Rebuild trust with boyfriend?

[TAgate]

Hi everyone,

 

I came across this forum when I was looking for relationship advice on my current situation. I read through various posts and it seems as though everyone here is helpful which is why I created an account to post here. Now I do apologize for this being somewhat long but here it goes:

 

I met a man named Blake roughly 2 years ago. We were hanging out and pretty much exclusive for the first 10 months before having the official boyfriend/girlfriend title. We had the best relationship ever - no jealousy issues, no fights, no bickering, none of that. We'd met each others families, and all his friends and family LOVE me. He even told me that I'm the first stable and normal girl that he's dated.

 

Well a couple weeks ago this all fell apart and it's 100% my fault. When we first met I was working at company A. A few months in, I got fired but quickly found a position at company B. The two companies were in the same industry and the job positions were the same. Since were still getting to know each other at the time this happened, I never told Blake that I got fired and went to a new company. Truth be told, I was scared and embarrassed to tell him since that was my first time getting fired. Any time I thought about telling him, I would get nauseous and want to throw up so I never did. I guess I just had too much pride when it comes to something like my job. The reason I mentioned my current and prior jobs being in the same industry and the same position is because he'd randomly ask how work is going and I would tell him. I never lied about what I did on a daily basis, but only the company that I was at.

 

Anyways, about 2 or 3 weeks ago he found out I wasn't at Company A anymore. He was pretty angry about the situation and over the phone basically broke up with me. I went over to his place a few minutes later and begged and pleaded to give me one last chance. I understand how badly I messed up but we had something so good and it was disappointing to throw it all away over a stupid lie. Mind you this is the only time I've lied to him. He told me he was willing to give me a chance but that he needed some space (which I completely understand).

 

A few days after that he texted me saying we can "start over" at a wedding that he planned to go to the following weekend. I accepted. Two days later he asked if we could meet up and hang out and I said yes. Since this was our first time seeing each other face to face, it was AWKWARD to say the least. I figured it would be like that since the situation was so fresh that the dust hadn't settled yet. He told me he's still upset at me and needs to rethink about inviting me to the wedding. I told him that's fine and that I understand.

 

He texted me the next day for a quick conversation but we didn't speak about the situation. I felt like we were making progress so I texted him first a few days later. He seemed cold and angry, told me he'd rather text me first, and told me he didn't want me to come to the wedding. I completely understood and told him that was fine since he clearly still needed some space.

 

Flash forward to after the wedding (as of this point, the incident happened two weeks prior), he texted me acting like everything was normal. The day after that we met up for dinner and although he was still a little mad at me, it was pretty clear that we were making progress. He told me that he doesn't trust me AT ALL. I told him that I completely understand and that I was sorry for hiding this from him and hurting him.

 

After we went our respective homes he texted me saying that if I were anyone else, he would've cut them out completely. I told him that we can take baby steps. I just don't want to push this too hard in case it backfires and ends badly.

 

I still miss talking to him on the daily and seeing him throughout the week. I know that we're taking baby steps here so my question to all you is:

 

1. For those who have been in my situation (aka you were the one who lied), how did you rebuild that trust?

 

2. How long did it take to build the trust? I realize it's not an overnight thing but I keep having unrealistic expectations in my head and need some reality here.

 

3. Besides being completely transparent with Him what else can I do to rebuild the trust?

 

4. For those who have been in my situation, how long did it take for the relationship to get back to "normal" terms?

 

5. Any tips and advice on how I should treat our relationship moving forward? I've heard that you can't go back in like how you were previously and to treat it as a brand new relationship - is this true?

Edited October 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal references ~ V

[Gaeta]

How long have you been official gf-bf? Do you live together?

 

I find his reaction over the top if you're just dating. It's none of his business. You got fired, you got a new job right away, and felt embarassed to tell him. You didn't cheat, stole or murdered anyone.

 

It smells fishy, like he was waiting for an excuse to break up with you. Does he react over the top with other things as well?

 

If I discovered my bf changed job and didn't tell me I would be concern with the fact he didn't feel 'safe' enough in our relationship to tell me and lean on me. I would not go bat crazy and calling it a lie.

 

 

My tip? Ignore him for a while till he crawls back. I personally would ask myself if this is the type of character I want in my life.

Edited October 20, 2018 by Gaeta

[TAgate]

How long have you been official gf-bf? Do you live together?

 

I find his reaction over the top if you're just dating. It's none of his business. You got fired, you got a new job right away, and felt embarassed to tell him. You didn't cheat, stole or murdered anyone.

 

It smells fishy, like he was waiting for an excuse to break up with you. Does he react over the top with other things as well?

 

If I discovered my bf changed job and didn't tell me I would be concern with the fact he didn't feel 'safe' enough in our relationship to tell me and lean on me. I would not go bat crazy and calling it a lie.

 

 

My tip? Ignore him for a while till he crawls back. I personally would ask myself if this is the type of character I want in my life.

 

We've been officially boyfriend and girlfriend just a little over one year now. We currently do not live together however, I was at his place so frequently that we had plans to move in together at the end of the year.

 

You know what's weird? He's NEVER overreacted before. This is the first time I've seen it. I know there have been other times prior to this where I may have said something dumb but he wouldn't react so strongly. He'd always just laugh it off or what not. If anything else I've done in the past has bothered him, he's never let me know. He's usually pretty calm.

 

I honestly even explained to him that me not telling me about my job situation was an insecurity on my behalf and not how he would react. Hell, it took me MONTHS before I told my own parents about my job situation because I was THAT insecure about it.

 

But you are right, I'll definitely ignore him until he comes crawling back. Thank you for responding - I appreciate it more than you know.

[Brady_to_Moss]

Very over the top for a lie that wasn't a major one IMO aka with a guy ect. Seems strange that would make him break up with you if what you had was so strong before. Maybe past trust issues because of a bad breakup on his end?

[Kelliousme]

Literally my only reaction is... WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM??????

 

There's absolutely no need to rebuild trust.. you need to rebuild a new boyfriend.

 

I have never heard of anyone reacting the way he did. Okay.. yeah you got fired and you didn't want to tell him you got fired. So? You don't have to tell him everything in your life. You got a new job. Though I guess if I were you I'd tell him I got a new job because you wanted a change at a new company but exclude the firing part. But so what if you didn't tell him? It's not a big deal. If he loves you he wouldn't break up with you over something as trivial as this.

 

I'm thinking the same thing too, that he probably wants to find an excuse to break up with you. Otherwise I don't see why anyone would break up with someone over a dumb situation like this. Unless he's really emotionally unstable and just want you to tell him EVERYTHING and everything truthfully and if he doesn't get that then it's all over for you guys. In both cases, you're better off without him. He's cray.

[ExpatInItaly]

To be a voice of dissent - I can understand that he's not happy you lied. I don't think it's fair to assume he's totally in the wrong here and he's way out of line being thrown by it. You lied by omission, so naturally, he probably is wondering if you've lied about other things as well.

 

I do find his reaction extreme, to be clear. Breaking up over this is a lot, but as someone else suggested, perhaps he was already looking for a way out.

Edited October 20, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[smackie9]

It's not just about the lie that has him reeling, it's the fact that you didn't trust him enough to show yourself in your weakest moment, show your vulnerability to him. That speaks volumes to him and it hurts.

 

 

 

And to let him think you still worked at company A for this whole year of being together is disgusting. He's feeling like a damn fool. Yes this can be grounds for dismissal. Suck it up sista, you have a long road ahead of you.

[Gaeta]

It's not just about the lie that has him reeling, it's the fact that you didn't trust him enough to show yourself in your weakest moment, show your vulnerability to him. That speaks volumes to him and it hurts.

Why is it on her that this relationship wasn't safe enough to her to confine in him?

[smackie9]

Why is it on her that this relationship wasn't safe enough to her to confine in him?

I'm just proposing his possible perspective. But it's a combination of things, not just her not saying she got fired.