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Ended it with a guy who I dated for 2 months. words of encouragement?

dancingintherain12

By dancingintherain12
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guest569 Established Member

guest569

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I dont know how he would want to meet me in person after all I just said :( I don't even know how to go about that, without looking desperate.

 

I don't know. But in general you would be better off not firing off texts about terminating a relationship.

LoverOfDance Established Member

LoverOfDance

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@greymatter - i'm not sure i know what you're talking about.

 

Op, you're working wayy too hard on this and you are thinking too much. I don't know where women find the strength to do all this over thinking. Isn't life already challenging and difficult enough?

 

You are wasting your time on this man BUT go ahead and waste that time. You have to do it so that you can learn.

 

Some women like exhausting relationships though so i wouldn't be shocked if you stayed with him long term. Lukewarm men usually just go along with it if you work hard enough for them. I do hope you don't come back here two years from now still complaining about this man.

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dancingintherain12 Established Member

dancingintherain12

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Thank you all for the great advice.

 

He last said to me

"I like you and I like hanging out with you with you. I want to get to know you better but I guess I move at a slower pace than you. If that makes you uncomfortable I mean I understand."

 

I responded saying "Well, I do like you too.. it's not that it makes me feel uncomfortable, I was just a bit frustrated because I'd like to see you more often. I respect how you feel and I should have voiced it better. Hope you’re not upset with me?"

 

He said hes not upset and hes happy we got to say how we feel. I didnt respond to that, as there was nothing left to say anymore.

 

I'm unsure of where we stand because I really do like him and spending time with him.

 

I'm not used to seeing a guy I'm dating only once a week and hearing from him every other day to every 3 or so days. Meanwhile, sometimes if I do hear from him, its just a chit chat and he doesn't make plans.

 

Thats the part that frustrates me.. how am i supposed to get to know him better if this is the way it's going?

 

Anyway, he sent me a snapchat selfie of him today and I didn't respond. He rarely sends me snapchats. Maybe here and there.

 

I jumped the gun and wish I got to know him better, so what do I do now? I don't know if he thinks were done or not.

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dancingintherain12 Established Member

dancingintherain12

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And to the people asking for context, hes a few years older than me and I am 22. He found me via facebook and started messaging me, I held back for a few weeks to meet him and we started talking and met at a party. He was very responsive at the beginning, we have gone on great dates, hes opened up about his ex girlfriends, he makes me laugh and we have an overall good time. I went away with him and his friends one weekend an hour away for his friends engagement party, we had a sleep over and spent the whole night/day together.

 

Since then he's become more comfortable and less talkative and we see each other once a week from the beginning. He travels quite a bit, every 3 weeks I would say.

 

Halloween is coming up this weekend, and last I saw him , he told me I should come to his friends party. But I don't know if it was one of those nice "you should come" invites to just be nice, or he really wanted me to.

 

I'm confused because I'm not used to lukewarm guys. If they are lukewarm, I usually don't care and move on and distance myself but I find him quite a catch despite everything else.

TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

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I told him that we should just be friends. He said is that what you want ? I told him I know what i want and at this point i should be sensing more of an effort..

he said it sounds like you think im not interested.

i'm just moving at a slower pace.

 

i told him its moving at a pace that isn't really going anywhere.

 

he said he likes hanging out with me, thinks we click well, and that he enjoys my company but if thats how you feel that is how you feel.

 

i told him if he doesnt want to put more effort into it, then best of luck.

 

he told me he wants to get to know me more, and see me, but he doesn't want want me to be upset with him.

 

i told him i'd like to spend more time together, and if that can't change then we should just be friends.

 

waiting on his answer.. but i'm annoyed he didnt try harder to change my mind, which proved my feelings..

 

i hope i made the right decision and didnt make myself look crazy for telling him how i feel, especially since its so early on.

 

i guess i'm looking for support and words of encouragement here.

 

 

Is he dating others?

At 2 months, you should be taking it slow. This is something that used to be hard for me to accept, but its healthier. Take your time to see if this is someone you really see yourself with long-term, as opposed to rushing an emotional connection and then finding out you're a bad match. Makes things way harder to get out of if you're emotionally tied to a bad match.

Try not to impute what an ex did on the new person. Your new date is not your past date. They're two totally different people.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I'm not asking for a relationship right now. I just want to genuinely spend more time with him. Like I said earlier, it is not increasing pace and it is not decreasing either. It is just going the same steady rate the past 8 weeks. I feel like it should increase a little more, I should be getting asked more to make plans with him, but those are only my expectations.

 

 

You say you don't want a relationship but your actions say you are. If it is casual you two are already going at a casual pace. You are complaining that you aren't spending more time with him and that sounds to me like you are trying to move it to relationship status. Next, you'll start getting upset if he starts dating others too even though he is allowed to since you aren't in a relationship.

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dancingintherain12 Established Member

dancingintherain12

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Is he dating others?

At 2 months, you should be taking it slow. This is something that used to be hard for me to accept, but its healthier. Take your time to see if this is someone you really see yourself with long-term, as opposed to rushing an emotional connection and then finding out you're a bad match. Makes things way harder to get out of if you're emotionally tied to a bad match.

Try not to impute what an ex did on the new person. Your new date is not your past date. They're two totally different people.

 

I never asked him. First night we actually hung out, I asked him what hes looking for and he said something serious.

 

We hung out a few more times, and I told him I want a boyfriend and I'm looking for that. He said I am too.

 

I def want to take it slow, but I feel like you can still take it slow while enjoying each others company more than once a week. I find it hard to get to know him better when it's just once a week for a few hours and small texting during the week. I might have shot myself in the foot here, and dont know where we stand anymore (explained in responses in this thread)

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dancingintherain12 Established Member

dancingintherain12

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You say you don't want a relationship but your actions say you are. If it is casual you two are already going at a casual pace. You are complaining that you aren't spending more time with him and that sounds to me like you are trying to move it to relationship status. Next, you'll start getting upset if he starts dating others too even though he is allowed to since you aren't in a relationship.

 

I'm asking to spend more quality time to get to know him better- I want a relationship but not at this very moment. I still want to get to know him better. I want to figure out my financial issues before heading into a relationship. Overall, I do want one, just not now (at least not for 2 months)

 

When did wanting to see someone more often = wanting to be in a relationship?

 

I just want to build a connection. sorry if thats confusing.

LoverOfDance Established Member

LoverOfDance

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OP, I don't know how else to put this to you. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO ASK A MAN WHO IS INTO YOU TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK.

 

A man who LIKES you would want to see you as often as he possibly can. You won't have to ask him. Why are you ok with a man who is lukewarm about you?

 

You had said before that he told you he wasn't ready to commit. Now you're saying he told you he is looking for something serious. I'm honestly confused.

 

I think it is sad that you think you "shot yourself on the foot". YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. You spoke your mind. The only thing you did wrong was doubt your decision to break up with him.

 

Don't keep anyone in the back burner. Wait until your ready to date and then DATE.

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dancingintherain12 Established Member

dancingintherain12

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OP, I don't know how else to put this to you. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO ASK A MAN WHO IS INTO YOU TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK.

 

A man who LIKES you would want to see you as often as he possibly can. You won't have to ask him. Why are you ok with a man who is lukewarm about you?

 

You had said before that he told you he wasn't ready to commit. Now you're saying he told you he is looking for something serious. I'm honestly confused.

 

I think it is sad that you think you "shot yourself on the foot". YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. You spoke your mind. The only thing you did wrong was doubt your decision to break up with him.

 

Don't keep anyone in the back burner. Wait until your ready to date and then DATE.

 

He never said he wasn't ready to commit.. I'm not sure where you got that from? My friend tells me attraction is something that is built. But I guess I will move on from this guy. He sent me a snapchat selfie of him today and I am honestly confused. Its hard to really move on when I really liked him. I dont want a guy who isn't luke warm about me and I fully agree with what you're saying. I wish I could make excuses for this behavior but I have none. I want a guy whos absolutely smitten about me.

LoverOfDance Established Member

LoverOfDance

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Op, you said in one of your threads (the one about him initiating texts and then leaving you hanging in the middle of the conversation), that he told you he wanted to take it slow. A man who wants to take it slow IS NOT READY TO COMMIT. I don't know when he'll be ready. Maybe next month or 5 years from now. You have said you'll be ready to date in 2 months but when will he be ready for that serious relationship he wants?

 

I think that the more time you spend on this guy, the more you'll hinder yourself from meeting a really great one that's actually ready for you. I do understand where you're coming from though. It's hard to move on when you really like them but there is better for you out there.

Edited by LoverOfDance
Zippy2000 Established Member

Zippy2000

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Op, you said in one of your threads (the one about him initiating texts and then leaving you hanging in the middle of the conversation), that he told you he wanted to take it slow. A man who wants to take it slow IS NOT READY TO COMMIT. I don't know when he'll be ready. Maybe next month or 5 years from now. You have said you'll be ready to date in 2 months but when will he be ready for that serious relationship he wants?

 

I think that the more time you spend on this guy, the more you'll hinder yourself from meeting a really great one that's actually ready for you. I do understand where you're coming from though. It's hard to move on when you really like them but there is better for you out there.

 

 

Hold on! I disagree with what your saying. Not all men move fast you know and I m one of them. I move slow but you don't make decisions for other people and tell them what to do. As you say you don't know the man and he`s not here to fight his corner.

 

 

Try to play devils advocate and give the OP choices or information to help.

 

 

I would ask the poster to give him a bit more time to see what type of man he is. If a man is interested he will continue to speak to you and make effort to see you. You`ve only dates for 2 months. You cant get to know a whole persons personality in 2 months. Id ask to stop texting about the relationship and about not seeing each other enough and dumping him. If you can put yourself in his shoes. Imagine getting text after text about the relationship and then getting dumped and then changed your mind. How would you feel?

LoverOfDance Established Member

LoverOfDance

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Zippy, i'm not sure i completely understand what you're saying.

 

The Op seems down on herself and is doubting her decision to break up with him. She told him to put in more effort or there is no point in continuing as she is not happy with what she is getting. I don't see anything wrong with what she has done/said. She expressed how she felt.

 

Based on what she said, it doesn't seem like she actually even really broke up with him. She pretty much told him, let's see each other more and connect more or there is no point in continuing. No one is asking this guy to move fast. She just wants him to move at a pace that shows they are actually heading somewhere. She left the ball in his court.

 

According to her updates, the man still hasn't asked to see her yet. He's busy sending snapchats.

 

I won't make excuses for this man. Based on everything she has posted about him, he doesn't seem serious. I personally think she should date others when she's ready and not put much of her energy on this man.

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MaleIntuition Established Member

MaleIntuition

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Wanting to take things slow is probably more associated with introversion rather than having anything to do with commitment issues.

 

The only reason it is being highlighted as a red flag is because it’s a man and not a women wanting to take it slow. This is - again - a conclusion based on the incorrect assumption that men only want sex and has no issues with leading someone on. When women say that they want to take it slower, it’s applauded as a sound approach to dating.

 

After two month a; define-the-relationship talk is definitely not unreasonable though. But it shouldn’t be done over texts or with break up “threats” as bargaining chips, but rather as a way to figure out if you are on a similar page.

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Gretchen12 Established Member

Gretchen12

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I want a guy whos absolutely smitten about me.

 

Me too!

 

If it doesn't happen, I just friendzone the guy. There is no need to "ask" the guy "um... can you be more smitten about me?" Also if you don't have "the talk", there's no ultimatum, you can still watch and see and have some innocent fun times, just no more physical stuff. Men are not stupid, they know when they've been downgraded.

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AngryGromit Established Member

AngryGromit

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waiting on his answer.. but i'm annoyed he didnt try harder to change my mind, which proved my feelings..

 

 

I recall my ex told me this the first time she told me she was leaving me, thought I should have tried harder to make her stay. I don't know what other men think, but personally I don't have the patience for woman's mind games BS, say what you mean, not this is a love test crap, if he doesn't throw himself on the floor crying don't leave, then he doesn't really love me.

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dancingintherain12 Established Member

dancingintherain12

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If a man is interested he will continue to speak to you and make effort to see you. You`ve only dates for 2 months. You cant get to know a whole persons personality in 2 months. Id ask to stop texting about the relationship and about not seeing each other enough and dumping him. If you can put yourself in his shoes. Imagine getting text after text about the relationship and then getting dumped and then changed your mind. How would you feel?

 

Yes, If a man is interested he will continue to speak to you. Yes, he continues to speak to me, but then leaves my texts hanging and doesn't answer till the next morning. Sometimes he has said sorry, but I have noticed he'd leave my texts hanging then be active on social media. It's not like we have hours and hours of conversation and then it drops out and gets boring. It's usually when we just started to talk a little and then he just drops out.

 

He wants to spend time with you- I have given him an "ultimatium" which i know isn't right and I should have said "do you think at this point in dating we should be seeing each other more often?" or something like that. But the week before this, I did express that I felt like he was leaving me hanging in texts and I'd like to see him more often. He told me he takes things slow, and it doesnt mean he doesnt like me, and it doesnt mean that things can't change in the future.

 

Fast forward this, he texts me a bit, but what the tipping point was for me is that he was in my area for the weekend and didn't make plans to see me. I usually see him and drive an hour to the city to have a date.

 

I was hoping he'd ask me to hang out, as I told him theres this place I want to go to near my area, but he just said "oh seems scary" (its a halloween park)

 

At that point, I was fed up and just said maybe we should just be friends, I dont know if i see this going anywhere, I want to see more of you.

 

Again, I understand that some men move slowly. But I'm not asking for a relationship, I'm just asking to see him more to get to know him better.

 

So to continue, our conversation ended, I didn't respond when he told me he's happy we both expressed how we felt, as there was nothing else to say.

 

next day, he sends me a snapchat selfie of him (which he kinda rarely does)

 

I think the ball is in his court to reach out to me, am I wrong?

 

And when you say you take things slow as well, please define that in your terms of taking it slow. I'd love to hear more and why you want to.

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dancingintherain12 Established Member

dancingintherain12

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I recall my ex told me this the first time she told me she was leaving me, thought I should have tried harder to make her stay. I don't know what other men think, but personally I don't have the patience for woman's mind games BS, say what you mean, not this is a love test crap, if he doesn't throw himself on the floor crying don't leave, then he doesn't really love me.

 

Yes, some woman, including me, need to stop that crap. I owned up that wasn't the right thing to do. I told him I should have voiced my concerns better and hope he wasn't upset with me.

 

Girls do test guys to see how much they care. It is an immaturity thing, I know that for sure.

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dancingintherain12 Established Member

dancingintherain12

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Zippy, i'm not sure i completely understand what you're saying.

 

The Op seems down on herself and is doubting her decision to break up with him. She told him to put in more effort or there is no point in continuing as she is not happy with what she is getting. I don't see anything wrong with what she has done/said. She expressed how she felt.

 

Based on what she said, it doesn't seem like she actually even really broke up with him. She pretty much told him, let's see each other more and connect more or there is no point in continuing. No one is asking this guy to move fast. She just wants him to move at a pace that shows they are actually heading somewhere. She left the ball in his court.

 

According to her updates, the man still hasn't asked to see her yet. He's busy sending snapchats.

 

I won't make excuses for this man. Based on everything she has posted about him, he doesn't seem serious. I personally think she should date others when she's ready and not put much of her energy on this man.

 

I kind of did break it off with him, in the beginning of the texts i wrote "we should just be friends" and he said is that really what you want?

 

I said know what I want and I’m not getting a sense of interest from you as much as I should at this point.

 

 

And yes, he still hasn't asked to see me. But he did say "i still want to see you and get to know you better, i just move at a slower pace than you."

 

 

UPDATE: To everyone who probably doesn't know, where the conversation left off:

 

Him: I like you, I want to get to know you better, if that makes you uncomfortable (my slow pace) I understand.

 

me: i'm not uncomfortable, i'm just a bit frustrated because i do want to see you more often, but i respect how you feel. hope youre not upset with me, i should have voiced it better.

 

him: not upset, happy we both said how we feel though!

 

24 hours later: sends me a snapchat of him.

 

 

nothing since, this was sunday, now its tuesday.

 

What to do now...?

LoverOfDance Established Member

LoverOfDance

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I feel like you're waiting for someone to tell you something you want to hear, smh.

 

You were not testing this man. Just because you gave him two options does not mean you were testing him. He has ALWAYS had two options - date you or don't. He just refused to choose and chose to put you in a grey area. You stood up for yourself and told him to treat you better or you leave. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I don't know how many times i have to say it. You told him, let's see each other more often or just be friends. What is immature about that??? You were direct. Saying things any other way would have been beating around the bush.

 

He has TALKED a lot. Full of talk and no action, smh. Men like him honestly annoy me and i think it's sad that women like you waste precious life waiting for them to wise up.

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TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

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Yes, If a man is interested he will continue to speak to you. Yes, he continues to speak to me, but then leaves my texts hanging and doesn't answer till the next morning. Sometimes he has said sorry, but I have noticed he'd leave my texts hanging then be active on social media. It's not like we have hours and hours of conversation and then it drops out and gets boring. It's usually when we just started to talk a little and then he just drops out.

 

He wants to spend time with you- I have given him an "ultimatium" which i know isn't right and I should have said "do you think at this point in dating we should be seeing each other more often?" or something like that. But the week before this, I did express that I felt like he was leaving me hanging in texts and I'd like to see him more often. He told me he takes things slow, and it doesnt mean he doesnt like me, and it doesnt mean that things can't change in the future.

{snip}

 

I hate when someone leaves you hanging, but you can see they are active on social media :lmao: But at the same time, you can't expect someone to drop all of their connections to talk to you 24/7. But it is frustrating, I agree.

 

I see your point, to some extent. Once a week is not a lot, and at two months I can see you wanting more.

 

But it could also be that he is more introverted and isn't the kind of person that wants to hang out with a girl all the time. You two may not be compatible long-term.

 

You drive to see him? Is it mostly you doing the majority of the work? That may be the core issue here. If one person feels like they are the only one making an effort, then you will get resentful. You feel you're a low priority and it's possible you could be, especially if you are driving to see him. You need to make him work a little bit too. You're aren't being enough of a challenge. I don't see social media and texting as anything that serious because it's convenient and easy. He sends a selfie, so what. That takes all of 2 seconds.

 

Going on dates and planning things out, takes actual effort and shows a level of seriousness of trying to get to know you. But if he was in your area and didn't want to see you, I think he feels he has you and can do anything he wants because you will do all the work. He's taking advantage of you. I don't know if explaining is going to make a difference. You should just back off and let him chase a bit.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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dancingintherain12 Established Member

dancingintherain12

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Well, yes, I drive to see him. But thats only because hes in a city area and theres so much to do- theres limited things to do here on the suburbs. I like going to the city and having fun, so I don't really mind seeing him there. But when he was home this weekend, it kinda stung not to get a text to hang out. Then again, his sibling from college was coming back home, so maybe he wanted to spend time with her.

 

I know dating is game playing, but I miss the days how it was with me and my ex. There was no "playing hard to get" no chasing involved, etc. Just two people genuinely interested in seeing each other, and getting to know each other.

 

Seriously, I don't understand what the hell is up with the dating game now a days. It's so hard to get to know somebody. I'm sick of the games and having to act a certain way so I can seem so much more desirable.

 

Now a days, people want the full package, instead of building something with each other. Guys these days don't chase, or at least they will chase in the beginning, then once they know they "have you" and you're genuinely interested they no longer are. Its effort to play a game, and I'm sick of it.

 

I'd like to meet someone I'm attracted to, interested in, isn't clingy, etc.

 

And yeah, after two months I feel like it should be more than once a week.

 

Anywho, he did call me yesterday, the guy I posted this thread about, and he said he's sorry that he hasn't spent more time with me and the last 2 weeks have been busy for him, and he would like to spend more time with me. Invited me to a halloween party Friday night. So I think I will go and see if anything progresses and see if we could build something, if not, its ok. I'm talking to other men anyways and know I'm a catch.

 

I just feel like people in this forum are super quick to judge. I see it in a lot of threads. While everyone has great advice, some seem to be very black and white.

 

I guess either I will learn the hard way and at least I got a learning experience out of it, or I can develop a good relationship with this guy. Either way I know what I have to offer and know he's not the only guy out there in the world.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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