ICS Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 I have a few non-trivial emotionally based questions that I would gladly appreciate your opinnions on. 1) Would you continue to be in a relationship with someone who you know (at least at present) is not marriage material? 2) Is it worth it to be occassionally hurt by staying and see if the relationship will progress into something better? 3) She admits that our relationship will hit a dead end but hasn't broken it off with me yet(and doesn't intend to). Is she keeping me around until she finds the right guy? 4) Can I assume that taking a break with her might help? Or is it impossible to expect someone to go full circle with their feelings and emotions after taking a break? Some important things to know: She has a best friend who absolutely refuses to get along with me and has nothing but bad things to say about me (though she hardly knows me at all). She tells me that we can still have fun even though she is pretty sure we wont be together in the end. For the 3 years that we've been together, I kept thinking that one day she'll be more tolerable and be more open with me. She claims that she wants to be with me but can't work through her emotional instability... which stops her from being able to tolerate any discussions about problems in our relationship, which creates more problems in the future no doubt. She is depressed and easily upset by even the slightest things. Whenever I tell her that I feel hurt and insulted by her comments with our relationship not working out, she tells me to not take her words seriously. I felt hurt and insulted because she doesn't seem to be doing anything or wanting to do anything to prevent the relationship from not having a future. I love this girl, but she can affect me so much when we don't get along.
kitkat826 Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 1) Would you continue to be in a relationship with someone who you know (at least at present) is not marriage material? I dated someone for six months. I knew from the first day I met him that he wasn't marriage material. 2) Is it worth it to be occassionally hurt by staying and see if the relationship will progress into something better? I stayed with the above mentioned person even though I was stressed quite a lot during it. I think I was trying to maintain some type of temporary, convenient relationship and got caught up in trying to be happy and satisfied in the moment. We also had extremely strong chemistry. Eventually, our blatant incompatibility made it too much of a hassle to deal with. Although relationships require work, it shouldn't be a constant struggle to prove yourself. 3) She admits that our relationship will hit a dead end but hasn't broken it off with me yet(and doesn't intend to). Is she keeping me around until she finds the right guy? IMO, 3 years is too long to be spending with this person. She has stated her goal for your relationship. It seems you have gotten all you can out of this relationship. I personally think you should move on.
Kitteney Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 1) yes 2) no 3) no, she's waiting for you to throw in the towel 4) no, if her mind is made up, it's made up and you ain't gonna change it. I'm coming from the perspective of being a woman who, until last weekend, was involved with a guy who had issues and was not willing to open up completely to me. In my rational mind I KNOW he is not good for me and nothing was ever going to change to make it better. I hung around because he was, in retrospect, a pleasant distraction. He did me me the favor of breaking it off. I don't know if I would have ever gotten around to doing it myself. And now what is done is done, and there is no turning back.
Merin Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 1) Would you continue to be in a relationship with someone who you know (at least at present) is not marriage material? Yes... damn been there. However I don't want to get married again, BUT I have stayed in relationships where I wasn't even sure if the person in question was committment ready D:eek: H! 2) Is it worth it to be occassionally hurt by staying and see if the relationship will progress into something better? All relationships will go through times of turmoil and upset or hurt feelings, I suppose it's a matter of how often this is happening the bad outwieghing the good that you need to look at it and decide if you're happier without that person. 3) She admits that our relationship will hit a dead end but hasn't broken it off with me yet(and doesn't intend to). Is she keeping me around until she finds the right guy? If she is telling you she knows the 2 of you are NOT going to make this work eventually that would indicate to me where her mind is and it isn't in working on the relationship she has with you... this isn't a good thing. 4) Can I assume that taking a break with her might help? Or is it impossible to expect someone to go full circle with their feelings and emotions after taking a break? I honestly don't believe in "breaks" and I would never advice you to assume anything.. sometimes time away from one another and the situation gives both people perspective and they decide to work things out... but in this case time away from one another I think YOU might discover that you are happier without the drama.... my point is don't take a break hoping to sway her in seeing you're a great guy, it could backfire. For the 3 years that we've been together, I kept thinking that one day she'll be more tolerable and be more open with me. You've been with this Girl for 3 years... ask yourself this... why do you want someone who is just tolerable? You deserve someone who is amazing and wonderful not just tolerable. She claims that she wants to be with me but can't work through her emotional instability... which stops her from being able to tolerate any discussions about problems in our relationship, which creates more problems in the future no doubt. She knows and admitts she has emotional problems so she is aware of what her issues are... with that said IMO it isn't that she CAN'T work through this, she doesn't want to... big difference. Don't hold on to something or someone out of fear.... you deserve someone who makes your needs and wants important as well as thier own. Good Luck
Author ICS Posted September 11, 2005 Author Posted September 11, 2005 Yesterday we talked and I was told that she CAN be happy with me, but not right now. The phone conversation ended with her hanging up on me because she couldnt talk about our problems again. When asked if she wants to be with me in a relationship, she said yes-but not right now. Her solution to this is to take a break for several months, and she believes that after the break she'll take me more seriously without all the arguments. I told her that we've done it before and it only led to a breakup, but she said she is confident that it'll only work to our favour this time. Her idea of a break is us not seeing each other for the few months, but still keeping in contact via phone/msn. I am doubtful. It feels like the hardest thing in the world, but tonight I want to make up my mind and tell HER where we should go from here. Should I tell her I want to take this break too? but without ANY contact? Or would it be more wise to breakup and just be friends with her and forget about the break altogether?
Merin Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Yesterday we talked and I was told that she CAN be happy with me, but not right now. The phone conversation ended with her hanging up on me because she couldnt talk about our problems again. When asked if she wants to be with me in a relationship, she said yes-but not right now. Her solution to this is to take a break for several months, and she believes that after the break she'll take me more seriously without all the arguments. I told her that we've done it before and it only led to a breakup, but she said she is confident that it'll only work to our favour this time. Her idea of a break is us not seeing each other for the few months, but still keeping in contact via phone/msn. I am doubtful. It feels like the hardest thing in the world, but tonight I want to make up my mind and tell HER where we should go from here. Should I tell her I want to take this break too? but without ANY contact? Or would it be more wise to breakup and just be friends with her and forget about the break altogether? ICS... Think about this for a minute please. There is no "I" in TEAM or in WE or in US... your GF is all about "I" meaning HER. SHE wants a break AGAIN, SHE wants to remain in contact, SHE wants time AGAIN... where is it that she is concerned about what YOU want or what YOU need? This isn't okay. If you make it okay for her to do whatever on her own time in her own way and disregard what YOU'RE okay with, believe me when I say she will do the same... and disregard whats okay for you and what isn't. IF this were me I think I would decide to end the break, make it a break up and NOT try to be her Friend right now.... you can wish her well, tell her to take care... BUT please don't be her back up plan. Hang in there
johan Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 I have a few non-trivial emotionally based questions that I would gladly appreciate your opinnions on. 1) Would you continue to be in a relationship with someone who you know (at least at present) is not marriage material? Depends what you want for your future and when you want to start having it. 2) Is it worth it to be occassionally hurt by staying and see if the relationship will progress into something better? Depends what "occasionally hurt" means. If you mean you occasionally catch her in bed with your dad, then I'd say no. If it means your occasional discussions of marriage and your future don't conclude the way you'd like them to, then I'd say maybe. 3) She admits that our relationship will hit a dead end but hasn't broken it off with me yet(and doesn't intend to). Is she keeping me around until she finds the right guy? Maybe. She may just know that relationships like this usually break at some point. One or the other of you will lose patience with it. 4) Can I assume that taking a break with her might help? Or is it impossible to expect someone to go full circle with their feelings and emotions after taking a break? "Taking a break" is never advisable if you ask me. It's an empty threat, really. The only "breaks" that I've heard of that ended up being temporary were ones that started out as break ups. At some point you have to know for sure what you want and go for it. If she doesn't want to come along, then leave her behind. Some important things to know: She has a best friend who absolutely refuses to get along with me and has nothing but bad things to say about me (though she hardly knows me at all). That's only a problem if she listens to this friend. She tells me that we can still have fun even though she is pretty sure we wont be together in the end. Call her bluff. You make it sound like she is telling you to your face that you aren't the one, and you're sticking around to hear it. I think if she is really saying that, then you should move on just to hang on to your dignity. For the 3 years that we've been together, I kept thinking that one day she'll be more tolerable and be more open with me. I was with a girl for over 3 years who could never commit. She wanted to and she was loyal to me. But too many issues. Yours is one step farther: she's telling you there's no chance. So if you're ok with the "fun" that she's offering, then hang in there for as long as you can stand it. Sounds like that's not really what you want. She claims that she wants to be with me but can't work through her emotional instability... which stops her from being able to tolerate any discussions about problems in our relationship, which creates more problems in the future no doubt. That's contradictory. If she wanted to be with you, then she'd work hard to make it happen. She'd be upset at the idea that it might not work out. She does neither. She is depressed and easily upset by even the slightest things. She sounds like a big project. Whenever I tell her that I feel hurt and insulted by her comments with our relationship not working out, she tells me to not take her words seriously. I felt hurt and insulted because she doesn't seem to be doing anything or wanting to do anything to prevent the relationship from not having a future. I've posted similar comments about my girl. I'd be very surprised if yours doesn't end up how mine did. I wish you luck.
Author ICS Posted September 12, 2005 Author Posted September 12, 2005 And it happened in an instant.. it's rather sad, after 3 years it had to come to this. I don't know what I am going to do now, I think I am really going to miss her, and as far as dating goes.. everything feels too heavy for me now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get back in there with my head up, not afraid of what's to come next:( She had a great heart, but just a very messed up life. Looking back at it, I wished it had worked. How do I feel happy about life now? I feel so guilty from hurting her with the breakup that she never wanted.
Author ICS Posted September 18, 2005 Author Posted September 18, 2005 It's been a week since we have talked at all, but everyday I have been thinking about her and had trouble putting a smile on my face and i just feel... sad... What is love really? Sometimes I THINK I might feel happier if I am without her, and that is what I have right now. But something isn't right.. shouldn't I be happy then, now that I am no longer with her? Everyday since the breakup has been so miserable and every girl who I talk to who looks the slightest bit like her makes me miss her so much. It might sound ridiculous to not adhere to logic.. that people only change so much, and the chances of her changing are slim.. but I think humans, as emotional creatures, usually like find things to PROVE that their significant other is the one for them, when in fact they should be looking at all the counter-evidence to DISPROVE that he or she is worth it.. She is not a bad person. In fact, she has a very good heart, but her personality and carefree attitude can sometimes throw me so far away from her emotionally. But what if she really is the girl for me? What if I am the one who should take the intitiative of making the relationship a more idealistic one? Some advice please
HeartSprinkles Posted September 18, 2005 Posted September 18, 2005 But what if she really is the girl for me? What if I am the one who should take the intitiative of making the relationship a more idealistic one? Some advice please If she is your true soulmate and it is meant to be, then it will be. You can't force it, or she'll resent you. The catch here is that if you let it go and it comes back then, I feel, it will be stronger. In the mean time you need to focus on yourself and really complete who you are before you worry about her completing you. I always feel that you need to be a complete person before you can be happy with someone else. Judging by your post, you sound post breakup-ish. As time marches on your feelings of despair will fade and you will realize that this is not the end of the world, but that you have chosen fate over force. Fate will be good to you in the long run. Fate seems evil and scary now, but things will turn out. Trust me. Also, I always like to refer to one of my favorite sayings..."There are other fish in the sea." I used to hate that when people said it to me after breakups and what not, but after going through a few...I know what they mean!
johan Posted September 18, 2005 Posted September 18, 2005 She is not a bad person. In fact, she has a very good heart, but her personality and carefree attitude can sometimes throw me so far away from her emotionally. You and I are pretty much in the same boat. I also broke up with a girl after three years of half-a-relationship and being stiff-armed all the time. I also really adore my ex. I also wish like hell that things could have been different. I question myself all the time trying to figure out if there is something that I could have done that would have made all the pieces fit together. Should I have been cooler about stuff? Should I have drawn sharper lines sooner and forced her to comply instead of trying to make myself fit? Should I have been less emotional? Did she actually love me or was her inability to commit driven by the fact that she didn't love me that much? But what if she really is the girl for me? What if I am the one who should take the intitiative of making the relationship a more idealistic one? Some advice please I tried this tactic. The response I got was to be blocked at every turn. I didn't give up my identity, but I tried to fix the things she told me were broken. The fact is you can't do it alone. Both people need to be involved at that level. You can't carry the relationship. The simple fact is that if her desire to commit you were greater than her desire not to be with you, then she'd be doing what it takes to make things work. She isn't doing what it takes, and she didn't do it before. And the conclusion is that whatever is in her way is too big and there isn't anything you can do about it. Superman couldn't move it. The best I'm hoping for is that my ex misses me and is remembering the good things and that she will call me someday and tell me she realizes how great it would be just to be together with no fear. Maybe that's the best you can hope for. Don't think about what you did wrong or could do better. Think about the things that she has to do better. Think about how much a lot of great women would value all the things you did right. Chin up.
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