kangaroo Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Going to try and keep this short. Met a guy a year ago, we got on so well, both of us recognised that. He didn’t want a relationship (said it’s to do with his anxiety, I now think he just wants it that way. I don’t want a relationship either but we both recognised how well we got on. We have developed our friendship (sex has been a part of that) and we genuinely care for each other. I think it’s taken me a while to be ok with just being friends and liking him physically too but I still don’t want a relationship and either does he. I was happy hanging out and sleeping together (I have to say here that the sex doesn’t make me feel emotionally attached to him, I think the friendship does, if that makes sense. I think he thinks it’s the other way round). We live in different countries but I’m around every 5-6 weeks. I felt he had been distant the last 7 weeks while I was away, asked him about it, he said it wasn’t intentional and he was dealing with some ****. Fair enough. Turns out he was hanging with another girl for that time but he didn’t want anything with her so it didn’t come to much. It annoys me he can’t just be honest about it without me having to start the convo. Last time I saw him, I noticed the lack of friendly affection that we usually have. When I came home a few days ago, I asked him if he’s still ok with friendship and sleeping together, to which he replied: “I just don’t want problems to be had because of it or getting bad emotions for no reason. We will talk about it” I don’t know what to make of that, I’m not after anything else with him? What did he mean?? Only thing I can think of is that I am quite open about emotions etc and that I enjoy being with him and I like the sex etc. At the beginning I guess I did try to push for a relationship and came on strong emotionally (he came on strong sexually) but as Ive got to know him (and myself a bit better) I know that that’s not what we want, and I am more than happy with just the friendship and sex. Is he saying he doesn’t want sex anymore? I’ve gone back to him twice during the recent convos and said I’m not after anything more and he says we can talk (but we haven’t) . My last text being surely you would know if it’s a yes or no, I don’t really want to keep talking about it. I’ve left that with him and getting on with stuff today. Due to time differences he’s still asleep. We both admit we don’t want any drama, last thing I want. Im not sure I can have the friendship without the sex as that’s how it all started. Any advice? Thanks
Lotsgoingon Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Last time I saw him, I noticed the lack of friendly affection that we usually have. When I came home a few days ago, I asked him if he’s still ok with friendship and sleeping together, to which he replied: “I just don’t want problems to be had because of it or getting bad emotions for no reason. We will talk about it” I don’t know what to make of that, I’m not after anything else with him? What did he mean?? Time to add a skill to your dating and sex life: make the people clarify any confusing statements. Man says something confusing, you don't sit there and squint and try to figure him out. No, it's HIS job to be clear to you ... not your job to pull a dictionary of dating to make sense of his words. Literally say ... very forcefully: "what the heck do you mean?" ... or "I have no idea what you mean. What are you saying? ... or I don't get this" Just to back up a second: when someone says something as unclear as what he said to you ... that means he's talking AROUND an awkward point ... He's tiptoeing around something ... Or he's practicing distraction ... Pay attention to these words here ... and don't notice what I'm saying over there. Tme to practice the assertiveness to put the burden on HIM to make himself clear. "I'm confused" is OK .... But in a situation like this "I"m confused" suggests the problem is with your thinking. "I have no idea what you're saying" ... is much stronger ... because the problem isn't your thinking, the problem is he's talking around something. Then when the person answers you or tries to clarify, you listen intellectually but also pay attention to any body sensations, anything that feels uncomfortable (even if you don't know why) ... and you pay attention not just to his words but also to his tone and his body language. You ask as many follow-up question as you need to get clear. If after this, you're still not feeling clear, RED FLAG. Pause things ... slow down ... something is up ... 1
thefooloftheyear Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Sounds like he never was much into you, and now he's not into you sexually.. He probably hasn't said it to you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.. I dunno...That's what it seems to me...I think its time for you to move on... TFY
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 There may be many reasons for this happening, but if your relationship was based on friendship and sex and now you have neither with this guy then no point in flogging a dead donkey. FWB "relationships" are often fleeting, because people often change and what seemed to be a good idea once, may not continue to be one, as their circumstances alter. 1
Author kangaroo Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 There may be many reasons for this happening, but if your relationship was based on friendship and sex and now you have neither with this guy then no point in flogging a dead horse We still have a great friendship
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 We still have a great friendship You said "Last time I saw him, I noticed the lack of friendly affection that we usually have."
Author kangaroo Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 You said "Last time I saw him, I noticed the lack of friendly affection that we usually have." Sorry, I’m not very good at explaining myself. He’d kiss me longer, he’d put a hand on my knee, on FaceTime he’d blow a kiss at the end... that type of thing
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 The only time I ever backed away from a FWB was because I’d met someone else I wanted to actually date. My guess is that he’s more into this other girl than he’s willing to admit, or that’s he’s met someone new altogether. 2
Author kangaroo Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 The only time I ever backed away from a FWB was because I’d met someone else I wanted to actually date. My guess is that he’s more into this other girl than he’s willing to admit, or that’s he’s met someone new altogether. Yeah that’s what I thought but he is adamant he doesn’t want anything with anyone. Think that last girl isn’t hanging out any more, but a couple of months is a long time for him to be hanging out with someone (despite it being a year for us)
Saracena Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 The only time I ever backed away from a FWB was because I’d met someone else I wanted to actually date. My guess is that he’s more into this other girl than he’s willing to admit, or that’s he’s met someone new altogether. My thoughts exactly. He may not want to admit it and risk hurting your feelings. Given what he said in his response is rather ambiguous though, I'd ask him what he actually meant, just to be sure! He's the only one who'll actually know.....
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Yeah that’s what I thought but he is adamant he doesn’t want anything with anyone. If he is indeed a very hands off, anxious, commitmentphobe kind of a guy, maybe he can't even handle your FWB "relationship" any more without feeling crowded/smothered. Just a thought. 1
smackie9 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 This is what I see....he gave you some song and dance about having anxiety blah blah blah. I doubt that, he just wanted to find an excuse that you wouldn't question to keep you at arms length. You say you have no real feelings for him, but I disagree. You are in denial. You call it what you want, but I see it. You getting worried with the lack of affection and him lying could be him turning off the tap. You convince yourself to believe what he told you, that he was "just hanging out" with this girl. I doubt it was just "hanging out". If it wasn't much of anything, he wouldn't have been distant and lied about it. He is starting to see her seriously, yes that's right, he never stopped seeing her. He is such a coward he won't tell you, he's rather do the slow fade. You claim you have np, and he should just be honest....but that honesty is gonna hurt you bad, because you know you are on your way out. And that is why you are here. You are poopin in yer pampers that it's over. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Yeah that’s what I thought but he is adamant he doesn’t want anything with anyone. Think that last girl isn’t hanging out any more, but a couple of months is a long time for him to be hanging out with someone (despite it being a year for us) Eh, I don't think I'd buy that. 2
Author kangaroo Posted October 21, 2018 Author Posted October 21, 2018 This is what I see....he gave you some song and dance about having anxiety blah blah blah. I doubt that, he just wanted to find an excuse that you wouldn't question to keep you at arms length. You say you have no real feelings for him, but I disagree. You are in denial. You call it what you want, but I see it. You getting worried with the lack of affection and him lying could be him turning off the tap. You convince yourself to believe what he told you, that he was "just hanging out" with this girl. I doubt it was just "hanging out". If it wasn't much of anything, he wouldn't have been distant and lied about it. He is starting to see her seriously, yes that's right, he never stopped seeing her. He is such a coward he won't tell you, he's rather do the slow fade. You claim you have np, and he should just be honest....but that honesty is gonna hurt you bad, because you know you are on your way out. And that is why you are here. You are poopin in yer pampers that it's over. Ok, I tend to waffle which is making this unclear, so basically: His anxiety is very real I have feelings for him as a friend and I like banging him Him hanging out with a girl.. my definition of hanging out can mean they banged each other. I do not care who he bangs. I an not pooping my pampers lol. Having talked to a friend last night, I think I can se what’s happening. I am emotionally involved in our friendship (we are close friends and do open up to each other in a way we don’t to others), I am not emotionally involved in the sex side of things. I think he is thinking my emotionality is the other way round and that’s why he’s pulling away.
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Whatever the reason, he is pulling away. As he is "only" a FWB, then you are far too emotionally involved. Find another "hobby", another confidante, another friend as this one seems to be time expired.
Author kangaroo Posted October 21, 2018 Author Posted October 21, 2018 Whatever the reason, he is pulling away. As he is "only" a FWB, then you are far too emotionally involved. Find another "hobby", another confidante, another friend as this one seems to be time expired. Thanks, I appreciate your answer. I want to move forward and learn from this. Can you say why you feel I’m too emotionally involved? I think I may be giving off vibes that aren’t necessarily how I feel
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Thanks, I appreciate your answer. I want to move forward and learn from this. Can you say why you feel I’m too emotionally involved? I think I may be giving off vibes that aren’t necessarily how I feel I suppose because rather than taking his distance and lack of affection as a sign and letting things fizzle, you feel the need to talk it out with him and seek advice from us. 1
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 I suppose because rather than taking his distance and lack of affection as a sign and letting things fizzle, you feel the need to talk it out with him and seek advice from us. Exactly. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Author kangaroo Posted October 21, 2018 Author Posted October 21, 2018 Exactly. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Ah ok. He’s the one who wanted to talk about it. I’ve not communicated back
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Ah ok. He’s the one who wanted to talk about it. I’ve not communicated back I think I would just take his lack of follow-up as my cue to call it a day on this. It was going to naturally end sooner or later, and it seems that time has come.
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Ah ok. He’s the one who wanted to talk about it. I’ve not communicated back He only wanted to talk about it when you brought it up.
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