heartwhole2 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 If him imagining that the necklace still means something to you is bothering you, it sounds like you want/need a gesture that will take your power back. What do you want him to know? -that you reject him? -that it's really over? -that you're ok without him? I spent a lot of time thinking that the correct gesture would give me closure and peace, and it didn't really work out that way, though I had a lot of fun trying. What I needed to do was speak to the vulnerable part inside of me that was hurt. Telling him, "I REJECT YOU!" might feel good in the moment. But I think what's underneath it is, "I feel foolish and rejected." Anger is a nice mask to hide our vulnerabilities behind, and it's useful when it is a catalyst to get out us out of bad situations. But anger will not heal us. Personally I wouldn't send the necklace because it resets the clock to zero for contact. And you cannot control how he views the gesture or reacts. You want him to feel the way that you do because that feels fair, but even if you could engineer his feeling that way, it wouldn't take away your pain and shame. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 I am curious. You mentioned "taking revenge", and that "revenge is best served cold" earlier in the thread. What were you contemplating? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 There is absolutely no motivation other than return it but I never intended to mail it to his house. I was going to send it to his office. We dont send people "messages" and not expect a reply. I believe if your only intention were to get rid of it, it would already be in file 13. I believe you are in some way expecting a response. This is classic bargaining and part of the process. Throw the thing out and be done with it, it's just more energy wasted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 I had intended to send it with no message, just the piece. I suppose I didn't want him thinking I'm holding on to it for sentimental reasons. It was my 'I let it go' move. As for my revenge, well let's just say it involves a bit of online catfishing lol but it would actually take who knows how long to have 'the stars align' and some effort, neither time nor effort I'm inclined to put in. But I can dream, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Kat, your biggest revenge is to find true happiness outside of him when the time is right and you are fully healed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Share Posted June 7, 2019 So it's Friday June 7. One year ago today, we said "I love you" or the first time. And the last 24 hours I haven't been OK. It's been more than a month of the new normal. I've had the odd meltdown but mostly I've been OK. The last 24 hours have just been really hard. The thought of being with him or anywhere near him makes me shudder. So it isn't even that I miss him or want to see him. I'm just overwhelmed and I don't know why. I don't know why I have this heaviness inside or why I want to scream and bawl my eyes out. I know I just have to push through but dang, this is hard Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 (edited) Healing is not linear. I am really sorry you are having a rough day today. It is always a process and never an easy one. Hugs. Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 It is hard, but you will make it through. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 I’m sorry today is tough Kat. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s not rational, but those anniversary days can be rough. Thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Time for some distractions. If you're still feeling this way tomorrow, hit a coffee shop or someplace similar and find some people to socialize with. Or break out the Breaking Bad CDs. Hit the gym. Something... Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 (edited) You’re grieving the person you thought he was one year ago. That is natural. And it’s hard. I’m sorry he’s not the person he portrayed himself to be. Edited June 8, 2019 by sagamore Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 You have come such a long way LKK, I know it is not easy, but you really need to give yourself a lot of credit for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 OP, I once fell very hard for a very abusive personality disordered man. We started dating in early May and obviously he wasn't abusive right out of the gate. On the contrary, he was attentive, charming, affectionate and soooooo good looking. I wondered, how did I get so lucky to meet this one of kind wonderful man? I felt like I'd won the lottery. The abuse started later but those first 6-8 months with him were some of the happiest months of my life. Once the real him came out and started abusing me it clearly soured our relationship but it still took me a long time to get out of it because I so wanted the man I thought he was to reappear. I was certain that guy was still in there somewhere, sometimes I still caught a glimpse of him. Once I finally understood that the abuser was the real him and the wonderful man I fell in love was the fake, I got strong enough to walk away. However for literally years afterwards I would become sad and melancholy in May. I would be flooded with memories of how happy I was during that first spring and summer together. I knew he was bad news for me, that he wasn't the person I fell in love with, but I just missed being that happy and that in love. The first May after our breakup was the hardest. My mood really plummeted and it actually took a couple of months before the clouds passed, but I got through and it got easier again. Until the next spring when it hit me again but not as hard, and each spring got easier. You don't really miss him. You miss the memories and the love you thought you had. Hang in there because this phase will pass and you will feel better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 Healing is not linear. I am really sorry you are having a rough day today. It is always a process and never an easy one. Hugs. Thanks for the hugs Stars Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 It is hard, but you will make it through. Some days I'm not so sure. If I knew then what I know now ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 I’m sorry today is tough Kat. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s not rational, but those anniversary days can be rough. Thinking of you. Thanks. Another one yet to come ... ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 Time for some distractions. If you're still feeling this way tomorrow, hit a coffee shop or someplace similar and find some people to socialize with. Or break out the Breaking Bad CDs. Hit the gym. Something... Yeah, I've already watched the full season of Bull, FBI, Hawaii 5-0 and all 3 NCISs. Not a lot of energy or will but trying to find them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 You’re grieving the person you thought he was one year ago. That is natural. And it’s hard. I’m sorry he’s not the person he portrayed himself to be. I think you hit the nail on the head. Your post unleashed a torrent of tears. It isn't the last 6 months I'm grieving. That is a relief to be unburdened from. It's the illusion of the first half that keeps flooding back. I guess it's true what they say ... if it's too good to be true it likely isn't real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 (edited) Hugs Kat..... Thanks. Doesn't feel like I'm doing great ... far from. Mostly I can't cry. And even when I can, it doesn't last long. I've never been a crier. Always stoic. Today isn't any better. Hard not to look back. Too many things running through my mind. This is the first beautiful weekend and I know he's out cycling. Last year I would be preparing a picnic lunch and meeting at a conservation area. We'd sit on the blanket, eat and talk for hours. Sunday mornings we'd meet for breakfast, go for a long hike and then lunch. How was he able to do that every weekend? Barely a text asking where he is all day. No wonder he thought she didn't care. Not this year. Cautionary note to every OW or would-be OW: when is good it's phenomenal; when it starts going bad it's increasingly painful and when it ends it's unlike any painful experience ever. Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 You have come such a long way LKK, I know it is not easy, but you really need to give yourself a lot of credit for that. Thanks Aloha. Unfortunately it feels more like I'll never get unstuck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 (edited) OP, I once fell very hard for a very abusive personality disordered man.... Thanks for sharing your story Anika. I'm sorry you endured an abusive relationship. No one should have to. How you felt is exactly how I feel now. It was perfect. We were like two sides of the same coin. Compatible, similar interests, finished each other's sentences. I never experienced such happiness, feeling so alive and loved. But it wasn't real. I suppose it was at the time but his real life eventually became a major factor, as it should have been all along. Now he just carries on as though I never existed and I get to pick up the pieces. Just wish I knew how. Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Thanks. Doesn't feel like I'm doing great ... far from. Mostly I can't cry. And even when I can, it doesn't last long. I've never been a crier. Always stoic. Today isn't any better. Hard not to look back. Too many things running through my mind. This is the first beautiful weekend and I know he's out cycling. Last year I would be preparing a picnic lunch and meeting at a conservation area. We'd sit on the blanket, eat and talk for hours. Sunday mornings we'd meet for breakfast, go for a long hike and then lunch. How was he able to do that every weekend? Barely a text asking where he is all day. No wonder he thought she didn't care. Not this year. Cautionary note to every OW or would-be OW: when is good it's phenomenal; when it starts going bad it's increasingly painful and when it ends it's unlike any painful experience ever. Just try to remind yourself on bad days, that it will past. You will get through it, and this is just part of the road to recovery. It was how I got myself through those days. On the really rough days, I had some meds to help through the panic attacks, and I would just take those and be able to sleep. It is really, really hard to come to terms that the person you loved isnt a real one. I still struggle to understand what was real. Some days I just shake my heads and say, "it doesnt matter, it was real to me, who cares about him." And I also just operate that everything was just smoke and mirrors. And this was my husband. So ingest it. I can give you some insight into how he was able to do it. My xWH was a cyclist. Most weekends he would spend cycling. Mountain biking or road biking. He cant talk/text while riding. This was how it was since I met him. Bow looking back, I wonder what he was truly doing in those times. It is scary that for 20 years, I was a complete fool. Cycling was a huge part of his life. Then came the camping trips with the boys. I never wanted to take that away from him. We both needed lives outside of each other. I enjoyed cycling myself and camping and hiking, backpacking, etc. But him doing with me is different than him doing with his guys or alone who were his skill level. I'm a chick, I cant keep up with him. So do not just think his wife knew what was up and just didnt care. There are probably a million things she believed he was doing. Try not to obsess with that. I'm telling you, when you are in a long term marriage, you just tend to trust the person you are married to. And you believe what they say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Thanks. Doesn't feel like I'm doing great ... far from. Mostly I can't cry. And even when I can, it doesn't last long. I've never been a crier. Always stoic. Today isn't any better. Hard not to look back. Too many things running through my mind. This is the first beautiful weekend and I know he's out cycling. Last year I would be preparing a picnic lunch and meeting at a conservation area. We'd sit on the blanket, eat and talk for hours. Sunday mornings we'd meet for breakfast, go for a long hike and then lunch. How was he able to do that every weekend? Barely a text asking where he is all day. No wonder he thought she didn't care. Not this year. Cautionary note to every OW or would-be OW: when is good it's phenomenal; when it starts going bad it's increasingly painful and when it ends it's unlike any painful experience ever. LKK, we were just talking about this on another thread. The way the BS is set up to be seen as the problem. The OW on that thread actually quite resents the amount of times the BW contacts her MM. She accuses the BW of "using" her problems and their son as "tools" to get his attention. She "faked" a crisis once to get her husband to come home. That MM travels away from home for more than 250 days a year and works 16 hour days when he is home and still the OW sees his wife as overly demanding and apparently thinks the BW should just handle her own damn problems and leave her poor husband alone. But when a BW is independent and gives her husband trust and freedom then she gets judged for not caring. When I'm in a relationship I tend to trust my partner and give him all the space he needs. If he tells me he's going biking for the day or visiting with friends I'm not going to text him or call him just to chat about mundane things that can wait until later. Besides why would it be on the wife to maintain contact. Was your MM texting or calling her? I could just as easily say "how can he leave his wife alone all day, barely even sending a text wondering what she's doing? No wonder she feels like her husband doesn't care about her" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 To many OW the lack of contact from MM to their BW just reaffirms in their minds that he does not love his wife, but he wants to truly be with OW. It does not put into perspective that after so many years, most people do not need to be in constant contact. It is also does not take in perspective that wives do not always feel as if they need to check up on their husbands. OW gets to know he is a cheating scumbag.... BW is operating that her husband is committed to his marriage. It is hard for OW to understand but that is because they have all the puzzle pieces, BW does not. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Unfortunately it feels more like I'll never get unstuck. You are already unstuck. It just doesn’t feel like it today... Go outside and do something nice for yourself. You don’t need to fight tomorrow battles today. On this day, you just need to get through it... That’s the good thing about feelings - they change. Hang in there. This too shall pass... Link to post Share on other sites
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