manchirps Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Hi I dont really know where to start with this, I am an emotional wreck right now, and have been for the last month and a half. Me and this girl (both 18 years old) began speaking at the start of August 2017 and from then til now we have been messaging each other all day, every day. Now the status of our relationship has been confusing, I have caught feelings for her many times, however she was depressed and numb, and she made it clear at the beginning that she didn't want or need a man, she wanted me just as a friend. So many times I tried to further our intimacy or arrange meetups and she shut them down saying she didn't want anything like that, she just wanted me as a friend. However I was somewhat ok with this, because she was the most caring/best friend I had. So from then on we messaged and called every day, providing each other emotional support and talking about our problems. She became the person I cared about the most, I loved her and she loved me back. We told each other how much we loved each other, however she didn't want a relationship. During the first 6 months of communication she was regularly going out, getting drunk and doing things she regretted with guys (making out and sex), then she would come and call me crying telling me how sorry she was. I didn't mind at the time because we weren't in a relationship, she was just a friend I was trying to be there for. In February 2018 she all of a sudden blocked me on all social media. I text her to ask why and she told me she was scared she was getting too many feelings for me and she was scared of falling in love and being hurt again (she has been dumped twice in the past out of the blue). We had long discussions after this and she unblocked and we met up for the first time a few days later. 3 weeks after we met up we were messaging one night and she went to a party and told me she was letting one of her guy friends stay at her house. The next morning she told me she ended up making out with him and giving him head and she was so sorry about it. This upset me because at this stage we had been having talks of a potential relationship later down the line, however nothing was clear. The week after this we met up again at the library because it was exam time and from April - June we saw each other around and had lots of conversations in person, aswell as messaging every night and we both felt our feelings were growing for each other. In july however, she made out with a guy at the club and began messaging him aswell, I didn't find out about this until the start of September, when we had decided we wanted to be in an official relationship. Before this we had never had an OFFICIAL talk on exclusivity, however it was fairly obvious because she would have been upset if she knew i was talking to girls and vice versa. She said she only messaged him because she was lonely and she was really sorry about what happened at the club but she felt it was fine because it was only kissing, she had no feelings for him, and we were not in a relationship. It is now 20th October and we have been in an official relationship for over a month and a half, since then we have had our first kiss together, had sex, but the thoughts of the things shes done keep coming back to haunt me. I have loved her for over a year and been talking to her all day every day for over a year, but during this time she was sleeping with other guys, and the idea of this hurts me emotionally more than anything has hurt in my life. I think the pain stems from the fact that she is the first person I have ever kissed/slept with and also the first girl I have ever loved, whereas she has had lots of sexual experience whilst knowing me. This somehow makes the idea of us being together feel less special. I cannot understand how a girl can tell someone she loves him and then sleep with another guy, regardless of the fact she was not in an "official" relationship. It also hurts my ego how she would go out and spend nights with guys and then come home and talk to me about it, it seems like an insult to me. It also often makes me feel that she was somewhat leading me on so she could have these sexual experiences, whilst she knew I would always still be there to have a long term relationship with her later (I doubt this is what she was trying to do but the thought always comes back to haunt me). I also think some of the pain comes from the fact that I loved her more than anything whilst she was just someone elses hookup. This girl is beautiful, caring nice, and honest about everything, and I know for a fact she would never cheat on me. I have met her parents, whole heartedly love her and would love to be able to move on from this so we can have a relationship together, but I think we have different values to do with sex, and this hurts more than anything. For the past month and a half the only things i can think about are the sexual things she has done since we have been talking, and it hurts so much that I cannot concentrate on college and am becoming depressed. She has been there for me to explain why she did these things, and has clarified how she felt about me at certain stages of our relationship. She never imagined we'd ever be in a relationship together whilst she was hooking up with these other guys. Please could someone give me some advice on how to overcome these issues I am facing mentally. I understand that from an outside perspective it seems like I am making a big deal out of nothing because we were not in an exclusive relationship however I was emotionally intimate with this girl, and this pain is something I need to get over. Thankyou for reading
smackie9 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 put a spin on this....you are GETTING LAID! You HAVE A GF! You have a girl that actually LOVES YOU! cherish what you have accomplished, achieved, and received...beggars can't be choosers...Be damn thankful!!!! for there are many that won't have this experience you have. Be proud that you have become a man. 1
SunnyWeather Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 you sound like you are in the friend zone with benefits. if this is not what you want, cut the cord and move on. perhaps, in time when you've gotten over her, you can be friends again.
OnlyHonesty Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 You will never be able to get passed this because she's taken something that should mean something, and made it mean nothing. You want to see her as the gatekeeper of her sexual energy, feminine, discerning, careful and with strict quality control, but she isn't, and never will be. You may be sexually incompatible. You said.. This girl is beautiful, caring nice, and honest about everything, and I know for a fact she would never cheat on me. Not to throw shade on your light, but you don't know anything for a fact. Ive worked with this girl that's in a long term relationship of about 7 years. They are planning to marry, she talks about how much she loves him, and he thinks she'd never cheat on him too. You should understand that most women that cheat probably considered themselves as being loyal, and were simply led by their emotions. This girl I mentioned has acted on her attraction to me, and I was the one to remind her of her loyalties. She was simply following her emotions and to this day, considers herself as a loyal gf that would never cheat. It is your ego that tells you she will never cheat, not reality. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 put a spin on this....you are GETTING LAID! You HAVE A GF! You have a girl that actually LOVES YOU! cherish what you have accomplished, achieved, and received...beggars can't be choosers...Be damn thankful!!!! for there are many that won't have this experience you have. Be proud that you have become a man. He already is a man, he didn't become one from being with her.
BaileyB Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 You know for a fact that she will not cheat on you... Given what you have described, I wouldn't trust her not to cheat on you this weekend!! This girl lacks boundaries, good judgment, and she seems quite immature. It most definitely sounds like you have different values about sex. She has definitely taken something that means something to you, and made it mean nothing. You deserve a woman who understands this. I would be very careful about this one...
2much4 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Honestly, I don't know. I know I could not get over it.
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 She is one messed up girl. She was friendzoning you & jerking your chain for a long time. Being sexual with the bad boys & using the good guy -- you -- for emotional support. For reasons beyond me, you put up with this. The she finally gave in & decided to give the guy a chance. You agreed to this knowing that she makes horrendous choices with men She was seeking validation from all these other guys & believing that them having sex with her was some proof that she was attractive & valuable. It's her way of coping with whatever her demons are and her complete lack of self esteem If you dump her over this understand you will further contribute to her believe that all men are scum. You literally got into bed with her & now that you have had your fun, you are going to dump her because of her past. I get it. She's been around the block but you knew that before you two started so it's not very nice of you to make an issue out of it now. Better for you to judge her on whether she's being a good GF to you now. If you can't do that go ahead & dump her but I think that is cruel & judgmental of you
smackie9 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 He already is a man, he didn't become one from being with her. It's a right of passage for many.
2much4 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 I get it. She's been around the block but you knew that before you two started so it's not very nice of you to make an issue out of it now. Better for you to judge her on whether she's being a good GF to you now. If you can't do that go ahead & dump her but I think that is cruel & judgmental of you This is not about her having been around the block or the OP being judgemental It's probably more about not really feeling valued. OPs girlfriend basically tried to date everyone else but OP and then decided to settle down with him when she ran out of other options. I don't think this was ever a genuine friendship, OP stuck around hoping to be romantically involved with her. Once they got together he probably realised he doesn't feel too good being in a relationship with someone who didnt initially want to date him.
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