FaithfulInLove Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 (edited) Hello everyone, I am new to the community and hope I can get some advice from you. My ex-fiance (long distance) and me are broken up for over a year. Let me just mention he suffers Borderline Personality Disorder, which means his reactions are sometimes really strong if something hurts him. He gets hurt easily and heavily - which I barely understood during our relationship. Our break up has been about one thing that nobody else considered as a real reason (he felt put second on a special occasion). But it has hurt him so much he sais his trust is broken - he has probably felt put second throughout the whole relationship because of one other thing in my life that was too important to me. Since I've lost him I educated myself about his illness and since I can understand him better, I really am ready to put him first always, so I changed for him. Our relationship issue would be completely solved, but still ... his trust is broken and he doesn't want me back at the moment. I've been working with several relationship coaches and therapists. The issue is: My ex jumps in and out of other relationships (3 so far within a year and without a warning, it has always been a shock for me) and I suffer a lot because I still love him like on day one. I've been told this is probably for control reasons. He kind of enjoys that I'm still hung up on him. I am doing everything to keep a friendship working and that we don't lose touch, so we are texting daily - the last thing I want is losing him out of my life. Whenever he is in a relationship he goes more and more silent on me... He does not hesitate locking people out of his life for good and he tried this with me, too, several times, but always let me back in because I kept trying and told him he meant a lot to me. Still I feel he is still attached, too. He also never said that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I am going out on dates myself but haven't been in a relationship since our break up - because I just want him. His last break up happened very recently. Today he told me that for now he doesn't want to have another relationship and he just wants to focus on himself. I think he has told me this because he has felt my agenda of giving us another chance. I have been so honest, I told him I just wanna find someone who can make me feel like he did and also that I'd be wishing still that we could work this out - but that I see this is not possible... I've been adviced - as a plan to get him more interested again - to stop investing more than he does. Always invest a little less, keep my texts shorter, stop smothering him... he mustn't be sure what I'm feeling/get scared of losing me and be the wone who works to get me back... After hearing all this, what do you think? Do I still have a chance if I stick to that plan? Is that plan a good one and my only chance? And was it okay that I have been that open to him so he can trust me more again? Thank you all for listening and for any kind of advice on getting him back. Faithful In Love Edited October 23, 2018 by FaithfulInLove
stillafool Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 You say he jumps in and out of relationships but isn't showing any interest in being back in a relationship with you. Of course he is not going to stay in contact with you when he is involved with another girl and in a relationship. Regardless of his BPD he still seeks out relationships but again,not with you. It is obvious that you are wasting your time chasing this guy and the chase is probably turning him off because he's not interested. We don't always get what we want or who we want in this life and acceptance of this fact will save you a lot of frustration. I agree you should back off and go NC but not to get his attention (because it doesn't work when they are no longer interested) but to help you move on and get over your obsession of him.
Author FaithfulInLove Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 Hey stillafool, it isn't so. When I do not contact him for long enough he'll always get back to me. He still made the effort to come and see me to an event we've planned before he met someone new, so it's not that bad. He still seems to enjoy having me around and while he often takes long to text me back, he lashes out if I do the same thing to him - that shows me that in some way I'm still important, elsewise he wouldn't even notice/care about if I text him back fast or not. We agree on this friendship and I never wanna give up on this and on the hope of having a relationship in the future. What do you think?
FMW Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 "Since I've lost him I educated myself about his illness and since I can understand him better, I really am ready to put him first always, so I changed for him. Our relationship issue would be completely solved......" Changing for him is a bad idea. You may be feeling desperate right now to get him back and willing to do anything, but do you want to mold yourself around whatever issue he is having at the moment on an ongoing basis? I don't think you could keep that up without resenting him and resentment kills relationships.
frigginlost Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 As someone who was in a relationship with someone who had BPD, I caution you in the strongest way possible. Your post is alarming because it is *you* who changed for him. He has made zero effort to change himself for you. "Understanding" him more after reading up on BPD does nothing. Absolutely nothing. No matter how much you have studied, no matter how much you think you "get" him, the fact is you will never find the mid point with him regarding his "engulfment and abandonment" reactions. You are setting yourself up for a miserable life trying to find that spot. It does not exist. The fact that he is jumping from relationship to relationship should be a nuclear red flag to you... 2
Author FaithfulInLove Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 Hello, do you hear me? I am sure about him! I changed because I was ready to do this. I think we do deserve a second chance. Since may we didn't have any kind of fight we couldn't resolve within a few days of me letting him be. I'm aware of the chaos and what I'm getting myself into here. I love that man. I think we do deserve a second chance and I believe that deep down inside he still has feelings for me too, that at the moment he's just too scared because things hurt him too much in the past. I am here to find a way to resolve this and get closer to him/to get motivation in the process. I see this can't be solved within a day, I'm ready for the long game. What do you think? Is there a chance if I keep trying? Break up was past August, until April he told me he does have feelings for me, even with a relationship in-between and there was a long time we both wanted to try and work this out. It's trust issues being in his way.
frigginlost Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 Yes, I hear you. I also feel sorry for you, but that is either here nor there. As someone who has dealt with a BPD partner through breakup after breakup, you only have one option: Ignore him. That's it. Completely ignore him. He will come back in time but not for the reasons you think. He will come back because he has the maturity of a 4 year old. While you're waiting for him to circle back around to you, do some reading on Co-dependency...
Author FaithfulInLove Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 I'm quite disappointed to be honest. I am in therapy and reading about all the issues had for over a year. I know that I'm having issues with codependency but if I decide to go for this relationship, I think you should not tell me I shouldn't. I was hoping for help and more understanding answers in a forum like this. I think this is to support each other. This thread is about getting him back and I'm not here for "run, this is not healthy" advice. Good luck to you all in your situations. Heal and move on if that's what you want from your life. What I want is him. I see I'm in danger of leading a miserable life. But l see when I follow your advice I'm in danger of losing him for good. Goodbye LovesHack Faithful InLove 1
frigginlost Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 No, what you want is to hear is something that supports your stance on your issue. Support/Advice is given from both sides of the spectrum; the good *and* the bad. Having been in your position, I'm giving you the reality of my past experiences. It is up to you to take what is given and either listen to it, or not. I take no offence if you disagree. It is your life to live. Best of luck to you.
SerPundnes Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 Your plan is to lure him back to you by playing mind-games with him? Games played by 16 year olds? If you want him back, sure, go play mind-games with him. I'm sure he'll come back, as sure as I am he'll be gone within a month or two again because you're not playing with him anymore and he gets bored. I have to agree with other posters here, you should let this guy go. Start with NC, and your feelings for him will eventually disappear, then you can find someone more suited for you. Best of luck.
healing light Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Frigginlost has been there, done that. You are setting yourself up for a life of misery. If you get him, you'll always be walking on eggshells because you'll never, ever be able to predict what minor issue will set him off and have him throw the relationship away. Again. In the meantime, you'll become a shell of yourself trying to predict, analyze, avoid any potential trigger until you won't even recognize yourself anymore. And that's IF he decides to give you another chance, which he very well may not. If he doesn't, you've just wasted months and years of your life second-guessing everything, thinking if only I do X he might do Y, and your self-esteem will take a complete nosedive as he shacks up with woman after woman. This is a recipe for disaster. I'll give you my assessment: no, there is no chance of a viable, long-term healthy relationship. Slight chance of him coming back, but I doubt it, and it won't last long unless you're willing to give away any healthy sense of boundaries. Move on to someone else that you may actually have a chance of happiness with... 1
Author FaithfulInLove Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 I feel disrespected. I wonder if you read my thread/my questions. I did not ask if I should move on or how I can kill my feelings for him. All I wanted to know is if my approach was the best way possible to get another chance. Maybe I've been choosing the wrong board for these kind of questions? I am aware of all you said, but it is not what I have asked you about. For the ones who feel like me and who don't wanna give up after only a year: I am surprised myself, but after seemingly thinking about my words a lot, last night he gave me the answer I wanted to hear: It is still possible that we can work this out, he said, without me asking him again. It sounds like a chance and I'll go for it. You move on if that's what you think what's best for you. I am someone who doesn't just drop an ill partner for hurting, being confused and trying to find his way in this life. A hint about how to delete my profile would be appreciated - is there a way? I don't feel listened to on here.
indeliblex Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I'm quite disappointed to be honest. I am in therapy and reading about all the issues had for over a year. I know that I'm having issues with codependency but if I decide to go for this relationship, I think you should not tell me I shouldn't. I was hoping for help and more understanding answers in a forum like this. I think this is to support each other. This thread is about getting him back and I'm not here for "run, this is not healthy" advice. Good luck to you all in your situations. Heal and move on if that's what you want from your life. What I want is him. I see I'm in danger of leading a miserable life. But l see when I follow your advice I'm in danger of losing him for good. Goodbye LovesHack Faithful InLove I agree with you completely. I also posted a thread and got replies telling me to run and move on - but im just not ready to do that. I think you should stick through it, until you mentally cant anymore - and you will know yourself when that is. I've read enough after my break up to know that reconciliation is possible and I honestly respect and admire anyone who sticks through it even when it seems everyone/everything is against the situation.
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