Kazie15 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 So I know things are a lot different in the dating world since I got divorced. I’m 33 now and I met my ex husband when I was 19 soooo how people date now is odd to me. I have dated guys off online dating sites and I now know that just because your “dating” now a days doesn’t necessarily mean your boyfriend and girlfriend and I guess those titles come with muuuch higher levels of commitment than back in the day when I was in my hay days and boom, you’d go on 3 dates and es guys ASKs to be your boyfriend. So I have been seeing this guy now for over 3 months. We eat along great. We have a standing date every Saturday and every Wednesday (Real dates, outside the bedroom, which may or may not end in sex) We have made plans a month out including the purchase of tickets and so on. He’s also very sweet like I told him I was on my lady time and suggested we just order in and Netflix because I was crampy, which he agreed to and show up with a heating pad and rubbed my back. Like holy crap sweet! But he hasn’t officially said he’s my boyfriend, referred to me as his girlfriend (though we haven’t really been in a situation which he’d be like... this is my girlfriend) or asked me to be his girlfriend. I did once ask if we were exclusive and he said yes. But a girlfriend of mine pointed out that today, exclusive and being boyfriend/girlfriend are different things. And it’s weird because I don’t know wha to refer to him as, like a friend doesn’t seem to explain it, but I also don’t wanna be like “oh this is my boyfriend” and take him by surprise f I’m wrong. I know often guys now don’t “officially” ask a girl to be their girlfriend d anymore either, it just developes... which makes things Allred confusing... and I hold just ask him be if he has been thinking about me as his girlfriend for a while, it a weird question to ask if he’s assumed we were ya know. Any ways advise!
hippychick3 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 In your situation, I may bring up doing an activity or getting together with someone you or he knows but the other hasn't met yet. I'd then say with a smile, "Out of curiosity, how would you introduce me ?" or "How do you think I should introduce you?" depending on scenario.
Author Kazie15 Posted October 21, 2018 Author Posted October 21, 2018 Funny that you suggested that because that is part of why I’m curious about this situation right now because I asked him if he’d be my date for a friend’s wedding and he said yes and I know there will be people there I know that he doesn’t and partly I didn’t know how to introduce him like, “oh this is my boyfriend” or “this is my friend” or just “this is so and so”. If I just said boyfriend, I didn’t want to put him in an awkward situation of not being in that place yet and just like woah, but also didn’t want to introduce him as a friend because if he does think we are bf/gf I don’t want him to think I’m not at that place or don’t see him as my bf because I am there... Why is dating so confusing and frustrating!?!
hippychick3 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Funny that you suggested that because that is part of why I’m curious about this situation right now because I asked him if he’d be my date for a friend’s wedding and he said yes and I know there will be people there I know that he doesn’t and partly I didn’t know how to introduce him like, “oh this is my boyfriend” or “this is my friend” or just “this is so and so”. If I just said boyfriend, I didn’t want to put him in an awkward situation of not being in that place yet and just like woah, but also didn’t want to introduce him as a friend because if he does think we are bf/gf I don’t want him to think I’m not at that place or don’t see him as my bf because I am there... Why is dating so confusing and frustrating!?! Then I would bring up the wedding, talk about it a bit, and then very lightheartedly ask him, "So how do I introduce you to my friends?" 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Time to practice communicating about real and meaning and yes--sometimes awkward--topics with a partner. Except this relationship topic--what are we?--is on the very low side of awkwardness. Don't let your ego or fear of rejection/disagreement .. get in the way or creating a good love relationship . Translation to all of the above: ask the question or make the statement you want to make. If you can't tell a guy you're dating for three months that you want to call him BF and that you will call him BF, then you're going to make things really hard down the line ... because relationships will require you two to negotiate topics that are 10 times as awkward and way more loaded. Get clear on what you want? As in BEFORE talking to him, what do you want? Get clear on that ... and push for it! If he disagrees, ask him all the questions you want to ask to feel secure in the relationship. No need to tip-toe here.
Redhead14 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 (edited) <snip> So I have been seeing this guy now for over 3 months. We eat along great. We have a standing date every Saturday and every Wednesday (Real dates, outside the bedroom, which may or may not end in sex) We have made plans a month out including the purchase of tickets and so on. He’s also very sweet like I told him I was on my lady time and suggested we just order in and Netflix because I was crampy, which he agreed to and show up with a heating pad and rubbed my back. Like holy crap sweet! <snip> You've been seeing this guy for 3 months and being intimate, I assume. You are entitled to clarity. A casual, light conversation initiated by you would not be out of order. Something like, "you know, Xname, I've been enjoying the time we spend together and see you as more than a date for that wedding. I'd like it if I could introduce you as my boyfriend. Are we on the same page"? If he bails because you initiated the conversation, it just means he's not on the same page anyway. Asking the question isn't going to make or break his answer. His answer is his answer. You shouldn't be afraid of having conversations about things for fear of scaring him away, especially at this point. Edited October 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Simple Logic Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 Sounds like you are happy, what if he introduced you by your name? This is Jill Smithson. Is that a deal breaker after dating 100 days?
Grey40 Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 Definitley sounds more serious to me. Guys almost always have to be pressured into committing to exclusivity. It’s just our nature. Guys are also taught by their peers and society and other outlets to not bring up that topic until the women does. I’ve always seen it like this—the man does the initiating, courting in the beginning and then it’s becomes the women’s turn to then take the initiative in bringing up the “exclusivity” talk. Numerous ways to go about it, but if that’s what you want, it’s Definitley not too soon at this point to do it. Seeing each other multiple times per week for 3 months is not going to scare him away if you ask about it. He’s probably surprised you haven’t.
crismero Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 This sounds serious to me as well. I agree that you should bring it up in a conversation and ask if he's OK with you introducing him as your boyfriend. It's also a bridge into the conversation - "what are we to each other". If you're usually talking in the light mode - continue the same style - should avoid pressures that some are affraid of with this kind of conversation.
David33 Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 It's been a long time for me to because I'm an LTR kind of person. Each time I just said, "I don't want you to see anybody else. I want you all to myself." The questions from other posters are good.
RedHead5 Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 I was in a situation similar to this not too long ago. we had agreed to be exclusive but then it dawned on me that that didn't necessarily mean that he was my boyfriend. So I just asked him one night before we went to sleep. I just told him I had a silly question and then asked if he was my boyfriend. It went well, wasn't too awkward and then we just went to sleep. It sounds like you guys see each other a lot, I have a feeling it will go over well. He may be wondering the same thing as you at this point. 1
Author Kazie15 Posted October 22, 2018 Author Posted October 22, 2018 Everyone is right. I just need to put on my big girl panties and ask him. One thing I do know about him is he is a very sweet guy so even if, worse case scenario, he does see “exclusive” and “bf/gf” as different things and that those titles come with a level of commitment he’s not at yet, I know he won’t be a jerk about it or run for the hills. Haha It’s funny because I know my friend wasn’t malicious about her comment. She’s been my best friend for years and years. I specifically asked her if exclusive and bf meant the same thing since I asked him that because we were being intimate and it’s my right to know if my sexual partner is also other people’s sexual partner. So she explained, since she has a lot more experience with modern dating, that to some yes exclusive dating automatically means bf/gf, but to others it’s like a separate dating stage like, “I like you enough to not date anyone else, but not yet serious enough to give myself a committed title”. She suggested I just ask him. She’s met him and told me he’s clearly into you so you’ll be fine. Buuut I had juuuust had the “are we exclusive” talk and didn’t want to be that girl that makes you define the relationship or your feelings every time we hang out. Then I didn’t ask... and that was six weeks ago so now I’m like what if he’s one of those people who do see exclusive as bf gf and when I ask he’ll be thinking umm yeah, I thought we established that like a month and a half ago. Like why the extra dating stage? I don’t get it. Back when I used to date, when both people decided to date only each other, only have sex with each other... that meant bf gf. When did the title of bf gf become sooo serious? 1
David33 Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 Ugh, so complicated. Sounds like you're only one question away from resolving this whole thing. GL
PRW Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 But he hasn’t officially said he’s my boyfriend, referred to me as his girlfriend (though we haven’t really been in a situation which he’d be like... this is my girlfriend) or asked me to be his girlfriend. I did once ask if we were exclusive and he said yes. But a girlfriend of mine pointed out that today, exclusive and being boyfriend/girlfriend are different things. Your girlfriend is wrong. Exclusive and Boyfriend/Girlfriend mean the same thing. Some people just want to turn it into rocket science. It really isn't that complicated. It is your job to bring up the exclusivity conversation if that is what you want. It is his job to make the initial approach and make the dates. It is your job to show return interest and to bring up the exclusivity conversation when you are ready. Know ahead of time what you are going to do if he says he is not wanting it yet (either you stick it out, or move on,...but know ahead of time). His response, either way, should not leave you indecisive. If it is successful and moves toward marriage, it is his job to propose, but it is your job to make it reasonably clear to him that you want him to propose. It is all cooperative, with each one doing their part.
PRW Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 We had agreed to be exclusive but then it dawned on me that that didn't necessarily mean that he was my boyfriend. No, it means the same thing. Anyone who tells you they two don't mean the same thing is just trying to make rocket science out of it and is just screwing with your head & heart.
PRW Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 Everyone is right. I just need to put on my big girl panties and ask him. One thing I do know about him is he is a very sweet guy so even if, worse case scenario, he does see “exclusive” and “bf/gf” as different things and that those titles come with a level of commitment he’s not at yet. It isn't like playing 4 dimensional Chess. Exclusive and BF/GF means the same thing. If he doesn't think so then there is a problem with his thinking. Relationships aren't a video game where you have to fight your way up to "Level 20" and defeat "The Boss". 1
Author Kazie15 Posted October 22, 2018 Author Posted October 22, 2018 So if you would have asked me this same question 3 months ago I would have answered the same way. Exclusive means bf gf, but since I started pondering this I’ve done some research and there are tons of articles that state exclusive dating is its own stage prior to the bf gf stage... when I’ve talked to other people about it, those over 40 say “absurd it’s the same thing...” but friends under 40 all say it depends. Even my coworker at lunch today said that the guy she dated before her current bf, they dated exclusively for six months before she was comfortable with the title gf because to her being someone’s gf is a much bigger deal than she was ready for until she had a level of comfort in their relationship. Makes me feel like an old foogie haha. As for me, I know I want to be his gf, but if when I have my talk with him, he explains to him titles are a bigger deal to him and he’s not yet ready to label that level of commitment, I’ll be totally understanding and it won’t be a dealbreaker. To me it will just be how we see and interrupt those titles and what they mean to us is different but he’s def worth being patient for.
dispatch3d Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 To me its the same thing. I'm hardly in relationships and 33.....
RedHead5 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 No, it means the same thing. Anyone who tells you they two don't mean the same thing is just trying to make rocket science out of it and is just screwing with your head & heart. No, it was just me, not him. And I think the reason I asked him so nonchalantly was, after I freaked out a bit, I realized that we were actually bf/gf regardless because we weren't sleeping with anyone else, communicated at least once a day by that time (even if it was like 2 texts), and that if either of us backed out at that point it would require a conversation (a break up) so the only thing missing was a verbal confirmation of a title.
ElKay Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I'm in a somewhat similar situation right now. We'll be going on 3 months of dating soon and he's answered that we're exclusive when I asked him if we were. The way he sees it is that gf/bf means that we're official and tell everyone in our personal lives about it. We're not seeing anyone else and are just trying to make sure that we're comfortable with the next level of commitment. I actually agree in that definition of it because I once agreed to be the gf of an immature guy after 1 month and we were "Facebook Official". Well, lo and behold, 2 months after that, we broke up because he had given up on us. It was both painful to have gone through it, but especially when everyone I knew had seen that I was in a relationship and now wasn't if they would look on my profile.
RedHead5 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I'm in a somewhat similar situation right now. We'll be going on 3 months of dating soon and he's answered that we're exclusive when I asked him if we were. The way he sees it is that gf/bf means that we're official and tell everyone in our personal lives about it. We're not seeing anyone else and are just trying to make sure that we're comfortable with the next level of commitment. I actually agree in that definition of it because I once agreed to be the gf of an immature guy after 1 month and we were "Facebook Official". Well, lo and behold, 2 months after that, we broke up because he had given up on us. It was both painful to have gone through it, but especially when everyone I knew had seen that I was in a relationship and now wasn't if they would look on my profile. Yeah, we are at 3.5 months and still have not took the Facebook plunge. I don't think it will be too much longer for that. His still says single but mine has been hidden since the divorce. I didn't want anyone knowing my business when I was going through it and just never felt the need to date anyone on my friends list so I just left it alone. It is kinda like you wanna make double certain before you go shouting it to the world. I was reading that FB status, I love you, and first fight all happen roughly the same time. Not necessarilay in that order but, makes sense.
PRW Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 So if you would have asked me this same question 3 months ago I would have answered the same way. Exclusive means bf gf, but since I started pondering this I’ve done some research and there are tons of articles that state exclusive dating is its own stage prior to the bf gf stage... when I’ve talked to other people about it, those over 40 say “absurd it’s the same thing...” but friends under 40 all say it depends. Nonsense. You can find an article on anything anywhere that will tell you whatever you want to believe about anything. There are articles out there where they claim the earth is flat,...and they are serious about it. This also shows the younger people get the stupider (or more devious) they get. They are just trying to split-hairs for some kind of personal agenda. There is something that they want to get away with or reject responsibility in some way, and splitting the hairs in this way they feel allows them the wiggle room they need to get away with whatever they want to get away with. It is like the oxymoron of "Open Marriage",...where you can get married and then live like you aren't.
Author Kazie15 Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 Nonsense. You can find an article on anything anywhere that will tell you whatever you want to believe about anything. There are articles out there where they claim the earth is flat,...and they are serious about it. This also shows the younger people get the stupider (or more devious) they get. They are just trying to split-hairs for some kind of personal agenda. There is something that they want to get away with or reject responsibility in some way, and splitting the hairs in this way they feel allows them the wiggle room they need to get away with whatever they want to get away with. It is like the oxymoron of "Open Marriage",...where you can get married and then live like you aren't. Amen! This is all soo absurd to me and yes I do feel it’s like the younger generation (which I guuuuess I fall in) have developed so many ways to avoid responsibility. They make up whole stages of dating that removes them from commitment... oh okay I’ll commit but I want to cheat and not feel bad (enter open relationships)... I don’t like you anymore buuut I don’t want to feel bad when I tell you this sooooo I’ll just ghost you forever... This whole modern dating is for the birds!
PRW Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 They make up whole stages of dating that removes them from commitment... Exactly my point.
CollinW Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 It isn't like playing 4 dimensional Chess. Exclusive and BF/GF means the same thing. If he doesn't think so then there is a problem with his thinking. Relationships aren't a video game where you have to fight your way up to "Level 20" and defeat "The Boss". It surely does not. Exclusive means I'm not dating anyone else. You can be exclusive in a fwb situation. A relationship mean expectations and commitment along with exclusivity 1
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