wandering123 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Hi all, Sorry, this is a long one - I (27 F) am currently going through a break up with my partner (30 M). He broke it off just over two weeks ago. We had just moved into a one bedroom apartment together a month earlier. We had been together for probably 20 months in total. However, we had previously broken up for two months earlier this year due to his lack of respect and commitment towards me, drug use, alcoholism, smoking (deal-breaker), staying out all night, narcissism and lying and me getting fed up with being treated in that way. We got back together on his promises to change his behaviour. And for the most part, he was wonderful. While we were separated, we both arranged to go on holidays. I was to go away for a month to Europe by myself and he was to go to Colombia with the boys *rolls eyes* soon after I returned. He hadn't booked much of Colombia so I begged him to cancel and come to Europe with me instead. I even offered to pay for him to come to Europe with me. He refused, and I let it go. I went to Europe and had a wonderful time. But I missed him the entire time and really couldn't wait to get home. I got home and all was well. He then went off on his trip and his behaviour completely changed. While I had spoken to him every day on my trip, he hardly spoke to me. I was busy with work and study so I left him to his own devices but I was particularly deflated by this. I was also in the midst of organising a place to move in together. Eventually, the time came for him to come home and I went and picked him up from the airport. He was horrible to me from that point. I couldn't do anything right. He didn't want to spend time with me. I found a cigarette lighter, and he outright lied that it wasn't his, before admitting he picked up smoking again while overseas (which was a deal-breaker for me). I accepted that I wasn't in the best mood when I got back from Europe and that he probably felt the same way, so I let it be. I continued to let it be for about six weeks, while we moved in together, thinking he would improve. But instead, he started staying out late even on work nights and would come home smelling of booze and cigarettes. He even told me that a packet of cigarettes I found in his pocket weren't his. He hardly spoke to me and at one point, he told me he hated my guts. I then received a message while I was at work, "I think we need to have a chat". I asked him what it was about (knowing what it was) and he called me, and promptly dumped me while I was at work. He then went to our apartment and took all of his stuff before I got home from work. I was completely distraught. I couldn't understand why he would treat me like this again after promising not to, and then why he would do it after we moved in together. I don't know what happened while he was away to change his behaviour. so dramatically To make things worse, I had an assignment due that weekend and exams coming up (starting tomorrow). I cut contact with him pretty quickly realising just how abusive his behaviour had been. But then I stupidly got sucked in by a message from him a week later that stated "What if I told you that I will grow up for you?". I realised he was drunk. I went back to ignoring him and asked him to leave me alone. Another week later, I was at an alumni function for a former workplace. I met some people that worked with him. He allegedly went around telling these people (that I didn't know and that he hardly knew) that we had broken up and that he wanted to commit but couldn't. Apparently also his favourite song is "Sorry" by Justin Bieber *rolls eyes again*. I asked him what the hell he wanted and asked to either commit or leave me alone. He refuses to leave me alone, but he won't commit either. Apparently he wants to try again, but take things slowly. This apparently means he stays living with his mates while I live in an apartment alone that I can't afford, waiting for him to commit to me. I don't deal with loneliness well. I know deserve better than him and I know that I deserved not to be abused, but I am so broken by his treatment of me. I really need some strength to get him out of my life. It's affecting my ability to study for exam tomorrow. Some advice on how to cope with the emotional trauma and some ideas on how to get rid of this bastard would be great.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Amidst all of this, smoking seems to be the only behaviour you explicitly described as a dealbreaker. That is very concerning, given how many more serious issues you also mentioned. Your focus is very distorted. OP, for your own well-being, you really need to step away from him for good and start focusing on your lack of boundaries for yourself. You let too many things slide for too long and it only ended when he called it off. Use this as an opportunity to improve your self-respect so you have the strength to stay away from men who are clearly not good for you and not candidates for healthy relationships. You get rid of him by not responding to him, and telling people around you to not update you about anything to do with him.
Redhead14 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Hi all, Sorry, this is a long one - I (27 F) am currently going through a break up with my partner (30 M). He broke it off just over two weeks ago. We had just moved into a one bedroom apartment together a month earlier. We had been together for probably 20 months in total. However, we had previously broken up for two months earlier this year due to his lack of respect and commitment towards me, drug use, alcoholism, smoking (deal-breaker), staying out all night, narcissism and lying and me getting fed up with being treated in that way. We got back together on his promises to change his behaviour. And for the most part, he was wonderful. While we were separated, we both arranged to go on holidays. I was to go away for a month to Europe by myself and he was to go to Colombia with the boys *rolls eyes* soon after I returned. He hadn't booked much of Colombia so I begged him to cancel and come to Europe with me instead. I even offered to pay for him to come to Europe with me. He refused, and I let it go. I went to Europe and had a wonderful time. But I missed him the entire time and really couldn't wait to get home. I got home and all was well. He then went off on his trip and his behaviour completely changed. While I had spoken to him every day on my trip, he hardly spoke to me. I was busy with work and study so I left him to his own devices but I was particularly deflated by this. I was also in the midst of organising a place to move in together. Eventually, the time came for him to come home and I went and picked him up from the airport. He was horrible to me from that point. I couldn't do anything right. He didn't want to spend time with me. I found a cigarette lighter, and he outright lied that it wasn't his, before admitting he picked up smoking again while overseas (which was a deal-breaker for me). I accepted that I wasn't in the best mood when I got back from Europe and that he probably felt the same way, so I let it be. I continued to let it be for about six weeks, while we moved in together, thinking he would improve. But instead, he started staying out late even on work nights and would come home smelling of booze and cigarettes. He even told me that a packet of cigarettes I found in his pocket weren't his. He hardly spoke to me and at one point, he told me he hated my guts. I then received a message while I was at work, "I think we need to have a chat". I asked him what it was about (knowing what it was) and he called me, and promptly dumped me while I was at work. He then went to our apartment and took all of his stuff before I got home from work. I was completely distraught. I couldn't understand why he would treat me like this again after promising not to, and then why he would do it after we moved in together. I don't know what happened while he was away to change his behaviour. so dramatically To make things worse, I had an assignment due that weekend and exams coming up (starting tomorrow). I cut contact with him pretty quickly realising just how abusive his behaviour had been. But then I stupidly got sucked in by a message from him a week later that stated "What if I told you that I will grow up for you?". I realised he was drunk. I went back to ignoring him and asked him to leave me alone. Another week later, I was at an alumni function for a former workplace. I met some people that worked with him. He allegedly went around telling these people (that I didn't know and that he hardly knew) that we had broken up and that he wanted to commit but couldn't. Apparently also his favourite song is "Sorry" by Justin Bieber *rolls eyes again*. I asked him what the hell he wanted and asked to either commit or leave me alone. He refuses to leave me alone, but he won't commit either. Apparently he wants to try again, but take things slowly. This apparently means he stays living with his mates while I live in an apartment alone that I can't afford, waiting for him to commit to me. I don't deal with loneliness well. I know deserve better than him and I know that I deserved not to be abused, but I am so broken by his treatment of me. I really need some strength to get him out of my life. It's affecting my ability to study for exam tomorrow. Some advice on how to cope with the emotional trauma and some ideas on how to get rid of this bastard would be great. However, we had previously broken up for two months earlier this year due to his lack of respect and commitment towards me, drug use, alcoholism, smoking (deal-breaker), staying out all night, narcissism and lying and me getting fed up with being treated in that way. I'm not really understanding why you are here now just because of the above statement. You were together for 20 months, he showed you who he was and no one, no one, can change who they are after two months of a break up. We got back together on his promises to change his behaviour. And for the most part, he was wonderful. -- If you decide to get back with someone after a 2 month break hoping they would change, you're gonna get a "temporary" attempt to behave differently because, simply put, they can't keep up a façade for very long if that is who they truly are. I couldn't understand why he would treat me like this again after promising not to -- What's not to understand? He hadn't changed. Some advice on how to cope with the emotional trauma and some ideas on how to get rid of this bastard would be great. -- You start by accepting your role in not seeing the writing on the wall with this guy and accepting some responsibility for the situation you are in by taking him back to start with and then by forgiving yourself. How to get rid of this bastard? -- You cut him off, block/delete, maintain no contact forever. It's affecting my ability to study for exam tomorrow. -- He doesn't not deserve to have that kind of power/affect on you and compromise your educational process. Take some power back for yourself and focus on what's important for you now and for your future. It seems to me that you weren't really in love with HIM. You were in love with the guy you wished he would be and hoped he'd become.
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