elaine567 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 The timing of the vacation they are planning is just unbelievable. When I see couples do this after an affair it's just such a huge amount of denial that I can't believe it. Its called hysterical bonding.
Starswillshine Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 This man sounds so much like my ex-husband. Down to the constant use of "time will tell." and the romantic tropical vacation. Run fast, run fast as you can... before his wife knows everything and she leaves him... and you get him. Trust me, RUN!
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 Its called hysterical bonding. Hysterical bonding ... had no idea that was a thing, much like future faking. Who knew there was an entire lexicon built around affairs. I guess they might end up reconnecting and having the best sex ever. Who knows, maybe it will even last. Maybe he is finally going to put in the effort to salvage the marriage after all. Too bad it will be based on the wrong head working ....
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 How much does she actually know about the affair though? He has never admitted to the affair AFAIK but she gave him a laundry list of all the reasons why she and her psychologist think he may be: overnight absences, never home, phone always on person, new phone code, phone always turned over etc. She knows nothing about me that I know of otherwise she might not feel she has a fighting chance. She and I are like night and day ...
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 He has never admitted to the affair AFAIK but she gave him a laundry list of all the reasons why she and her psychologist think he may be: overnight absences, never home, phone always on person, new phone code, phone always turned over etc. She knows nothing about me that I know of otherwise she might not feel she has a fighting chance. She and I are like night and day ... She may have hired a PI though. They would have informed her who you are and where you live, he has not exactly been discreet.
BTDT2012 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 She knows nothing about me that I know of otherwise she might not feel she has a fighting chance.She and I are like night and day ... Don't forget that he chose her, and remains with her. 1
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 She may have hired a PI though. They would have informed her who you are and where you live, he has not exactly been discreet. Then she would know it’s Roseanne Barr (right down to personality) versus Michelle Pfeiffer except Michelle doesn’t have the 30 year history, 2 kids and assets. I think if she knew I’d know.
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 Then she would know it’s Roseanne Barr (right down to personality) versus Michelle Pfeiffer except Michelle doesn’t have the 30 year history, 2 kids and assets. I think if she knew I’d know. Not necessarily, see the other thread where a BS is keeping an eye on her cheating husband but has said nothing as divorce is not on the cards, she wants to stay married and keep him as the father of her kids. Here 30 year marriage, if she doesn't want to go anywhere and is protecting her lifestyle and her kids, she will not want to rock any boats, or potentially push him into your arms.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 Don't forget that he chose her, and remains with her. Yup he chose her but they really are a mismatch. He had a choice and he made it. Despite his protestations to the contrary, he stayed and I’m letting him stay there.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 Not necessarily, see the other thread where a BS is keeping an eye on her cheating husband but has said nothing as divorce is not on the cards, she wants to stay married and keep him as the father of her kids. Here 30 year marriage, if she doesn't want to go anywhere and is protecting her lifestyle and her kids, she will not want to rock any boats, or potentially push him into your arms. Over the last few weeks I’m rapidly coming to the conclusion that she can have him. 2
Starswillshine Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 Amazing you still believe this man. And maybe telling who you used to describe her vs you. I'm always curious to what the OW describe me as. I have my guesses. And if he were ever force to chose one over the other... I win hands down. I just didnt allow him to make that choice.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 This is what he told you. It may not be at all true. I have seen plenty of pictures of her and the comparisons are apt. I also have heard her plenty of times in the background and Roseanne is a prime comparison. He is the exact opposite of her. Not well matched but married and living together and so they can stay til death do they part.
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 Over the last few weeks I’m rapidly coming to the conclusion that she can have him. I truly think it is best. You are now free as a bird, you do not need to be part of his mess. Great you had 6-7 months of bliss, but that wasn't reality, you have come down to earth with a bump, BUT you are just a bit bruised not mortally wounded. Time to move on to the next chapter..
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 Amazing you still believe this man. And maybe telling who you used to describe her vs you. I'm always curious to what the OW describe me as. I have my guesses. And if he were ever force to chose one over the other... I win hands down. I just didnt allow him to make that choice. Seriously in this case the comparisons are accurate. She is 5” shorter and at least 50 lbs heavier (size 14 vs 6) She is quite manly and dresses in a very frumpy way. So yeah, in that department, I win hands down. I have seen literally dozens of pictures of her. He is fit and well spoken and quite handsome. So not a match personality or looks wise. Believe me or don’t. I’m not that conceited but I can see how different we are.
Orokotikki Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 Seriously in this case the comparisons are accurate. She is 5” shorter and at least 50 lbs heavier (size 14 vs 6) She is quite manly and dresses in a very frumpy way. So yeah, in that department, I win hands down. I have seen literally dozens of pictures of her. He is fit and well spoken and quite handsome. So not a match personality or looks wise. Believe me or don’t. I’m not that conceited but I can see how different we are. Plus you don't have a cheating spouse destroying your sanity and self-worth. Congrats, sounds like you came up aces.
Starswillshine Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 Seriously in this case the comparisons are accurate. She is 5” shorter and at least 50 lbs heavier (size 14 vs 6) She is quite manly and dresses in a very frumpy way. So yeah, in that department, I win hands down. I have seen literally dozens of pictures of her. He is fit and well spoken and quite handsome. So not a match personality or looks wise. Believe me or don’t. I’m not that conceited but I can see how different we are. Physical traits dont mean much. My WH's OW was not attractive. Not even in the tiniest bit. She is fit, but I am, too. Size 00 but athletic and curvy. I'm a fairly attractive woman. If you saw the faces of every single person who has seen a picture of who he cheated with, you would laugh. But anyway, besides the point. He loves her. He has spent 30 years with her, so obviously they are compatible. They may be different but it worked for many years. There was love there or he wouldn't have married her. He tells you the negatives, he doesnt tell you the positives. I guess suit yourself to keep thinking you are so much better than her... will hurt much worse when he chooses her. Or realize, he isnt truthful.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 Plus you don't have a cheating spouse destroying your sanity and self-worth. Congrats, sounds like you came up aces. No, until recently I just had a narcissistic spouse who mentally abused me. Yeah I came up aces alright but I didn’t let myself go. That said, even from her earlier pictures she was always more of a tomboy.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 Physical traits dont mean much. My WH's OW was not attractive. Not even in the tiniest bit. She is fit, but I am, too. Size 00 but athletic and curvy. I'm a fairly attractive woman. If you saw the faces of every single person who has seen a picture of who he cheated with, you would laugh. But anyway, besides the point. He loves her. He has spent 30 years with her, so obviously they are compatible. They may be different but it worked for many years. There was love there or he wouldn't have married her. He tells you the negatives, he doesnt tell you the positives. I guess suit yourself to keep thinking you are so much better than her... will hurt much worse when he chooses her. Or realize, he isnt truthful. If he loves her he has a strange way of showing it. He’s just too much of a wuss to leave. People do fall out of love and I believe he has. But it doesn’t even matter. At this point I don’t want to be chosen. I thought I made that clear.
Starswillshine Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 If he loves her he has a strange way of showing it. He’s just too much of a wuss to leave. People do fall out of love and I believe he has. But it doesn’t even matter. At this point I don’t want to be chosen. I thought I made that clear. Much like he is showing you? He loves only himself
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 Much like he is showing you? Exactly. Not the kind of love I want.
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 No, until recently I just had a narcissistic spouse who mentally abused me. Yeah I came up aces alright but I didn’t let myself go. That said, even from her earlier pictures she was always more of a tomboy. Trouble is no-one here knows his "type". We can all bash the wife for not being a conventional "stunner", but that doesn't mean he isn't naturally attracted to short women who are tomboys with a bit of meat on their bones. Who really knows?
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 Trouble is no-one here knows his "type". We can all bash the wife for not being a conventional "stunner", but that doesn't mean he isn't naturally attracted to short women who are tomboys with a bit of meat on their bones. Who really knows? Then I guess he has exactly what he wants. Good for him and good for her. Now if only he can learn to keep it in his pants unless he’s at home they’ll be fine
FMW Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 I understand your frustration, but it makes your situation even less sympathetic when you talk so badly about his wife, the way she looks, the way she is, etc. I get thinking about it but to actually share that information as points in your favor is in poor taste. I'll bow out of your thread now, I think I've said everything I have that might help you, and honestly it's just too discouraging to keep reading. I wish you the very best of luck, I hope you gain the clarity and strength to put this behind you. There's something so much better for you out there if you'll free your heart and mind to find it. 6
Starswillshine Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 Then I guess he has exactly what he wants. Good for him and good for her. Now if only he can learn to keep it in his pants unless he’s at home they’ll be fine Again, If she was always like that.... I mean, at some point, he found her attractive. Something about her attracted him. He married the woman. You keep engaging with the man. I thought he was working on his marriage? How does he do this while being involved with you? And you guys are still discussing being together? I thought it was done? Seems far from it. And the more he plays "time will tell".... the more you stay on the line of "maybe tomorrow he is leaving." And this vacation? Do you know for sure friends are going? And how do you know that he will indeed be cycling during the days without her? And at night, how do you know they wont be having sex? I know you like to excuse his behaviors because you were married when you met and maybe did the same things. But you actually left your marriage. Period. Yours was for certain bad enough to leave. His.... apparently is not. 1
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 Again, If she was always like that.... I mean, at some point, he found her attractive. Something about her attracted him. He married the woman. You keep engaging with the man. I thought he was working on his marriage? How does he do this while being involved with you? And you guys are still discussing being together? I thought it was done? Seems far from it. And the more he plays "time will tell".... the more you stay on the line of "maybe tomorrow he is leaving." And this vacation? Do you know for sure friends are going? And how do you know that he will indeed be cycling during the days without her? And at night, how do you know they wont be having sex? I know you like to excuse his behaviors because you were married when you met and maybe did the same things. But you actually left your marriage. Period. Yours was for certain bad enough to leave. His.... apparently is not. Sheesh my communication skills must be sorely lacking. He is discussing being together and how much he misses me. We’ve only had a few calls. I am listening but have abandoned the notion of a fairy tale ending. His words and behaviour have helped me to see who he really is and that isn’t who I fell in love with. That man doesn’t exist. My way of ending it is to disengage, which I have done and then use the trip as a start to NC, maybe sooner. We all process things differently and this is how I process. I have given him plenty of rope to hang himself these last few weeks and he has done so in fine fashion. My attachment decreases every minute and because of that I know I will be able to walk away without regrets or “what if’s”. The feedback on this forum has been invaluable. I know I have made excuses for him but every time I did and posters predicted his behaviour and I argued against those predictions, the predictions ended up being right and I was wrong. So I went about through a few calls testing the theory he wouldn’t leave, that he was future faking and Hawaii just solidified that conclusion. I have no doubt there will be lots of hysterical bonding and I don’t care. Good luck to them. I don’t want a man who can be so cruel as to string two women. I don’t want a man who will make promises and not keep them ( he started the whole us between ow and forever crap). Rose coloured glasses are off and broken. I have no illusions.
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