past sexual experiences getting to me

[Notsurewhat83]

Im with a woman at the moment and the annoying conversation of past sexual partners came up. We spoke and all seemed fine. Then 1 evening we where being... close and we started talkinh dirty, i stupidly asked her about threesomes and foursomes... she replied she'd had a foursome 2 guys 2 girls. She went into some detail as i asked how and it was a drunken night, they started in the taxi, got home and it happened it the living room....

The fact that they started in the taxi just made me think shes mroe risky than ill ever be and it made me unconfotable.

 

Immediatley after she told me i acted ok with it and went to the shop .. i felt sick to my stomach that this woman i love had done all that and i dont know why its bothered me so much.

 

I went back and asked 'when?' Assuming it was years ago... it was 2 years ago. To me thats made it even worse and im really struggling to get over it. I wish id never asked and lesson learned but how do i get past this?

 

Shes assured me shed never do it again, assured me after she did it, it was awkward and she didnt enjoy it but i dont believe her because in the moment when she initially told me, apparently the girl and guy went to bed asleep and she carried on in the living room so it cant of been that bad. The image is engraved on my mind and its ruining us a little.

 

Since she told me ive kept quiet about my feelings and she did say thats the reason she wanted a relationship as after that she realised thats not the type of person she wants to be but im worried that in past chats shes also said lines like 'im horny when im drunk' etc. She doesnt drink or go out much any more but the 1st time she does i already know ill panic. Is there any ANY advice how to pass this? As i dont want to break up and apart from that things have been great. I just worry that if shes into that kind of kinky stuff ill not be enough for her. She also said she left her ex because he didnt discuss sex and when they broke up she went a bit 'crazy' with guys, which kind of implys relationship sex isnt enough. Although again that was 4 years ago. Im so sick of letting this bother me. Shes said our sex is the best ever... i dont feel it is now thats been said and as i have feelings for her i couldnt do these other things she might want.

Edited October 20, 2018 by Notsurewhat83

[Logo]

In your heart of hearts do you feel more a sense of sexual inadequacy, as in, you won’t be able to satisfy her needs, or is it more a fear of infidelity or a fear of incompatibility because you like her a lot?

 

I think breaking down how you feel exactly might be more helpful to you.

 

 

How long have you been together?

[Notsurewhat83]

In your heart of hearts do you feel more a sense of sexual inadequacy, as in, you won’t be able to satisfy her needs, or is it more a fear of infidelity or a fear of incompatibility because you like her a lot?

 

I think breaking down how you feel exactly might be more helpful to you.

 

 

How long have you been together?

 

 

Im more feeling like because it was recent that just me wont be enough. I have brought it up jokingly and she replied how our sex is the best shes had, the reason she hasn't done it again is because she found it awkward etc. Part of me knows its just a drunken thing but another feels, i guess, inadiquate like once shes experienced things like that, relationship sex wont be enough. I am adventurous too and without going into detail we do a lot, but i couldnt see her with anotger man. What also worries me is that when we very 1st started going out she said she loved how open i was discussing sex, then mentioned would i ever go to a swingers club etc.. since that she said it was in the heat of tge moment, didnt mean it, doesn't want that and now feelings are involved shed hate to see me with anyone else. It just all plays on my insecurities a bit.

 

Im pretty open and so is she but ive never met anyone where things like that have been openly discussed. I love how honest she is but the thought of that foursome still haunts me and we werent even together.

 

My mind goes 2 ways as she told me shes never had an O with a guy... after about 2 months i managed to get her too and she was all over me, i even saw where shed messaged her best friend saying she couldnt believe it shed finally managed it with a guy. (As only can alone usually), So i do believe her that relationship sex is enough but my own insecurities also tell me when the honeymoon phase dies down it wont be enough. Should i just be happy shes being honest and go with it or should this be bothering me? I feel stupid as like i say we wasnt together, but when she said it was 2 years ago my heart sank a bit. Lesson learned to never ask in future

Edited October 20, 2018 by Notsurewhat83

[elaine567]

I am sorry but you are not going to get over this.

This has altered you view of her as a person and whilst your brain is telling you forget it, your gut is screaming at you.

"It wasn't 20 years ago and she was a stupid drunk teen this was only 2 years ago, how much growing up is possible in that timesscale?"

 

Of course we all do stupid stuff, we learn and we never do it again, but you have no way of knowing if she has "learned her lesson" or she is a loose cannon with a drink inside her, or she is still hankering after it, and that is why she told you in the first place..

That is going to eat you up and why it is probably not going to work.

Old sexual exploits are never a good topic of conversation with partners, some can handle it, but others get "scarred" by it and it is thus often detrimental to the relationship.

[doyathinkso]

The well has now been poisoned.

 

You guys are no longer a good match.

[Logo]

You can try and convince yourself to leave this topic behind and continue with the relationship as usual.

 

But there’s no guarantee that the feelings you’re having right now, the doubts, won’t resurface later and become counterproductive to the relationship.

 

 

It’s possible that she’s caught feelings and doesn’t want to risk that.

It’s also possible that she’s changed in two years. Life, experiences and circumstances change people.

 

 

It’s also possible that she’s telling you what she thinks you want to hear after she realized how much it bothers you.

 

 

It’s possible she values this relationship to the point that she’s learned from it so far and has outgrown her past exploits.

 

 

You’re smart to bring up the post honeymoon period because people usually feel more comfortable showing their habits.

 

 

The problem I’m having with what she’s told you is that she went from (I’m paraphrasing) “Do you want to join a swingers club” to “That was two years ago. I’ve changed” to “I’ve developed feelings and I value this relationship”.

 

 

The “I feel attached” and “I’ve changed” just don’t quite cut it for me. It’s almost as though she’s throwing ideas at the wall to see what sticks. But that’s the cynic in me.

 

 

 

 

The only sure way to know is to stay with her and see where it goes.

 

 

The question you need to ask yourself is, are you prepared or willing to do that?

 

 

You need to trust yourself here, make a decision and go with it. I can’t think of any other way around it.

[Notsurewhat83]

The only upside to all this is she hadnt had sex for a year before we met. When i asked her why she said 'in all honesty i had chances too but didn't want to as i just wanted something more meaningful now'

 

Thats the other side to this coin thats holding me back from ending it. Im stuck in 2 minds. Has she really changed or is it just an excuse so i dont go.

Edited October 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Kelliousme]

I agree with everyone here. There's no turning back but don't regret asking or finding out because it's better now than later. You now know that you guys might not be sexually compatible.

 

Quite honestly I would feel what you feel if I were to find out my boyfriend had threesomes or foursomes. Even if he claims that he's not going to do it anymore.. the fact is HE DID IT. I feel like it takes a whole different mind set to want to step foot into the world of threesomes/foursomes/orgies. I'll probably NEVER want to date someone who has done the any of the above.

 

Also seems as if she bases her relationship on how good the sex is? That's terrible. Sex should be a part of love, not the opposite.

[Gretchen12]

One detail bothers me. If four adults take a taxi, one person would have to sit in front, so the ones who started it were the three in the back seat. So it was initially a threesome. Which three?

The other thing that others me is that she said she didn't like it because it was awkward. For kinky people, it's the "awkwardness" that makes kinky sex kinky. So she did something she didn't like. That's very bad. She's not in control of her actions. Does that mean she's also not responsible for her actions?

I get the feeling she has a shape shifting self image and would tell you various things about herself not all of which are true. She's not sure who you want her to be. I don't believe her story 100%.

[Simple Logic]

Why do men ask their GFs about there sexual past and then get all hurt if it does not meet their standards?

 

I think if I were a young woman and a BF asked me this question I would say I had one partner and I didn’t like having sex with him.

[elaine567]

Why do men ask their GFs about there sexual past and then get all hurt if it does not meet their standards?

 

They ask as they want to hear something "reassuring and good", but no matter what her past is, it is never "reassuring and good".

[smackie9]

You would have found out eventually..guaranteed it would have come up sometime or another. Better now than at your 10th anniversary party from one of the participants. There I hope that makes you feel better....now you have time to absorb what she did, and get past it. like tearing off the band-aid real fast.

Edited October 20, 2018 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

You now know & you can't handle it. You will never be able to handle it. That doesn't make you wrong or bad but it also doesn't make her wrong or bad for having done those things or answering you honestly when you asked. The problems is because you can't handle the answer, you took a risk by asking the Q. If you needed to know so you could assess your compatibility & now finding out that you are more judgmental & insecure then you thought, OK fine You learned things about yourself & you now know you have to break up with her. But you don't get to shove your morality down her throat. Just walk away.

[lavenderandvelvet]

One detail bothers me. If four adults take a taxi, one person would have to sit in front, so the ones who started it were the three in the back seat. So it was initially a threesome. Which three?

The other thing that others me is that she said she didn't like it because it was awkward. For kinky people, it's the "awkwardness" that makes kinky sex kinky. So she did something she didn't like. That's very bad. She's not in control of her actions. Does that mean she's also not responsible for her actions?

I get the feeling she has a shape shifting self image and would tell you various things about herself not all of which are true. She's not sure who you want her to be. I don't believe her story 100%.

 

Have you ever ordered a new dish in a restaurant to try something different? Done a new workout class but found it was too hard/too weird/not the vibe you like?

 

Same thing. She was curious, she tried it, didn’t like it, chapter closed.

[losangelena]

Okay, first of all, a woman is allowed to have kinky group sex AND want a stable and loving relationship—simultaneously. A woman is allowed to have a sexual experience and feel bad about it later. Many loving couples enjoy going to swingers clubs together. Y'all are morally flaying this woman for her past, as if only an immature person would enjoy those things or that in order for her to be "relationship material," she would have to consider those instances "mistakes."

 

OP, if I was your GF, I would feel uncomfortable knowing that you were judging me like that, for a past that you were not involved in, for things that I have no way of going back and changing. I hope she finds someone less insecure next time.

[preraph]

Your sex life is great because she has a good sex drive. So you can't expect her to not have slept with different people and done different things. Now, if she gets drunk and does real stupid things, then that's an alcohol problem. She says she is tired of all that, and I'd believe her, but I'd be more worried about if she twists off and does things drunk she wouldn't do sober and just talk to her about that and try to see if what she needs is to quit drinking. People do things when they're young just to see what it's like and then get burnt out or find out it's not all it's cracked up to be, and most women really just want a loving relationship and I think most women see that as preferable to getting sex randomly because they want to feel the emotions.

[Simple Logic]

To the OP,

 

if your girl friend had told you her sexual past was limited to sex with 2 different men and 1 woman would you be turned off. The only difference they were all on one room on the same night.

[Logo]

To the OP,

 

if your girl friend had told you her sexual past was limited to sex with 2 different men and 1 woman would you be turned off. The only difference they were all on one room on the same night.

 

 

 

 

Pretty much. That's a healthy way of looking at it.

[guest569]

i felt sick to my stomach that this woman i love had done all that and i dont know why its bothered me so much.

 

From reading your post..some reasons could be the imagery, jealousy, insecurity, concerns that she is not who you thought she was, concerns that she is interested in different things to what you're interested in, concerns that what you're doing with her is not exciting enough. Do any of those explanations fit?

 

 

 

Assuming it was years ago... it was 2 years ago. To me thats made it even worse and im really struggling to get over it.

 

2 years seems like quite a while to me. How long have you been together? I had a post about my old friend from 2-3 years ago. after being a polygamous guy sleeping around who had no desire for monogamy, is suddenly married. People change, and can change a lot in 2 years. I know I have.

 

 

 

Shes assured me shed never do it again

 

I just worry that if shes into that kind of kinky stuff ill not be enough for her. She also said she left her ex because he didnt discuss sex and when they broke up she went a bit 'crazy' with guys, which kind of implys relationship sex isnt enough.

 

Shes said our sex is the best ever... i dont feel it is now thats been said and as i have feelings for her i couldnt do these other things she might want.

 

She said she wouldn't do it again. You don't believe her. Why not?

 

I wouldn't really classify a threesome or foursome as some crazy kinky thing - especially a one time thing. It's a fantasy that is very common. Why did you ask her in the first place?

 

Leaving her ex because it seems their sex life was bad - this does not mean that she does not like relationship sex. Relationship sex can be great, it can be terrible. In your case, it is great and she is satisfied. She told you the sex is the best ever, and that she orgasms with you and never has before. This is awesome! I don't think you have any real reason to be concerned that you're not enough, that you're not kinky enough, or that she will not be satisfied. Because she is! Has she given you any indication that says otherwise? Aside from what she has done in the past, which has nothing to do with you?

 

I might be naive but I think you can definitely get past this. However, I can't relate to what you're feeling. I'm pretty sure if I was in your shoes I wouldn't be phased. I would just suggest that you take some time to process, don't make any drastic decision. Don't think too much and dwell on it. The past is in the past. It's her past, not yours. She has done nothing wrong. I think the problem is within you, figure out why you're so upset by it and then you can decide whether you can continue. Don't ask more questions about past sex experiences. If she brings it up, let her know that you would rather not discuss the past and rather focus on the present with her.

[rightondude]

big deal. She got freaky deaky one night 2 years ago. Why'd you ask about threesomes or orgies if you weren't prepared for the answer?

 

I for one would see if she was up for it again with a cute girlfriend, but different strokes I guess.

[shydad]

i stupidly asked her about threesomes and foursomes ... She went into some detail ... how do i get past this?

Hi Notsurewhat83, you asked and she shared something very personal with you. You need to recognize and appreciate the level of trust she has given you.

 

She sounds really into you, and she has a strong sex drive (for YOU, I might add). She has shown trust, and she has pledged faithfulness to you. This all seems good to me. Basically this comes down to a trust problem. She trusts you but you don't trust her. I'm not sure how you can get past this, but you must. A relationship can't work, or certainly won't be healthy, if one person doesn't trust the other.

 

it also doesn't make her wrong or bad for having done those things or answering you honestly when you asked

Yep!

[CollinW]

You don't get past it. You leave her be and let her get with a dude who's okay with women like that.

[Larry56]

This is interesting thread because it opens up a dark portal into the world of people who have promiscuous sex thinking it has no effect AT ALL on their lives and the people you end up wit/your family etc.

 

In my mind, I totally understand the OP point of view, because he feels that based on the girlfriend's sexual history - he's nothing special in the grand scheme of things. She gave all these other dudes free sex and now she's suddenly got this standard that she 'needs to be in a relationship' to have sex with *this* guy. Basically it's free season on this his girlfriend and now he's rationalizing that she potentially had crazy better sex with other people she didn't even give a damn about and now he's getting whats left. That is possibly the HARDEST thing to come to terms with as a man because you kinda feel like you're not actually as sexy or attractive that you thought you were in this woman's mind that you were in the beginning.

[Larry56]

Okay, first of all, a woman is allowed to have kinky group sex AND want a stable and loving relationship—simultaneously. A woman is allowed to have a sexual experience and feel bad about it later. Many loving couples enjoy going to swingers clubs together. Y'all are morally flaying this woman for her past, as if only an immature person would enjoy those things or that in order for her to be "relationship material," she would have to consider those instances "mistakes."

 

OP, if I was your GF, I would feel uncomfortable knowing that you were judging me like that, for a past that you were not involved in, for things that I have no way of going back and changing. I hope she finds someone less insecure next time.

 

Well he's totally allowed to judge her and let me judge you and tell how wrong you are.

 

 

Imagine this scenario. Your boyfriend proposed, got down on one knee to his last 5 girlfriends and they all REJECTED HIM.

 

Now...he comes to you (number 6) and says "Will you marry me..I will give you my heart and all that".

 

Just remember..this guy got rejected by all his past girlfriends...they didn't want to be with him...now he's giving YOU whats LEFT of him.

 

Are you gonna be THRILLED you're getting a guy NOBODY wants?

 

You're not. That's why also women reject men who nobody wants. Men reject women who gave sex to guys they didn't care about because when you give sex to a guy it initially makes him think he's special.

[guest569]

That's why also women reject men who nobody wants. Men reject women who gave sex to guys they didn't care about because when you give sex to a guy it initially makes him think he's special.

 

Women do not 'give free sex to men'. This is a ridiculous comparison. It's not like women 'run out of sex' and just have 'dregs'. Just because you're insecure and have some weird complex doesn't mean all men do. They don't. Look at how 'rightondude' responded. Is he having an existential crisis? No, he wants some action too.

 

Women HAVE sex with men. As in actually choose to participate willingly.

 

As enigma would say.. let that sink in.