qwerty_only Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 Hey guys, I’ve been dating a girl at work for nearly a month now. Initially things were going really well- she was really into me and me genuinely being busy during that period worked well. After our fourth date, things started to change. I was now initiating the texting more. She did invite me over to her place and introduce me to housemates etc once, but there were also times she cancelled last minute. Overall vibe definitely less positive and more mixed than before. This made my frustrated and some of my texts became passive aggressive - telling her to meet without directly asking if she wants to. Recently she called me out on this pretty angrily over text, to which I’ve not replied. I really want to apologise and speak face to face even if we don’t date again- as we work together. On the small chance this is just miscommunication and she is still interested, I would also want to get back to how things were before. What’s the best way to go about this and how long should I wait before contacting (if ever)?
Mardelis Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 Never, ever date a coworker who you will see on a regular basis. Most relationships don't work out and when you're stuck being in contact with them it's awkward to say the least and a nightmare at the very worst. I don't know about the rest of it which is mostly game playing and you already know that.
jjbarr19 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 Hey guys, I’ve been dating a girl at work for nearly a month now. Initially things were going really well- she was really into me and me genuinely being busy during that period worked well. After our fourth date, things started to change. I was now initiating the texting more. She did invite me over to her place and introduce me to housemates etc once, but there were also times she cancelled last minute. Overall vibe definitely less positive and more mixed than before. This made my frustrated and some of my texts became passive aggressive - telling her to meet without directly asking if she wants to. Recently she called me out on this pretty angrily over text, to which I’ve not replied. I really want to apologise and speak face to face even if we don’t date again- as we work together. On the small chance this is just miscommunication and she is still interested, I would also want to get back to how things were before. What’s the best way to go about this and how long should I wait before contacting (if ever)? My response would be to simply say that you had a great time with her but clearly things aren’t going smoothly as before. Then tell her that you would still like to be amicable since you both work with each other, but that you are also moving on because if things are rocky now, things won’t get any easier later. That makes you look like the bigger person, she also then looks at you with more respect and you take the initiative to move on from something that isn’t working out. I’ve been there before, where things seem to go smooth and then all of a sudden they don’t. But please don’t try to milk it, it’ll be so emotionally draining for you and make things much worse. Keep it simple, you’re not dating officially but let her know that it’s over.
Gretchen12 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 Basically the problem was you. You know that. When you said that you being busy "worked well", I thought that was troubling. Is there a side of you that's more laid back? If you want to contact her, forget what happened before. You're ready to accept this whole thing ending anyway, so why not just relax and be fun? You've been too serious about getting attention and moving this thing forward. Texting stresses you out because you need to wait for a reply. So try to avoid that. Talk to her at work and don't mention anything about what happened before, about her losing interest, etc. Just be friendly. Once she sees that you are safe, you can ask her out again. Try to just enjoy each other's company.
PRW Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 After our fourth date, things started to change. I was now initiating the texting more. This is where you lost you sh*t. Your texting should have been minimal all along. It is her texting that should be increasing at this point. Your's should only mirror hers. Of course this is just an indication of the bigger problem that you started to get smothering,...or at least gotten way too "hungry". Overall vibe definitely less positive and more mixed than before.Because of the above situation. This made my frustrated and some of my texts became passive aggressive - telling her to meet without directly asking if she wants to. Recently she called me out on this pretty angrily over text, to which I’ve not replied. You got smothering, too hungry,...she pulled away because of it,...then you had a text tantrum. I really want to apologise and speak face to face even if we don’t date again- as we work together.Stop BS'ing. You want to say whatever you think you can say that will "fix" things so that you can date her again and live happily ever after. Gretchen12 made a great point when she said: Originally Posted by Gretchen12 Talk to her at work and don't mention anything about what happened before, about her losing interest, etc. Just be friendly. Once she sees that you are safe, you can ask her out again. Try to just enjoy each other's company. Apologizing often is just an admission of guilt and sprinkles salt in the wound by reminding the person of it by bringing up the past, although context matters. Some things warrant and apology, while smaller things are best just left alone. That is why what Gretchen said is so important,...face-to-face, no texting,...and moving forward, not bringing up the past.
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 You did something to turn her off...I don't think she's thirsty enough to come back to it. 1
Author qwerty_only Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 thanks for the advice all. To clarify, although we work at the same place, it is in different building and teams so I don't see her day to day unless by chance. This makes speaking face to face difficult. I'm thinking of just calling in a few days and trying to arrange coffee. But who know if she'll pick up.
Normm Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 What do you mean you told her to meet instead of asking her? Sounds like you were being somewhat controlling and demanding.
Author qwerty_only Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 What do you mean you told her to meet instead of asking her? Sounds like you were being somewhat controlling and demanding. Yeah I kind of asked her to join me at events etc. without phrasing it as a polite question. This is really unlike me - usually I'm really light-hearted and easy-going -but I guess being really into her and getting mixed signals made me slightly bitter which I now regret a lot. Any way to recover from this, or if nothing then at least end on good terms? I'm also feeling that not replying to her calling me out is rude. Thinking of calling in a few days. It sucks as I actually like her a lot- which is perhaps why I messed up.
ChatroomHero Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 "She did invite me over to her place and introduce me to housemates etc once, but there were also times she cancelled last minute." Did she apologize for this? I mean it's not great of you got aggressive or a bit disrespectful to her, but how I read it was she acted sh*tty to you, you acted a little sh*tty back, then she called you out. She treated you as option B or C, then when you get upset and say something or give it back, you get called out. If you reply, be honest. Apologize for what you did but say tell her you acted that way because the last minute cancellations wasn't really respectful to you. Being passive aggressive isn't ever really going to help you, but the truth based on what you wrote is you basically gave her the same respect she gave you. Once you get to that point you are probably doomed anyway, but she should at least understand she's living in a glass house with a handful of rocks when she is calling you out. Say you're sorry and that you acted out from the lack of respect she was showing and should have handled it differently, it was out of character. Tell her dating didn't work out but that it shouldn't stop you or her from being friendly and putting it behind you at work and moving on as friends. Then forget about her and find someone that cares about your time and cares enough not to treat you as option B or C.
snowcones Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I really want to apologise and speak face to face even if we don’t date again- as we work together. On the small chance this is just miscommunication and she is still interested, I would also want to get back to how things were before. Say exactly this
OnlyHonesty Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Say exactly this This is what happened. She used to chase your validation, you gave it to her and she lost interest. After that happened you became angry because she no longer rubbed your ego. In short, it was a shallow connection and she became bored.
PRW Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Yeah I kind of asked her to join me at events etc. without phrasing it as a polite question. Phrasing it as an imperative is not rude unless it was done in an angry tone of voice. Personally I never "ask" for a date,...I always "offer" the date as an opportunity. I'll say,..."Let's go to blah blah" Any way to recover from this, or if nothing then at least end on good terms? You have already been told what to do several times by several people. Leave it alone, don't "pick at the scab" by going on a hand-wringing "apology tour" that just makes you look weak. Leave it alone and move forward. A week from now she won't even care and will barely remember it.
losangelena Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I don't understand why seeing her face-to-face is difficult? She works nearby. How hard is it to have lunch together or see her after work? Half your problem is that your communication is playing out over text. 2
Normm Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 Yeah I kind of asked her to join me at events etc. without phrasing it as a polite question. Still not understanding what you said and how you said it. You went from "I told her to meet me" back to "I kind of asked her to join me". It's all about the words and the context and in order to determine what sort of reaction she had it would be helpful to know exactly what you said to her.
kendahke Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 this is the reason why I always say "don't poop where you eat" Dude, she's let you know that her interest has died. Move on. Keep it professional at work, but don't be a pest or stare at her from across the room, searching her for "why why why". And for everything that is holy and good, stop playing passive/aggressive games. That's what immature people do.l
Author qwerty_only Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 Still not understanding what you said and how you said it. You went from "I told her to meet me" back to "I kind of asked her to join me". It's all about the words and the context and in order to determine what sort of reaction she had it would be helpful to know exactly what you said to her. To clarify, it went like this- 'Drinks at X. Join me'. to which she said no as she was out of town for the week. Then I said 'Enjoy. Get me something' from the place she was visiting. Explicitly nothing rude about this, but was enough for her to reply complaining that I keep asking her to do stuff without asking if she wants to. Looking now I don't think I was rude at all- perhaps she's just looking for reasons to get angry and is unhappy with me/ other stuff. Who knows. Planning to call in a few days - no contact for a week now - then arranging coffee.
kendahke Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 To clarify, it went like this- 'Drinks at X. Join me'. to which she said no as she was out of town for the week. Then I said 'Enjoy. Get me something' from the place she was visiting. Explicitly nothing rude about this, To you... but you weren't on the receiving end of it and it was admittedly sent when you were playing passive/aggressive games, so you're really not in a place to define for HER what is offensive. [but was enough for her to reply complaining that I keep asking her to do stuff without asking if she wants to. Looking now I don't think I was rude at all You do understand that she was telling you how your actions made her feel and your response is "I don't give a eff..." This relationship is going to be over by this weekend. She didn't ask for your assessment for how you think she should have taken it--and instead of saying "sorry wasn't my intention", you basically gaslighted her because the truth is: that's exactly what you're doing because you admitted you were doing it: my texts became passive aggressive - telling her to meet without directly asking if she wants to. Recently she called me out on this pretty angrily over text, to which I’ve not replied. She's not stupid and she's probably disgusted with your treatment of her. Planning to call in a few days - no contact for a week now - then arranging coffee Don't--you're not here to date her--you're here to punish her for whatever....Leave her be until you're done with playing games.
Normm Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 To clarify, it went like this- 'Drinks at X. Join me'. to which she said no as she was out of town for the week. Then I said 'Enjoy. Get me something' from the place she was visiting. A bit aggressive perhaps but not rude in any way. No way that was any sort of dealbreaker. 1
kendahke Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 A bit aggressive perhaps but not rude in any way. No way that was any sort of dealbreaker. This relationship is already over and will be done by this weekend.
Normm Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 This relationship is already over and will be done by this weekend. No doubt. That much being said we don't want the poor guy to think he ruined everything over an improperly worded text message.
TheFinalWord Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 (edited) To clarify, it went like this- 'Drinks at X. Join me'. to which she said no as she was out of town for the week. Then I said 'Enjoy. Get me something' from the place she was visiting. Explicitly nothing rude about this, but was enough for her to reply complaining that I keep asking her to do stuff without asking if she wants to. Looking now I don't think I was rude at all- perhaps she's just looking for reasons to get angry and is unhappy with me/ other stuff. Who knows. Planning to call in a few days - no contact for a week now - then arranging coffee. She's mad you're not getting the hint. She doesn't want to see you anymore, but you keep telling her to do things that are going to require you to interact together. "Get me something" is going to require you to interact and she doesn't want to. ve been dating a girl at work for nearly a month now. Initially things were going really well- she was really into me and me genuinely being busy during that period worked well. After our fourth date, things started to change. I was now initiating the texting more. She did invite me over to her place and introduce me to housemates etc once, but there were also times she cancelled last minute. Overall vibe definitely less positive and more mixed than before. Bingo. You were moving too fast for her. A lot of times women will shut a guy down if they get a whiff of things moving to fast/controlling behavior early on. It kills their attraction. It's an issue that can be worked on, but for whatever reason it drives a lot of women away. Your best bet is no contact and don't contact her. If she contacts you, you can ask her to meet for coffee. Going out has to be her idea at this point, or you're just going to end up in the exact same place again. Edited October 25, 2018 by TheFinalWord
Author qwerty_only Posted October 26, 2018 Author Posted October 26, 2018 She's mad you're not getting the hint. She doesn't want to see you anymore, but you keep telling her to do things that are going to require you to interact together. "Get me something" is going to require you to interact and she doesn't want to. Bingo. You were moving too fast for her. A lot of times women will shut a guy down if they get a whiff of things moving to fast/controlling behavior early on. It kills their attraction. It's an issue that can be worked on, but for whatever reason it drives a lot of women away. Your best bet is no contact and don't contact her. If she contacts you, you can ask her to meet for coffee. Going out has to be her idea at this point, or you're just going to end up in the exact same place again. Interesting, so I should not try to call/ message at all? I think this might be a good idea, as she clearly wants space. Will just do my thing and say hello if I bump into her? Part of me wants to end on good terms but at the same time do t want to initiate contact.
kendahke Posted October 26, 2018 Posted October 26, 2018 No doubt. That much being said we don't want the poor guy to think he ruined everything over an improperly worded text message. I'm not here to lie to him about the completely avoidable mess he's made. It was a messy, admittedly passive/aggressive game he played that's blown up in his face. A little contrition might work a lot better than some weak-tea bravado. 1
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