Boyfriend fell out of love

[lostgirlfriend]

The story about my breakup is a bit long but I'll sum it up. Me (20) and my boyfriend (23) were together for 8 months and broke up this week. He was extremely kind and sweet to me, and I could tell he was thinking about us long term. He introduced me to his parents in August and we would subtly talk about the future at times. He was very loving towards me, I thought he was the sweetest person in the world and he thought I was too.

 

Around May, having sex started to hurt for me. We tried lube, trying different types of ways to make love, etc. He was very patient about it, but he was admitting it was making him frustrated and he felt rejected whenever I declined sex. He understood that I didn't have too much control over it. I was seeing a physiotherapist as per my doctor's recommendation about it.

 

He and his best friend left for a one month vacation in Vietnam in early September. They'd been planning this trip long before he met me. We spent the night together a couple of days before his flight. Things felt intimate and close. There was a part of me scared that the vacation could change things, but the closeness I felt during that night made me feel secure. Once he left, he'd message me when he could about his vacation, send me photos, etc. They were going from city to city, north to south, by motorcycle.

 

A week into his vacation, he told me he developed a crush on a girl he met for a day. And that nothing had happened, he'd had already left the city, and that he doesn't have a way to contact her. But he was scared at how easy it was, and that it was giving him second thoughts, and that it made him wonder if we were kind of boring. I've been cheated on, so it scared me. We talked it out respectfully but I admitted it made me feel hurt and insecure. We both agreed to be more fun and outgoing when he's back. And he apologized for bringing the issue up at a time when neither of us could do much. I trusted him because he gave his word and said that his word is everything to him. I still believe that nothing happened, but even though I did, the second thoughts were making me nervous.

 

After that, I noticed him getting more distant. He would leave my messages on read often or give me shorter responses. He also mentioned that part of his second doubts came from not missing me as much as he thought he would. This on top of the crush, hurt me pretty bad. I was being insecure but I was trying to be proactive about it, I'd ask him to talk to me a bit me or to respond a bit quicker if he could. To start calling or video calling when he had the time. He told me most of the distance was from him being busy, not having a lot of down time, and being on the go. He said that he wanted to not be on his phone too much during his vacation. And that he didn't want to be rude because he was usually with friends when I text him. I believed him, but in hindsight, it felt unfair that he would leave me on read for the entire day but I could see him coming on and off on WhatsApp throughout the day. Or that he valued not coming off as rude to the friends he made more than taking the time to send me a quick message that he was busy.

 

The topic ended up coming up a lot during his vacation, and he was tired of it, but he put the effort in to be warmer. But I could tell something was still off. He admitted it was because he was feeling out of the relationship but it was mostly that he was busy. About a week later, he admitted he hadn't loved me for about 2 weeks and that the times he said he loved me in that period were just to make me feel better. That didn't sit well with me obviously. He wanted to see if it was just the distance, so we agreed to stay together and give it a month after he's back to see how it goes. He said that he still really likes me and still cares about me.

 

But I was still insecure. I ended up messaging a girl he added in a fit of insecurity. I just asked to talk. She showed him the message, and he called me to talk about it. He said that he didn't do anything with her, and I said that I trusted him, and he asked me if I really did. And I told him that after I had been cheated on, I can't really trust, but I knew that I could trust him. He told me that he missed me, wished he could kiss me, cuddle me, etc. Still really liked me. That he regrets not saying it sooner and that it was his bad that he only realized he did after we started talking more. But he admitted the way I've been acting has been pushing him away, and that he needed space. I agreed. I told him I'd see my counsellor again to deal with the baggage my ex gave me from cheating, and that it wasn't fair on him to be distrusted because of something someone else did. Things were normal for a while.

 

He wanted to see me during the day of his return flight. I came over, he showed me a present he bought me, and we cuddled. Things felt kind of distant, but he said he was just tired and I assumed it was from the flight and the relationship tension. But he was still quite physically affectionate.

 

He asked me if I had been using dilators (it's complicated, look it up) for my condition while he was gone. I admitted that because it felt like we were gonna break up, I didn't use them too much. That night, we ended up talking and he admitted he thought we shouldn't be dating.

 

Naturally I was pretty upset because we agreed on an extra month. He told me that he wasn't feeling it and that he didn't love me, and that it wouldn't be fair for the either of us to keep going. He said he hadn't loved me for two months now, and wanted to break up before the trip, but didn't because he didn't want me to think we was doing it just to sleep around. He said that he couldn't feel romantic love towards me without sex. And we couldn't be physically intimate without hurting me (physically), and that we were just essentially friends in a complicated relationship at this point. That for him the final straw was me saying I hadn't used them because it meant that I wasn't putting effort into the issue. He later said that it wasn't just the dilators or the sex, it felt like I wasn't putting effort into everything.

 

He said wanted to be friends because he said that he still deeply cared about me and still really liked me. But he thought that it was not healthy if I still have feelings for him. That he'll miss me. He said that he wants to give it a while for him to see how he feels and that he'll message me then and see how it goes.

 

I was upset with how he had handled this and went back on his agreement. I argued and pleaded (big mistake) to have longer to work on it. He said that it was unfair, but it was unfair for him to keep waiting for something that might not improve. He then blocked me on FB and other social media but left SMS and WhatsApp open. I told him that it wasn't fair on me to have only heard about most of these issues now, and to not have had more time to work on it. That most of the issues he brought up, he had brought up after he had fallen out of love and at a time where there wasn't much I could do. For example, he thought we were getting boring because we were staying in too much, but mentioned it through telling me about his crush. When he told me about us getting into a rut, I said that we could take the time to do more fun things when he's back and he apologized bringing the issue up because he realized there wasn't anything we could do about it while he was on vacation. But during our breakup, he was trying to justify not telling me about the issue before his trip because it caused me to become jealous. I told him that he missed the point, that I wasn't upset because he thought we were getting boring, I was upset because he caught feelings for someone a week into his vacation. Or that he said that the medical issue seemed like it was only getting worse. I disagreed, and mentioned that he said the issue was improving before he left. Everything he was saying felt kind of contradictory or illogical, it felt like he was rewriting history to defend breaking up.

 

We talked about getting my stuff back over text. He agreed to do it Thursday (day after breakup) night. Thursday, he asked me if it was ok to do it the day after instead because he had to get a car battery and to give me a time he could come by Friday. Friday, he tells me it'd be better to meet Saturday because he might not be available Friday night.

 

I was kind of still hurt so I pushed the issue again Thursday night. I got angry that there wasn't more time to work on these things, that he told me I wasn't making an effort. I told him that I was seeing the physio even during his vacation, paying for the sessions out of pocket (he'd refuse to split the cost, I would be paying up to $100 for the sessions, I'm a university student and he has a full time job), and that I had bought things over the month to help with it. I told him that it wasn't that I wasn't making the effort, but that he wasn't getting his needs met and couldn't continue, and that there wasn't anything wrong with that, but to not pin the breakup on me.

 

He told me to stop acting like this and that he was done. That he doesn't want to be friends anymore if I was going to be like this. He told me that we were never getting back together. Friday, I asked him if he was mad and that I was sorry. I told him I could pick up my things at 1 instead of Saturday. He said to just grab my things and go, that he doesn't want to talk about anything while I'm there.

 

I went there, and I tried to kiss him. I really regret that. He told me to stop and that it doesn't make him want to take me back. I was upset, I asked if we could ever talk 3 or 6 months from now, and he said no. I asked if we could be friends again, and he said no, and I asked how did it change, and he told me it was because of the way I was acting. That it's kind of insane. Not my proudest moment, I really regret it. He physically pushed me out.

 

I texted him after leaving to apologize for how I'd been acting, that since I have my stuff, we have no reason to contact and that we are broken up. I wished him an early happy birthday and said that I would not contact him unless he wanted me to, and that I would be here if he still wants to talk. That I give him my word. He still never blocked me on SMS (I'm assuming) and WhatsApp. I haven't contacted him since. I don't have the urge to speak to him because I regret the way I acted and the pressure I put on him, and because I want to respect his wishes and take the time to move on.

 

I don't know if after all this we could still be friends or get back together. Writing this all out makes me doubt it, but before all this, things were good and respectful between us. We were crazy about each other. And there was so much love and respect between us. He wanted a future with me. And we were each other's first real boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

It all changed when he left, and part of it was my fault for acting the way I did, but it was hard to keep hearing him change his mind or say something different. Him saying that he had brief feelings for someone else, didn't love me for weeks, didn't miss me, then he missed me, that he hadn't loved me in months, etc. while he was halfway across the world.

 

I don't know how if he hadn't loved me in two months, he could introduce me to his parents and write me a note about how much he loved me in that time period before he left. And of the things he returned to me, he didn't return a present he bought me early into our relationship. I don't know if he forgot or if he lost it, but most of the stuff he returned to me, he kept in the same drawer.

 

I just feel extremely confused by the way he was acting and there's a part of me that wishes we could get back together considering the largest issue behind our breakup was medical/physical.

Edited October 22, 2018 by lostgirlfriend

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. It's clear you're hurting a lot.

 

Unfortunately, he checked out and he's right about something important - he wasn't very invested if a girl he met for one day could have him questioning his entire relationship with you. Whether that's because your relationship was affected by your health condition or because he's simply young and not ready to commit is not really the point. The takeaway is that he knows his feelings were not strong enough to continue with you. I don't think he needed to tell you all the details about this crush, but he is also inexperienced and is bound to make some mistakes in navigating delicate issues.

 

Contacting another girl you've never met was out of line, and you quite clearly didn't trust him at all if you felt compelled to do so. That's the cue to step away from the relationship. Pushing and begging after the fact was also not wise, but I don't think it actually made much difference in the end. He'd already made his decision.

 

It's going to be best for you to accept that this is over, so you can work on healing and letting go. Stay out of contact with him. You two were each other's first loves, but you won't be each other's last. These sorts of relationships teach us a lot, but usually, they aren't the best ones we'll ever have. The best has yet to come for you.