Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 I’m genuinely interested in why you feel he is only in the marriage for the kids etc. many MM tell their OW they are “staying for the kids” and many people tell them it’s a crock of $h*t. So I’m genuinely intrigued by the diffrence of opinions here. TIA The BS and OW have different perspectives. The OW wants to know if the affair has any real future, hence the interest in "staying for the kids". Come DDay, the BS knows that, under current terms, the marriage has no future. So the "truth" of these types of promises matters a lot more to an OW than it does to a BS... Mr. Lucky
pepperbird Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 I fully believe he got on the wrong path 6-7 years ago and I am committed to my marriage and the vows we took. I believe in him, I love this man with my whole heart. I am looking for advice on how to love and support him and show him I’m committed to our marriage and our family. This is our life and I do not feel the right choice is to just throw it all away. OP, I am so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It's such a lonely place to be. It reminds me of the story of Pandora's Box, but in your case, the hope that was kept inside may actually be worse than the troubles released. I know you want to save your marriage, and have been there myself. The question I had to ask was whether or not he was showing me his true self. when he cheated. In my spouse's case, for reasons I won't go into here, I know he wasn't. If you want a piece of advice for reconciling, it's acceptance. Accepting he cheated and lied to you, even if just by omission, can be a really bitter pill. You can't change what he did. The second problem I see is that, unless he has some sort of epiphany, it sounds to me like he doesn't really see much of a problem with what he did. That may change, but until it does, you can never be 'safe", because he will always have part of his mind open to cheating, should the opportunity arise. Counseling is important, but like I said, unless he sees what he did as wrong and hurtful, he won't care and he won't change. Can you live with that?
bmh Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 The BS and OW have different perspectives. The OW wants to know if the affair has any real future, hence the interest in "staying for the kids". Come DDay, the BS knows that, under current terms, the marriage has no future. So the "truth" of these types of promises matters a lot more to an OW than it does to a BS... Mr. Lucky Thank you! I like the way you put it!
portwine49 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 I think if you are committed and he is not, and has not been, than the rose colored glasses of wanting the happy marriage you both vowed to commit to is unrealistic at this juncture. You want to hear there is hope from this forum, and perhaps there is a miracle but when he took the vows, were you agreeable to tolerate these emotional affairs and him having an affair with the "love of his life"? It's in his nature to put others before you and he has had your unconditional love and support to do just that. Do you think he respects that? You speak to prayer as if perhaps you have a faith and maybe a community at church that might be able to better assist this situation. I'm sure there are many marriages that have been through this and with time, and counseling, may have healed. In your case, I truly believe by now communicating with his mistress and having all cards on the table, it's only going to enable him to do what he wants with his emotional decisions in lieu of respecting you or your marital vows. Thats not a good recipe for rebuilding trust or embarking on steps to rebuild your marriage.l He has to want it to and from the sounds of it, he checked out a long time ago.
Mrs._December Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 I really don't understand why so many betrayed spouses just continually roll over every time they catch their lying, cheating spouse up to no good. In your case, all you've done is roll over every time your cheater has kicked you in the face with his yet another show of disrespect. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results. He cheats on you, you catch him, you scream and cry and then 'give him the gift of reconciliation' and he goes right back out and screws around again. You find out, you scream and cry, re-gift that same ridiculous offer of 'reconciliation' and the cycle just repeats itself over and over and over. I’ve heard the “love but not in love with you” many times.So the guy continually cheats on you, disrespects you to your core, TELLS you that he's not in love with you and here you are, crossing your fingers, ignoring the writing on the wall, and keeping your head buried in the sand because it's so nice and warm around your ears. I mean, I GET that you're in denial and will continue to roll over for him and are hoping for stories from others who are also willing to continually sacrifice their own pride and dignity in order to cling to their cheaters. There are several high profile infidelity boards where self delusion is pretty much the rule of the land, so they're out there and you'll find like-minded individuals who are in your situation. I'll just say good luck to you. 1
RosannaTMI Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 I am the Other Woman and his wife has known about me for number of years. She is also in denial. We had few dozens instances in the last few years that our relationship was right in her face. She usually explodes, asks for answers. He doesn't give her any answers ( I think), and then life goes on. I think she likes things as they are. He is taking care of her financially, she is happy with her lifestyle and he is there for her every day. I think she just shut down part of her brain that deals with complexity of reality perception and concentrates only on her chunk of reality with him. There are certain things he has to do and certain time he has to be at home. She doesn't bother with whatever he does beyond those hours that he is with her, and I think that keeps saving her marriage. He is not letting go of me and not letting go of the marriage, and it works if this is what you want. He will never be able to commit to you fully and neither to the other women, he is committed to himself. Women and children in his life are just pawns on the chess board. If you can live with that, it is possible...
Recommended Posts