past sexual experiences getting to me

[losangelena]

Well he's totally allowed to judge her and let me judge you and tell how wrong you are.

 

 

Imagine this scenario. Your boyfriend proposed, got down on one knee to his last 5 girlfriends and they all REJECTED HIM.

 

Now...he comes to you (number 6) and says "Will you marry me..I will give you my heart and all that".

 

Just remember..this guy got rejected by all his past girlfriends...they didn't want to be with him...now he's giving YOU whats LEFT of him.

 

Are you gonna be THRILLED you're getting a guy NOBODY wants?

 

You're not. That's why also women reject men who nobody wants. Men reject women who gave sex to guys they didn't care about because when you give sex to a guy it initially makes him think he's special.

 

 

Why should my feelings towards this hypothetical fiancé be based on others' rejection of him? Just because he's been rejected doesn't mean there's something wrong with him, it just means they weren't a right match. He's still a whole person, just like a woman who chooses to sleep around.

 

I don't agree with your perspective, but I'd never call you "wrong." Don't go around insulting me, please.

[Larry56]

Why should my feelings towards this hypothetical fiancé be based on others' rejection of him? Just because he's been rejected doesn't mean there's something wrong with him, it just means they weren't a right match. He's still a whole person, just like a woman who chooses to sleep around.

 

I don't agree with your perspective, but I'd never call you "wrong." Don't go around insulting me, please.

 

Wow...Telling a woman she's "wrong" is now considered 'insulting' everyone. What a wonderful time to be alive.

 

You know deep down in your heart that if you were dating a guy who had 5 straight-up rejections from women it would bother you because tells you there is something that this guy lacks or you're just taking scraps...cause if you were to accept this guy it would make YOU feel like you weren't actually special.

[guest569]

You know deep down in your heart that if you were dating a guy who had 5 straight-up rejections from women it would bother you because tells you there is something that this guy lacks or you're just taking scraps...

 

Wouldn't a more suitable hypothetical be if my boyfriend told me he had a threesome or foursome in the past? I take your point that you would feel like you're not special anymore. But I do not relate to this viewpoint at all. I hope to hear from OP again as I still feel optimistic about them getting past this.

[Notsurewhat83]

Thank you for the replies it seems some can and some couldnt get over it. For me its more a masculine thing i guess, that i want to be the best shes had and im also worried that if she likes those types of things and i cant give them her she'll eventually resent me.

 

I've spoken to my partner and she's said she doesnt want those things again, she sometimes speaks about them when shes in the mood just as dirty talk but shes agreed to leave that out of us for a while just as i get past it as hearing it does make me feel a bit bad.

 

I've also spoken to a friend who said a good point 'how would you feel if you were single, 2 girls came up to you and wanted sex, you slept with them both and then the following day found the girl of your dreams while out shopping. 6 months in you tell the girl about it and she ends this magical perfect relationship because of what you did when you werent even together, how would you feel?'

 

And i agreed id feel awful for being judged on something like that. I think the fact shes not had sex for a year before us as said she wanted something more meaningful now is making it a little easier to believe. Shes really honest so im giving it a go. Ill update in a few months with whats happened.

[d0nnivain]

This is interesting thread because it opens up a dark portal into the world of people who have promiscuous sex thinking it has no effect AT ALL on their lives and the people you end up wit/your family etc.

 

In my mind, I totally understand the OP point of view, because he feels that based on the girlfriend's sexual history - he's nothing special in the grand scheme of things. She gave all these other dudes free sex and now she's suddenly got this standard that she 'needs to be in a relationship' to have sex with *this* guy. Basically it's free season on this his girlfriend and now he's rationalizing that she potentially had crazy better sex with other people she didn't even give a damn about and now he's getting whats left. That is possibly the HARDEST thing to come to terms with as a man because you kinda feel like you're not actually as sexy or attractive that you thought you were in this woman's mind that you were in the beginning.

 

 

Larry

 

You & the OP can feel all those things. My point has always been that if other people's sexual past is a deal breaker for somebody, that person is obligated to ask these tough Qs BEFORE they hop into bed with the new partner. Once you start having sex with somebody IMO you don't get to judge them on their past, only their present & how they treat you. If you view their history as potential deal breaker I think it behooves you to find out about it before you commit enough to be intimate.

 

My personal deal breaker -- right or wrong -- is prostitutes. So guess what? I asked about that BEFORE I got into bed with a new guy. If he paid for it in the past, I wanted no part of him. No I can't explain why I feel like that & I won't justify my thoughts on a message board. I share to illustrate my point. That issue was my deal breaker so I talked about it before intimacy. I did struggle with multiples in the past when I was younger & waited almost 6 months to be with a guy I knew had done things with groups in the past. Once I realized that he was now content with one on one, we got together & lasted more then 10 years; sex did not break us up.

 

My umbrage with the OP & you is asking the Q from a place of trust & emotional intimacy & then condemning the person for being honest in what she thought was a safe space.

[OnlyHonesty]

Why do men ask their GFs about there sexual past and then get all hurt if it does not meet their standards?

 

I think if I were a young woman and a BF asked me this question I would say I had one partner and I didn’t like having sex with him.

 

 

 

 

So you'd start the relationship with a lie due to fear...good start. Men ask these questions because it matters, but some of them probably had different expectations so were disappointed.

[OnlyHonesty]

Pretty much. That's a healthy way of looking at it.

 

 

But it's not the truth..it's completely different.

[shydad]

Shes really honest so im giving it a go.

Yay! It made it worthwhile reading through the negativity to get to this. I'm so glad you're giving this a chance, and that you are putting logical thought into this process. Worrying about being the best lover in existence just isn't realistic. Seriously, don't worry about it. She wants you badly, just go with it. You're a lucky man!

[RedHead5]

There are two types of people in the world when it comes to sex. there's the type that is comfortable and open-minded and maybe a little kinky. And then there is the type who is insecure maybe a little inexperienced and not open to new experiences.

 

If you are the latter, you should not ask a lot of questions about your partner's sexual history because you're not going to be able to handle it if they are the former. I know some people are going to bark at that statement but honestly, past being disease free, what do you really need to know about someone's history?

 

With that said you can learn to be open-minded that's not to say that you have to do threesomes or foursomes with her but as the relationship goes on you can decide what you like and what you don't like and what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. there are a lot of things that two people can do together that are adventurous and kinky that don't have to involve other people.

 

To me it sounds like she is getting a handle on her sexuality and what she likes and she's been experimenting and she's been trying things. If she liked the foursome she may or may not be happy with never having that again. Only time will tell with that. if you do not think you will ever be okay with that you just need to make that known and let her make that choice. she can probably tell that you're freaking out a little bit and that's why she's wavering back and forth on how she felt about it when it happened.

 

But as for you and your current situation, you have gotten yourself to the point where you're afraid that she's going to cheat on you just because she told you something about her sexual history. You are letting your insecurities get in the way of your relationship and if you can't get over that it will ruin the relationship.

 

So my advice would be for you to decide first if you can get over this and then be upfront with her on how you feel about it and she then needs to decide if she's okay with never doing those things again if that's your decision.

 

Just because she has done these things before does not mean that she is going to cheat on you to do them again if she is fully committed to a relationship she can keep her pants on. It has more to do with her character than her past sex life.

 

I was with a pretty sexually repressed man for many years and I did not cheat on him. In fact, he ended up being the cheater. I'm a pretty sexual person but I am also a loyal person and the loyalty was more important to me than the sex. Although now, one of my deal breakers in a new relationship was sex. Take clues on her character from her day to day actions, not her sex life.

[Art_Critic]

I don't understand why you are making her feel dirty for doing something while she didn't know you...

 

The more you judge her and harp on it it makes her feel even more dirty than it first started out, I'll bet she wished she never told you the truth since you are hitting her self esteem in the relationship now..

 

You are making her say things like she doesn't want that now and all that is doing is you trying to control her and control her feelings about the subject to make her feel bad about herself.

 

I suggest you seek advice with someone close to you about this and figure out why you are judging her in this manner, this is a woman you care about and the past is the past unless you keep bringing HER past up that is.

[Haydn]

I don't understand why you are making her feel dirty for doing something while she didn't know you...

 

<snip>

 

All of this.

Edited October 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate full quote of immediately preceding post

[smackie9]

It was a one time thing...before you met. I doubt what happened is a part of her character. IMO it would be different if this was a lifestyle choice. Then you have every right to excuse yourself from this relationship.

[Lotsgoingon]

The obvious question is how is your sex life with her right now?

 

Does she seem to REALLY enjoy sex with you? Are you feeling valued in the relationship?

 

In my experience when women (and men) really enjoy sex with someone they like (want to be in relationship with), they will let you know such. They will, without prompting, tell you that you're a great lover.

 

Perhaps you're not getting that praise. If so, I can see why your insecurities would be triggered.

 

You might have to go the vulnerable route and put it out there ... do this with confidence ... But you might have to tell her that you're worried that sex with you won't be satisfying for her--given her past.

 

Let her answer, and if you don't feel A LOT better afterwards, then you're never going to feel better.

 

But to tell you the truth, the best sign that she is satisfied is not her answer in response to a direction question. Rather, my first point applies--she'll offer up praise to you, enthusiastic praise, about sex with you. If you're not getting that, I'd say let go.

 

BTW: don't feel too bad. A lot of guys haven't quite updated our software about women's sexuality. Yeah, guys know their gf has had sex. But guys tend not to imagine that the woman they are dating ... might have had a one-night stand, several one-night stands, a FWB relationship, threesomes and so on.

 

I once had a FWB relationship with a woman ... who I otherwise thought was pretty nerdy ... Well one day, we're discussing things, and she asks me if I ever had a fantasy about a threesome ... I answered honestly: that no, threesomes isn't really something that excited me. I was also, though, answering cautiously--because again, I thought this woman was nerdy ... i.e. had a non-kinky mind.

 

A while later, this woman mentions to me ... that she had proposed a threesome to me and that I had said I wasn't interested. I was like, "What?!" Her mention of the threesome wasn't an intellectual question. She was probing my interest.

 

So I get that it's easy for guys to underestimate the sexual desires, prowess, interest in kink and so on ... that lots of women have. And I say this with no criticism intended for the women in question. I didn't look down on this woman for expressing an interest in a threesome.