater to my anxiety by reassuring me of things, lol. I didn’t curse him out at all. Even when he was nasty, I was afraid of upsetting him further or him disappearing on me. I tolerated a lot more than I should have because of that.
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 But yeah, I find myself missing the good times before July, when he told me he loved me and called me baby or baby girl all the time. When things were good, they were really good. I have to keep reminding myself of the way he treated me towards the end and how he is now. If he missed me, he’d text me. But he doesn’t so I need to move on. It’s just so much easier said than done. ):
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 (edited) What helps people--and definitely has helped me--is to head in the direction a previous poster pointed you in: take responsibility for getting involved with someone who wasn't good for you, couldn't give you what you want .<SNIP> Thank you, this is super helpful! I’ve taken this time apart to really see the reality of the situation. I did decide to keep screenshots of bad conversations as reminders of mean behavior I tolerated because I would forgive him before he ever deserved it. I think I can really relate to your friend and it’s this part of the process that’s keeping me grounded and from breaking NC. Edited October 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
PRW Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I'm not looking to get back together with him and I don't need help figuring out what went wrong between us. I just want to know when on average the feelings of missing an ex start to fade during the NC process since I'm already 18 days in and the missing your ex stage is only hitting me now. That was in my first post to you. Yes, you need to know what went wrong so you don't keep repeating the situation over and over. People tend to do exactly that because they won't look are what went wrong. Relevant quote from my first post.Rejection breeds obsession. How to get over the Ex? You get out there and find someone else. Keep the dating light/casual so that there is enough time to think things through before going deeper. Once a new one is found the old will be forgotten about. It is no more complicated than that. One should try to understand what went wrong with the past situation so that the same mistakes don't screw up the new situation.
Gretchen12 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I don't think you're missing him as much as you're wondering why he isn't missing you. The NC timeline varies because some people do NC while still wanting to hear from the ex. When that's the case, it goes on much longer, until you really don't want to hear from him anymore. It's hitting you now because you feel not only he has done you wrong, but now, what, after not hearing from you for so long, he's just ok with that? like you never mattered?! Well, you have not think that way. You know you are not right for each other, so try to be more goal oriented. The goal is to separate and that has happened.
Author Stripperiffic Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 I don't think you're missing him as much as you're wondering why he isn't missing you. The NC timeline varies because some people do NC while still wanting to hear from the ex. When that's the case, it goes on much longer, until you really don't want to hear from him anymore. It's hitting you now because you feel not only he has done you wrong, but now, what, after not hearing from you for so long, he's just ok with that? like you never mattered?! Well, you have not think that way. You know you are not right for each other, so try to be more goal oriented. The goal is to separate and that has happened. You're right. I think I'm still in shock that he doesn't even want to check up on me, considering our history and how much I loved him. I tried my hardest to treat him very well and I know I won't be easy to forget because I'm his first. I'm just annoyed he was that willing to let me out of his life. I at least deserved a fight, even if I denied him, even if I don't want him back. I might be confusing my emotions here. I can at least say that today is day 19 and I am definitely missing him less and less. These feelings just come in motions.
sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I just hit 30 days from the breakup and I still consider being on no contact for all of those days despite tossing a letter in the mail around the 3 week mark for my own closure. I'd say milestones are rough like today was one of the rougher days of the past couple weeks, but compared to the first two weeks I feel incredible. I'd say get through the first month of no contact and I'm hoping when month two milestone comes around I won't even remember its the two-month mark. If i do then I'm sure even if its a rough day it won't be as rough as today. Just take it one day at a time and let the good days start stringing themselves together. Hang in there. Just remember there's always things in life that are for certain. 1. If a guys gonna treat you like that then you deserve better and will for sure find better, I promise you that. Theres a lot of good guys out there that would never do what he did to you. 2. Time really does heal all wounds even if the wounds leave a scar. 3. Always remember any object and I mean ANY objects has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint if you drive your car into it. Keep your head up!
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