dcsmom97 Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 I REALLY need some opinions. I posted in another section of the forums, but haven't gotten any responses... Anyway, I will try to give the brief version: I was set up with a guy about 6 weeks ago. We went out and really enjoyed each others company. He called at least evey other day. From the beginning he stated that he'd just gotten out of an 8 year relationship (since Feb. of this year) and that he wasn't interested in rushing into anything. However, he continued to talk about how being single was not all that it is cracked up to be and that he would like to be married and have a nice house, take care of his wife etc. Two weeks passed with us continuing to talk almost everyday and then we got together again. This time he came to my house and we rented DVD's and just chilled out. Eventually, he leaned in to kiss me and I pulled back and told him that kissing changes things - at least for me, but of course I gave in and we wound up making out (kissing, rubbing, touching) for about 3 hours. When he left, he said that he'd call later that day (it was 6 a.m.) and he eventually did and said that he'd thought that he'd have heard from ME. He told me that he'd been thinking about the previous night all day. We continued to talk on the phone- he is in and out of town during the week with his job and has a son that he tries to get and spend time with AMAP AND I live 40 minutes away and have two children - and we got together at his place last weekend, as I was in town visiting relatives. WE'd had a conversaation about taking things slow and not getting physical with each other again, but when we were together, he again leaned in to kiss me and we did the whole make out thing again! When I left, he called me on my cell and was telling me how nice it was to have had me with him at his place, how much he had wanted me etc. When I talked to him the next day, we began discussing what all this meant. He said again that I was nice and that he liked me and wanted to see me again , but was hesistant about rushing into another relationship. He is enjoying hanging out with his friends and feels that that would have to change if he gets into a realtionship. Of course, i got pissed, because I am just now, at 35, realizing that when many of us as women kiss and touch ect. our hearts and brains get all involved, whereas with a lot/most men, they can kiss and touch and have sex independent of their hearts and minds. I mean he says one thing, then he does something different. At that point, he told me that he'd call me back and I told him not to bother and he asked if I was going to stop taking his calls/ignore him. In my coolest voice I said, "No." he didn't call me back, it turns out that he'd fallen asleep in his hotel room while watching football. I told him that I was actually glad because I'd had time to think. He asked what I'd been thinking and this is what I told himI gave him 3 choices - I said that it didn't matter to me which option he chose - (1) Friends with NO benefits, (2) casual aquaintances or (3) nothing. I explained MY definition of friends - someone with whom I am close and talk to 4-5 times at week at the very least, someone who knows me well, knows things about me that others are not privy to, someone that I share my innermost thoughts and feelings with, in other words, someone that I relate to in an emotionally intimate way; casual aquaintances are people that I know and may associate with from time to time, but do not share all of the things that I listed above - there's no emotional intimacy. I told him that on this level, we wouldn't need to talk very often, just every now and then and maybe he could call me sometimes and we could go out if I wasn't busy. Again the third option was nothing. I's daid that perhaps after considering the other 2 options he'd maybe decide that it wasn't worth it at all. I was really surprised that he chose option 1! He said it seemed to him that most really good relationships and marriages come from good friendships. He said that he wanted to continue to persue a friendship with me and see where it goes - if we see that after some time we want it to be more, then we can take it to that level, if not, then we can still be friends. I told him that what had really pissed me off the night before, was that he says what he said, but then he tries to be all physical with me. I told him that that could not happen and reminded him of what he'd said before. He said that he'd tried, but that I'd just looked so sexy, he could help himself ! I also mentioned how it was hard to think that he could be doing the same things with his other friends that he's done with me. He said that with his job, there really isn't time to be dating lots of other girls and that he wouldn't be doing that with more than one person anyway. So here we are being "friends" with the possibility of being more - or NOT. Is there something that I am missing here? Also, it drives me crazy that he never calls me on nights when he has his son. Though I only talk to him at home when my kids are sleeping, they are here ALL the time and I talk to him. What's up with that? Please give me some feed back! THANKS!
Kitteney Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 if you give him an inch he'll take a mile. my guess is that he chose option #1 "because he couldn't help himself" and thought if he kept his foot in the door he could maintain some leverage. If you really meant what you said when you offered up your options, you need to stick to it. Any guy who says he can agree with the codes of conduct and then plays all cute when he bends them (you're so hot I can't help myself) has little/no respect for a woman. in other words he is trying to make YOU responsible for HIS actions. As far as not calling you when he has his child with him, I can't help you there. are you sure it's his kid that he is with? just a thought. he's probably a fine, upstanding fellow, and wants to devote his precious time with his child. if this is the case, i commend him. personally, i prefer not to meet the kids until i know there is something significant going on and he might feel the same way.
Author dcsmom97 Posted September 10, 2005 Author Posted September 10, 2005 Thanks Kitteney - I really appreciate your opinion! I think I need to clarify something: I am not interested in meeting his son, nor am I interested in him meeting my children. That is something that is reserved for the man that knows exactly what he wants and plans to stick around! After he made the the "so sexy " comment, I told him that that was one thing that really pissed me off! We'd agreed after the second time that we saw each other that we wouldn't get physicall with each other. I reminded him that though I gave in (it's been SOOOOOO long since I'd even kissed:o ), HE was the one who'd approached me. He said that the next time that we saw each other, he was going to try harder. Back to his child, I don't have a reason to doubt what he says about spending time with him. I'm just having trouble with the "signals". I can't figure out whether "he's into me" or not!
betterwife Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 You said you just wanted to be friends with him. So, why in the world are you concern about him calling you every night. Obviously, he is not that into you. Didn't you say that you talk to him when your kids at home. Well if he was into you he will call during his so visit. Move on. He is probably just holding on to you just in case he doesn't found the right one. You don't want to be the last resort on someone list.
Author dcsmom97 Posted September 10, 2005 Author Posted September 10, 2005 Betterwife - Thanks for weighing in. I agreed to "be friends" because we both want to go slow - I've only been divorced about 11 1/2 months. You're right about being sloppy seconds. I'd mentioned that to him earlier - that I didn't want to be someone that he was just passing time with until something better comes along. He assured me that that wasn't the case. I guess I should just back off and let him have his space - eight years with someone is a long time. Thanks again for your input!
mixwell Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 Ok coming from a guy it sounds like you are pressing him a little too hard.. I mean if a girl I was seeing gave me choices it would probly push me away.. I think you should just let things take their process and stop worrying soo much. You know 6 weeks isn't a long time at all and you are already giving him ultimatums. Now it sounds like from your post that you ONLY want to be friends despite saying that relationships come from good friendships. Just like betterwife said if you only want to be friends then you shouldn't worry about him calling you all the time.. I think you should try to think about exactly what you want.. You say one thing about being just friends but then you want him to call as if you two were an item.. So maybe that is something you can think about.. Personally I think you should just let things happen and not worry soo much.. Just have fun with it.. life is short why not enjoy it.. If you like the kissing and what not then go for it. Then again I am only 22 so what would I know.. I was in a similar situation as he was being that I was in a relationship for 7 years and it can be a little rough getting back into things.. Hope this helps..
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