Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[Starswillshine]

MM want what the OW give them. Very seldom do they actually care about the OW's feelings. What you say to them holds very little weight, so slinging hateful words doesnt pack any punch. They are using you for whatever benefit to them. It is why we see over and over how they come back. They know the OW is mad, but often times the OW has been mad before, and she usually sticks around. They know they can make you mad, give you some space, and when they reach out, you'll be right back to where you were a few weeks before. It is no sweat to them because while you were mad and hurting at home, this allows them some stress free time with their wives.

 

MM know how to play people's emotions. Master manipulators. They are not good people..

[BaileyB]

I’m proud of you Kat!

 

I’m sure it was painful and very hard, but it must have also felt really good to finally stand up for yourself.

 

Well done.

[BaileyB]

And no, if he contacts you again, it does not mean he really loves you. Unless he is separated and filed for divorce. It just means he has zero respect for you and certainly doesnt believe the words you say.

 

I absolutely agree with this.

 

You have clearly drawn your line in the sand. He now knows, in no uncertain terms, exactly where you stand and what you want from him. If he contacts you again without divorce papers in hand, he will be stepping right over the boundary that you have established. This means, he has zero respect for you and your feelings. It also means, he is willing to hurt you more as he continues to pursue his own self interest.

[elaine567]

They know the OW is mad, but often times the OW has been mad before, and she usually sticks around. They know they can make you mad, give you some space, and when they reach out, you'll be right back to where you were a few weeks before. It is no sweat to them because while you were mad and hurting at home, this allows them some stress free time with their wives.

 

The OW assumes he is hurting real bad just like she is but he is often just biding time till he can persuade her to come back.

She is in hell alone and hurting, wallowing in grief, he compartmentalises so he has his work, wife and family around him to make him feel better.

This on and off, push pull is very common.

Be aware and sick to your guns.

[Abetterme]

@lilkitkat - I am very sorry to see you in such pain. Following this thread has been eye opening for me on many levels, but it has certainly been crushing to read your pain over these many months.

 

I am proud you finally stood up for your well-being. It will be painful, but stick to it. If anything your account of this man and his actions prove he is horrible and selfish and I believe the other posters are right in saying he will be back when you cool down. Do not let him or this cycle will never end.

 

I am about 10 weeks out of contact with my xMM who ended things himself after much of this same push and pull. During the preceding 6 months I was so upset I had lost hair, wasn’t sleeping, lost my motivation to enjoy my real life around me. It has been a hard 10 weeks with a ton of introspection but I can assure you it has been better than the constant questions and blows to my self esteem that the last 6 months of our affair held. This morning as I laughed with my daughter on her way out the door to school I thought wow, a few months ago I would have been miserable waking up if I hadn’t heard from him and wouldn’t have been able to enjoy this sweet moment. I deeply regret all the hundreds of thousands of tiny moments of joy I missed while giving him so much energy that he didn’t deserve.

 

If you read back through your thread and objectively read it, think about these things too. In all that pain...when did he ever make you happy? We cling to what once was maybe a year or 6 months prior in your relationship, but it wasn’t really who he is. He’s shown you again and again - what you’re seeing now is the real him. You can do this Kat. Put yourself first!

[PhoenixRising8]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement Abetterme.

 

It's been a full 24 hours since we spoke. The rest all happened on text. He finally admitted he may not be able to follow through, even though he kept promising he would. I told him on Saturday night that I have reached the end of my patience and that he seems to be now trying to appease her. He denied it and it was me no questions asked. On Sunday morning he said something else that sounded like appeasement and I told him he was playing both of us. The texts throughout the day were the usual lovey stuff, my responses were not. I finally said he should just man up. And he did. Over text. So I let loose. He texted that he loved me and this was painful because he really wants me. The last barrage of texts from me went unread. But they were easily readable in the previews. Made them just long enough so that if she tried to get into his phone she wouldn't have to. She could read it all and understand. I likely didn't get so lucky.

 

I'm actually OK today. I've shed no tears. Maybe I'm angry or in shock. Maybe it will hit me later. But I do know that what I have been holding on to is the Tom of the first 7 months, not the one of the last 5. I've been preparing myself and talking myself into leaving since mid November. I gave him enough hints and told him directly what I needed to no avail. So since I returned in mid January and particularly since his return I've push. I knew that was the only way to resolution. Sitting back would accomplish nothing. I did it my way, which isn't the way that posters suggested. But it worked for me.

 

I can't believe he'll have the nerve to contact me again. I'm too strong for him. I'm more intelligent. And I'm a better person. He knows this. He's said numerous times he's concerned he isn't cerebral enough for me. He is right. He isn't. So goodbye and good riddance Tommie.

[BTDT2012]

I hope you are able to remain strong.

[PhoenixRising8]

I absolutely agree with this.

 

You have clearly drawn your line in the sand. He now knows, in no uncertain terms, exactly where you stand and what you want from him. If he contacts you again without divorce papers in hand, he will be stepping right over the boundary that you have established. This means, he has zero respect for you and your feelings. It also means, he is willing to hurt you more as he continues to pursue his own self interest.

 

I DO NOT want a life with him. I have been holding out hope for the Tom of the first 7 months. This Tom is duplicitous, cruel, selfish and a man child. He doesn't care who he hurts, so long as it isn't himself.

 

He served his purpose. He helped me get out and over a bad marriage. His continued presence in my life would only serve to make me crazy: wonder if he's being truthful, wondering if I could trust him, wondering when he would turn on me like he did his wife. I've already wasted too many years on the narcissistic ex. I don't need to waste more on a selfish, lying cheater.

[PhoenixRising8]

MM want what the OW give them. Very seldom do they actually care about the OW's feelings. What you say to them holds very little weight, so slinging hateful words doesnt pack any punch. They are using you for whatever benefit to them. It is why we see over and over how they come back. They know the OW is mad, but often times the OW has been mad before, and she usually sticks around. They know they can make you mad, give you some space, and when they reach out, you'll be right back to where you were a few weeks before. It is no sweat to them because while you were mad and hurting at home, this allows them some stress free time with their wives.

 

MM know how to play people's emotions. Master manipulators. They are not good people..

 

If he didn't notice the change in my demeanour the last few months he hasn't been paying attention. I adored him and did everything to make him happy. Lately I have been honest and pushed hard. I didn't care about keeping the peace. I went so far as to tell him he was despicable for using and leading on someone who was vulnerable. So unless he is entirely oblivious, he will not reach out.

[Aloha123]

Wow, LiliKat, I think you surprised us almost as much as you surprised him!

Good for you. FWIW, I've found great inspiration in your posts and from all of the tough love and advice you've received.

I am 7 days NC myself, which is longer than I ever would have thought possible. Though I have to warn you the first 2 days I was on a little bit of a "high" from it and then it got much harder

Anyway, I HIGHLY recommend that you read the book The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue and the Art of No Contact by Leslie Braswell.

Also, there is a very good break-up app called Mend.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I'm sorry you weren't the exception like you had believed. Better to know now than waste more of your precious life with him, since the end result would have been the same. Wishing you a happier, new life.

[Starswillshine]

Good Kat, hold onto that anger. What he did to you and what he is doing to his wife is horrible. People like this dont deserve to be treated with empathy and kindness. They surely do not do the same, they are only skilled actors in this department.

 

You do not deserve this, you do not deserve to wait around on some man who doesnt have the integrity to do the right thing, only the right thing for himself.

[PhoenixRising8]

I’m proud of you!

 

 

 

And now you know he didn’t intend to leave her. You have evidence he KNOWS he is a weak coward who uses women for HIS pleasure.

 

Selfish he is.

 

Yes all true. And now I am sick to my stomach knowing I enabled him to be cruel to both of us. I’m sick to my stomach knowing I ignored the warning signs in the last few months, choosing instead to believe in him. It’s like I learned nothing from my experience with my ex. There were plenty of warning signs which I overlooked and then lived to regret it. For an intelligent person, I’m very stupid.

[Aloha123]

Yes all true. And now I am sick to my stomach knowing I enabled him to be cruel to both of us. I’m sick to my stomach knowing I ignored the warning signs in the last few months, choosing instead to believe in him. It’s like I learned nothing from my experience with my ex. There were plenty of warning signs which I overlooked and then lived to regret it. For an intelligent person, I’m very stupid.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much -- you were in a very vulnerable position.

[PhoenixRising8]

And this is exactly what you can work on - FOR YOURSELF!

 

It’s true... predators PREY upon the vulnerable ones.

 

Can you see your therapist to work on not being so vulnerable in the future?

 

You can learn from this...And then help others too!

 

How does someone who is so sweet, gentle, loving and supportive turn into such a predator? I don't get it.

[Starswillshine]

How does someone who is so sweet, gentle, loving and supportive turn into such a predator? I don't get it.

 

They were always a predator. It is an act. It is always an act.

[BaileyB]

They were always a predator. It is an act. It is always an act.

 

Indeed, it was an act. And then, you didn’t really want to see the truth.

 

But, you see the truth now. You have surprised us all, and we are all really proud of you. You are a strong woman. You will get through this and you will grow even smarter, and even stronger. Your daughter will be so proud.

[Starswillshine]

And take some time to make effort to be kind and gentle to yourself each day.

 

Reward yourself for breaking the cycle you were caught up in.

 

Indeed. Kate, you are not dumb. You are not a horrible person. You are not a failure. He is just a horrible person. And skilled at it. Dont beat yourself up over this. You were vulnerable. And at that state, likely not thinking very clearly.

 

Work on healing those emotional wounds.

[PhoenixRising8]

Wow, LiliKat, I think you surprised us almost as much as you surprised him!

Good for you. FWIW, I've found great inspiration in your posts and from all of the tough love and advice you've received.

I am 7 days NC myself, which is longer than I ever would have thought possible. Though I have to warn you the first 2 days I was on a little bit of a "high" from it and then it got much harder

Anyway, I HIGHLY recommend that you read the book The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue and the Art of No Contact by Leslie Braswell.

Also, there is a very good break-up app called Mend.

 

Really not sure why everyone is so surprised I finally got to the finish line. I've been working up to it for weeks and weeks. I haven't done it the NC way. Ive worked up to it slowly. I've been focusing on the negatives which started in earnest during my birthday weekend, the details of which I didn't provide. It was hurtful and the first thing I could really point to that said this is not how I want to be treated. Up until then, although he hadn't left, he had done everything for me and everything to distance himself from her, like her birthday, like the overnights, telling the kids. No way I thought he was staying. I thought he just needed to work through some guilt feelings like I did. But after mid November I noticed a change. Fewer messages, shorter calls, less time together. Not a lot of less time but less in any case.

 

I did get some renewed hope when I came back in mid January but that was short lived. There were a couple of other things that happened that really made me ponder but on his return from Hawaii, he was right back to love bombing. He said Hawaii gave him clarity about just how dead the marriage was. No doubt about that whatsoever and he just needed to get a few things sorted out at home. VDay he spent with me but it didn't end on a satisfactory note for me. Again, no details needed, suffice to say I wondered why I was doing this to myself. And then he started to disappoint me in order to appease her. If you have clarity it isn't her, why do things that will allay her concerns? Finally, after much back and forth, he lets something slip and I finally get him to admit he likely isn't leaving. At least he finally spoke truth.

 

It isn't him I'm going to miss. At least not the version I've known last 3 months. My anger is at myself, my judgement and naïveté. I'm glad you found inspiration from my posts and thread. It isn't the sort of inspiration I'd ever hoped to be but if it helps just one person, then I'm glad about that. Keep posting and stay strong. Be stronger than I feel I am now. I just feel sick. I wish I could cry and get it out but I can't seem to.

[elaine567]

Really not sure why everyone is so surprised I finally got to the finish line.

Because truth is whilst the MM rarely leaves, the OW also rarely gives up hope. She sticks in there like glue, mesmerisd by things that tell her "This is true love and true love always wins in the end..."

Many need metaphorically smacked in the face, before they finally realise there will be no happy ending.

I see one MM posted here that he literally threw his sobbing OW out of his car and drove off leaving her in the dust... I think she got the message...

 

I am glad you have got clear, but keeping clear is the next hurdle.

Stay focussed.

[PhoenixRising8]

Because truth is whilst the MM rarely leaves, the OW also rarely gives up hope. She sticks in there like glue, mesmerisd by things that tell her "This is true love and true love always wins in the end..."

Many need metaphorically smacked in the face, before they finally realise there will be no happy ending.

I see one MM posted here that he literally threw his sobbing OW out of his car and drove off leaving her in the dust... I think she got the message...

 

I am glad you have got clear, but keeping clear is the next hurdle.

Stay focussed.

 

I've been giving up hope since November. I suppose it just sounded hollow, but I was. And I did it differently so I guess it makes sense.

 

Today I feel like exploding. I feel angry. I feel stupid. I wonder why every person in my life ever has disappointed me and then discarded me. I wonder why he kept the charade up because he knew my background. I wonder what the point of trying another relationship is because clearly my judgement sucks and I'll likely just end up with more of the same.

[elaine567]

I wonder what the point of trying another relationship is because clearly my judgement sucks and I'll likely just end up with more of the same.

 

Not necessarily.

You staggered out of a bad marriage and grabbed the first apparently decent guy who showed you any attention. It is not surprising it is normal to seek comfort where you can get it.

You thought you could handle the affair as it was obvious to you, he would eventually leave his wife, you were naive and unskilled in the ways of extramarital sex/MM/affairs.

Your judgement was clouded and you chose the wrong man.

Next time you will choose better.

[Snipercatt]

Broken attracks broken.

 

Based on your posts, you have deep healing to do. Focus on that. In time prepare a list of compatible characteristics you are looking for in a man. ie) Not 18 years senior, similar levels of intelligence, single, not conflict avoidant, etc.

 

It will be a process of elimination. Don’t settle - you’ve done that twice.

[Abetterme]

@Kat - The anger is good, but please extend yourself some kindness like you would if this was happening to your daughter for example. You’ve finally taken the right step. Don’t think about future relationships. You were vulnerable and got into the wrong situation. Focus on what makes you happy - and only you. It’s time to focus on your own needs.

 

In my past marriage I was actually a BS. In working with my therapist now, I believe I moved into another relationship too quickly. Fortunately for me it was a healthy, single, wonderful man - my now husband. I don’t think I properly grieved or processed what happened with my first husband and I have managed to repeat a terrible situation with my infidelity. Take solace in the ability to finally focus on yourself and your daughter and doing things for your own health. Thinking of you...keep going!

[PhoenixRising8]

I’m hoping you’re being strong.

 

Expect within a short while MORE love bombs from him and MORE empty promises that are lies.

 

Because he’s lazy he will swallow his pride and try and get you to come back... to stay in the OW position.

 

 

I’m not saying you would go for it at this stage... but expect it so he doesn’t catch you off guard.

 

 

Unless his divorce is FINAL - it’s only a ploy to have you be his OW.

 

Stay strong KitKat.

 

I seriously doubt he will contact me again. I was pretty brutal in my texts to him calling him a liar, a cheat, a manipulator who preyed on someone vulnerable. I said anyone with a conscience couldn’t look at himself in the mirror much less sleep at night. I told him he was cruel and selfish, thinking only of himself and not giving any thought to the impact of his behaviour on 2 women who loved him, or his kids. Finally I told him he was no prize and she can have him. He’d have to be a fool to contact me again.

 

It is now 4 full days since we spoke. I have yet to shed a tear. My anxiety is mostly gone although I do have the odd moments. I have been doing some reading on love vs being in love and attachment vs love. I was in love for sure: I loved how he made me feel, the attention, the affection. But him there are many things I dislike. First and foremost his indecisive nature, his self absorbed persona which doesn’t consider impact on others etc.

 

And we don’t have as much in common as I thought. A lot of our conversations have been around marital matters, work and sporting activities. He has said on several occasions that he feels he isn’t cerebral enough for me. This is actually true. While he is intelligent, he doesn’t read, he isn’t well versed in world events, doesn’t like cultural activities to any great degree, except movies. I like to read, go to the theatre, concerts, museums and travel. Travel is about the only thing outside of sports that we have in common. Talking to him last few months has actually been a chore. Nothing to talk about once work is done because we aren’t discussing marital things any longer.

 

I have been attached to him because of the companionship and the comfort of having someone for support and affection. But he is not the sort of partner material I want or need. I believe I will be strong. Time will tell.

 

I feel sad and disappointed and relieved. Sad because of my poor judgment and the loss of a support person, such as he was. Disappointed in myself for my naivety and poor choices and decisions. Disappointed in him and the loss of the “future” we might have had even thought it was nothing but fantasy. Relieved that I don’t wake up in the morning and go to bed at night with the uncertainty of what tomorrow will bring. He is still the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night. That bothers me because I don’t know why he would be and I know he likely gives me no thought at all.

 

One day at a time ...