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Posted

Hi all,

 

This will probably be long but I’d love some input.

 

I started dating a girl (Sarah) in march, and it has honestly been what you’d probably call a whirlwind romance. The first time I met her, we got on so well and when I left she messaged me saying that she’d never felt a spark like that before with anyone. We continued to talk every day and date until she was asking to see me most days. I usually went there to stay Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday nights. She has a daughter that I met pretty early on and she’s so lovely and really enjoyed seeing me, and Sarah said that seeing how good I am with her daughter really made her happy and hopeful. After about 2-3 weeks she said she had gotten me a present (toothbrush, house key and cup with my name on) and it felt so nice to be wanted like this.

So things continued this way, we were always laughing and joking, seeing each other often and speaking daily when not together, and she said things like “I’ve never met anyone I felt like this with, you’re perfect for me etc” and jokes about us being engaged and moving in together. And for the first time in my life I actually though that I could have a happy future with someone. There were no problems between us, we never argued but the only time there was issues was if she felt stressed with her ex, who is the father of her child because she’s currently trying to get legal aid to obtain full custody and he’s fighting it. She also struggles with anxiety & depression (as do I badly) so sometimes she was snappy.

Fast forward to end of August, I arranged to take her away to a nice hotel so she could have a break from things and we could spend some time together. We booked it on the Tuesday and we had a nice night together cooking etc. Now this is where I think I messed up. at midnight when she was asleep she had a snapchat that I thought was odd, so I got up and looked at her home screen to see a chat from “Danny”. But I literally thought nothing else of it and went to sleep. In the morning she went to work and I stayed at her youse waiting for her to come back. She was a bit short on messages so I asked what was wrong and she said “why did you look at my phone” I apologised for it and said I had a moment of weakness and looked, but I thought nothing of it and wasn’t going to bring it up with her anyway. That I completely trusted her but I just looked. She was a bit moody but when she came home I apologised and she seemed okay.

Now over the next few days she wasn’t really herself, especially on Saturday it felt like she didn’t want to be in the same room as me. She wasn’t being affectionate and when I asked her what was wrong she said she just had a headache. I didn’t want to push it because I didn’t want to spoil the weekend. Sunday we left for the hotel, had food beforehand, picked up some sweets etc then went to the hotel. She was being normal again. Now in the night getting ready she was off again, and when I walked in the bathroom I noticed that Danny had showed up again on her phone. I didn’t say anything but when we went to dinner she was quite distant. By now I was worrying so when we got back to the room we got onto conversations about why she’s being quiet, I asked her calmly who was Danny. She said that it was her friend Danielle who spells it with a Y and she’s always called her Danny. I said okay that’s fine I believe you, I only asked because you’ve been different with me this week and she agreed. Left it at that.

 

This is where it goes downhill. On the Monday morning she had a migraine so wanted to go home early. I said that’s no problem, I dropped her back home and as soon as we got there she said she was going to her mums to see her daughter, so I said that’s fine message me later and gave her a kiss. She didn’t message me all day and when I went for a drive in the night, I noticed her house key was missing. This obviously sent me into a panic so I text her asking what was wrong, and she came back saying that she’d been unhappy for a while (but not with me apparently, with other things in her life) and that she wanted space and to spend time with her daughter due to all the stress with her ex. But she wouldn’t meet me in person to talk or on the phone. And compared to the last few days where she’d been saying she wanted to be engaged etc I just couldn’t understand it. So I of course thought I’d done something and apologised for the phone thing etc and tried to let her know how I felt. She reassured me that I hadn’t done anything wrong she just had a lot going on and wanted to be alone with her daughter, just wanted some space.

This crushed me, but I said okay I’ll give you space. The next day I had a lot on my mind so I sent her a long message apologising for causing any issues, that I supported her and cared a lot about her and would give her the space. She replied back nice, saying that she was so sorry and never wanted this, that she wasn’t completely done just wanted a few weeks to sort her head out. I left it a week and messaged asking how she was, and she was very blunt with me. I asked if we could meet that week and she said she would see as very busy. A week went by and I hadn’t heard from her so I sent another message more in depth that I realised I’d acted stupid, I was sorry for everything and to take care of herself. I know I shouldn’t have but my anxiety was going crazy. She replied back again cold saying that she said from the start she didn’t want anything serious (never said that) and that I’m trying to make her feel bad for wanting to be alone. I replied to that message but she read and ignored. That was sept 15th

 

Since then we’ve had no contact, and I’ve watched hundreds of videos etc about what to do. But since then she removed me from Instagram when I posted a selfie. 2 weeks later I noticed she removed me off Snapchat. And then Friday just gone she’s removed me as a friend from Facebook. I just can’t understand any of this. How can someone go from wanting to spend all their time with you, that they’d never been happier and wanted you to move in, to ending things with you and taking the key back and being cold with you in the space of a few days? I overthought everything and I can’t help but panic I’ve hurt or upset her in some way, but she said I haven’t done anything, it’s all the stuff going on in her life but that was going on when I knew her, so why would it suddenly make her end things? And if I have done nothing wrong, why is she deleting me off everything? It hurts me so much because I’ve never met anyone I had feelings for like her, and it feels out of nowhere she ended and has done a complete 180, when af first she initiated all our progress.

 

I’m everywhere in my head and constantly overthinking things that I’ve done to ruin it, that she’s moving on, she won’t soeak to me again etc and my depression is awful. I can’t eat much and can’t sleep and had my medication increased and am seeing a counsellor. But I truly don’t think I can move on from things without knowing the real reasons. How someone who apparently cared so much can dump me by text and not even tell me, then refuse to meet me and not speak to me for over a month is devastating me :(

 

Any advice on what people think, or have experience or know what I should do would be amazing. I’m in a real bad place and need encouragement or understanding! Thank you for reading

Posted

This is a person who doesn't know her own mind & is in love with romance. She moves too fast . . . giving a stranger keys to the home she shares with her child after only knowing you 3 weeks is bonkers. Unfortunately you fell for all this love bombing & didn't see her lovey dovey behavior as the gigantic red flag is it. Talk of engagement with a person you have only known since March is moving way too fast.

 

 

Leave her be. Heal from this loss & then move on to someone more stable.

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Posted
This is a person who doesn't know her own mind & is in love with romance. She moves too fast . . . giving a stranger keys to the home she shares with her child after only knowing you 3 weeks is bonkers. Unfortunately you fell for all this love bombing & didn't see her lovey dovey behavior as the gigantic red flag is it. Talk of engagement with a person you have only known since March is moving way too fast.

 

 

Leave her be. Heal from this loss & then move on to someone more stable.

 

I did fall for it yes because I had an awful breakup years ago that is basically the cause of the depression/anxiety. I know it was only joking about it but it let me know that she at least felt strong enough about me that she would want that in the future. And honestly I would too

 

Sorry I forgot to add that another reason she said about the breakup was that she wasn’t ready for a relationship while she had that stuff going on. Which is fine the labels don’t bother me but again she gave me the key, she said about moving in and engagement (even if it was joking) so I haven’t pushed anything on her! And I said I’m happy to go slow but she was having none of it

 

How do you move on from someone who you had an amazing time with? :(

Posted

She is Bi, Danny is her girl friend. She decided on her over you.

Posted
How do you move on from someone who you had an amazing time with? :(

 

Time.

 

 

It may also help to make a list of any negatives about her that you didn't like. I'll start it for you:

 

 

1. Doesn't know her own mind

 

 

2. Deceived you regarding how she was feeling

 

 

3. Danny

 

 

4. Lied to you when she claimed to have initially told you that she wasn't ready for a relationship

  • Author
Posted
Time.

 

 

It may also help to make a list of any negatives about her that you didn't like. I'll start it for you:

 

 

1. Doesn't know her own mind

 

 

2. Deceived you regarding how she was feeling

 

 

3. Danny

 

 

4. Lied to you when she claimed to have initially told you that she wasn't ready for a relationship

 

Those are true ha. Tbh I don’t think Danny was someone she was cheating or whatever with because I was there most nights and when I wasn’t she was messaging or FaceTiming me.

 

Still though it’s a struggle because I never got to speak to her about things and I really don’t understand why she’s deleting me and being horrible

Posted
Still though it’s a struggle because I never got to speak to her about things and I really don’t understand why she’s deleting me and being horrible

 

Now you have #s 5 & 6

Posted

Unfortunately, this is going to be a tough lesson, OP: people who dive head-first into relationships generally are not good candidates for anything long-term. They're too impulsive, not acting from a place of sincerity but lust and fantasy, and they usually dive out just as quickly.

 

As has already been pointed out, the fact that she gave you a key to her house after knowing you 21 days when she's also got a daughter to look out for is lunacy. Nobody with a shred of discretion or common sense is going to hand over a key to their and their child's home to a man they barely know. That is not a shot at you, to be very clear, but she is darn lucky you didn't turn out to be a creep with nefarious intentions. What you interpreted as a token of her love and affection was actually a serious red flag.

 

Her behaviour subsequent to that demonstrates the same lack of insight and ability to make wise, mature choices. She sounds very emotionally immature, so you will someday be thanking your lucky stars you didn't wind up engaged to her. The likelihood that this would have led to Happily Ever After was very low from the get-go.

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Posted
Unfortunately, this is going to be a tough lesson, OP: people who dive head-first into relationships generally are not good candidates for anything long-term. They're too impulsive, not acting from a place of sincerity but lust and fantasy, and they usually dive out just as quickly.

 

As has already been pointed out, the fact that she gave you a key to her house after knowing you 21 days when she's also got a daughter to look out for is lunacy. Nobody with a shred of discretion or common sense is going to hand over a key to their and their child's home to a man they barely know. That is not a shot at you, to be very clear, but she is darn lucky you didn't turn out to be a creep with nefarious intentions. What you interpreted as a token of her love and affection was actually a serious red flag.

 

Her behaviour subsequent to that demonstrates the same lack of insight and ability to make wise, mature choices. She sounds very emotionally immature, so you will someday be thanking your lucky stars you didn't wind up engaged to her. The likelihood that this would have led to Happily Ever After was very low from the get-go.

 

 

I guess you’re right.. I just took it as she felt comfortable with me and obviously saw potential with us!

Posted
I guess you’re right.. I just took it as she felt comfortable with me and obviously saw potential with us!

 

I know. But sadly, in my experience, that is rarely what is really driving behaviour like this.

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