Gf with traumatic past

[beowulf44]

Hi! Recently my gf of 6 months and I broke up, and I've been trying to understand more of exactly what happened. Although I'm not blameless in the breakup, I've also come to realize that she definitely had some real, worrying issues she was dealing with that were probably equally a factor (she often admitted to being "crazy" without me even saying it).

 

Fast forward to the point: the week before we broke up, and right as things with us were nearing the bottom, she told me some super troubling stories about her past. I had already known about some of the other issues she had been dealing with: things like troubled past relationships, father/alcoholism issues, etc. But she also mentioned that she had been r*ped when she was young - by a family member. And that she had been in a relationship with some man in his 20s/30s while she was in high school (supposedly, she didn't know his real age until the police got involved). She's 26 now, so this was over 10 years ago.

 

She told me that this is one of the reasons she "is the way she is". To clarify "the way she is", she was referring to why she had been treating me so poorly recently. Besides that (to give some context to the relationship), she did have a handful of undesirable traits, such as mood bouts, low sense of self worth, she was isolationary, histrionic/dramatic, manipulative, etc. I'm not trying to poo poo her, she has a ton of awesome traits too, but these were the bad ones.

 

Anyway, nothing about my attitude towards her changed when I heard these things. But looking back, I do wonder. With such a troubled past, was our relationship doomed to failure? Do people ever even recover from such trauma? I often hear the term "damaged goods", and while I don't want to call her that, is it possible there was some element of that?

 

I've posted a few threads on her recently, for anyone who wants more context. But this thread is moreso about how to deal with a partner who's grown up in really traumatic experiences. I just want some feedback.

Edited October 21, 2018 by beowulf44

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, with due respect, you keep creating threads that are all searching for some explanation as to why your relationship fell apart.

 

My guess? It's a combination of all the factors you've mentioned both here and in your other threads. You can't rewind and change how things happened. She is with your friend now, right? You have to start accepting that it's over and more than likely wasn't going to last anyway...again, do the variety of elements you have described in all your posts about this relationship.

 

As for survivors of trauma - yes, of course, it can deeply influence a person's ability to relate on an intimate level. Both emotionally and physically. If she has never sought help in dealing with what happened to her, it likely still does affect her today. People can and do heal from it, though it generally is a slow process that requires time and considerable effort. She seems to recognize she engages in some pretty questionable behaviour. It's up to her whether she wants to make an effort to work through that. Based on what you have said, she isn't interested or willing or able to do so at this point in her life. She didn't ask you for help, so there's really not much more you could do.

 

All you can do is focus on moving forward. She isn't the woman for you.

[ProfessorOptics]

I'm not the best person to share advice on this topic, but I will do so anyway from stuff i've learnt in the past, and stuff I am currently experiencing. Girls with traumatic pasts tend to be the least suited to long term relationships. Because they aren't able to fully commit. They want you to focus on them, and helping them solve their problems, and when you stop doing that, because as a man you want to be focusing on your ability to provide for a family, the turn the attention to the next guy that she is able to get her claws into.

Girls with daddy issues sub-consciously thrive off the attention of males, because it makes up for them not having a stable father figure growing up. This'll cause issues with you, as her man, because whether you like it or not, you'll get jealous and that jealousy will build up to a point where you start acting upon it. She'll notice, and start pulling away, because she doesn't want to be "restricted" when it comes to her guy-friends.

 

Girls with troubled pasts, have been rejected on some level by people who claimed to really care. Fathers, exes, friends. This leaves them in an emotional place where they prefer to do the rejecting, rather than being rejected. They'll play games with you to tangle you up in their web, and they won't even realize they are doing it, because they would rather be the one to reject you rather than give you the chance to reject them.

 

To commentors, I am by no means saying damaged girls aren't viable candidates for long term relationships. I'm saying that it is only viable if and when they decide to sort their issues out. Until then, they will not be ideal long term partners, especially when crunch time comes in, because they are filled with fear. This makes them unpredictable, and incapable of being a true "partner" in a relationship. Well, at least until they get the **** together lol

[elaine567]

Is your friend having the same problems with her?

 

 

Some people when together are a toxic mix.

Some people can make even the most even tempered turn into nervous wrecks and make them act crazy.

Some people, even highly troubled souls, can gel with the right partner.

A relationship can make or break a person.

 

This was apparently a clash of personalities and expectations which culminated in her seeking out the solace of your friend.

 

You need to stop obsessing and blaming her, and "wondering" about her state of mind, she is gone.

She is not your gf any more, she is no longer your problem.

Finito.

Time to move on.

Next!

[d0nnivain]

All of what you mention may explain why she treated you so badly. While it is possible to overcome a past like hers -- alcoholic parent & being a rape survivor -- the reality is she hasn't come to terms with those things & as a result acts to self sabotage her relationships.

 

Her past trauma is more evidence that the bad behavior you described in your other thread was not a s**t-test. As I explained to you in that thread, sane healthy women do not go around intentionally laying traps for their men to set those guys up to fail. Now knowing the background, I guarantee your EX was not testing you. She is just that way. She's unbalanced because she is still struggling to cope with her demons & her behavior had nothing to do with you.

 

Let her go. She needs to heal herself before she will be in a position to have healthy relationship with anybody.

 

Stop dating wounded birds & you will be happier in the long run.

[smackie9]

You really need to learn from this....that people who have behavior problems because of their "traumatic" past, are responsible for their actions, need to take accountability, and get help for themselves. It is not up to a GF/BF/spouse/etc, to repair/fix/or focus their time helping them. If they haven't dealt with it, that should tell you they are unstable, and are in denial that they need to do this on their own. Some many think, falling in love/having a relaitonship is their answer, when it's only a temporary escape from their issues. Then they expect you to catch them, and help them up. That's when it gets ugly and unhealthy....that's codependency at it's best.

 

 

 

OP snap out of it. I agree with the others, stop being a shining knight, rescuing damsels in distress...they are actually banshees, that will rip you apart.

[beowulf44]

Thanks everyone.

 

To those posters who asked about my friend, I don’t know anything about him. I called him and he never called me back. We didn’t make eye contact at the gym when we saw each other the next day. I did speak to the ex about seeing them together, and her responses were basically:

 

1) we were broken up, it doesn’t matter,

2) I was a mess that day and he was around and just came over to talk to me, 3) he’s just a friend but I like the way he makes feel, who knows what might happen

4)don’t talk to your friend about this

5)let’s you and I never talk again

 

I know it’s time to move on, but posting and hearing input helps me understand what happened and how I can take this into my next relationship. But I am going to just start moving on.

 

I guess at the end of the day, it would never work out anyway. Thanks everyone for the kind words.

[beowulf44]

Girls with troubled pasts, have been rejected on some level by people who claimed to really care. Fathers, exes, friends. This leaves them in an emotional place where they prefer to do the rejecting, rather than being rejected. They'll play games with you to tangle you up in their web, and they won't even realize they are doing it, because they would rather be the one to reject you rather than give you the chance to reject them.

.

 

This is so interesting, because I can’t tell you how many times she ‘broke up’ with me over something silly, or would threaten to break up. I never understood why she was willing to treat the relationship as if it was so disposable (as opposed to being something to work on) - I always figured it was a power thing.

Edited October 21, 2018 by beowulf44

[ExpatInItaly]

This is so interesting, because I can’t tell you how many times she ‘broke up’ with me over something silly, or would threaten to break up. I never understood why she was willing to treat the relationship as if it was so disposable (as opposed to being something to work on) - I always figured it was a power thing.

 

It is, in a sense. It keeps that person in the driver's seat of the relationship, maintaining control.

 

You can't break up with her if she was always beating you the punch, in other words. You can't reject her if she was always the first to reject you. And given that you kept going back, she knew it worked. It kept her in the position of power. The reasons why she does it are unimportant, at this point. It's the very fact that she does this which matters, and renders a relationship nearly impossible.

 

My ex-boyfriend was very similar. He simply could not tolerate not feeling in control, while at the same having an overwhelming fear of rejection and abandonment. So he cut and run over small things, repeatedly, before I could tell him I was sick of the emotional sh*tstorm and that it was over. I too tried to rationalize and reason, and wonder what I could have been doing differently to get him to stop. And I finally (rightly) came to the conclusion that nothing I said or did would matter much. This was on him and his dysfunctional relationship patterns.

[elaine567]

.... dysfunctional relationship patterns.

 

 

Yes.

They are however usually individual and so learning about one is sometimes not too helpful when dealing with the next

 

Overanalysing this girl to death will not make one iota of difference when faced with a new girl.

 

Suffice to say, dating should be comfortable, easy and fun and if it isn't then it is time to pull the plug early doors.

[Downtown]

Beowulf, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, impulsiveness, double standards, low self esteem, always being "The Victim," need for frequent drama, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has the full-blown disorder (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting she might be exhibiting strong symptoms, regardless of whether they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

There were tons of sh*t tests in our relationship.

The irrational jealousy you describe is a sign that your exGF has a great fear of abandonment -- which is one of the key hallmarks for BPD behavior. If she has such a strong fear, she will see threats of abandonment even where it doesn't exist -- in regular day-to-day events all around her.

 

This is why a BPDer (person with strong traits) will repeatedly administer **** tests to see if you still love her today. Sadly, passing the test by jumping through the hoop does not eliminate her abandonment fear. Rather, it only ensures that she will raise the hoop a bit higher the next time she insists you jump through it.

 

I honestly still think a big part of the breakup was her desire to control.

If she is a BPDer, that strong controlling behavior is to be expected. It occurs primarily because her two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you will trigger her engulfment fear when you draw close in intimacy and will trigger her abandonment fear when you back away to give her breathing room.

 

Sadly, there is no Goldilocks position where you can safely stand between "too close" and "too far." A BPDer therefore is very controlling so as to push you away when you're too close -- and pull you in when you're too far away.

 

I've been trying to understand more of exactly what happened.

I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. If you ever feel inclined to reconcile with her, I would suggest you see a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

[darkmoon]

you can be as supportive and loyal as can be - and - still get dumped

 

true story... so beware of the BPD type, who are capable of being perfectly nice to some ppl, but chose you to act out meanness at, you are not lucky in love, as her exes would doubtless tell you, BPDs dump for better prospects, cold, they have no loyalty

 

does she even try to control herself? try to be pleasant? holding in any harsh words behind her controlled closed pair of lips? if yes, ok, but if no, then run

Edited October 21, 2018 by darkmoon

[preraph]

Some women plod right through this stuff. It makes them more wary, though not necessarily more cautious. Others have a really hard time dealing with it. They should get therapy, but truth is, there are just women who can get past this sort of thing better than others. Of course, rapes by a family member, this stigmatizes the entire family and they still have to deal with the issue. At least if it's a stranger, they never have to hear about or see them again. Of course, rape is always traumatizing because it's forced and violent, and that is traumatizing and will put anyone on edge.