How do you think my ex is taking this?

[manifestsunshine]

I would appreciate any advice!

So my ex and I were together for 5 years and he had friend-zoned me without me knowing it. He later confessed and I told him I cannot be friends with him anymore. The last day I saw him, I expressed how much pain I was in from FWB label and he started tearing up.

 

I haven't seen him as active on FB messenger...it's been days since he's checked...and for some reason he even mentioned he would still send me pictures of the last trip we took. He also offered for me to reach out to him.

 

The last time I heard from him was two days after when he said he would drop off a shirt he forgot to bring...next time he was in town. I told him "Don't worry- it's not worth it. it's just a shirt. thanks though." That was the last exchange. I have a feeling he will still bring it to me.

 

Do you think he is missing me to some extent?...and trying to keep busy to move on as well? He didn't expect me to say I cannot be friends with him anymore, so I know from his body language it was a hard hit for him. He does see me as a high value women and I read through him that he was orbiting me as in just keeping me accessible by being around me. He had also mentioned he would always be my BFF and he would always come visit me and my family..so I know he cares about me to some extent even though he doesn't love me anymore.

 

Thanks!

Edited October 21, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[preraph]

So he's still sleeping with you and you think he really values you as a friend....I don't see how this is just FWB. Do you mean that he is just not committed and seeing other women while not letting you know about it, i.e., cheating? If so, he doesn't care that much.

 

I wonder if he's just one of those guys whose dream isn't to get one right woman but to have as many as will put up with each other. I mean, if he has been deceiving you by not telling the truth or cheating, he doesn't care that much. Maybe he is feeling sorry for losing privileges with you, I don't know. But he can't care that much if he's been deceiving you some way.

[manifestsunshine]

So he's still sleeping with you and you think he really values you as a friend....I don't see how this is just FWB. Do you mean that he is just not committed and seeing other women while not letting you know about it, i.e., cheating? If so, he doesn't care that much.

 

I wonder if he's just one of those guys whose dream isn't to get one right woman but to have as many as will put up with each other. I mean, if he has been deceiving you by not telling the truth or cheating, he doesn't care that much. Maybe he is feeling sorry for losing privileges with you, I don't know. But he can't care that much if he's been deceiving you some way.

 

Thank you for your response!

He was only seeing me and he later said he cannot commit bc he works so much (which is true) bc I recently visited him so I know his schedule...but mainly he says he doesn't love me but does still care to some extent. I know there is no OW in this situation.

 

But you're right, I guess if he did betray me he didn't care but probably just felt guilty after I analyzed what he was doing through manipulation. He probably also knows I lost my family's trust as well though.

 

I guess I dissolved his ego by not feeding it. I just feel like it may have affected him in some way or some how just bc of how sensitive and empathic he became. I just hope he can't sleep at night like me.

 

I just have a feeling he's staying busy to not think about what happened...but I hope he regrets what he did deeply and his mom teaches him a lesson bc he always said she taught him to "respect" women...which is so hypocritical to what he did to me. I know he cant hide behind the truth bc his mom will ask what happened and how bad it was for us to stop all communication. I hope he realizes how much he hurt me.

 

I also want to tell my cousin so my cousin can decide if he wants to remain friends with him. Just so disgusted with him and what he put me through. It's unforgiveable.

[ExpatInItaly]

To be perfectly honest, no, he's not feeling the same way you are. And he's probably not losing much sleep, harsh as that may sound. Not for the same reason you are, anyway. It sucks, I know. Dumpers rarely experience the same level of anguish their exes do, when the break-up was not mutual. He wanted the relationship to end, so he was already rather comfortable with the idea of letting you go even though goodbyes are always difficult. You said he friend-zoned you without you even realizing (how is that possible, anyway?) so he emotionally was already quite detached.

 

He is likely going to miss your presence and companionship, but that doesn't necessarily mean he will want to be your boyfriend again. You were together a while, so you're familiar to him and it's not easy to break the habit. What a lot of dumpees don't realize is that dumpers are usually keeping busy for different reasons than they hope. They don't necessarily feel the same level of pain but they need time to adjust to their new lives too. They're re-exploring the single life and getting used to spending time in other ways. Some stay away from their exes so as not to give them false hope. Others have found someone new to occupy their time. For this reason, I would not put much weight on his offer to always be your BFF and visit you and your family. That is very unlikely to happen, and that will be for the best. Eventually, you will both move on and not even necessarily care about being close anymore.

 

But I have a couple questions about some other things you said: how did you lose your family's trust? In what way do you feel he didn't respect you? You want him mom to teach him lesson, but I'm not clear what you're referring to exactly. Could you elaborate?

[manifestsunshine]

To be perfectly honest, no, he's not feeling the same way you are. And he's probably not losing much sleep, harsh as that may sound. Not for the same reason you are, anyway. It sucks, I know. Dumpers rarely experience the same level of anguish their exes do, when the break-up was not mutual. He wanted the relationship to end, so he was already rather comfortable with the idea of letting you go even though goodbyes are always difficult. You said he friend-zoned you without you even realizing (how is that possible, anyway?) so he emotionally was already quite detached.

 

He is likely going to miss your presence and companionship, but that doesn't necessarily mean he will want to be your boyfriend again. You were together a while, so you're familiar to him and it's not easy to break the habit. What a lot of dumpees don't realize is that dumpers are usually keeping busy for different reasons than they hope. They don't necessarily feel the same level of pain but they need time to adjust to their new lives too. They're re-exploring the single life and getting used to spending time in other ways. Some stay away from their exes so as not to give them false hope. Others have found someone new to occupy their time. For this reason, I would not put much weight on his offer to always be your BFF and visit you and your family. That is very unlikely to happen, and that will be for the best. Eventually, you will both move on and not even necessarily care about being close anymore.

 

But I have a couple questions about some other things you said: how did you lose your family's trust? In what way do you feel he didn't respect you? You want him mom to teach him lesson, but I'm not clear what you're referring to exactly. Could you elaborate?

 

Thank you for your honesty!..and I appreciate your response and you asking more about this

 

Yeah it seems like he was already emotionally detached but feel to some extent he did still care enough to stick around. He also did cry a bit when I told him how I felt so I know there is something there! He was lost for words too. I guess I’m just thinking of him missing me to feed my ego and make me feel a bit better. He had moved away so he assumed me not coming with him would be the end of our relationship but did not know I intended to do LDR. I just wasn't ready to move right now bc at that time I had health problems which he didn't understand or empathize with me at all. I know our communication was bad for one thing.

 

He already committed to a job over a relationship, so my role had extinguished. He works 6 days/week with 12 hour shifts, so he has no time really for friends either or a life really. He is experiencing financial difficulties right now as he has a loan for the downpayment of his house that needs to be paid back so he will essentially have close to nothing by the beginning of next year. He only cares about himself, money and career right now. Being very selfish.

 

He mentioned he would visit when he can..so he is coming back next year for taxes. His family is here so his plans would have been to see them and then me as much as possible. I just recently saw him. He has no other close friends other than me here and would usually just see me. He told me he would keep me in his life forever, even if he found someone and said that if that person wasn’t OK with me, then they weren’t the right person for him. I mean what kind of BS is this! What gf is ok with their bf staying in touch with their ex? I laugh at this now. Always trying to bring me comfort but it just backfires on him.

 

how did you lose your family's trust?

 

He has always had his insecurities and always compared my family to his. In a way he wanted to earn respect from my family by proving to us he can live up to our standards. He always devalued himself around me questioning why I chose him when I could do better. He always had to be the provider for his family due to financial difficulties and saw what my family and I had, which probably made him motivated to do better. He never had a father and he loved my family a lot. So I feel like me cutting him off completely was cutting off his privileges to all of us..and we can’t feed his ego anymore since he would bring up his accomplishments to gain our support and acknowledgement. He lost our respect and trust from the way he treated me.

 

In what way do you feel he didn't respect you?

 

He led me on without telling me how he really felt before I came to visit him. We were still acting like a couple before I came over. He then mentioned he never wanted me to come over and he stopped loving me. He never told me to my face but I implied... I essentially became a FWB to him. He had the audacity to say I took advantage of him by sleeping with him. He put on a facade to make it seem he still loved me which really hurt me a lot. The only thing I can think of was that he was so insecure and uncomfortable about telling me we are no longer together he said nothing to not hurt my feelings!...and I think he used the whole notion I assumed I knew...just as a defense mechanism for him. He just put it off...let it linger...and didn't realize it would manifest into really hurting me.

 

You want him mom to teach him lesson, but I'm not clear what you're referring to exactly. Could you elaborate?

 

His mom taught him to “respect” women and he pretty much strung me along...still saying “i love you” and calling me “baby,” without any meaning attached. His mom knew we were broken up before I did and thought me coming over would rekindle things. I think he probably lied to her of how good he was to me, but I feel he has to come clean if she finds out he can’t see me anymore. I know she will dig it out of him bc it has to be that serious for him to not ever see me again. He always boasted how proud his mom was of him about respectfully treating women...so I hope she can teach him a lesson by having him embrace how much he hurt me and what he did wrong. That she can hold him accountable for his actions.

 

He caught me off-guard and if he would have told me about his true feelings then I would have walked away sooner but he wasted a good 3 months of my life...and when I came to visit him for a month, the last week, his spiel of not wanting to commit/wants to be alone, without really saying the real reason why he doesn’t want me to move in with him was bc he doesn’t love me anymore. I had to nudge it out of him. It’s like he didn’t want to hurt me so he made up all these excuses around the truth! To top this off I was stuck there for another week with him away from home....in pain..not able to sleep.

 

So for me to end the “friendship”... he didn’t see this coming. Initially I agreed to be friends bc I was emotionally unstable, but after coming back he visited and told him I can’t be friends. I’m sure it took a stab at his ego more than anything, cause he thought I would be in his life forever. He was never upfront with me and since the beg of our relationship he said to always be upfront about our feelings, because he doesn’t want to waste my time. He wasted my time for sure. More than anything I am furious bc he was orbiting which I found out means he just wanted to have me accessible. I trusted him with all my heart and he just manipulated me fully. I just feel really used right now and it feels like he wanted to keep me in the loop to make him feel better about himself. I never cared about our economic differences but I really liked him as a person. I think maybe things were doomed to begin with bc he never thought he was worthy of me as he always praised how smart I was and he said he couldn't compete. As much as I told him to stop, he wouldn't. I think it just really drew us apart bc he realized in order to gain respect he needed to make something more of himself...to prove to himself he was worthy. I taught him a lot and he liked learning from me...so he now has no mental stimulation anymore.

 

I worst part is that he has it engrained in his mind he was always a rebound, which wasn't true. I had moved on from my ex before him. He won't believe me and I think this was the main reason he walked away in addition to my health issues which affected our intimacy during that time. It seems like his insecurities in all realms just got the best of him.

 

It’s hard because as much as I want to forgive him and move on quickly- I can’t. It’s a lingering anger, hatred, and pain in me that is constant. Feelings of betrayal. He really tore me up and meant the world to me. Just shattered me really.

Edited October 22, 2018 by manifestsunshine