BaileyB Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 If/when you walk on Thursday??? So gracious of him to volunteer to end this affair because it is in YOUR best interest, what a good guy. You know where we stand Kat. You do what you want, but you know what we think. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 I told him that if/when I walk on Thursday it will be for good because when I'm done, I'm done and I'm done with his indecision and deferrals. Maybe I'm crazy but After this I will have no regrets or what ifs. Keep in mind, maintaining good boundaries means knowing when you are wasting time, emotion and resources. I remind you, even you admit, this fella isn’t a good fit. I mean, how in sam hill does he go from not reconciling with you, and wanting some nebulous “closure” to “working out an exit plan”? And how about his daughter that’s struggling - did that change in the last 12 hours? I’m sorry you are hurting, but this had me belly laughing, out loud! YOU need to be the one with gonads, here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 If/when you walk on Thursday??? So gracious of him to volunteer to end this affair because it is in YOUR best interest, what a good guy. You know where we stand Kat. You do what you want, but you know what we think. He either has an exit plan I deem acceptable or he doesn't. If he doesn't, and he likely won't then he knows I'm gone for good. I honestly can't do this anymore. The last 10 days have been difficult but not impossible. I woke up, went to work, the world kept spinning. Who knows, I may see him and not even care what his plan is. It's said that weaknesses are often overdone strengths. I am loyal to a fault. I know this. But my loyalty only goes so far and he is at the end of it. I certainly will not give him 30 years like I gave my ex. He was my pillar of strength during my separation so to some degree that has influenced me. But I've repaid him for that support and now he puts his money where his mouth is. Or he doesn't. Then I'm gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 Keep in mind, maintaining good boundaries means knowing when you are wasting time, emotion and resources. I remind you, even you admit, this fella isn’t a good fit. I mean, how in sam hill does he go from not reconciling with you, and wanting some nebulous “closure” to “working out an exit plan”? And how about his daughter that’s struggling - did that change in the last 12 hours? I’m sorry you are hurting, but this had me belly laughing, out loud! YOU need to be the one with gonads, here. I guess I will determine on Thursday... I've wasted months, one coffee is nothing. Truth is his daughter has been struggling for years. I told him it's time she maybe sees a therapist. I asked him if his ego is so massive that he thinks only he can save her. My daughter lost her identity and sense of self 9 months ago and she's pressing on. Because I am allowing her the opportunity to find her own way. Yes I'm there to support but I can't solve every problem for her or make all the boo boos go away. She has to develop her own coping mechanisms, something he isn't giving her the space to do. And I reminded him that she herself told him she and her brother shouldn't factor into any decision related to her parent's marriage. I know this because I personally heard her say this. So if he's waiting for the perfect moment, it will never come. As far as I'm concerned, we are over and it's up to him, by actions to convince me otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 he's committed to working out an exit plan from his marriage or from the affair? I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 Exit plan from his marriage. He maintains he doesn't love his wife and I am the one he wants as his life partner. Living a lie is taking a toll on him and the last 10 days have been hard for him because all he can think of is me. We shall see. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 I firmly believe that if there is any possibility of his leaving his wife (and I actually believe part of him wants to, at least more than most mm), the thing that is most likely to make this happen is if you cut him off until they have at least separated. Right now you are enabling the wishy-washiness. I by no means want to encourage you, but at least if you do this you will find out what the true end game is, instead of being caught in this indefinite purgatory. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) I think a large part of why I've been stuck is that until mid November it didn't seem like future faking. He was taking steps like telling the wife and kids he wanted to end the marriage. After his birthday in November and the holidays, where she planned all these family events, and she had every right to do so, he pulled back. I can see anyone getting overwhelmed. But all that is over now and it's back to same old, same old. You can't, well I wouldn't want to in any case, live for one month of the year at the expense of the other 11. I have been clear I will not be the OW unless the O stands for only. I have drawn a line in the sand and I will not step over it. I have redrawn my boundaries to suit my previously good moral compass. I am taking back my self respect and if that means I don't see him again, so be it. This is too hard. I am hurting myself. I have too much to lose. I was hired into my role as successor to the retiring VP and am looking at a good promotion in the next 6 months. As the sole income earner with an ex to support, I can't afford to blow this. So yes, my sanity is finally coming back. And yes, full disclosure, I like having the sense of power over my own destiny. Edited March 6, 2019 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Broken attracts broken. Your picker is broken. He has not changed and irrespective of his marriage you have stated the two of you aren’t all that comoatible (IMO intellect compatibility is important). Settling is not loyalty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 You may be right but if you are, it's only for less than 48 more hours. I have too much to lose continuing down this path. I was clear with him that he should not consider us to be reconciled. I will hear him out but no I am done being the other woman. I will not be falling into his arms or my bed with him. I acknowledged that he's noticed a marked change in me. I'm not the person with him I was pre-November. I have done things to show him I was distancing myself. He knows he's losing me slowly but surely. This is now the last chance at the OK Corral. There too much at stake for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 Broken attracts broken. Your picker is broken. He has not changed and irrespective of his marriage you have stated the two of you aren’t all that comoatible (IMO intellect compatibility is important). Settling is not loyalty. He is actually very intelligent. His degree is math, which is not an easy major. He is definitely left brain while I am am ambi-brain leaning to the right. But we have many common likes, reading not being one of them. Some of that may be the company he keeps. Anyway, less than 48 hours to hear him out and then I'm out. Im exhausted, even with 8 hours of sleep a night and can't keep this up. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 He either has an exit plan I deem acceptable or he doesn't. If he doesn't, and he likely won't then he knows I'm gone for good. I honestly can't do this anymore. The last 10 days have been difficult but not impossible. I woke up, went to work, the world kept spinning. Who knows, I may see him and not even care what his plan is. It's said that weaknesses are often overdone strengths. I am loyal to a fault. I know this. But my loyalty only goes so far and he is at the end of it. I certainly will not give him 30 years like I gave my ex. He was my pillar of strength during my separation so to some degree that has influenced me. But I've repaid him for that support and now he puts his money where his mouth is. Or he doesn't. Then I'm gone. So what exactly is an acceptable exit plan to you? At this point I think you should accept no less than he's already moved out and filed for divorce. If getting his daughter therPy first is part of the plan then that's a joke. Its just another stall tactic that could drag on forever because therapy takes an undetermined amount of time to get results. You are being suckered again 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Hasn't he already had an exit plan? You discussed in great detail his timetable for leaving, it just never happened. A plan is only words, if you agree to it how long will you give until there has to be the matching actions. Please stop talking about his conversations with his wife and children as proof of his wanting to leave and confirmation that they know/accept it. This man has never been honest with his family, had never told them about you existing. If he had done so I doubt his children would be telling him it's ok and to put himself and his happiness first! As for honesty, the person who deserves this is his BW... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Oh dear... Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Oh dear... My exact sentiments as well. Kat, he has had an exit plan... it was all BS. It will still be BS. I'm sure it sucked for him not to get your admiration these last 10 days. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Remember he has a marriage to protect. He probably spent 10 days worried you were going to get so mad you would spill the beans, he needs to suss out where you are at. OR he is just so certain of your "love" for him he knows he can talk you round... Seems he has already primed you with the "struggling daughter"... lest you get too carried away... Face it. A wife and an OW is perfect for him, anything else and he has more to lose than gain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 LKK, i say this gently, but... there is NOTHING interesting about what he is doing. I have noticed in a few posts that you are finding it interesting that he is doing certain things. Honestly it isn't interesting. This is classic, textbook, MM behavior. It really is. You are an intelligent woman, read the stories on here. Even if your relationship did not start out as a "typical affair" it has now turned into one, complete with all of the plays being followed by the playbook. It has, that's all. All that is left is for you to accept it. Realize that if he is not man enough to chose the destiny that he wants for his life and then make it happen, that he is NOT a suitable partner for you. Do you REALLY want a man that is incapable of making choices in life and following through? Is that what you want for a long term partner? You have gone down the "easing out of this" path. Just get out. Tell him you will accept nothing less than signed divorce papers. Just read the stories on here, please... you are now in a 100% typical affair. Don't be, you deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 He is actually very intelligent. His degree is math, which is not an easy major. He is definitely left brain while I am am ambi-brain leaning to the right. But we have many common likes, reading not being one of them. Some of that may be the company he keeps. And here’s you are again, making more excuses for him... rationalizing, justifying. I thought you were done with this Kat. But, apparently not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 He is actually very intelligent. His degree is math, which is not an easy major. He is definitely left brain while I am am ambi-brain leaning to the right. But we have many common likes, reading not being one of them. Some of that may be the company he keeps. Anyway, less than 48 hours to hear him out and then I'm out. Im exhausted, even with 8 hours of sleep a night and can't keep this up. I wouldn’t blame anything on the “company he keeps”. If the company he keeps is indeed so unsuitable, he would not keep it. He might be stuck in a marriage that is subpar, but we don’t know that for sure. And it shouldn’t concern you, anyway. Hear him out, if you must, but try not to ruminate about his marriage. It’s not your M, and you have no influence there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Remember he has a marriage to protect. He probably spent 10 days worried you were going to get so mad you would spill the beans, he needs to suss out where you are at. OR he is just so certain of your "love" for him he knows he can talk you round... Seems he has already primed you with the "struggling daughter"... lest you get too carried away... Face it. A wife and an OW is perfect for him, anything else and he has more to lose than gain. I completely agree with Elaine on all of this. He needs to see where you’re at. There will be no plan. If you insist on meeting him, please temper your expectations. If you actually want to be with this man (who sounds horrible btw) tell him you will meet him when he has signed divorce papers in hand. Other posters are right. You are enabling him to stay in limbo...and happily so! You are better than this Kat. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) Ugh ... just had a conversation on my landline with MM. if you can block landlines, I don't know how. He wanted to know if we were on for Thursday. I told him I wasn't sure there was much left to say. He's had 10 days with NC and he's OK with it. We are over what else can we say? He said that the last 10 days have been difficult and he didn't want to break up but he felt it was in my best interest since he could see how much his waffling was hurting me. I told him to just stop. He didn't get to be the good guy because it was his actions that did this so he's the bad guy regardless. He committed to work out an exit plan and discuss it with me. I told him that if/when I walk on Thursday it will be for good because when I'm done, I'm done and I'm done with his indecision and deferrals. Maybe I'm crazy but After this I will have no regrets or what ifs. Highlighting to show who’s been given all the power in this situation. How, once again, are you making this a referendum on what HE wants to do with you? How little do you respect yourself? How could you look your daughter in the face and say, THIS is your new father figure to love and respect? Can’t you see that all he wants is what’s best for HIM? Truly sad. He’s setting you up to once again break a promise you made to yourself. Just magnifying the damage to all involved. Edited March 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 LKK, it can be hard to just let it go, as everyone here knows. There is the threshold of pain that we who have made it through are encouraging you to meet. Continuing to talk with him keeps you stuck. Seeing him will definitely keep you stuck. Every time. He, too, is afraid of the true ending, for whatever his reasoning may be, and this may be part of why he is stalling. Maybe because he will miss you, or maybe because he is dreading the void your absence will bring. Or because it is too much work to find, groom, seduce a new OW. Or maybe he is playing you, pressing into your boundaries as much as he can just to see if you're serious about bowing out of the affair. You cannot be his support for any pain he may feel now or in the future. You cannot help him with this, because that will be his journey. You have your own journey to walk. I understand the pull to meet one last time. The problem is that if you keep allowing him to break that boundary, he will keep trying because your actions have shown that you will give in with enough love bombing or other significant pressure from him. It will take serious force (like telling his wife or explicit NC for an extended period of time) from your side to get him to stop. I'm sure you know all of this, but I just thought I would remind you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) LKK, There's something I've been meaning to clarify for you. The common wisdom on these boards is that all of the lies and manipulation that MMs engage in, it's all for sex, that they will promise you the moon and the stars, lie through their teeth, just for the sex. And that is what a lot of people on these boards keep saying on this thread in response to your situation. And I think that, because you don't actually believe that your mm is primarily in it for the sex, you therefore may disregard the overall advice from those who say that this is his primary motivation. But I know with my MM, the sex is part of it, but more than anything he is a "love addict". He needs constant attention, worship, and ego-stroking, needs to have somebody to run to for new and interesting distraction when he is bored with his wife, etc. And that may well be what is going on with your mm. So they lie and manipulate and tell you what they know you want to hear to get these things as well as the sex. And to keep you sucked into their web, to leave you open as an option at their discretion, for emotional or sexual gratification or both. I guess my only point is, even if you don't think he's in it primarily for the sex, that doesn't mean that he's not lying and trying to manipulate you for some other self-serving purpose. And so the end result is the same. Edited March 6, 2019 by Aloha123 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 I would gather most affairs arent just about sex. But nearly all of them are about what the OP gives to the MP. Attention, admiration, ego boost, different, who knows... either way, it is being used... and if you arent into sharing your person... it is a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 LKK, you talk a good game. Your follow-through sucks. This man keeps coming back with what amounts to the same story, and you keep entertaining him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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