fixandfix Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 Here's the context, my bf and I have been dating for 7 years. But we rarely meet each other's friends because we'd prefer to spend time alone. I've met his friends a couple of times - attended his friend's baby bash and dinner. Recently, a group of my friends wanted to hang out together as couples - 5 couples together. I asked my boyfriend to join but he was a bit reluctant. He said he was very shy and didn't feel comfortable around people and he doesn't like to socialize - which is true to some extent. Also, he's still looking for a job and he's afraid about how to answer when my friends ask about his job (I wanted to let my friends know in advance not to ask in case it hurt his feelings). On saturday, he agreed to meet. But today when I asked, he suddenly turned cold turkey. And after a short argument, he agreed to meet. I don't know how to feel about this. I told him that I feel he doesn't want to participate in my life and he said, it's not the case. It is just he doesn't know how to act around strangers and that he has no confidence in himself. His previous job required him to socialize and he told me that he was very tired (prior to me asking him to meet my friends) so I know the part is true. But I just feel very lousy to know that he is so reluctant to meet them. Should I just cancel and not turn up? Or just go ahead?
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 He has anxiety, so don't take it personally. This has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Best thing you can do is to do this slowly, like have one couple over for dinner at your place. That will be more comfortable for him to start. Then over time add another couple to hang out, and so on. 1
grassisorisntgreener Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 7 years? I feel like after all this time, your friends should already be his friends... and vice versa...
MidwestUSA Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 You have much bigger problems than this. Your bf is chronically unemployed and is abusive. He takes his frustrations out on you. Have you spent seven years hoping he will change or that you can 'fix' him? Get out now; this will only get worse.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 You have much bigger problems than this. Your bf is chronically unemployed and is abusive. He takes his frustrations out on you. This. OP, I took a look through your past threads. Do your friends know your boyfriend has abused you? That is more than likely why he won't show his face around them, in case they know about his violent side with you. Him not wanting to hang out with them pales in comparison to the other serious issues between you. 3
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 His refusal to meet your friends is just one more in a long list of reasons why you should not let 7 wasted years turn into 8. 1
Hopeful30 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I think the right thing to do is go without your boyfriend. I understand where he is coming from in the job front. Men want to be men, and that usually means bringing home the bacon, being the breadwinner, or in some way contributing to the relationship. Since hes shy, being a charmer obviously isnt a strength, so i can see why he might be reluctant. I personally can understand your bf. He doesnt have much to bring to the table, yet he needs to establish himself among 5 couples. I would want to wait until im in a better place too... especially since it will also reflect on you. Please dont badger him about this. If he goes out of you nagging him, it will only make matters worse.
Hopeful30 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 This. OP, I took a look through your past threads. Do your friends know your boyfriend has abused you? That is more than likely why he won't show his face around them, in case they know about his violent side with you. Him not wanting to hang out with them pales in comparison to the other serious issues between you. Ok scratch what I said, I didnt know the circumstances of your relationship. If hes abusive, its likely he assumes youve shared this with your friends, so now not only does he not have anything to bring to the table, hes stained the table itself! If he abuses you, what makes you think he will respect anything else in your life if not YOU yourself?
Redhead14 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 FixandFix, your handle suits this situation - you want to fix this guy. It's out of your skillset. Send him home to his parents so they can finish the job they started and were doing badly.
Author fixandfix Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 Sorry guys. I didn’t update you all about what happened last tims. After the incident we talked about it and he revealed that he was being physically and verbally abused at workplace. Like his boss would hit and hurl abusive words at him. But cos we’re thinking of getting a flat so he stayed on but he didn’t know how to let out his emotions. We talked about it and that that is no way to let it out on me. So he decided to let his uper management know about this but they believed the person who abused him instead. My bf can either chose to leave or stay. He decided to leave because he knew if he stayed on we’d end up breaking up. So he chose to leave that’s why he’s jobless now. My friends knew that he left to salvage our relationship so they let it go as well. He said he really wanted to meet my friends but the thought that the convo will talk about work, he’s feeling very down about it
Redhead14 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Sorry guys. I didn’t update you all about what happened last tims. After the incident we talked about it and he revealed that he was being physically and verbally abused at workplace. Like his boss would hit and hurl abusive words at him. But cos we’re thinking of getting a flat so he stayed on but he didn’t know how to let out his emotions. We talked about it and that that is no way to let it out on me. So he decided to let his uper management know about this but they believed the person who abused him instead. My bf can either chose to leave or stay. He decided to leave because he knew if he stayed on we’d end up breaking up. So he chose to leave that’s why he’s jobless now. My friends knew that he left to salvage our relationship so they let it go as well. He said he really wanted to meet my friends but the thought that the convo will talk about work, he’s feeling very down about it Fix, you are making excuses for him and in denial. Your thread titled: Bf's in and out of job for several years talks about issues/politics backstabbing, etc. at jobs he has taken also. He didn't chose to leave this job to save the relationship. He doesn't really want to work. You are not happy in the relationship. There are other issues as well. You don't love this man, you love who you wish he would be. You can do better. This man is not going to be able to support a family/marriage. 1
Malin889 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 7 Years? He should be a part of your life. He should know all your friends and family. This should not be an issue. It's a bit disturbing that after all this time, he doesn't know or want to get to know your friends.
Malin889 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Fix - I just read your other post about him shoving food into your mouth and pulling at your ear - https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/646943-loss-my-relationship-right-now. That really disturbed me. At the end you say "he's great other than this." ???? Seriously Fix, you need to leave this relationship. He is horribly abusive and you deserve better. Please - can you go live with your parents or some of the friends you mention in this thread? You need to tell the people in your life how horrible he has been to you so they can help you. 1
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