Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PinkPampies]

You don't just leave when you only have joint accounts, credit cards and no place to stay. Taking action to have individual accounts and a place to stay are part of the planning process. The other part is considering actions and reactions so he doesn't get sucked into staying again if leaving is truly his intent.

 

It’s really sad to see you still making excuses for him.

 

I think you put on a strong show here, but you’re still open to being with him if he says the right words.

 

It is pretty easy to leave. I’ve done it. So have millions of others. He just has to put on his big boy panties and do it. You do realize that he’s going to tell you he has a plan and he loves you and wants to be with you blah blah blah. Then you, by choice are going to believe him and start the hamster wheel again.

 

You were moving forward. Keep moving! Healing will begin only when you let go. I strongly urge you NOT to see him or speak to him any longer because there is nothing else to say. Your answer to ANY communication from him should be, “email me the separation papers and your new address before I will speak to you. “

[elaine567]

Mark made some great points.

What you have is Pride and Prejudice in reverse.

 

The "bad" guy in Pride & Prejudice was proven to be the good guy all along and the heroine rode off into the sunset with a gentlemen and a scholar.

 

The "good" guy in your situation, is proving to really be the bad guy and if you are non too careful you will ride off into the sunset with a cad...

[mark clemson]

I'm curious, why do you think I don't love him any longer? I will admit I haven't the respect for him I once did. The love? Not sure. Maybe that's subconsciously why I wonder if I should see him.

<later>

 

The truth is I've been so angry that I haven't thought about how I feel about him at this point in time.

 

 

Well, your words are what made me think that - all your posts bashing him and stating all the negatives. And stating that once you're done, you're done, etc.

 

So really, you told me.

[georgia girl]

Kat,

 

I had similar thoughts to Mark’s. Sometimes, we spend so much time in the drama and wanting to “get” that person into our life that we become singularly focused and never really stop to think if that person is truly what we want. This is especially true after you’ve spent so much time chasing him.

 

When this all started, he was your idealized partner. But that guy disappeared over four months ago and you got to see who he really is - warts and all. You know he is indecisive, unreliable and conflict avoidant. Yes, your mind still gets a rush when he says he loves you and wants only you, but is that more the rush of attai I g your original goal and less to do with who he actually is or what a relationship with him long term would be like? He isn’t going back to the guy you first got involved with. This is who you get. Is this really what you want?

 

Kat, I think you have closed your mind to no other possibilities of a future BUT him. It’s time to rethink. I also don’t think you are in love with him anymore. He has let you down too many times and made you so tired. Real love genuinely doesn’t work that way. It’s okay to still want him but don’t lie to yourself, you really don’t love him. You just don’t want to be lonely. You can do way better out there on the open market.

[Abetterme]

@markclemson - your posts are so spot on!!! kat I think when you get some space and clarity you will see exactly what Mark is getting at. I had an epiphany of this sort a while back and it’s really helped my peace. Even if circumstances were drastically different and my xMM and I were both single, too much hurt has occurred for me to ever trust him or be vulnerable. You don’t want him, you’re just still too deep in the fog and hurt to know it.

 

You will get there if you give yourself the gift of NC. I hope you don’t see him tonight. I really do understand how hard it would be. I know even after 3 months my addicted brain would try and steer me that direction, but it’s like a sickness and you have to fight it with rationality.

 

I feel like it’s an exorcism and I need to say “the power for Christ compels you” at this point lol!!! Hopefully you get the reference, but it is legit not far off ha!

[mark clemson]

@Abetterme and others - thanks!

[anika99]

You don't just leave when you only have joint accounts, credit cards and no place to stay. Taking action to have individual accounts and a place to stay are part of the planning process. The other part is considering actions and reactions so he doesn't get sucked into staying again if leaving is truly his intent.

 

Actually it really is as simple as just leaving. I have left more than one longterm relationship. I may have waffled back and forth in my head for a few weeks but once I made my mind up and told my partner it happened very fast. The last time I had to leave a relationship I had nowhere to go and not enough money to get my own place. As a matter of fact I gave my partner all the money I had to help him get through the next month since I was not giving him a lot of notice. Then I went to stay with my brother. It took me 6 days to leave after I said I was leaving and that was a long 6 days because once we knew I was going being in the same space together was misery. After I left we continued to disentangle our lives. I had to get my own car insurance and cell phone plan, we had to separate accounts. Somethings remained combined for a little while because due to service agreements and contracts but none of those details required that we stay under the same roof.

 

Taking action to find a place and get seperate accounts doesn't require planning, it requires doing. It doesn't take months. Hell it doesn't even take a week! When you want your own account you make a simple phone call and open a damn account. Shouldn't take more than 30 minutes. I mean think about it. Let's say you're a renter and you tell your landlord you're going to leave. Once you make that decision you have 30 days to get your ass out. You can't be sitting there months later going 'waaahhh, but I don't know how to pack, waaahhh, I don't know how to find my own place, I haven't figured out my plan, I need more months to figure this out'. When renters give notice, they have 30 days to figure their sh*t out and somehow they do and life goes on.

 

Seems to me that it's only married cheaters who find these simple tasks that millions of people accomplish everyday so monumental that it requires months and months of thinking and talking. He told you 7 months ago that he wanted to leave but has taken zero action towards actually making that happen. Talking to you or his wife about how unhappy he is, is not taking action. Now you want to meet with him to hear his plan? He doesn't need to freaking plan, he needs to DO! The time for planning is long overdue and it's time for action! Why can't you just tell him that you've heard enough of his lofty plans and you don't want to see him or talk to him until he's fully out of the marital home?

 

I mean seriously, who can go through life never doing anything but thinking and planning. I think I'll go to work today and just think about how to work. When my manager asks me why I'm not getting anything done I'll tell her "I'm trying to plan how to work because working isn't as simple as just coming to work and you know, working. I need months to plan the the right way to work first". She will probably tell me I can do all the planning I want, down at the unemployment office, lol. The world waits for no one. Nowhere else in life would this kind of nonsense be tolerated. How is hearing anymore of his talking and planning acceptable to you?

[Naivewomen]

I am sending you extra strength today!

[PhoenixRising8]

My anxiety level is quite high again today, just like it was on Tuesday.

[BTDT2012]

Your anxiety level is high because deep down you still want him to choose you. I really hope you decline the opportunity to meet with him.

[BaileyB]

My anxiety level is quite high again today, just like it was on Tuesday.

 

That is your body’s way of saying... abort, abort, abort.

[PhoenixRising8]

@BTDT2012 I'm fairly certain my anxiety is not related to wanting to be the chosen one. He's already confirmed that in the call lol. All words, no action - yes I am aware of that.

 

@Bailey I think you may be spot on.

[Abetterme]

That is your body’s way of saying... abort, abort, abort.

 

Bailey is right! Don’t do it. Make the decision to not go and you will feel better. Don’t even tell him you’re not going or give him the opportunity to try and convince you to go. Just don’t, you know what lies ahead.

[PhoenixRising8]

I went and I'm glad I did.

 

Mark was right. I don't love this version of him. I loved the illusion of who he was.

 

After 10 days of NC he really missed me and realized what he was giving up. He wanted to talk about how to make us a reality. Tonight he he said he didn't want to lose me and for the time being, because of what was going on with his daughter he had to wait. But he wanted us to continue our relationship, even just to go out to dinner or a movie for the time being and he would work towards his exit in the next few months. When I turned up the heat he could barely look me in the eye.

 

I could hardly stand to look at him. I'm sure the contempt I had for him was not well hidden. Just the sight of him made my stomach turn. I told him he has been cruel to everyone. That the upset in his family is of his own making and that he wants to suck me back into the affair with false promises but I am taking back my dignity and self respect and not buying into his lies. With that I told him to have a nice life and walked out without turning back.

 

It isn't what everyone said I should do but it worked for me. I think for a fleeting moment he wanted to leave but in the end he is exactly where he wants to be and he can stay there. I want better than a lying cheater who has no compunctions about being selfish, manipulative and cruel. I deserve better. His poor wife! She's welcome to him.

[BaileyB]

I want better than a lying cheater who has no compunctions about being selfish, manipulative and cruel. I deserve better. His poor wife! She's welcome to him.

 

Amen! After 1000 posts, you may just have it... what we have all been telling you all along.

[PhoenixRising8]

Wash, rinse, repeat...

 

I’m not sure how many more times you’re going to go for this ploy...

 

It’s the same old thing every time.

 

Ya, now you’re mad (again) then he will wait another two weeks and try the same thing again... you’ll be lonely enough to “see” him.

 

 

When does it REALLY end KitKat?

 

You’re playing games with yourself now the past few weeks.

 

Why even meet him today? You know how much satisfaction that gives him?

 

You’re still feeding his ego. He’s NOT leaving HER.

 

Don’t ya get it? Every time he says NOTHING new.

 

It’s tiresome. Aren’t ya tired KITKat?

 

What part of "I have nothing but contempt for him" suggests I will go back. I am done. He literally makes me ill. I don't want to go to dinner with him or anything else. He is vile and despicable. Selfish and self centred. He doesn't deserve someone as loyal and loving as I am. He is now in the same box as my ex. No better.

[Aloha123]

Well I for one give you a lot of credit, LKK. You have come a long, long way. You are lightyears ahead of me. I was willing to settle for a lot less than you ever were. You stood up for yourself. You decided when to at least try to cut your losses. etc.

 

I actually sent you a private message earlier this week, saying that if you did go, be prepared not to hear anything new, because the married men in these situations tend to talk in circles, sound like a broken record, etc.

 

And, true to form, that is exactly what happened!

[BTDT2012]

I just hope that the next time he calls you will simply hang up yjhe phone at the sound of his voice.

[PhoenixRising8]

I would say he won't contact me again but I'd likely be proven wrong lol. Maybe not this time. Who knows. Not even going to try to guess.

[mark clemson]

Good for you, LKK!

 

 

Suggestion: look for ways to find some decent friends to socialize with and integrate into your life a bit and some distractions while you continue your "reset".

 

Are you planning to date or are you going to give it some time (don't have a specific suggestion on whether to or not, mostly just curious)?

 

It sounds like you have turned the corner. I think a lot of folks around here are rooting for you and hoping you have!

[PhoenixRising8]

Well I for one give you a lot of credit, LKK. You have come a long, long way. You are lightyears ahead of me. I was willing to settle for a lot less than you ever were. You stood up for yourself. You decided when to at least try to cut your losses. etc.

 

I actually sent you a private message earlier this week, saying that if you did go, be prepared not to hear anything new, because the married men in these situations tend to talk in circles, sound like a broken record, etc.

 

And, true to form, that is exactly what happened!

 

Just saw your PM.

 

Frankly, I wasn't sure what to expect. His last email said

 

"Good evening beautiful Kat. It was most certainly wonderful to chat and hear your lovely voice again. I have truly missed you these past 10 days.

 

I promise to give a lot of thought to you and US over the next few days till we meet up again - can't wait to see you again.

 

You are by far the most amazing woman that I have ever known. Truly one in a billion. One whom i can have a most amazing life with.

 

Chat Thursday on the subject of being able to make it a reality.

 

Good night and sweet dreams my darling Princess Kathryn "

 

I followed up with something like if you are committed to making it a reality, I guess we can talk otherwise there's no point. And on Wednesday and today, right back where he left off with morning and night calls and in between. Always definitive about discussing the way forward as a couple. Well I guess we did talk about making it a reality ... not. I knew right away it wasn't going to go the way he led me to believe when he started to hum and haw. I couldn't bear to look at him any longer so I got up and left.

[PhoenixRising8]

Good for you, LKK!

 

 

Suggestion: look for ways to find some decent friends to socialize with and integrate into your life a bit and some distractions while you continue your "reset".

 

Are you planning to date or are you going to give it some time (don't have a specific suggestion on whether to or not, mostly just curious)?

 

It sounds like you have turned the corner. I think a lot of folks around here are rooting for you and hoping you have!

 

How does one look for friends? Serious question. I've never been one to make friends easily. And when I do, my loyalty and friendship gets stomped on in the end.

 

As for dating, I did set up a profile on Elite but the attractive ones my age all seem to want younger ones. Otherwise, slim pickings.

 

I am currently messaging with someone who's in the Bahamas for another week. He wants to have dinner when he gets back. Then he messaged wanting to know if he could fly me down to the Bahamas for a long weekend lol. I thanked him and said I prefer to establish a friendship with someone before I go on vacation with them. He said he understood.

[mark clemson]

Wow, what a bastard.

[PhoenixRising8]

You agree I didn't misinterpret what he said he wanted to talk about then?

 

I don't understand how he could be so vile and malicious when he knows what I've been through. How is he any better than my ex?

[mark clemson]

Sorry, crossed posts.

 

You could try out open social activities centered around clubs, causes, or interests. Church groups is an option if you are up for that. IMO, meetups is a good way to go, esp. if you are in a larger urban area. There are also friendship apps you could try.

 

Chat with some of the people and see if any of them stick.

 

Also if there are neighbors you feel are trustworthy (in my experience more are than aren't, but I understand it can be different for women) strike up some conversations.