Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 You gave some great advice in that other thread, LKK. How are you doing? I can’t believe he’s actually doing that trip to Hawaii. Truly ridiculous! Sadly, giving advice is easier than taking it when you're already in the deep end. Hawaii flights were booked today. Ridiculous is an understatement. I can't make any more excuses. I can't rationalize any more. How am I? I wish I could say good. The hope is truly gone and I have to feel the pain and feel it I do.
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 the only thing he thought about was that he needed a vacation. That's it. What he needs. I hope he enjoys his vacation and drinks lots of those fancy drinks with the little umbrellas in them... And, I hope that you don’t answer his calls when he gets back from his vacation. 1
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 He doesn't drink so I doubt there will be any drunken excuses. I've given him every benefit of the doubt but I can't anymore. I have no tears right now. Just feeling very numb. Guess I got what I deserved.
Starswillshine Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 He doesn't drink so I doubt there will be any drunken excuses. I've given him every benefit of the doubt but I can't anymore. I have no tears right now. Just feeling very numb. Guess I got what I deserved. Hugs! I know many times people think that the posters here just wish for other's to fail in their affairs. But really, it is just that we can all see the writing on the wall (and it goes for the BSs, too, we don't give much hope). And we all know the hurt and the pain that comes with it. I'm really sorry you are here. We all hold out hope that we will be the one that survives all the odds, and it is so painful when we are not. I don't wish this on anyone. I hope you find the strength to get you through this soon. Remember, you have made it past ugly times before, surely, you will this one, too. Time, it's a great enemy but also a great friend. Chin up!!!!
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 Thanks starswillshine. I’ve had decent days and not so good ones. Today is not so good. I have a major board presentation in the morning and I am struggling to concentrate on preparing. He’s leaving for Hawaii in the morning and it’s all I can think about. He still mostly insists when he gets back once he gets back he’ll be taking steps to end it although he has moments he has questions about how or if he’ll be able to. I know in my heart and head that it’s never going to happen. I know we have run our course. I know I don’t even like the person he’s been the last few months. I don’t want that man. I want the man I met and fell in love with but he likely doesn’t exist. I know I’ve rationalized my own choices as well is his. Why then am I still in bits and pieces?
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 I want the man I met and fell in love with... He basically love bombed you for 6 months, albeit with a little help from yourself as you were very much open to being love bombed. He then went into the devalue phase. "You are the OW suck it up...","I NEED that holiday in Hawaii..." Next, I guess is the "discard" phase. Please do not stick around that long, for your own sanity
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 I remember an abused wife posting here. "I waited 7 years for that lovely, kind caring man I met at the start to come back - he never showed up again..." The assumption is that "that lovely man" is the real him... It isn't.
Starswillshine Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 Thanks starswillshine. I’ve had decent days and not so good ones. Today is not so good. I have a major board presentation in the morning and I am struggling to concentrate on preparing. He’s leaving for Hawaii in the morning and it’s all I can think about. He still mostly insists when he gets back once he gets back he’ll be taking steps to end it although he has moments he has questions about how or if he’ll be able to. I know in my heart and head that it’s never going to happen. I know we have run our course. I know I don’t even like the person he’s been the last few months. I don’t want that man. I want the man I met and fell in love with but he likely doesn’t exist. I know I’ve rationalized my own choices as well is his. Why then am I still in bits and pieces? Even if he did exists, so does this man. That was what led me to leave my xWH. He was 90% amazing. Always said the right things, he did the rights things. But I knew that behind my back, he was capable of cheating, he was capable of lying to my face, he was capable of watching me break apart mentally and physically, promise me that he loved me and he was so sorry... and yet still continue the behavior. They are so good at telling us the great things and even doing a lot of things that make it seem worth it. But in the end, they have this side... this sides that rips us to shreds. You are in bits because you loved him. Because you believed in that future. Because you lived it in your head. Vecause you meant what you said. It is hard to fathom those who do not. It is hard to fathom a man you loved so deep would want to hurt you so badly. 1
Starswillshine Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Same. And my xWH is like that in every aspect of his life. Never satisfied. Always chasing. I guess it made him successful in his career success in his athletic life, but what does he have to show for it now? He's a drunk who works nonstop and drowns his tears in his drink every night wishing he were different. I feel for him, I really do. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote
sandylee1 Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Boy time does fly. I commented on this thread back in October and have just caught up with it. I see he never came good on his word. No surprise there. He is not unhappy enough to leave Rosanne Barr.... ith all her poor housekeeping, frumpiness, sending him on errands, sitting on her a$$ all day and dressing like a tomboy. It can't be as bad as he makes out IMO. I think the way you got together is a big part of it. He was only ever looking for something extra. A supplement to his wife and not a replacement for her. I'm glad someone mentioned your daughter because I was going to. The decision to deceive children about their paternity never ends well. It comes out in the end and leaves them feeling like they don't know who they are. Suffering from identity crisis. A child has a right to know and not be lied to. You blame your Ex for this but you were complicit in the deceit and as her mother you should have acted in her best interests. It should never have got to her being an adult and still lied to. It sounds like you would have gone to your grave and said nothing. I know someone with a 12 year old and she's doing the same. It really annoys me...especially because the so called dad is abusive. I told the mum she should tell her the truth. I've read a couple of posts recently about the discovery of dad not being dad and the devastation it's caused. Anyway.... you're best leaving him in the rear view mirror and sorting yourself out. His existence in your life isn't helping you to heal from your marriage ending and move on healthily. 2
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 Even if he did exists, so does this man. That was what led me to leave my xWH. He was 90% amazing. Always said the right things, he did the rights things. But I knew that behind my back, he was capable of cheating, he was capable of lying to my face, he was capable of watching me break apart mentally and physically, promise me that he loved me and he was so sorry... and yet still continue the behavior. They are so good at telling us the great things and even doing a lot of things that make it seem worth it. But in the end, they have this side... this sides that rips us to shreds. You are in bits because you loved him. Because you believed in that future. Because you lived it in your head. Vecause you meant what you said. It is hard to fathom those who do not. It is hard to fathom a man you loved so deep would want to hurt you so badly. Your post literally brought me to tears. It’s hard to believe someone you love so deeply can knowingly hurt you so badly and keep on doing it. It’s also hard to believe that someone who is 90% good can have 10% that is so vile. I’ve been trying to make sense of it and I can’t. I’ve realized trying to make sense of it is futile.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) Boy time does fly. I commented on this thread back in October and have just caught up with it. I see he never came good on his word. No surprise there. He is not unhappy enough to leave Rosanne Barr.... ith all her poor housekeeping, frumpiness, sending him on errands, sitting on her a$$ all day and dressing like a tomboy. <snip> You are right. He is not unhappy enough to leave meaning also that he doesn’t love me enough to not want a life without me. Neither of us wanted a replacement in the beginning and when that became a possibility, it was him who started the discussion, him who told his wife and him who got cold feet. I’ve tried to be patient, understanding and give him time but it hasn’t done any good. I’ve rationalized and tried to make sense of it all. I can’t. It is what it is. As for my daughter, I wanted to tell her many times. Unfortunately, I also believed it was a decision we made together so it was something we should tell her together. We could never reach agreement. When we disagreed, his approach was to threaten to leave or threaten self harm. I was trying to keep peace. Trying to hold the marriage together. The only time he seemed interested in the last few years was during fights, whether with her, me or both of us. That was the wrong time to discuss it. There is nothing I regret more, or feel more guilty about than the way she found out. I wish I had more courage and told her earlier rather than it coming out the way it did. That is something I can’t change and will always feel responsible for. Edited February 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 He basically love bombed you for 6 months, albeit with a little help from yourself as you were very much open to being love bombed. He then went into the devalue phase. "You are the OW suck it up...","I NEED that holiday in Hawaii..." Next, I guess is the "discard" phase. Please do not stick around that long, for your own sanity He continues to message and has called several times from Hawaii. Between my trips, his and work commitments, we have essentially been out of communication for 6 weeks. I told him today I’m tired of the seeming indecision and that I will now focus on me, not him. I can’t do it anymore. I have to do what’s best for me. Waiting for crumbs and for empty promises to come to fruition is not best for me. I haven’t gone so far as to say to call me only when he is free. That is next, assuming I decide I even want that. There are behaviours emerging that remind me of my ex. I can’t do that again. And yet I’m still in pain. Oh well. I did it to myself by thinking of him first and ignoring me. It’s what I’ve always done and that’s why I am where I am. I wish there were a pain pill that would make this go away.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 You have no idea who he really is. You only know who he pretended to be. Are you still communicating with him? He called today from Hawaii and I ended up hanging up on him. Don’t know if he’ll call or message again.
sagamore Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 What made you hang up? I’m sorry for your pain. Seems like what he really wants is selfish: his own happiness without any drawback from dealing with other people’s feelings. He can’t leave because then he’d have his wife and his kids’ sadness and disappointment to deal with. But he doesn’t want to stay without having his piece of happiness (you) on the side making him feel better. Hence he’s on vacation with his wife, calling you. But the times when you’ve forced him to confront the fact that you, too, are a human with feelings and he’s letting you down - well, we’ve seen how he reacts. I’m glad you are starting to detach now. The pain is a sign that you are finally starting to mourn.
BaileyB Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 What made you hang up? He can’t leave because then he’d have his wife and his kids’ sadness and disappointment to deal with. Oh, he can’t leave... he has clearly made his choice. He’s where he wants to be, let’s not pretend anything else. Why did she hang up... because he had the audacity to call her from a vacation that he chose to go with his family and try to tell her that somehow, he is the victim in this whole affair and he wants more... Good for you KitKat! You are finally starting to see the truth for what it is... I know it hurts, but this man is no different than your narcissistic ex-husband. You are far better without him in your life... hope today is a good day.
Mrs._December Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Your post literally brought me to tears. It’s hard to believe someone you love so deeply can knowingly hurt you so badly and keep on doing it. I think sometimes you get too far into the forest and can no longer see the trees. You have to reconcile with the fact that this isn't all about you. My point is, this is how YOU feel after only a small amount of time having believed his lies and manipulation and thinking a lying, cheating, deceiving, selfish, self-absorbed man was actually a decent human being. How do you think his wife feels? She has believed him to be the same "wonderful" man you thought he was for many more years than you've known him. How devastating do you think it was for HER to have to learn that he's one of the most vile and repugnant men she's ever met and that he's NOT the man she thought she'd married? If it's devastating for YOU to have to face, how do you think it is for her? Why on earth she'd want to stay with this so-called man is simply beyond me because all he really deserves is to be kicked square in the ass right out the front door and let her lawyer pick his worthless carcass clean in divorce court. I still hope his wife comes to her senses. 1
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Why on earth she'd want to stay with this so-called man is simply beyond me because all he really deserves is to be kicked square in the ass right out the front door and let her lawyer pick his worthless carcass clean in divorce court. I still hope his wife comes to her senses. I guess she stays "for the kids". Two adults in their twenties who can't seem to fly the nest is probably a bit of a burden and a worry. She no doubt feels they NEED her to provide a stable home for them. I guess a trip to Hawaii helped too...
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 He’s called several times from Hawaii, while on vacation with his wife to tell me how much he loves me, misses me, is thinking of me and wants a future with me!!! The vacation is going OK. They are cordial with one another but there’s nothing there. He sees that. He hopes she will also. She hasn’t tried to seduce him. He’s spending a lot of time with his friend Dick cycling while she spends time with Jane, their best friends they’re on vacation with. He’s been going to sleep early as he’s been so sleep deprived the last few months between work and personal. Poor baby I just couldn’t take it anymore and told him he is exactly where he wants to be and it was his choice. No one put a gun to his head and forced him to go. Then I said enjoy your vacation and your wife. Goodbye. I was pretty annoyed. After calming down I texted him to say no more drama from me and that I’ve spent far too much time focusing on him and his needs. Being patient and understanding. Now it’s time for me to love me and focus on me. I can’t deal with being told he wants to be with me while his actions speak otherwise. It’s a obvious he wants to be with his wife. We aren’t the real deal. Well doesn’t he just text back saying we are the real deal. All he wants is to just talk and he loves me and misses me so much! Seriously, I’ve been pushing him away since my trip. It isn’t him that’s pushing. I know everyone says I should go completely NC but that isn’t what would work for me. I need to detach and build immunity and that’s what I’m doing. If I went totally NC I know I would wonder if I gave up too soon. I’m getting to see who he is. It still hurts but less than it would if I just stopped cold turkey. I’m building my library of negative personality traits to focus on and it is working. Not seeing him or talking every day isn’t as difficult as it was 6 months ago. I don’t think about him every minute. And his profession of love is really pi$$ing me off now. I don’t get him. I thought when the OW pushes and becomes a liability in terms of nagging, pressure and demands, it’s the MM that pulls away. Not in this case. The more I pull away, the more he comes after me. SMH
Artdeco Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Seriously, I’ve been pushing him away since my trip. It isn’t him that’s pushing. I know everyone says I should go completely NC but that isn’t what would work for me. I need to detach and build immunity and that’s what I’m doing. Whether you’re aware of it or not, there’s still a glimmer of hope in you. That’s why you’re unable to go full NC. And I totally get it. It’s easier to detach slowly, knowing that the MM is still thinking of you and missing you. Him reaching out, while you’re more passive, gives you a certain sense of power. While I totally understand (from a logical point of view, and based on how the brain works (limbic system and such)) the benefits of full-on NC, full NC brings more pain short-term. A slow-fade / slow detachment approach is definitely the softer landing, and sometimes this works just as well, if not better, because it allows people to focus on other options and priorities without dealing with the acute pain.
anika99 Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I don’t get him. I thought when the OW pushes and becomes a liability in terms of nagging, pressure and demands, it’s the MM that pulls away. Not in this case. The more I pull away, the more he comes after me. SMH I've seen plenty of OW here talk about how they tried to leave their MM but everytime they attempted to walk away the MM pursued them harder, promised them the sun and the moon, yet still would not leave their wife. From seeing some of the stories from MM who can't/won't leave their wife I have gathered that they feel nothing but anxiety and confusion when it comes to making a decision. The thought of losing their OW gives them anxiety so if she tries to walk away he tries even harder to make her stay, begging her to wait just a little longer. It's not so much about being in love with the OW, it's being addicted to the affair and not being able to bear the anxiety he feels at seeing his addiction walk away. Similarly he feels great anxiety at the thought of divorce and losing his wife and married life forever. It sounds like a great idea when he's playing lovey dovey with the OW but as soon as he goes home after spending time with the OW and sees his family then reality sets in and leaving doesn't sound like a good idea at all. What these MM want more than anything is for everything to remain exactly as it is. Their fantasy is not to run away with the OW forever, nor is it to recommit to their wife and build a stronger marriage. In their dreamworld they get to have both the OW and their marriage and everyone is happy just getting a piece of him. They will never make a choice so someone else has to make the choice for him. Either the OW has to end the affair or the wife has to end the marriage otherwise this could go on forever and the MM would be perfectly fine with that.
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I don’t get him. I thought when the OW pushes and becomes a liability in terms of nagging, pressure and demands, it’s the MM that pulls away. Not in this case. The more I pull away, the more he comes after me. SMH Because atm you are the only OW he has got and starting from scratch will be difficult and time consuming. He is thus holding on like grim death. 1
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 Because you still haven’t fully stopped feeding his ego. You still take his calls and text him while he’s on a romantic vacation with his wife. And you really haven’t demanded anything. So he still get his ego feed but he isn’t really required to change anything in his life. Besides, it’s a lot of trouble to groom a new OW... why do all that when he can just check in and see if you’ll still take his calls that are full of lies? He says there’s nothing romantic about it. It’s just where they’ve always gone with their friends. They’ve now had a week together in romantic Hawaii. Here’s what’s missing: no posts or pictures by her on Facebook. She posted pictures of her birthday, his birthday, New Year’s Eve, airport pictures and vacation pictures from her 3 weeks with the daughter in August. But this trip .... nothing. The only posts are random animal videos and games. Who goes to Hawaii and spends time watching videos and playing dumb Facebook games? Anyway, not my issue or concern. My only focus now is mastering the art of letting go. I won’t lie and say it’s easy but it is easier because since before Christmas we’ve only been in the same location for 2 weeks making communication and seeing each other difficult. That has been a blessing. It’s why I planned to be away from the holidays to mid January. I’ve been coming to terms with this and planning it since our birthdays in November. May not be everyone’s approach but I’m getting there.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 5, 2019 Author Posted February 5, 2019 (edited) {snip} What these MM want more than anything is for everything to remain exactly as it is. Their fantasy is not to run away with the OW forever, nor is it to recommit to their wife and build a stronger marriage. In their dreamworld they get to have both the OW and their marriage and everyone is happy just getting a piece of him. They will never make a choice so someone else has to make the choice for him. Either the OW has to end the affair or the wife has to end the marriage otherwise this could go on forever and the MM would be perfectly fine with that. Thanks for that explanation. It actually makes a lot of sense and gives me understanding I didn’t previously have. Very helpful. Edited February 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mark clemson Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 My personal opinion, FWIW: Seriously, I’ve been pushing him away since my trip. ... I’m getting to see who he is. It still hurts but less than it would if I just stopped cold turkey. I’m building my library of negative personality traits to focus on and it is working. Not seeing him or talking every day isn’t as difficult as it was 6 months ago. I don’t think about him every minute. And his profession of love is really pi$$ing me off now. It sounds like the limerence is fading. That's good - hopefully soon you'll be fully clear headed. Once you feel fully ready, total NC will probably become a good idea so you don't re-trigger it. Think keeping a list of negative traits is a great idea - I did it as well and it helped a lot. I wish there were a pain pill that would make this go away. Google "Tylenol to relieve emotional pain" or similar. May help a little. Be a bit careful if you start with it, though as acetominophen is one of the easiest OTC meds to overdose on. Best of luck!
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